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Judge Joe Brown

How to win on daytime tv's Judge Joe Brown.

Judge Joe Brown: [to plaintiff] Okay, now let me talk to you for a moment, because, frankly, I think your story has a lot of holes in it. You say that the defendant, here, came over to your house, unprovoked, and broke your nose, so you're seeking $1000 in medical costs. Is that correct?

Plaintiff: Yes, sir.

JJB: Now, originally you told the police that this had happened at his house, right? In his back yard, during a barbecue?

Plaintiff: I never said that. He come over to my house and punched me in the nose. Unprovoked. And that's exactly what I told the police I called.

JJB: You called the police? They say he called them.

Plaintiff: No, sir. I called them.

JJB: The police say that the defendant called them. Furthermore, their report says that you had got drunk at his barbecue and assaulted him, yelling, quote, "my hot dog did not plump when I cooked it!', unquote. And then you hit him in a jaw. I have the x-ray of the defendant's jaw right here in front of me, and it's clearly fractured. Your nose, on the other hand, looks fine to me, despite the fact that this all happened last week.

Plaintiff: That x-ray is of my nose -- the hospital guys must have gotten confused and wrote the wrong name and face-part on it. And those police, they were drunk.

JJB: [shaking head] Your story is simply unbelievable. I'm afraid I have no choice but to rule in favor --

Plaintiff: Wait! I should also mention that the defendant didn't actually punch me, his kid did.

JJB: His kid?!

Plaintiff: Yes, his six year-old son.

JJB: What the --?! [to defendant] You just let your son run wild like that?

Defendant: Yes... wait, what?

JJB: This is America, you know. And in America you not only have to take responsibility for your own actions, but you also have to take responsibility for the action of your children.

Defendant: My children?

JJB: You cannot just let your kids run around wild, punching people in the nose.

Defendant: I, I don't have any children.

JJB: You're not even aware you have a son? What are you, some kinda deadbeat dad?

Defendant: Deadbeat?

JJB: Well, I've heard enough. My verdict is that Mr.Love-em-and-leave-em here must pay the $1000 to the plaintiff, and pay $500 a month in child-support to the wife he abandoned.

Defendant: I'm not married!

JJB: Somehow that doesn't surprise me.

Posted on March 20, 2002 to