Bad Review Revue: Loser By A Nose

A few months ago, defective yeti was excited to discover Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, The Worst Movie Ever as evidenced by its astounding 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. We naturally assumed this would forever remain a feat unequaled, like Cal Ripkin's 2632 consecutive games, or that guy who got into the Guinness Book of World Records by eating a bicycle.

That'll teach us to overestimate Hollywood.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Roberto Benigni's Pinocchio:

"Benigni's Pinocchio is meant to be adorable, but he comes off as less an enchanted puppet than as a harmlessly deranged middle-aged man prancing about in the kind of froufrou cream-colored pantsuit that Dinah Shore retired to her back closet in 1977." -- Owen Gleiberman, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

"Lethal for kids and an unspeakable insult to adults, this unreleasable fiasco is a torture for all." -- Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER

"An oddity that will be avoided by millions of people, this new Pinocchio. Osama bin Laden could attend a showing in Times Square and be confident of remaining hidden." -- Elvis Mitchell, THE NEW YORK TIMES

"Creepy, in a Michael Jackson sort of way." -- Sean Means, SALT LAKE TRIBUNE

"Here's hoping Benigni doesn't tackle The Little Mermaid as his next project." -- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR