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I Am Funny

Dear Editor, Big Seattle Newspaper

Hello, my name is Matthew Baldwin and boy, am I funny. I mention this because Friday I was reading the top half of the front page of your paper through the newspaper machine glass (normally I would buy your fine paper, but right now I am unemployed, see below) and I couldn't help notice that you reported the outcome of one of the NCAA games under the headline "Gone-zaga!" Well, needless to say I had a big laugh over that, and then it occurred to me that this kind of humor reminded me of someone else's. Several hours later I realized whose humor that "Gone-zaga" joke was most like: mine!

Let me give you an example. Last week my boss came into my office to ask me where the completed Benson-Shepard report was, and when I told him that I had forgot all about it and hadn't even started he started to choke on the latte he was drinking. So I said (this is the joke): "Gee boss, you sure sound coughy today!" (Coughy = coffee = latte).

Anyway, my boss (who doesn't have a funny bone in his body .. except his "funny bone"!) "let me go" last Friday, which is why I am now looking for work. And seeing that "Gone-zaga" headline made me realize what job I would be perfect for: Head Pun Headline Writer. Obviously you can't expect some schmoe of a reporter to come up with comedy gold like "Gone-zaga," which is why you need someone to sit around, full-time, and think up puns. That person should be me.

By way of example, here's some headlines I came up with over the weekend:

  • Bush Nominated Appeals Court Judge Not Ripe For The "Pickering"

  • Senate May Get %15 From "Tipper"

  • Military Eb-boa-lient Over Operation Anaconda's Success

  • "Vice" President Putting the "Squeeze" on Iraq

  • New Color-Coded Terrorism Warning System Causes "Hue" and Cry
Well, anyway -- I could go on and on like this (and when you bring me in for an interview I will!) Please let me know when you would like to meet regarding this incredible opportunity to hire me -- I'm just the "Pun-dit" you've been looking for!

Humorously yours,
Matthew Baldwin

Posted on March 17, 2002 to