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Vice City

If you haven't already read John Moe's article Pros and Cons of John Kerry's Top Twenty Vice-Presidential Candidates, please do so now. It's great.

I guess I should care about who Kerry picks, but somehow I can't muster the enthusiasm. The whole selection process seems so clinical, less like picking the second most powerful person in the United States and more like comparison shopping waffle irons on Froogle. They want someone who can deliver a state, can do well in the South, doesn't have any skeletons in the closet, won't outshine the presidential nominee, can spell potatoe, etc. So many things to consider, and all so unfathomably technical and boring. For instance, I bet Bob Kerrey doesn't stand a chance because the campaign thinks a "Kerry / Kerrey" ticket would be too confusing. They probably envision the average voter standing the booth and saying, "Two Kerries?! Whaaa--?!!" and then opting for Bush on on the theory that's he's simpler. (And boy, is he ever.)

It would be interesting if Kerry picked Kerrey and they called their campaign "Kerry Nation" and went around destroying saloons with rocks, hammers and hatchets, though.

Most nominees vet vice-presidential candidates with an eye toward balance, looking for someone who's the opposite to provide a well rounded ticket. You know, like how in 2000 Bush was running as a lovable doofus, so they brought on Cheney because he has the charism of e. coli. Since the main charge against Kerry is that he's "indecisive" and "nuanced" and "intelligent," he should probably pick someone unwavering in his convictions, like Crazy Woman Certain That Aliens Told Her To Steal Soup Spoons From Restaurants, or Old Man Driving Aimlessly Around Gerbil Junction, Iowa, Because He's Too Stubborn To Ask For Directions To The Post Office. That would make for some great vice-presidential debates.

Cheney: Privatizing a portion of Medicare will stimulate the economy, and we'll be harnessing the powers of the market to increase revenue for beneficiaries.

Old Man: I know where I'm going! I've been to the post office a hundred times!

Cheney: Your plan, on the other hand, relies heavily on raising taxes.

Old Man: This is a short cut! I have a map of the entire city in my head!

Posted on June 01, 2004 to Politics


"in 2000 Bush was running as a lovable doofus, so they brought on Cheney because he has the charism of e. coli."

Haaahaha. Brilliant.

Posted by: Marie on June 3, 2004 12:20 PM

woot. That was a riot. Thank you for that burst of inspiration at the start of my day. Menasha, Wisconsin would like to elect Matthew Baldwin to the position of God. And yes, we are a podunk town.

Posted by: Smarmy Jack on June 3, 2004 12:21 PM

I'm just impressed that you dropped "Froogle" in there so matter-of-factly. Clearly, you know your audience.

The Ann Coulter one made my day the other day...

and "Kerry Nation" is a GREAT concept!

Posted by: Windopaene on June 3, 2004 2:03 PM

I dunno, you can find some pretty awesome waffle irons on Froogle -I bought a waffle stix maker yo! Kerry's Campiagn isn't nearly as exciting as my waffle stix maker.

Posted by: kels on June 3, 2004 2:36 PM

Hmm, if only you could have the Kerry Nation go around destroying bricks and mortar bookstores, you could accomplish two goals at once.

Go amazon stock, go!

Posted by: ranger on June 4, 2004 8:00 AM

The Daily Show totally bit off your Kerry/Kerrey confusion. I say sue 'em. Sue 'em hardcore.

Posted by: Alex on June 4, 2004 11:40 AM

There at the end, where you had Cheney debate the old man, I got all misty-eyed thinking about the VP debates during the Perot candidacy. Remember Admiral Stockdale? Wow. Now that was one lost old man.

Posted by: Mickey on June 4, 2004 12:28 PM

What if Cheney was the old man?

"I'm not lost! I've been through this desert a hundred times!"

Posted by: Lost Poke on June 4, 2004 12:43 PM