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Hey CNN, here's some news for you: your Crossfire show is duller than televised chess! You got a couple of right-wingers and a couple of left-wingers "discussing" the most polarizing topics imaginable, so that no one, over the course of the hour, says anything other than what you'd expect. James Carville thinks we're not doing enough to combat greenhouse gasses?! And Robert Novak thinks that the evidence for global warming is inconclusive?! Oh my stars and garters, who could have guessed?!!

Fortunately, I got your fix right here. Three simple steps:

  • Rename the show "Rapid-Fire!" That exclaimation point is important, so don't leave it out.
  • Reduce the length of the show from 60 minutes to one.
  • Allow each pundit only one second and one word to address each issue.

Moderator: Hello, and welcome to Rapid-Fire! Gentlemen, if you're ready we'll start the clock and begin. Drilling in Alaska!
Conservative: Yes!
Liberal: No!
Moderator: Guns!
Conservative: Good!
Liberal: Bad!
Moderator: Taxes!
Liberal: Increase!
Conservative: Abolish!
Moderator: Iraq!
Liberal: Restraint!
Conservative: Attack!
Moderator: Middle-East Conflict!
Conservative: Israel!
Liberal: Palestine!
Moderator: Worst president ever!
Liberal: Bush!
Conservative: Clinton!
Moderator: Finest president in history!
Conservative: Bush!
Liberal: Clinton!
Moderator: Each other!
Liberal: Jackass!
Conservative: Cretin!
Moderator: Time! This has been Rapid-Fire!

There's a show worth watchin'.

Posted on May 15, 2002 to Great Ideas