If you are an author and have recently written a bad book, please send me a review copy so that I may use the following Dorthy Parker-esque zingers.

• Your novel profoundly moved me: thirty pages into it I gave up and opted for a stroll.
• This book had me overcome with sensation and put tears in my eyes. But, then, paper cuts are always the most painful of wounds.
• Your skill in word choice is surpassed only by your inability to put them in a coherent order.
• I was simply unable to put your book down after the third chapter, owing mostly to the fact that I never again picked it up.
• Your work is a forceful testament to the often overlooked benefits of illiteracy.