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Desperately Seeking Stupid

It's that time of year again: time to ask dy readers to send me stupid shit you can buy on teh Internets for inclusion in my annual "Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers." Examples!

The Little Whizzer Liquor Dispenser is a small, plastic statue of a toddler that pees gin into your tonic. The Spencer Gifts Web site describes this as ‘A great conversation piece with a purpose!’ I have no idea what that purpose could be. Freaking me the hell out, that’s my guess. Guaranteed to elicit exactly one forced guffaw from the gift recipient before he opts to store it in the farthest reaches of his crawlspace.

You hate her on radio; you hate her on TV; now you can hate Ms. Schlessinger in the privacy of your own home with the Dr. Laura Board Game! Sure, you could play by the rules, drawing ‘dilemma cards’ and trying to predict what advice Dr. Laura would give, but I find it much more entertaining to simply invite over my favorite gays, feminists, and ‘mixed-marriage’ couples, set the game on the kitchen table, gather ‘round, and hate it. All components 100-percent flammable!

Those were taken from my 2002 guide, and last year's is available here.

if you have any suggestions for the 2004 installment, please drop me a line at matthew@defectiveyeti.com, or mention it in the comments of this post. Thanks!

Posted on December 16, 2004 to dy


Here are a couple for you -

Is it a holy icon, or a dessert? It's BOTH! The nativity scene s'mores kit (http://www.santas-depot.com/shopexd.asp?id=6019)

Remember the reason for the season with these great cards (http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist.9529140)

Happy holidays to you, The Queen, and the Squirrely!

Posted by: RedBetty on December 16, 2004 11:42 AM

To truly brighten your Holiday Spirits, boost your self-esteem, AND fulfill the gift need of a friend/family member, do this:

Go to ebay and search for "Sad Clown"
After laughing for about a half hour, buy the most hideous item available.
You're welcome.

Posted by: Keith on December 16, 2004 11:58 AM

This was just posted on Metafilter.

For those who think "Office Space" was one of the best movies ever made.
Build your own office cubical with The Cubes.

(via Metafilter - http://www.metafilter.com/mefi/37877 )

Posted by: eggi on December 16, 2004 12:07 PM


Posted by: Ariel on December 16, 2004 12:22 PM

The Mr Coffee Hot Cocoa maker

For people that can't handle "open package, dump into hot water, stir."

Posted by: Chris on December 16, 2004 12:23 PM

Pooping Reindeer Candy!


Posted by: Meg on December 16, 2004 12:58 PM

The Turd Twister - http://www.turdtwister.com Insertable Turd Extrusion kit.

Posted by: alan taylor on December 16, 2004 1:07 PM


be sure to read the testimonials!

Posted by: cleek on December 16, 2004 1:11 PM


I'd love it.

Posted by: Semaj on December 16, 2004 1:58 PM

When I read that line about "stupid shit you can but on teh Internets", at first I thought you were parodying the Commander in Chief of the US armed forces, who also talked about the Internets. I've never butted any stupid shit, though.

Posted by: Anonymous on December 16, 2004 2:52 PM

Intra Customer Service Clerk
hahaha. well played clerks....

Posted by: wedge on December 17, 2004 4:23 AM

Sorry, no bad gift ideas. In fact, I'm writing to say that these sorts of gifts are aimed at me. I almost bought that whizzing drink dispenser for a friend but when I went to the store they didn't have it. This is the same friend who has a keychain with a pig on it. When you squeeze the pig brown poopy stuff comes out its butt and then goes back in.

Posted by: ranger on December 17, 2004 6:41 AM

This is so wrong, in so many ways:

"Romeo and Juliet — the personalized romance novel! Starring YOU in happy-ending edition with your picture on the cover!"


Posted by: Jena on December 17, 2004 8:19 AM


For the woman on the go...

Posted by: Tungsten Papoose on December 17, 2004 8:20 AM


Posted by: Shooshie on December 17, 2004 8:29 AM

Thank you, shooshie. Thank you.

Posted by: Trenton Davies on December 17, 2004 11:10 AM

These are rad. The flesh eating virus is the coolest one. http://www.giantmicrobes.com/

Posted by: Traci on December 17, 2004 3:20 PM

I uncovered this while I was researching my list of "things cars should do but don't". Why not a life-sized hologram?


Posted by: Matthew Makous on December 17, 2004 3:44 PM

Now, I would actually like a little plush Black Death microbe to cuddle up with at night. I think it's cute.

Here's the ultimate gift for the math geek in your life:


Posted by: Larisa on December 17, 2004 4:08 PM

Oh, I'm too late, but I still wanted to share... the Octodog.


Posted by: CM on December 22, 2004 4:08 PM