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The Catholic Church has been a little down on its luck recently, what with the abuse scandals and the Pope running out of people to confer favor on, to the point where he has to resort to blessing breakdancers. What they need is something that will not only refill their depleted coffers, but also enable them to earn the goodwill of people across the world like they did during the crusades.

That's why I think they should found What Would Atkins Do, Incorporated.

Here's how it works. The church opens a series of bakeries across the nation, selling all varieties of grain products: bread, muffins, pasta, you name it. Each outlet also employs a deacon, who sanctifies everything before its shipped to locals stores. It would be sort of like the kosher food deal, but, you know, Christier.

And voila: moneymaker! The 96% of the American population currently on the Atkins diet could enjoy all those baked goods they've had to forego, without having to worry about meddlesome carbs. Thanks to the (literal!) miracle of transubstantiation, those WWAD cinnamon rolls and bagels will turn into the (literal!) body of Christ after consumption, thereby converting a carbohydrate-laden doughnut into a the relatively carb-free hunk of Messiah. Dieters get to eat bread again and stave off eternal damnation, all at the same time -- it's win-win!

If WWAD, Inc. is successful (how could it not be?), they could even branch out by opening vineyards and launching a line of sanctified wine for vampires.

Posted on August 09, 2004 to Great Ideas


Haha... love the category "Great Ideas"... heh...

Posted by: Seth Thomas Rasmussen on August 8, 2004 2:24 PM

Wow, man. That is hillarious! It's about time someone poked fun at transubstantiation.

Posted by: John on August 8, 2004 2:43 PM

you stole my idea...i'm the breadmaker hear!

Posted by: w_ x=xp on August 8, 2004 3:48 PM


Also, although "mettlesome" is a word, it means "having a proud and unbroken spirit". Me no get. Did you mean "meddlesome"? That doesn't quite make sense either.

Posted by: JT on August 8, 2004 3:54 PM

Is it really spelled Doughnut? I've always spelled it donut. Or even do-nut, which is how a sign over a fantastic donut/coffee shop in Haywood CA spelled it.

Posted by: Pastry Lover on August 8, 2004 8:53 PM

That is like the funniest thing that I've ever heard. What will they come up with next?

Posted by: nn on August 8, 2004 10:18 PM

The bakeries could be called "Our Daily Bread"
The day after mass they could have day old communion wafers, half off.

Go in piece.

Posted by: studebacherhoch on August 9, 2004 5:38 AM

But can you make the body of Christ with leavened bread?

Posted by: Sam on August 9, 2004 7:34 AM

They will need little xiphoid signs on each item at Our Daily Bread to inform the consumer into which part of Jesus' body it will transmute. No banana and nut bread for me, no sir.

Posted by: James on August 9, 2004 8:46 AM

Jehova Gyros?

(Made with Lamb of God)

Posted by: studebacherhoch on August 9, 2004 9:33 AM

How about a stuffed bear for a mascot?
He'd have eyes that looked in different directions.
His name would be "Gladly" -"Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear"

Posted by: studebacherhoch on August 9, 2004 9:39 AM

LOL, that was too funny. Of course you do realize your going to a special hell for that. But whatever, I'm sure I have my own special hell waiting too :-P

Posted by: Scott on August 9, 2004 9:45 AM

god help me if one day i'm happily stuffing my face with sugar frosted christies.

Posted by: the mighty jimbo on August 9, 2004 9:47 AM

Lo-Carb Jesus. Wonderful.

Posted by: SB on August 9, 2004 11:06 AM

"Christier." LOL.

Posted by: Jennifer on August 9, 2004 11:25 AM

>It's about time someone poked fun at transubstantiation.

you mean something like the reformation?

Posted by: bob on August 9, 2004 12:38 PM

mmmmmmm, sacrilicious.

Posted by: kim on August 9, 2004 1:04 PM

Can this be franchised?

Posted by: dayment on August 9, 2004 1:54 PM

haha great stuff! yeah they have to be really careful that they don't turn into this:

Posted by: Mack on August 9, 2004 2:09 PM

Behold, behold the Lamb of God
(As it skips and hops).
I know that soon the Lamb of God
Will be the Lamb of Chops.

Posted by: Jamey on August 9, 2004 8:24 PM

Could I manage the Amstedam branch?
We do have a few Christians left, you see.
After most Jews were deported some 60 years ago
and within a decade from now the muslims
will have the upperhand.

@Pastry Lover: Yes, the word is "doughnut". In English.
In American English it's "Donut". Compare with
"colour" and "color".
If you ever have the chance to lay your hands on an English dictionary, please don't hesitate to have a glance. You may find it worth it.
English may not be my native toungue but I have this thing with languages: they should be used in a proper manner.

Posted by: Terrebel on August 10, 2004 2:10 AM

You had me at "Christier".

Posted by: abby on August 10, 2004 10:51 AM

Loved the piece. My glee was only slightly diminished by the vampire line. I think alcoholics would have been a better analogy. Vampires *want* blood, where as carb-deprived Atkins dieters want the bread, not the body of Christ. See, alcoholics could get all the pleasure of drinking alcohol, but none of the guilt because it's not REALLY alcohol (despite all earthly measurements to the contrary); it is (literally!) the blood of Christ. There. Now it's a perfect joke.

Posted by: Anonymous on August 10, 2004 2:35 PM

Bwaahaahaa, that logo is the best. Thanks for the laughs. What about leaking to the press that Jesus himself ate low-carb brain made strictly from grains?

Posted by: Mike on August 11, 2004 8:19 AM

My immediate reaction to that post: Will you marry me?

Posted by: gladys on August 13, 2004 10:01 PM

I never heard of you before today. I never read you before today. Yet, I believe I am in love with you. That would be awkward, me being a lesbian and all, but since you're married I think it's okay.

Posted by: Marla on August 31, 2004 12:22 PM