defective yeti: All The World Is My Girlfriend

Just for kicks I wrote a script for The Office. You can read the whole thing at http://www.defectiveyeti.com/theoffice/TheOffice-Personas.pdf.

I was inspired by two events, both of which took place in March. The first was an eight-hour Project Management seminar that I attended for work. At the end of the day I was reviewing my notes and realized I'd been handed an Office storyline.

The second was the series finale of Battlestar Galactica. As followers of The Office know, Dwight is a huge Battlestar fan, mentioning the program often.

I half-expected a subsequent episode of The Office to note the end of Battlestar, but it hasn't happened yet. Thus, I decided to write my own.

"Personas" is set around the time in season five of The Office when BSG ended. Specifically, it falls between "Golden Ticket" (S05E17) and "New Boss" (S05E18). In other words:

Andy is on staff.
Toby is back.
Ryan is missing (supposedly in Thailand).
No one in the office is in a relationship, except Jim / Pam (engaged) and Andy / Dwight (mortal enemies).
The Charles Miner / "Michael Scott Paper Company" storyline has not yet begun.

One last thing. Forty pages struck me as pretty long for a 30 minute show, but "E-Mail Surveillance" and "The Carpet"--the two scripts of The Office I could find online (at http://www.dailyscript.com/tv.html)--clock in at 44 and 43 pages respectively, so I used those as a guide. Having never before written a script for an existing show, I figured I'd stick to precedent.

Anyway, here's the teaser. I don't really plan to do anything with this (it was more of an exercise than anything else), but if you have any feedback I'd love to hear it. You can email me at matthewbaldwin@gmail.com.

Update: Someone asked if this contains BSG finale spoilers. Actually, it contains no BSG spoilers whatsoever, so go nuts.

The Office "Personas"

COLD OPEN INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING Michael is at the front of the room and the rest of the staff is paired up. Each group has a flipchart, on which they have jotted down descriptions of fictional people: names, ages, sexes, occupations, etc. PHYLLIS, paired with MEREDITH, is standing, addressing the room, wrapping up her presentation. PHYLLIS Gerald's primary paper needs are eight by eleven white bond for the printer and number 10 security envelopes. MICHAEL Excellent. Good work Phyllis. MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D) Personas are a top-level project management tool used by business experts around the world. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL What you do is you make up characters and pretend that they are your customers. And then you ask them for advice on how to improve. And that way you don't have to talk to real customers. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM Dwight is completing his presentation. The flipchart looks like a Dungeon and Dragons character sheet, complete with stats on the left-hand side and a sketch of a barbarian. STANLEY, his partner, sits nearby, engrossed in his puzzle book. DWIGHT ... when in a beserker rage, Rivenheart can attack twice per round but is unable to defend. MICHAEL (exasperated) Dwight, you -- Missing the point. Why does your persona need paper? DWIGHT He doesn't need paper. His history is written in the lamentation of his enemies. MICHAEL Okay sit down. Just-- Sit down. Dwight does so as Michael wrestles with his irritation. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Who's next? Jim and Kevin. KEVIN looks at JIM with a giddy smile; Jim nods confidently. Kevin stands and gestures at his flipchart, on which he has written a series of bulletpoints describing his persona. KEVIN Our persona is "Mark L." His pronunciation of "Mark L." is almost identical to "Michael", and he pauses expectantly. When there's no reaction, he continues, struggling to maintain a straight face. KEVIN (CONT'D) Mark L. is in his mid-40's. Single, no family, no girlfriend. Dead-end job as regional manager in a dying industry. This guy is going nowhere. Titters around the room as people recognize the gag. They are laughing with Michael, assuming he'll catch on at any moment. KEVIN (CONT'D) He tells a lot of bad jokes. His favorite is short, but he knows how to use it. Jim hears his prearranged cue. JIM That's what she said! Michael laughs. MICHAEL Good one, Jim! Nicely done. Okay Kevin, let's keep this moving. Kevin looks uncertain. KEVIN He's always walking around the office interrupting people's work with pointless stories. Or insensitive remarks. About their weight. And baldness ... MICHAEL Ugch. Why would you even invent this guy? Kevin at a loss. Desperately trying to clue Michael in, he deviates from the flipchart. KEVIN Owns a "World's Best Boss" mug? Drives a Sebring? His birthday is March 15th? No, nothing? In a burst of inspiration, Jim leaps to his feet. JIM I think Mark L.'s worst trait is his utter lack of self-awareness. He wouldn't even recognize a description of himself. (beat; then slowly) Wouldn't even recognize a description ... of himself. Michael looks pensive for a moment, on the verge of realization. But then he shudders at his mental image of Mark and says: MICHAEL And what are his paper needs? KEVIN (to Jim; accusatory) You said this would be funny.

END COLD OPEN

You can read the whole thing as either a PDF (best) or as HTML (with some lost of formatting). An .fdr files is also available upon request. Enjoy.


All The World Is My Girlfriend
June 03, 2009 Revenge is Also Best Served Cold Allan, a friend of mine in college, was in a neverending battle with the folks who lived in the dorm room adjacent to his. I never knew the specific dispute, but it was probably noise-related--his room and theirs shared a wall through which sound passed unimpeded. One evening I stopped by Allan's place as I headed off-campus. He and his neighbors had just had some sort of altercation, and he was livid as a consequence. Before we left he cued up the following track on his CD player and hit play. Then he turned the speakers around so they faced the shared wall, turned the volume up to 8, and set the stereo on "repeat track". "Okay," he said, "let's go." When we returned several hours later, the music was off and his door was broken. [link \| Comments (38) \| Storytelling] June 02, 2009 Protip If you are in a gas station convenience mart at 1:00 in the afternoon, and woman enters wearing a terrycloth bathrobe and slippers, having left a 1989 Chevy Blazer idling five feet from the front doors, it's best not to position yourself between her and the cigarettes. [link \| Observations] May 21, 2009 Infinite Summer My summer project (and yours): infinitesummer.org. [link \| Comments (25) \| Elsewhere] May 15, 2009 Autistic Trekdom Today in The Morning News, I have an essay about J.J.Abrams' new film: Autistic Trekdom. Contains no spoilers, by the way. [link \| Comments (9) \| Elsewhere] May 08, 2009 The Office - Personas Just for kicks I wrote a script for The Office. You can read the whole thing at http://www.defectiveyeti.com/theoffice/TheOffice-Personas.pdf. I was inspired by two events, both of which took place in March. The first was an eight-hour Project Management seminar that I attended for work. At the end of the day I was reviewing my notes and realized I'd been handed an Office storyline. The second was the series finale of Battlestar Galactica. As followers of The Office know, Dwight is a huge Battlestar fan, mentioning the program often. I half-expected a subsequent episode of The Office to note the end of Battlestar, but it hasn't happened yet. Thus, I decided to write my own. "Personas" is set around the time in season five of The Office when BSG ended. Specifically, it falls between "Golden Ticket" (S05E17) and "New Boss" (S05E18). In other words: Andy is on staff. Toby is back. Ryan is missing (supposedly in Thailand). No one in the office is in a relationship, except Jim / Pam (engaged) and Andy / Dwight (mortal enemies). The Charles Miner / "Michael Scott Paper Company" storyline has not yet begun. One last thing. Forty pages struck me as pretty long for a 30 minute show, but "E-Mail Surveillance" and "The Carpet"--the two scripts of The Office I could find online (at http://www.dailyscript.com/tv.html)--clock in at 44 and 43 pages respectively, so I used those as a guide. Having never before written a script for an existing show, I figured I'd stick to precedent. Anyway, here's the teaser. I don't really plan to do anything with this (it was more of an exercise than anything else), but if you have any feedback I'd love to hear it. You can email me at matthewbaldwin@gmail.com. Update: Someone asked if this contains BSG finale spoilers. Actually, it contains no BSG spoilers whatsoever, so go nuts. `The Office "Personas"` COLD OPEN INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING Michael is at the front of the room and the rest of the staff is paired up. Each group has a flipchart, on which they have jotted down descriptions of fictional people: names, ages, sexes, occupations, etc. PHYLLIS, paired with MEREDITH, is standing, addressing the room, wrapping up her presentation. PHYLLIS Gerald's primary paper needs are eight by eleven white bond for the printer and number 10 security envelopes. MICHAEL Excellent. Good work Phyllis. MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D) Personas are a top-level project management tool used by business experts around the world. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD MICHAEL What you do is you make up characters and pretend that they are your customers. And then you ask them for advice on how to improve. And that way you don't have to talk to real customers. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM Dwight is completing his presentation. The flipchart looks like a Dungeon and Dragons character sheet, complete with stats on the left-hand side and a sketch of a barbarian. STANLEY, his partner, sits nearby, engrossed in his puzzle book. DWIGHT ... when in a beserker rage, Rivenheart can attack twice per round but is unable to defend. MICHAEL (exasperated) Dwight, you -- Missing the point. Why does your persona need paper? DWIGHT He doesn't need paper. His history is written in the lamentation of his enemies. MICHAEL Okay sit down. Just-- Sit down. Dwight does so as Michael wrestles with his irritation. MICHAEL (CONT'D) Who's next? Jim and Kevin. KEVIN looks at JIM with a giddy smile; Jim nods confidently. Kevin stands and gestures at his flipchart, on which he has written a series of bulletpoints describing his persona. KEVIN Our persona is "Mark L." His pronunciation of "Mark L." is almost identical to "Michael", and he pauses expectantly. When there's no reaction, he continues, struggling to maintain a straight face. KEVIN (CONT'D) Mark L. is in his mid-40's. Single, no family, no girlfriend. Dead-end job as regional manager in a dying industry. This guy is going nowhere. Titters around the room as people recognize the gag. They are laughing with Michael, assuming he'll catch on at any moment. KEVIN (CONT'D) He tells a lot of bad jokes. His favorite is short, but he knows how to use it. Jim hears his prearranged cue. JIM That's what she said! Michael laughs. MICHAEL Good one, Jim! Nicely done. Okay Kevin, let's keep this moving. Kevin looks uncertain. KEVIN He's always walking around the office interrupting people's work with pointless stories. Or insensitive remarks. About their weight. And baldness ... MICHAEL Ugch. Why would you even invent this guy? Kevin at a loss. Desperately trying to clue Michael in, he deviates from the flipchart. KEVIN Owns a "World's Best Boss" mug? Drives a Sebring? His birthday is March 15th? No, nothing? In a burst of inspiration, Jim leaps to his feet. JIM I think Mark L.'s worst trait is his utter lack of self-awareness. He wouldn't even recognize a description of himself. (beat; then slowly) Wouldn't even recognize a description ... of himself. Michael looks pensive for a moment, on the verge of realization. But then he shudders at his mental image of Mark and says: MICHAEL And what are his paper needs? KEVIN (to Jim; accusatory) You said this would be funny. `END COLD OPEN` You can read the whole thing as either a PDF (best) or as HTML (with some lost of formatting). An .fdr files is also available upon request. Enjoy. [link \| Comments (54) \| Misc] May 07, 2009 Confidental to My Three Remaining Readers Not a whole lot of activity, here at the yeti. Still, I'm keepin' myself busy: I was quoted in a Washington Post article entitled Forget Germs. The Real Contagion Is Our Paranoia. I have a brief bit in the final few paragraphs. Man, I gave that reporter lots of good material--I wonder why she didn't use it. Possibly because I confused her paper with the Wall Street Journal and asked if I should send a headshot for the stipple portraitist. (True story.) I am providing color commentary for Friday's Layer Tennis match. This will be my third time in the lime-green sportjacket--the previous two installments are here and yonder. Tomorrow, in this very space, I'll be posting something I recently wrote of which I am kinda proud. Stay Tuned! [link \| Comments (18) \| Elsewhere] April 30, 2009 Swine Flu Threat Level Raised to Phase 11 `WASHINGTON D.C. - Cough! Cough cough! One sec. Cough! Cough cough! Ahem. Aherem. Okay.` The World Health Organization raised the H1N1 threat level from Phase 5 to Phase 11 this morning, indicating cough! Indicating that there are now documented cases of website-to-human transmission of the disease commonly known as "Swine Flu". The level was raised cough! cough! Cough cough! Jesus Chri-cough cough cough! Hang on. Cough! Cough! Ahrm. The level was raised after 41 people contracted the virus from various domains, including 23 confirmed infections from Facebook. Epidemiologists ahrrrrm warn that "social networking" sites such as Twitter are common vectors for Phase 11 diseases due to the large numbers of people connected hrrrr, connected by hrrm, cough! Connected cough cough cough! `The WHO also recommended that citizens avoid websites that cough! Cough cough cough cough cough cough! That show signs cough! Cough cough cough! I'm so sorry about--cough! Cough cough cough! cough cough! Is it like hot in here or is it just me?` [link \| Comments (16) \| News] April 03, 2009 The Bad Review Revue Confessions of a Shopaholic: "If there is a single bright spot in the financial crisis, it is the possibility that one day producer Jerry Bruckheimer will run out of money." -- Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE Paul Blark: Mall Cop: "Looks like something stubbed out in an ashtray." - Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: "Proving that there's no statute of limitations on lousy ideas, director Andrzej Bartkowiakï's attempted franchise expansion returns to the Capcom motherlode that produced the worst movie in the entire Jean-Claude Van Damme filmography." -- Jim Ridley, VILLAGE VOICE Miss March: "A sex comedy that appears to have been made by people who've never actually had sex." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE Push: "Never stops finding new ways to make no sense." -- Cliff Doerksen, CHICAGO READER Pink Panther 2: Honestly, I don't think any review, no matter how negative, could deter you from seeing this film more than this image: [link \| Bad Review Revue]	The musings of Matthew Baldwin, Pretty Okay Guy Archive Favorite Posts About Contact XML Feed I'm also a Contributing Writer for The Morning News. 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