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Great Ideas For Dead People

Apparently there's a company that will take the ashes of your deceased loved-one and turn them into a diamond. That's a great idea! But the prices are outrageous: ten grand for only three-fourths of a caret.

Why so much? Is it because it's expensive to generate the pressure needed to squeeze a gem out of carbon-based ashes? If so, they should offer a cheaper option for regular folks like you and I: pay for a lower PSI and turn your deceased loved-one's ashes into a charcoal briquette! Heck, that would be better than a diamond, because you could put the final product to good use.

Neil: Awesome barbecue, dude. These bratwurst are killer.

Carl: The secret is in the Uncle Milton.

And for real cheapskates, they could just stuff your loved-one's ashes into a snowglobe for keepsaking. Actually, that's a pretty great idea in its own right. A few months back we had a Terror Alert here in Seattle after some Brainiac dropped a baseball fan's ashes onto Safeco Field. And the FAA prohibits the release of cremated ashes over urban areas anyway. So they should make custom snowglobes, with landscapes (or baseball stadiums) in the bottom and Dead Guy Ashes in the air. Why drop Grandpa Willie over Manhattan once, when, with a daily shake, you can scatter his ashes over the city day after day after day?

Posted on January 21, 2003 to Great Ideas





Comments

matt, matt, matt. what can i say. speechless. you are a JEEN-E-US!

Posted by: nookiemonster on January 21, 2003 4:28 PM

I stumbled on this site of yours yesterday...my goodness you have a fascinating mind. haha. Everyone should be able to afford an extra-special bit of charcoal....

Posted by: yensen on January 21, 2003 4:44 PM

Just checking out some of the Bloggie nominees, I like this one already. Incidentally, so as to remain on the current topic, the other day a Rolling Stone fanatic's widow dumped her hubby's ashes onto the stage the group was playing on. She'd asked security if it would be alright (they said probably not), but she went ahead and did it anyway, despite their refusal, thereby fulfilling her husband's dream of being onstage with the Stones. In other funny(?) death-related news, some nutjob snuffed himself with a guillotine he made himself not long ago. It seems that death (as well as what you have done with yourself afterwards) is turning into a highly-stylized thing these days. Well, enjoyed your blog, I'm screwing around with my template at the moment and I'll be sure to link it soon.

Posted by: Jimmy Olsen on January 22, 2003 1:01 AM

Where can I go to vote for the "Bloggies"?

Posted by: Stacey on January 22, 2003 6:18 AM

Ahh, google.

Posted by: Click Here on January 22, 2003 8:23 AM

This site is hilarious. I got this site off of chimpsahoy.com. Another great and funny site. Keep up the dead people jokes. You have a unique and funny mind!

Posted by: Nick on January 23, 2003 12:39 AM

I love the snowglobe idea. it's much better than stuffing mom in a freezer so i can collect her retirement checks. I'll have to ask her what her absolutely favorite thing is so i can get it lined up, she is 73 after all.

Posted by: kandi on January 23, 2003 7:48 AM

Grandpa:Hmmmmm...Is that a hint of grandma I taste?

Posted by: Jason on January 23, 2003 6:26 PM