defective yeti: Only A Test

As you may have heard, Seattle will be engaging in a huge, simulated bioterrorism attack this morning. I'll be doing my part to help make this drill as authentic as possible by first looting the corner store when I hear of the "attack," and then bringing all the beef jerky, Chick-O-Sticks and Mountain Dew Code Red I can carry back to my office, where I will spend the remainder of the day curled up in the fetal position under my desk and mewling. So, anyway, postings might be light today.

Update: Whoa -- I just heard on the radio that this whole TopOff2 simulated terrorist thingamaroo is costing 16 million! Dollars! That's a heck of a lot to pay for what is essentially one big role-playing game scenario. I mean jeeze, couldn't they just hire, you know, a really kickass Dungeons and Dragons DM -- maybe someone who used to run Top Secret campaigns or something -- and do the whole thing in the basement of the Wizards Of The Coast building?

DM: Okay Greg, you are in your office mayoring when a terrorist sets off a dirty bomb. What do you do?

Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels: Um, okay, I, um, I call Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske and tell him to go down there and, like, investigate.

DM: Don't just say it, roleplay it.

Nickles: Oh right. Um, okay, "ring ring!"

Kerlikowske: I pick up the phone. "Hello."

Nickles: "Someone set off a dirty bomb!"

Kerlikowske: I say "Who is this?!"

[Laughter]

Nickles: Hah hah! I say "This is Mayor Greg Nickels and I order you to go investigate the dirty bomb!"

DM: Okay, roll against Charisma and see if he's convinced. Meanwhile, what do you do, Gary?

Seattle Fire Chief Gary Morris: I grab my Fire Axe of Tor +2 and slide down the pole to my truck...

If you paid for soda and pizza you could probably do the whole thing for under a hundred bucks.

DM: A level 6 terrorist casts a spell of SARS on your party.

NICKLES: My level 8 surgeon will roll against his dexterity to try and place a surgical mask of protection on all of us.

BUSH: Then I'll use my bunker-buster +4,000 on something unrelated to distract the American people.

NICKLES: No fair! That's what you do every time!

Posted by: KOTWF on May 12, 2003 1:48 PM

I was in a role playing disaster once. My High School drama class role played a school bus/pontiac sunfire collision/disaster. I drew "grievous leg injury" from the hat but the special affects lady said that wound required me to remove leg hair. So I traded Thom Allister for "sucking chest wound" and "severe shock". He was on the swim team and didn't have any leg hair anyway. The chest wound was awesome. I had a small hand pump for squirting blood and I had to lay on fake glass and scream "Where are a my shoes?" ... which is apparently what people in shock tend to ask. That was by far the best afternoon I've ever spent doing school work.

Posted by: Dense on May 13, 2003 8:23 AM

Oh man, I instantly recognized the cover to Top Secret. I bought the Top Secret book from a used bookseller in San Francisco. It was only after about a month of trying to understand the fucking game that I determined that many of the pages were actually missing, and which ones were actually present were hopelessly out of order.

So I don't feel so stupid for not knowing how to play it - but stupid for not noticing the page issues...

Posted by: Skrubly on May 27, 2003 12:23 PM


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Only A Test As you may have heard, Seattle will be engaging in a huge, simulated bioterrorism attack this morning. I'll be doing my part to help make this drill as authentic as possible by first looting the corner store when I hear of the "attack," and then bringing all the beef jerky, Chick-O-Sticks and Mountain Dew Code Red I can carry back to my office, where I will spend the remainder of the day curled up in the fetal position under my desk and mewling. So, anyway, postings might be light today. Update: Whoa -- I just heard on the radio that this whole TopOff2 simulated terrorist thingamaroo is costing 16 million! Dollars! That's a heck of a lot to pay for what is essentially one big role-playing game scenario. I mean jeeze, couldn't they just hire, you know, a really kickass Dungeons and Dragons DM -- maybe someone who used to run Top Secret campaigns or something -- and do the whole thing in the basement of the Wizards Of The Coast building? DM: Okay Greg, you are in your office mayoring when a terrorist sets off a dirty bomb. What do you do? Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels: Um, okay, I, um, I call Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske and tell him to go down there and, like, investigate. DM: Don't just say it, roleplay it. Nickles: Oh right. Um, okay, "ring ring!" Kerlikowske: I pick up the phone. "Hello." Nickles: "Someone set off a dirty bomb!" Kerlikowske: I say "Who is this?!" [Laughter] Nickles: Hah hah! I say "This is Mayor Greg Nickels and I order you to go investigate the dirty bomb!" DM: Okay, roll against Charisma and see if he's convinced. Meanwhile, what do you do, Gary? Seattle Fire Chief Gary Morris: I grab my Fire Axe of Tor +2 and slide down the pole to my truck... If you paid for soda and pizza you could probably do the whole thing for under a hundred bucks. Posted on May 12, 2003 to Great Ideas Comments How many damage points if you run out of duct tape? Posted by: Laurie on May 12, 2003 12:38 PM DM: A level 6 terrorist casts a spell of SARS on your party. NICKLES: My level 8 surgeon will roll against his dexterity to try and place a surgical mask of protection on all of us. BUSH: Then I'll use my bunker-buster +4,000 on something unrelated to distract the American people. NICKLES: No fair! That's what you do every time! Posted by: KOTWF on May 12, 2003 1:48 PM Oh, dear. Am I the only person on the internet who never LARPed? What a world. Posted by: donut on May 12, 2003 1:51 PM that's hilarious! can i help paint the fig's? Posted by: vieux bandit on May 12, 2003 1:58 PM dude, LARPing is /totally/ different. this is a total tabletop scenario. where are your dice, man? Posted by: zach. on May 12, 2003 2:08 PM I was in a role playing disaster once. My High School drama class role played a school bus/pontiac sunfire collision/disaster. I drew "grievous leg injury" from the hat but the special affects lady said that wound required me to remove leg hair. So I traded Thom Allister for "sucking chest wound" and "severe shock". He was on the swim team and didn't have any leg hair anyway. The chest wound was awesome. I had a small hand pump for squirting blood and I had to lay on fake glass and scream "Where are a my shoes?" ... which is apparently what people in shock tend to ask. That was by far the best afternoon I've ever spent doing school work. Posted by: Dense on May 13, 2003 8:23 AM i only wish i had opportunity to play D&D. Alas, I had to settle for Magic: The Gathering. Posted by: harvey on May 13, 2003 11:10 AM Dungeons and Dragons? Ack! I hate Orcs! KOTWF - good one! Posted by: Sincy on May 13, 2003 11:39 AM So...who here has some lunch money I can borrow? Gwah hah hah hah!!! Posted by: Dave Beefoven on May 13, 2003 2:19 PM Oh man, I instantly recognized the cover to Top Secret. I bought the Top Secret book from a used bookseller in San Francisco. It was only after about a month of trying to understand the fucking game that I determined that many of the pages were actually missing, and which ones were actually present were hopelessly out of order. So I don't feel so stupid for not knowing how to play it - but stupid for not noticing the page issues... Posted by: Skrubly on May 27, 2003 12:23 PM	Home Archive Favorite Posts About Contact Search: Categories: Bad Review Revue, The Books Conversations Games Great Ideas Humor Movies News Observations Politics Squirrelly, The Storytelling Tools and Toys