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Val-U

I went to the movies.

Concession counter teen: Hello and thanks for coming to Cineplex Odeon theaters can I get you a Family Val-U Pack Combo?

Me: What? A what?

CCT: With the Family Val-U Pack Combo you get two large soft drinks and a family-sized tub of popcorn for only three day's worth of wages.

Me: Well, that sounds pretty good. I guess I'll -- wait, did you say "tub?" A "tub" of popcorn? How much does popcorn does a "tub" contain?

CCT: [Points to cardboard garbage can affixed to wall.]

Me: Holy squirrels! When you said "family-sized" I didn't think you meant it was the size of an actual family. That's more food than I eat in a fortnight.

CCT: And then you get the two 54-ounce drinks ...

Me: Two 54-ounce ... ?! That's 108 ounces of soda! We came here to see a movie, not play water polo!

CCT: ... and you get free refills on everything.

Me: The frigate of popcorn comes with a free refill? Maybe I'll just buy one and pass it around the theater for everyone -- that should be enough to keep all 200 of us fed. Gluttony is one of the deadly sins, you know! What the hell, does Cineplex Odeon stock go up in direct propostion to the ass size of it's patrons?!

CCT: [Blank stare]

Guy behind me in line: C'mon, dude.

Me: Yeah yeah, alright! Christ. Okay, gimmie the family whateveryacallit.

CCT: Okay, but did you know that for only thirty cents more you could upgrade to the Super Family Val-U Pack Combo?

Posted on May 08, 2002 to