<< Books: Color of Magic | People and Their Pets >>
Prospectus: Chairman of the Night

I was listening to the news today and they were talking corporate scandals and Harvey Pitt. (Harvey Pitt, you'll recall, is the current SEC Chairman, a guy whose future is every bit as bright as the red-shirted unnamed guy on Star Trek who just beamed down to the surface of a planet and is told to look behind that rock.) As usual, every time they said the name "Harvey Pitt" my internal search engine, my pesonal neuroGoogle, began crawling around my synapses trying to figure out why the name "Harvey Pitt" seemed so familiar. This time I finally figured it out: "Harvey Pitt" sounds, to me, like "Harvey Dent" -- you know, the Gotham City District Attorney who had acid splashed onto half of his face, who subsequently went insane, and who now harries Batman as the infamous Two-Face.

Then I began thinking about what a great villain Harvey Pitt would make if, you know, some renegade Authur Anderson auditor pushed half of his face into a shredder or something. He could go mad and vow to take he revenge on stockholders everywhere in the guise of "Prospectus: Chairman of the Night". He could start a gang called "Hostile Takeover" and seek to control of the world's economy, alongside such evildoers as Bull and Bear, Penny Stock, Liquidity Lad and The Downsizer. And the only thing standing between them and total economic anarchy would be mild-mannered Alan Greenspan, known to corporate criminals everywhere as The Invisible Hand.

Congressman: But Mr. Greenspan, how will this proposal impact rural unemployment?

Greenspan: The stimulus package should be designed to phase out rapidly so that ... [Red light on Greenspan's watch begins to flash] uhhhhhh, if you'll excuse me, Congressman, I just remembered a very important charity function I have to attend.

I may be a complete geek for thinking all this, but I'm sure you'll agree: Harvey Pitt and Alan Greenspan, clad in green tights and fist-fighting on Wall Street, would be a helluva lot more interesting than listening to CEOs take the fifth on Lou Dobbs MoneyLine.

Posted on July 22, 2002 to