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Blog Entry ... With Animals!

I went and visited my Grammy last night. We chit-chatted for a while and then got down to the serious business of watching TV. Grammy has, like, 700 cable stations, of which she watches four: PAX (the default), the FOX Sports Network (when the Mariners are playing), whatever station shows those reruns of Golden Girls, and Animal Planet. Tonight it was Animal Planet.

Lacking cable myself, I'd never seen Animal Planet before. What a weird network. We watched this show called Animal COPS, where they ride around with some Humane Society guys and pretend like they are as exciting and dangerous as the police officers profiled on COPS. In fact, everything on Animal COPS mimics the original COPS format: they show the time and location at the start of a segment, the officers give little philosophical monologues while driving around, and the whole thing is set to an unrelenting gloomy-action-adventure-techo backbeat specially designed to keep you on the edge of your seat while the Humane Society Guy herds a possum into a box.

Most hilariously, the show has a narrator who always speaks in this ominous and deadly-serious tone of voice, doing his level best to make the essentially boring routine of these guys seem fraught with peril.

First Humane Society Guy: Well, here we are.

[Humane Society Guys get out of car.]

Narrator: Getting out of the vehicle is a crucial step in any Animal COPS crime scene investigation.

[Humane Society Guys nonchalantly approach front door and knock.]

Narrator: The Animal COPS cautiously edge towards the front door, bracing themselves for a confrontation.

[Man answers door.]

Man: Yeah?

Narrator: Suddenly, the Animal COPS find themselves face-to-face with the perpetrator.

First Humane Society Guy: We're here about the pigs.

Man: Oh right. They're around the side of the house, follow me.

Narrator: The officers received a tip that the perpetrator is keeping pigs as pets, an act that's not only illegal in this county, but also against the law.

Then, as they arrive at the crime scene, the case takes an unexpected turn.

Man: Here they are.

Second Humane Society Guy: Oh, so they're pot-bellied pigs, then.

Man: Uh-huh, pot-bellied pigs.

Narrator: Reeling from this unforeseen twist, the Animal COPS struggle to regain control of the situation.

First Humane Society Guy: Well, like we said on the phone, we gotta take 'em.

Man: Whatever.

The show after Animal COPS was called The Planet's Funniest Animals, which was exactly like America's Funniest Home Videos except ... with animals! And I saw an ad for a show that was like Survivor ... with animals! In fact, that seemed to be the theme of every program: Well-known Show ... With Animals! Lord knows what else they have in this vein.
  • Sex And The Kitty
  • Law & Order & A Three-Spined Stickleback
  • The Gilmore Squirrels
  • Everybody Loves Raymond's Ferret
  • Mad About Ewe
  • JAG (uar)
  • Murder She Wrote, "She" Being A Cockatoo
Update: From the comments: "Buffy The Canine Spayer" (BillB), "Who Wants To Be A Millipede" (Greg), and "Welcome Back Otter" (Geena). But Tom pretty much wins with "Queer Eye For A Pig Sty."

Posted on September 18, 2003 to Favorite Posts, Humor





Comments

Perhaps they'll wise up and pick up a season long option of Cat Town: http://www.spatch.net/cattown/index.html .

Posted by: John on September 19, 2003 9:46 AM

You forgot to mention 'Leave It to Beaver'

Posted by: Giovanni on September 19, 2003 9:49 AM

Bad Dog, Bad Dog, Whacha gonna do? Whacha gonna do when they come for you?

Posted by: Rob on September 19, 2003 9:53 AM

At the risk of sounding like one whose heart chronically exsanguinates, [and don't get me wrong, I don't usually watch The Animal Planet, but...]some of the episodes show animals who have been grossly mistreated and/or abused and negelected. So occasionally, It's nice to watch as they rough-house some fatass dogfight promoter into the Animal Patrol squad car. I just wish they would show more police brutality toward people who are mean to kitties and puppies. Jeez.

Posted by: Francis on September 19, 2003 9:59 AM

I agree - there's not enough head busting of animal abusers. It's difficult not getting closure on some of these cases. Giving the person a warning or fining them doesn't exactly make up for the kinds of terrible neglect you see.

I don't watch much TV, but I fly JetBlue a lot and it seems that Animal Precinct is always on the Direct TV - my husband gets really freaked out when he's sitting next to me calmly watching a Cheers rerun or maybe a Classic Rock Video, and he looks over and I'm in tears over a dying dog.

Posted by: Stella on September 19, 2003 10:05 AM

My personal favs...

Steer Factor
Hollywood Hares
8 Simple Rules for Feeding My Iguana
Buffy the Canine Spayer
This Old Mouse

Posted by: BillB on September 19, 2003 10:49 AM

queer eye for the pig sty!

Posted by: tom on September 19, 2003 10:54 AM

How about!...oh wait, I can't think of any thing witty.

Posted by: ed on September 19, 2003 11:32 AM

Shepherdy
Pig Brother
Wail & Graze
Spaywatch
Charlie's Angelfish
Rocky & Bullwinkle
Twin Peeps
NYPD Beluga
Farm Trek: Sheep Space 9
Malcolm and the Cattle
The Eggs-Files
Miami Mice

:-D

Posted by: Anonymous on September 19, 2003 12:28 PM

Oops, forgot to put any ID on that previous entry.

Posted by: Doug L. on September 19, 2003 12:30 PM

Animal Cops is actually a paler version of the orginal, Animal Precinct. Animal Precinct takes place in NYC and occasionally they even get to arrest people. I highly recommend it. You do sometimes have to have a strong stomach, though.

Posted by: spygeek on September 19, 2003 12:37 PM

Monday I will call my cable company and ask them nicely
to put "Animal Planet" on the menu.
Sounds great!

Posted by: Terrebel on September 19, 2003 1:10 PM

I nearly split my cranium laughing at "Sex and the Kitty."
Sheep Space 9 is pretty good, too :-)

My own lame suggestions:

Hawaii Bat-Ho
Chicken in Charge
Pork & Mindy
Welcome Back, Otter (stop groaning. stop it.)
Wonder Wombat

Posted by: geena on September 19, 2003 1:20 PM

Besides head-busting animal abusers on tv, I notice that, at least among my acquaintences, there's not enough use of the word "exsanguinate." Nice job, Francis. Had to look that one up.

Posted by: ken on September 19, 2003 1:41 PM

why, is there more to it then "ex" plus "sanguine"?

Posted by: araboth on September 19, 2003 1:48 PM

Oh, man. What a riot!
Conan O'Rangutan
48 Owls
The Peepers Court
King of The Ant Hill
Fox News (duh)
Monty Ball Python
The Bat Cellar
Who Wants To Be A Millipede

Posted by: Greg on September 19, 2003 1:57 PM

Oh come on...
Everyone knows they run re-runs of the Golden Girls on Lifetime!

...right?

Posted by: modofo on September 19, 2003 4:27 PM

Well, personally I do like The Planet's Funniest Animals. I think a show with a dog or a cat doing funny things is way better than one with guys getting hit on the groin and with phony "home videos".

By the way: How about "Doggie Houser, MD"?

Or "Dougie Schnauzer, MD"??? No?

"Dexter's Black Lab"?

"Leopardy"?

Or maybe "Gnu Wants to be a Millionaire"?

Posted by: Aron on September 19, 2003 5:55 PM

How about a background track of "My Funny Porcupine"?

Posted by: Dan O. on September 19, 2003 7:51 PM

I WIN!

Posted by: tom on September 19, 2003 8:01 PM

People have way too much time on their hands.....

Posted by: Deemo Eshion Palagias on September 20, 2003 6:29 AM

I don't see how Gnu could ever be a millionaire, being open-source and all

Posted by: Jason on September 20, 2003 12:03 PM

Obviously almost any show is going to be 200 times better with cute animals instead of people in it, and of course any movie will be better with Robots in it, so... well, I don't think there is any avoiding the inevitable "Robotic Animal Channel" featuring such shows as

Sponge Crab Pantsē
American Aibo
Junkyard Dogs of War

Posted by: Rob Cockerham on September 20, 2003 3:43 PM

And let's not forget the "Six Legs Under" segment of the animal kingdom.

Ally McBeetle
Saturday Night Lice
Buggy Howser, MD
Green Aphids
Bee-witched
S*Q*U*A*S*H
Orkin Mindy

I'm not obsessed ... really I'm not.

Posted by: Doug L. on September 20, 2003 10:11 PM

Maybe it's just me, but I HATE the host of "The Planet's Funniest Animals". What the animals do may be funny or somewhat cute, but he absolutely ruins it with his annoying voice and bad jokes.

Bleh..

Posted by: Rachel on September 21, 2003 6:13 PM

Just like on Funniest Home Videos! (I've seen both America and Australias funniest home videos, and honestly, it's all the same.)

Posted by: Echidna on September 22, 2003 4:38 AM

Maybe they also show reruns of Falcon Crest?

Posted by: Hankdog on September 22, 2003 9:47 AM

You guys are so funny. I think coffe just came out my nose!

Posted by: kungfukitten on September 22, 2003 10:21 AM

Swinefeld
Llama's Family
My So-Called Lice
Koala My Children
Snapper Spawn, M.D.
Family Flies
Mad About Eukaryotes
WCARP
Sphagnum, P.I. (not an animal, I know)
The Ospreys
All in the Family Drosphilidae
Designing Wombat
Remington Steelhead
The Wonder Yeast
Jerry Springbok
T.J. Hookworm
My Favorite Marsupial
The Love Boa
CHimPs
The Greatest American Heron

AAaarrggh! Enough! Somebody kill me now!

Posted by: Ian on September 22, 2003 4:10 PM

Some friends of mine actually incorporated "Welcome Back, Otter" in to a student film they made when we were in college. I still cannot say that title without laughing.

Posted by: Bettina on September 23, 2003 3:14 PM

Monday Night Furball?

Posted by: toronto on September 24, 2003 9:42 AM

Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Otter.

Posted by: Destiny on September 25, 2003 3:04 PM

Er, and I don't want to hear about "Coupling."

Posted by: Destiny on September 25, 2003 3:08 PM

I saw an episode of COPS once where they tracked down this guy suspected of distributing child pornography. They busted down the front door and the SWAT team rushed in. By the time the cameraman caught up they already had him on the floor handcuffed. The half-naked man was about 500 pounds and face down on the floor in front of his computer. There were 2 chihuahua's frantically taking turns jumping from the floor to the man's back and then off again, which was in itself pretty funny... But the best part was that the dogs faces were blurred out the whole time.

Posted by: dt on September 26, 2003 1:00 PM

The Plannet's Funniest Animal's has passed the place of being funny and is now just bouring. I would like to have the email address so that I might contact the Animal Planet directly and see about getting that show off the air.

Posted by: patticake on October 1, 2003 12:44 AM

I just came to. I think the lack of oxygen from my hysterical laughter caused the blackout which in turn caused me to fall face first onto the floor breaking my nose. I am going to need your address for insurance purposes. ;)

Posted by: Christy on October 1, 2003 7:47 PM

sorry for those who dont like the show but personally i think what people do to their animals is a bunch a shit. if i was an animal cop id be shooting me some people. for those of you who think the show is fake well its not wise up guys animal abuse is getting to be a big problem not only in the US but also around the world. if you think this is all fun and games well you can kiss my ass cos i dont give a shit if you think its funny. i like animal cops

Posted by: cori on November 12, 2003 3:48 PM

I always watch this show. I HIGHLY doubt it's fake. I have seen people who treat thier animals like garbage. I have seen starved dogs, houses over run by cats, and worse. It makes me SICK how some people can treat thier animals, yet thier excuse is always,"I couldn't afford to feed them.",or,"I couldn't afford to take them to the vet."That's BS.Give the animal to someone who CAN and WILL take care of the it. Take it to the shelter yourself.Common sense. It's God awful seeing some of the images you see on Animal Precinct/ Cops.I'm glad there are people out there willing to be the voice of animals. YAY!

Posted by: Kym on December 9, 2003 3:18 PM

Animal cops is definatly not fake, I have seen them driving on the highway befor. I watch the show all the time. you make it sound like they do stupid stuff that is not a big deal at all but i have seen episodes where dogs have been shot and stabbed and if you don't thinks that's a big deal then you are a retard.

Posted by: Becky on December 10, 2003 9:13 PM

I know you find these shows funny and stupid but have you ever taken the time to take 5 min from your busy life of slamming other people and thought of what it might be like if you were left tied up outside in freezing tempatures and only feed when someone "remebered" you and threw you some old moldy bread or rotten meat? To have to sleep in your own urine and feces? in a box(if your lucky) with no door. You sit there day in and day out watching the person you love just walk by and not stop to even give you a pat on the head? instead you get a kick in the stomache or mouth. I know that this will not make you change your mind or the way you look at these shows but I just wanted to voice my opinion. and no I'm not one of those PETA, animal rights, " don't eat meat or wear fur Freaks" I'm an officer that has to go out and see this everyday.

Posted by: tony on December 21, 2003 5:08 PM

I completely agree with Tony and Kym. Why is it funny that these animals get mistreated and abused so bad? I saw one episode (which was not stupid or fake. I don't care what you think) about this tiny house that was comepletewly filled with cats, and after they got all the cats out(over 200, in case you were wondering), they had to put them all to sleep because they went kinda crazy. (No, it is not funny, it's sad).
Whoa, yeah..don't you ever have anything nice to say about anything or anyone? Wow. Why don't you give your attitude a break, chill out, and maybe once in a while (*gasp*) say or do something nice for someone? And how would their jobs ever get broing? They help animals evry day. Oh wait...I forgot that you think helping someone or something is a waste of time. Well, then. No on ever said you had to be an animal cop or watch Animal Planet. Why do you ppl who created this website take the time out of your day to insult someone? Animal Planet rocks evryone, and so do animal cops.

Posted by: Anonymous on January 22, 2004 5:19 PM

which show offers $100.00 and a t-shirt for using your animal video on there show? Do you know the address or TV show?

Posted by: Hapo on February 20, 2004 10:57 PM

I,m glad their showing animal cops on animal planet i didn't know sooooooo many people were abusing aniamls. they should make a law that if you hurt an animal in any way you should have to go to jail.

Posted by: mana on March 7, 2004 2:55 PM

10 things i hate about ewe? welsh sheep farmers discussing the annoying personal habits of their favourite sheep?* scraping the barrel here.

*ALTHOUGH-that does actually sound like a good reality tv show for channel 4...brb, gotta email my agent

Posted by: Charlotte on March 30, 2004 5:35 AM

Hey ass. I guess a show that depicts the reality of animal cruelty should be made fun of... I mean, they're just animals right? They have no soul or memory. Why would anyone dedicate a whole network to them? Let's just laugh at this and turn on something much more important and worthwhile. Let's see, there' s a wide variety of other reality shows that would enrich the mind. How about one of those fanatstic makeover shows or a drama filled sleazefest. We could always use more sex on television. I hope one day you feel the plight of cruelty and are renderd helpless. Let' s see if you'll laugh then fucker. By the way you and your grammy should find a new habit. Maybe one that actually involves moving off of the couch.(If you can hande it)

Posted by: Candace on April 13, 2004 8:02 PM

You think that animal cops are copy cats. They are just trying to help animals. And yes it is serious because they could die!

Posted by: unknown on May 1, 2004 1:39 PM

Thank you to everyone out there who is defending Animal Planet! Animal abuse is more widespread than most people realize. And you can be charged with a Felony (to you dumbasses, that's PRISON TIME!) if you are convicted of animal cruelty. Animal Cops and Animal Precinct are just a few of the shows (there are several Animal Cops) that actually show something realistic that most people do not know about. If you look up serial killers, most murderers have a history of animal cruelty before they went on to killing. Think about it!

Posted by: Tanya on May 5, 2004 9:55 PM

Just wanted to add: No matter what happens, if you beat your dog day in and day out, that dog will still be right beside you, your best friend, protecting you, day after day. Can you say the same for your best friend? Probably not. Animals are more loyal than people. Shouldn't we save some part of this planet?!?!

Posted by: Tanya on May 5, 2004 9:58 PM

Wow!!!funny ass site!!! I am an animal control officer and I dont think the shows portray real life. I have yet to see one of those pricks on tv with a shove scooping up guts. or trying to catch a pit bull thats obviously posessed by satan. that is the real world. God I Love My job!!!! Nothing like the stench of parvo squirts in the morning!!

Posted by: De on July 7, 2004 9:03 PM