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Duck, Cover, and Enjoy Coke!

Apparently the recent decision by the Federal Government to go Code Orange and urge Americans to arm themselves with duct tape and plastic sheeting caused Wal*Mart's sales to skyrocket. Of course, in our consumer oriented society, it's not difficult to figure out what's going to happen next.

Stage one: Regular Terror Alerts: After intense lobbying by hardware stores and other establishments selling sundry supplies, the Feds will issue terror alerts whenever the economy needs a "shot in the arm". Typical announcement: "A recent uptick in 'chatter' leads us to believe that a terrorist attack could occur anywhere in the United States, except in participating Wal*Mart, Sam's Club, and Home Depot locations."

Stage two: Brand Names: Then, when telling Americans how to protect themselves against the threat of terrorism, specific brands will be mentioned. Typical announcement: "We urge all American's to stock up on Terror-Care brand duct tape and plastic sheeting. Terror Care: Buy It, If You Love Your Family™."

Stage three: Product Placement: Soon, those selling non-safety related items will pony up to have their product mentioned in the warnings. Typical announcement: "And because you may have to remain holed up in your house for weeks after the detonation of a so-called 'dirty bomb,' we recommend you immediately preorder Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix from Amazon.com, just in case."

Stage four: Naming Rights: Lastly, the terror stages will rechristened to incorporate the names of the highest bidder. Typical announcement: "Today we are raising the terror alert to Code Orange Julius. We remind you that this is the second-highest level of threat, superceded only by Mountain Dew's Code Red."

Posted on February 18, 2003 to Great Ideas


This is why I have a case of Top Ramen left over from the Y2K scare.

I also think they should keep the Threat Level at Orange until the Michael Jackson attacks cease.

Posted by: Duane on February 18, 2003 4:18 PM

This terror alert was brought to you by Enron Code Black (tm) - oops. This bulletin just in. Enron has gone Chapter 235, so this terror alert is now brought to you by Arthur Anderson Code Shred (tm).

Posted by: Andy on February 18, 2003 10:28 PM

I knew marketing was the real axis of evil.

Posted by: Leonie on February 19, 2003 3:54 AM

Pure. Genius.

Posted by: Daphne on February 19, 2003 4:42 AM

Funny, yet scary at the same time...you should go into marketing.

Posted by: Stacey on February 19, 2003 8:59 AM

You called it babe. I don't know why you aren't renting yourself out as a psychic. Or: Code Orange! Brought to you by Federal Express (the uncontaminated delivery service!)

Posted by: Miel on February 19, 2003 8:42 PM

brilliant. surely now the government will offer you a job as Terror Alert Marketing Directory.

Posted by: carolyn on February 20, 2003 5:34 AM

News Alert: Terrorists have been lacing our duct tape with chemical warfare. As you were.

Posted by: Danelle on February 27, 2003 2:13 AM

now that we're only yellow (elevated) does this mean we can stop having terror sex and making 911 babies now?

Posted by: Anonymous on March 4, 2003 7:59 AM

This is exactly what our F&*KED up governemnt is doing. Bush presents himself as a moron, uncapable of completing a sentence, but he's really a strategic evil man. This is all about money and power. I'm not religious, but if I was, I would be outraged that this man is calling himself a son of god.

Posted by: Sheri on March 5, 2003 10:06 AM