<< Here's A Free One For You, Leno | Friday Afternoon Scratchpad >>
defective yeti Parenting Tip: Smoke Crack Today!

The Queen and I are putting some thought into a yetiette, so we bought a few books about what prospective mothers (and, hypothetically, fathers) need to do before getting pregnant. The advice for women is usually, like, 330 pages long; the part for men is typically a few paragraphs tacked on before the index.

Allow me to summarize each parent-to-be's pre-pregnancy duties:

Get a complete battery of physicals
Stop consuming alcohol
Stop consuming caffeine
Stop smoking
Eat a well-balanced diet
Take vitamins
Exercise more
Reduce stress
Keep testicles away from plutonium and heavy machinery

Needless to say, The Queen's a little bitter about the inequity of the preparations. She's gotta swear off coffee and red wine and cheeseburgers, she has to visit the doctor and the gym, she has to take pre-natal vitamin supplements that contain more minerals than The Museum Of Geological History, and meanwhile my job, when it comes to conception, is essentially "show up".

I have become a teetotalist, because some of the books recommended that prospective fathers forego the sauce. But the reasons they cited were pretty lame, of the "well there's really no proof that alcohol has any effect whatsoever on male fertility, but if we don't tell you to do something your wife is gonna be way annoyed, so why don't you put the kabosh on the Schlitz Tallboys for a spell, okay?" variety.

Actually, there is one thing all the pre-conception books advise fathers-to-be to do: stop using illicit drugs. Sadly, this doesn't apply to me. Which is a shame, because if I had a nice, unhealthy addiction to something, I could quit cold turkey and then I would get beaucoup credit from The Queen, what with the agonizing detox and horrific withdrawal process, etc. But that's the thing about living in Seattle, you know: you always mean to get hooked on heroin, but you put it off and put it off because you figure you can do it any time you want, and then next thing you know the opportunity to get strung-out and score major Queen Kudos has passed you by.

But don't make the same mistake as me! If you're male and thinking about having a kid someday, take my advice and smoke some crack today! You may not feel that a crippling drug addition is really the right thing for you at this stage of your life, but, you know, when it comes to parenthood you gotta look to the future. That's the thing.

Posted on April 10, 2003 to The Squirrelly


Tallboys! Heroin! Seattle! Layne Staley R.I.P!

Posted by: Sincy on April 10, 2003 11:51 AM

Dude, you have no idea. You think the inequality is bad pre-pregnancy. Just wait until the 8th month when she's carrying around a hefty size medecine ball inside her stomach, or maybe she'll get lucky and have to be put on bed rest. Among other things, women suffer side effects such as flattening of the arches, possible c-section, so on so forth.

The average father puts on 10-15 pounds during the *mother's* gestation period.

Posted by: smoothness on April 10, 2003 12:12 PM

Yes, well, I'm taking my guilt one stage at a time, thank you.

Posted by: Matthew on April 10, 2003 12:13 PM

well, at least *she* can still suck on a bong :D being pregnant and stoned would rock!

Posted by: kenny on April 10, 2003 1:44 PM

I believe you meant nice, unhealthy ADDICTION. A nice, healthy addition (to the family) is what you're striving for.

Posted by: Jonathan on April 10, 2003 3:43 PM

I've been through this twice. With my own wife, I mean.
Here's what it comes down to: she goes through the vomiting and the stirrups and the weight gain and the cramps and the headaches and the mood swings and the the the the childbirth. You have sex once. Your contribution lasts scant minutes and while you're contributing, you are also having sex.
Women are getting ripped off here. God is not only a man, He's a jerk.

Posted by: John on April 10, 2003 4:44 PM

I live in Seattle and we have a newborn (strange little creature). If the timing is right I'll be glad to pass on 10,423 enigmatic garments, plasticky devices and spend D batteries.

Posted by: Andy on April 10, 2003 5:29 PM

How exciting! But yeah, let me assure the Queen that the inequities have only just *barely* begun. Even after the baby comes out, mom still gets the short end of the stick, as baby will want nothing more in this world than to chomp down painfully on her boobies fourteen times a day. I know this because I'm here with my 12-day-old daughter right now! She's snoozing on my chest as I type this! Check out my link below if you're curious about all the sordid details (and I do--almost--mean all).

Btw, I'm reading a book called "The New Father: Blah blah" by Armin A. Brott. It's a sequel to "The Expectant Father: Yadda yadda", which I didn't read, but if it's basically as good as this book, I recommend it. I was surprised--I thought it would be a bunch of sexist crap. You know, targeted at game-watching, Bud-drinking, manly men. It wasn't.

Anyway, fatherhood is really awesome.

Posted by: Kevin on April 10, 2003 6:51 PM

"The New Father:" and "The Expectant Father:" are excellent books - according to my husband, particularily the "Expectant" one. He read a few of mine (the standards: "What to expect when you're expecting" etc etc) and they really do give men only a paragraph or two. And they go something like this: "Your wife might be moody. She might not want to have sex with you anymore. Your wife might not feel pretty anymore - tell her she's pretty." Not very informative :P

Oh - and there are new studies recommending men follow just about all the same things they recomend women to do pre-pregnacy. Makes for higher quality little swimmers!

(Please excuse the abundant spelling and typo errors that i'm sure are in this post - typing this with a little one trying to type at the same time is difficult)

Posted by: Amy on April 10, 2003 8:27 PM

That's cool. A yeti-itte. We are TTC (trying to conceive for all those who are not in the know). And I just posted today about becoming a heroin addict! What a strange coincidence...In fact, I posted about my desire for baby tranquilizers. Why can't we give those babies tranquilizers?

OK, my Yeti friend I have something really scary to tell you: When pregnant you are supposed to give up coffee. I've flat out told my husband this is a no-go...I honestly can't do it. He is so afraid of what would happen to me (actually to him) if I gave up coffee that he is begging me to defy this rule. But I am going to try to give it up...uh, soon.

Good luck!

Posted by: Miel on April 10, 2003 11:01 PM

If you are going to take up the crack habit in preparation for pregnancy, take a bit of advice from Baltimore, stick to speedballs - a combinaiton of crack and heroin. According to the NICU people I know the crack causes prematurity, but the heroin increases lung capacity increasing suvival chances.

Actually this has no physical effect on the baby if the *father* takes the speedballs.

Posted by: Dan on April 11, 2003 5:39 AM

Man, are you shitting on Bush? Everyone knows his use of cocaine was extremely minimal. And what little he did take was never in the immoral 'crack cocaine' form. Do you want the nations children to think smoking crack in ghettoes is clever? Would that make you happy??? Get a brain, moran.

Posted by: Steve on April 11, 2003 5:56 AM

The nation's children thinking smoking crack in ghettoes is clever would make *me* happy...

Posted by: i_cola on April 11, 2003 6:54 AM

It's strange every once in a while to, even in a site as great as this one, get a missive from that (apparently vast) sector of the population, the one with no real impulse control or thought process, where people say things like "get a brain, moran." It's like listening to good music on a radio station and having it scrambled by an errant broadcast of a cockfight live from Bolivia. Weird.

Posted by: Andy on April 11, 2003 11:35 AM

On the other hand, it may also be a joke.

Posted by: Andy on April 11, 2003 11:36 AM

What you really need Matthew is the Empathy Belly. (www.empathybelly.org/)

"During a childbirth class, a couple counseling session, or a prenatal check-up in a physician's office, expectant fathers can wear The Empathy Belly and greatly increase their sense of involvement, gut-level awareness and empathy."

So if you go everywhere with the Queen wearing this get-up she'll be so embarrassed to be seen with you that you'll be off the hook. Then you can sit in the waiting room smoking cigars and drinking coffee while she gives birth. Just like the good old days.

Posted by: Duane on April 11, 2003 11:40 AM

Aaaahhhh, the empathy belly is for wimps. You need to consider male pregnancy.

W00t! I bring you dumb links from the distant past!

Posted by: Skot on April 11, 2003 12:41 PM

Giving up alcohol and drugs isn't the hard bit for the mother-to-be. In my experience, giving up SUSHI is the hard bit for the mother-to-be. We had to bring her some in the day after the birth, she was starting to foam at the mouth after 7 months of no sushi.

That, and 'soft cheeses'.

Posted by: Paul on April 14, 2003 12:32 AM

"Get a brain, moran"

The pedant in me is screaming.

Unless, your actually talking to someone called Moran, in which case the pedant in me is shutting up and sitting in a corner.

Anyway-why do females get all the shit? Give this up, give that up, dont do that, dont do this...and what do men get?

*seriously, if anyone can answer this question, email me

Posted by: Charlotte on March 29, 2004 9:47 AM