Every year my friends and I gather to watch the Academy Awards and see who among us can make the best, ad lib, smartass comments as the events unfold. Some of last night's contenders:
Scene: Steve Martin's opening monologue.
Comment: "I'm glad to see that, out of respect for the war effort, they decided not to use funny jokes this year."
Scene: Catherine Zeta-Jones rises after being announced the winner of the "Best Supporting Actress" award.
Comment: "Holy smokes! That thing should be named 'Best Supporting Dress'!"
Scene: Catherine Zeta-Jones, in her acceptance speech, says "This is to my husband, who I love and share this award with."
Comment: "Actually, she has to share the award with him. It was in the pre-nup."
Scene: Adrien Brody makes out with Halle Berry before receiving his "Best Actor" award.
Comments: First Male - "Is it just me, or was that wholly inappropriate?"
Second Male - "That was was wholly inappropriate."
Female - "Oh come on. Given the chance you'd do the same thing."
Second male - "That's true. And it would be wholly inappropriate."
Scene: Elliot Goldenthal is announced the winner of the "Best Score" award for Frida, and the Academy Awards Band plays festive, Mariachi-style music as he approaches the stage.
Comment: "Oh, I'm glad he won. I love his work on those Azteca commercials."
Scene: Roman Polanski is named "Best Director" for The Pianist.
Comment: "Booyah! Like I always say: never bet against the Holocaust movie or the actor playing a disabled guy!"
Scene: Nicole Kidman concludes her acceptance speech for the "Best Supporting Actress" and steps away from the microphone.
Comment: "Wouldn't it be great if she was all like 'Oh yeah, one more thing: Tom is gay'."