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Watchin' Tv At the Gym
  • All the tvs are muted, but the programs have close captioning. The problem is that they lag: when a segment starts the captions reflect what the person on screen is actually saying, but by the time the next commercial rolls around the video is usually several minutes ahead of the text. This results in the captioning for the show continuing on into the first minutes of the commercial break.

    Yesterday the first ad after a "CNN Headline News" segment showed Jamie Lee Curtis holding a cell phone in one hand and a big, metal bucket in the other. She spit into the bucket and then, according to the close captioning, said "That's a major breakthrough in the fight against Parkinson's Disease!"

  • Does Oprah even host her own show any more? Every time I see it on, that guy, that Dr. Phil guy, is basically running things. He's always sitting up there in the midst of one his convoluted and life-affirming metaphors, while the crowd nods and mutters "that's true ... that's so true." "Life is a grapefruit," he says, "and a positive attitude is a grapefruit spoon -- you know, those spoons with the point at the end that help you dig on into the grapefruit of life? And sure, sometimes life squirts you in the eye with juice, and sometimes life tastes a little sour, but if you eat the whole grapefruit you'll get 80% of the daily recommended allowance of that Vitamin C we call 'empowerment'.

  • During a "news" story about the upcoming Webby Awards, CNN cut to a shot of a computer screen that was slowly downloading the front page of The Onion. In the lower right-hand corner of the shot they had the word "Live!" in bright red letters. It was uncanny how similar it was to actually watching the Onion page download over a 27.7k modem!

  • "You know, I think the American people would be a lot more enthusiastic about this "War Against Terror" if they added the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!" guy and the "Can you hear me now? Good." guy to the Axis of Evil.

Posted on June 18, 2002 to