Also, every fifteen minutes it will bark. Land of Nod, here I come!
Heroin Chew toys: Some friends of mine recently got a puppy that immediately ran away. It's kind of a long story, involving loose collars, thunder, and a Nick At Night "Joanni Loves Chachi" Marathon; suffice to say, the dog ran away and my friends were worried sick for days. They kept putting his food bowl out in the back yard but he didn't return until, like, six days later, when he finally hungry enought to come home.
So in the interest of preventing this kind of tragedy from befalling others, I immediately applied by parsnip-like intellect to this vexing problem. What would prevent a dog from running away for a full week, asked I. And the answer was so obvious that I'm amazed that you, personally, hadn't already thought of it: a heroin addiction. That's where heroin chew toys come in. If your puppy runs away, he's guaranteed to be back on your doorstep, strung-out and whining for a fix by the end of the day. And this works a lot better than food as a Canine Retention Tool, because while a hungry dog can scavenge or eat (o)possums or whatever, a heroin addicted dog has no choice but to go home, unless you live in downtown Seattle, in which case your dog can get hooked up pretty much anywhere.
Wow, these ideas are so great that I am already rich!!
Posted on November 04, 2002 to Great Ideas
I once bought one of those little mini-waterfall fountain things in an attempt to create some white noise so I could get to sleep. Except that the sound of the flowing water, instead of soothing me into a restful sleep, would cause me to occasionally wake up in a panic thinking that a pipe had burst.
So instead I got a cat who every night at around 4AM starts biting my feet. I tried a squirting device to dissuade her but instead of running away from the stream of water she frolics in it and then goes back to biting my feet with renewed vigor.
So, put me down for a Cat-A-Tonic 4000. The vacuum cleaner noise will keep the cats away, and in order to prevent it from waking me up I will also take a couple of Heroin Chew Toys for myself.
I bought one of those nice little fountain thingers too. However, there are two things not nice about it:
1. The sound of the little pump is louder than the sound of the trickling water.
2. When I can actually hear the water, it makes me have to pee.
I think the way those things are supposed to work is that you throw the cat into the fountain.
So instead of used VCRs, the local pawn shop would end up full of rubber bones.
But Gal's Panic told me "Dogs Don't Do Drugs"!
Matthew, why don't you just put the vacuum outside your bedroom door? Just the sight of the Evil Machine is enough to make Gabe & Stew run for cover.
I guess that wouldn't sell very well, would it? Unless you came up with some great marketing gimmick.
Being a newbie cat owner, I thought I was alone in my private hell of nighttime cat playing. She sits on my chest, nibbles fingers, attacks anything that moves, then tries for the mini-blinds from my pillow, all the while purring as loud as a freight train. Sign me up for a Cat-A-Tonic 4000 please.
I know cats have an awful reputation for nocturnal activity, but try keeping a rabbit! Bunny (an unoriginal, but descriptive name) is crepuscular (meaning most active at dusk and dawn) which means that at dawn every morning she runs around like a lunatic, chews her toys, her food, and sometimes my toes and/or hair and/or fingers, depending on her mood.
Did I mention her charming habit of peeing on my bed? Oh yeah, and rabbit urine is bright orange!
Think the Cat-A-Tonic 4000 would work on our lagomorph friends???