<< An Open Letter To The Frozen Microwave Pizza Makers Of America | Freedom Of Speech Is Cancelled! >>
A+++ I'D EAT IT AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!

My harrowing account of frozen microwave pizza wrasslin ("a drama .. in real life!") made it onto This Is Broken, but several commenters said they had never encountered this kind of box. So I went to the Lean Cuisine website to see if I could find an image. (I'm not saying that the pizza in question was a Lean Cuisine, though the circumstantial evidence certainly points in that direction.)

I was unable to find an illustrative picture, alas. But I found something better: pages and pages of "customer reviews" for the various Lean Cuisine products. Maybe it's just me, but the unfettered enthusiasm and wanton exclamation pointal abuse in these reviews struck me as both vaguely suspect and terribly amusing. A sampling:

Shrimp and Angelhair Pasta: "OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO GOOD! WAHOOO!!!"

Macaroni and Cheese: "These are my favorites! I just bought 20 of them today."

Cafe Classic Salisbury Steak: "Simply put on a scale of 1-10, this Cafe Classics Salisbury Steak is a 15!Enough said!"

Chicken a L'Orange: "THIS ENTREE HAS IT ALL !! IT GOES GOOD WITH ANYTHING, SALAD, BREAD, ON ITS OWN, ETC. IT HAS JUST THE RIGHT SWEETNESS AND SLIGHT SALTY TASTE TO SATISFY ANY TASTEBUD. DELICIOUS !! THE PERSON WHO CREATED THIS ENTREE IS A MODERN DAY GENIUS !"

Curiously, my review for the Four Cheese Pizza ("The box was complicated.") has yet to appear.

Update: I'm getting a surprising number of emails about this (four) so I'm turning the comments on.

Posted on December 08, 2004 to Links





Comments

I can verify your account. I too have had this experience with the Lean Cuisine french bread pizza and while I didn't find it prohibitively difficult, it was annoying enough for me to never buy it again. These days, I'm going with Freschetta.

Posted by: Sam on December 9, 2004 8:57 AM

I have never encountered a box exactly like the one you described, but I had these breakfast pizzas once that were wrapped sitting in a little paper tray, and to cook it you removed the wrapping and flipped the tray over to the metallic underside and sat the pizza on it then microwaved it. Hot damn was that a good breakfast pizza.

Posted by: John on December 9, 2004 8:57 AM

The Healthy Choice individual French bread pizzas have that same incompetent packaging. Plus, the pizza's not that great anyhow, as to go through all that crap. I'm eating Totino's these days.

Posted by: Esther on December 13, 2004 9:03 AM

my boys love to build the boxes. but they aren't so hot on the pizza. i'm just now catching on to this fact. they build the boxes, then pick at the pizza and most of it goes to waste. i have to remind them that this isn't legos, but nutrition. sort of. or what passes.

Posted by: kimberley on December 13, 2004 9:24 AM

i have seen these lean cuisine pizzas. i would approximate their size to be perhaps 6.5x6.5 with a narrow (perhaps 1/3") height. these boxes are dastardly.

i am not a fan of most lean cuisine packaging to be quite frank. the plastic that their meals are placed in does not hold up well to heat - many times I have to wait several minutes (by which time the food has irrevocably cooled- as reheating is futile and produces a synthetic, inedible mass) to take the food out of an oven unless i slide it under a plate.

Posted by: mathew on December 14, 2004 6:29 AM

Mmmm, synthetic, indedible mass.

Posted by: Esther on December 16, 2004 9:38 AM