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Coasting On Good Looks And Charm

The Squirrelly is boring, but I mean that in the best possible way. We seem to have been blessed with Ye Olde Miracle Child, who only fusses with reason, sleeps seven hours a night, and spends his waking hours smiling at everything that comes within four feet of him. If we could get get him to ixnay the excretory functions, he'd be a dream.

He's also hit a lull in his development. Well, technically that's not true -- I guess all sorts of magical things are happening inside that vaguely-too-big head of his, but when friends come over to see the Dancing Monkey Show we have to confess that he hasn't learned a new trick since figuring out how to hold his head up. For the first few weeks it seems like he was doing something new every day, but, according to the development chart, those days are over for a spell. The next big milestones are things like "Remains sitting up (with assistance)," where "with assistance" basically means the parent holds the kid up and pretends like he's reached a milestone. By that standard I should be able to put "Can perform neurosurgery (with assistance)" on my resume.

In fact, all the development stages from 2-7 months are things like "Color vision improves." And while I understand that cognitive development is fairly important step and everything, we're not exactly calling the grandmas and saying, "Guess what the baby did today! He saw magenta!"

Currently, The Squirrelly's main marketable skill is the ability to look as cute as all get-out. Not that I'm complaining -- judging from the development chart, this is the calm before the storm. Starting at seven months it goes from "Crawling" to "Walking" to "Arguing" to "Knows Where To Purchase Ecstasy" with frightening rapidity. I think I'll continue to enjoy the kid while I can still tuck him under one arm.

Speaking of The Squirrelly, I just called up The Queen at home and we had this conversation:

M: How's your day going?

Q: Pretty good.

M: Did you go for a walk yet?

Q: No, but I'm going to go right after I eat the baby.

M: After you what?!

Q: Feed the baby! I mean feed him!

Oh, man, I can see the conversation now. "No officer, she never gave me any indication she would do such a thing ..."

Posted on May 07, 2004 to The Squirrelly


Wow. He's VERY serious about being cute.

Posted by: Cristina on May 7, 2004 5:38 PM

The Queen can eat a baby (with assistence).

I had the dream baby too...forced me to watch "Beverly Hills 90210" reruns on FX twice a day. Oh my disused brain cells!

Posted by: SJ on May 7, 2004 6:33 PM

The Queen can eat a baby (with assistance).

I had the dream baby too...forced me to watch "Beverly Hills 90210" reruns on FX twice a day. Oh my disused brain cells!

Posted by: SJ on May 7, 2004 6:33 PM

Dammit! with and without typos.

Posted by: SJ on May 7, 2004 6:33 PM

I love that, 'eat the baby'. Yes, somedays, you want to eat the baby. Somedays I want to eat the third grader. Just devour him whole. "You didn't do your homework after telling me that you did and now I have to sign this sheet of paper telling me that I understand that you didn't do your homework?" I'm having you for dinner, boy-o.

The Squirrely is fantabulous.

Posted by: Anonymous on May 7, 2004 9:03 PM

Maybe she had watched Fat Bastard in Austin Powers one too many times and was starting to get "ideas."

Posted by: sam on May 7, 2004 9:14 PM

Clearly, you basically spend your entire life tormenting the Squirrely like the worst sort of Paparazzi, waiting for faces like this. Either that, or the Queen watched waaay too many Jim Carrey movies while he was baking.

Excellent work.

Posted by: Windopaene on May 8, 2004 12:22 AM

I love the picture. I'm glad to see that the baby is actually copiously cute and that it isn't just your duty as a father to say so.

Posted by: Another Sam on May 8, 2004 7:40 AM

I love the (with assistance) qualifier. Definitely using that.

And of course you won't call the grandparents when he sees magenta but I hope you'll call them when he can correctly identify 'Pantone 184 C'

Now *that's* a pretty cool trick.

Posted by: Melissa on May 8, 2004 10:21 AM

This particular picture suggests he could make a good Darrin, should they ever remake Bewitched.

And yes, babies are boring in an interesting way and vice versa.

Posted by: Andy James on May 8, 2004 11:00 AM

Beautiful Squirrelly! So SERIOUS! So cute! Just wait until he starts telling the little girls at his school, "I'll EAT YOU and YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!" At least we'll know where he got it.

Posted by: Alex. on May 8, 2004 6:40 PM

I can't blame your wife -- he is delectible. My son just turned three months old, and he has now mastered the new skill of "drooling uncontrollably."

Posted by: Martha on May 9, 2004 12:43 PM

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

Happy Mother's Day to your royal wife!

Posted by: Margaret on May 9, 2004 3:27 PM

by far the most adorable baby picture ever.
(such a rotten day for this lady squirrel, and i needed the cheering up.)

Posted by: heather on May 9, 2004 3:49 PM

Is the squirrelly wearing a nappy because he looks vaguely like the cat has just jumped on him (if you get my meaning) :)

Posted by: Rebecca on May 9, 2004 11:43 PM

He is adorable!

You do know that nature made babies cute expressly so that we do NOT eat them, right?

Posted by: Stacey on May 10, 2004 8:39 AM

Oh merciful heavens, my biological clock just exploded.
I may be dense (or just Canadian) but what's this 'cat jumped on him' thing?

Posted by: lisa on May 10, 2004 9:31 AM

You know, like, when the cat jumps on your bladder. Squirrelly looks as if he's just loaded up his diaper in that photo. In a very CUTE way, that is.

Or at least, that's my best interpretation as one whose squirrelly has passed through the "sits (with assistance) phase" and is now in the "says things like 'do you realize what I'm thinking in my brain about how angry I am at you?' phase"

Posted by: Carny Asada on May 11, 2004 1:00 PM

My brother and I were watching some somethingorother on Discovery Channel a few years ago, and they interviewed a vegetarian surfer, who, when asked about fried food, said: "It's like eating a baby." So, now my brother and I use the phrase "It's like eating a baby." to describe something that's fun, excellent, etc., such as a really good mix CD or a hot outfit. Or fried meat.

Posted by: kristin on May 13, 2004 8:17 AM