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How To Cope With A Disfiguring Sunburn

Cover the burned area with aloe vera gel. This will make you smell so odd that no one will come close enough to touch you.

To make the Universally Recognized Sunburned Warning Noise, grit your teeth, pull back your lips, press your tongue against the back of your incisors and inhale briskly.

After receiving a second- or third-degree burn, wait at least 30 minutes before moshing.

If your spouse is insufficiently sympathetic, be sure to mention how much it hurts after each and every movement.

When showering, remember to scream from the diaphragm.

If arms and legs are burned, walk like a robot from a 1950's science-fiction movie. This will in no way reduce the discomfort, but at least you will look like an idiot.

When the eleventh coworker enters your office and says "Hey, did you know you got sunburned?," we recommend either garroting or defenestration.

If your future is so bright that you gotta wear shades, try neglecting your homework, enraging your parents, and alienating your beautiful girlfriend. This will dim your future and prevent exacerbation of the burn.

Avoid movies starring Adam Sandler. Forever.

While sunburnt, always carry and drink from a fifth of scotch. People will think you are flush from drunkenness, and not realize that you are too stupid to put on sunblock.

Posted on August 09, 2002 to Humor