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You Got To Cool It Down

The 30 least hot follow-ups to the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman

  1. "Good morning Cheryl. I mean, um, Sharon."
  2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow? I haven't done this in, like, fifteen years."
  3. "I can't stop touching you. Stupid OCD."
  4. "Want to join me in the shower? Grouting's more fun with two!"
  5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you. Uh, I mean centimeter of you. I keep forgetting you are Canadian -- thank god."
  6. "I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that's the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He'd take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn't hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn't -- holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That's gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?"
  7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria -- but, seriously dude: if you gotta explain it, the answer is "no.")
  8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito." (Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.)
  9. Her name -- her full name -- followed by a "Wow"? Followed by "Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?"
  10. "I'll get the light sabers, you get the tickets to Revenge Of The Sith."
  11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend. Yes, right here in the strip club."
  12. "No one's ever done that before and lived."
  13. "Can we do that again? I forgot to hit record on my camera."
  14. "I love your [fill in body part here]." No, not the bile duct, you idiot -- an external body part.
  15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Then continue shutting down all effective means of communication between the two of you for the next thirty years of your marriage.
  16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." While looking at the people currently in bed with her: "lucky bastards."
  17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see? I see Gene Hackman."
  18. I'll go make coffee. How much low-fat Irish Cream flavored sweetener do you like in your Sanka?"
  19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you, because you steal all the covers while sleeping."
  20. "Let's play hooky today. You won't get in trouble -- I am your principal, after all"
  21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot" or "Ever since we ate that dim sum I haven't felt so hot."
  22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing. Seriously, just give it squeeze. Just gooooo ahead and squeeze it, any time now. As soon as it feels amazing. Or, you know, feels adequate -- whatever."
  23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate. Or "Schmuck."
  24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now than getting dressed and hitting the road, but I guess I'm obligated to lie here next to you for another 20 minutes."
  25. "I'm ready to go again. Too much fiber, I guess."
  26. "Damn, I've missed you. Hang on while I reload."
  27. "How about a massage? Let's start with my feet."
  28. Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.
  29. "Don't ever leave me the check."
  30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby." A moment later: "Yep, we still have a baby. Goddamnit!"

Posted on March 17, 2005 to Favorite Posts, Humor





Comments

30 least hot follow-ups made me nearly die laughing. Unfortunately, numbers nine and ten felt way too familiar to me...I think I've had a guy say similar things about starwars, and I've definitely heard "WOW..huh, world of warcraft." I guess that tells more about me than I wanted to admit.

Posted by: sassycat on March 18, 2005 6:57 AM

"Damn, I've missed you... The house is a MESS!."

Posted by: Lost Poke on March 18, 2005 7:43 AM

I actually had to stop reading this half-way through because I was laughing so hard I was going to wake up the babies.

Posted by: Matt on March 18, 2005 7:52 AM

Thank you. It's been a while since I burst out laughing in the silence that is my office. Really - thanks.

Posted by: Colleen on March 18, 2005 8:01 AM

#6 is beautiful.

Posted by: scose on March 18, 2005 8:24 AM

"I'll go make you a burrito."

This is just bizarre. Who gets aroused at the thought of eating a burrito naked? Wait... unless "burrito" supposed to be slang for something sexual?

But no, that still wouldn't be hot.

Posted by: Matt on March 18, 2005 8:45 AM

As a woman, I have some advice for any guy who is thinking of using any of those lines: you will sound cheesy and fake and she will laugh in your face.

Now, if you use some of Matthew's lines, she'll probably still laugh, but it'll be okay, because you're meaning to be funny.

And I just want to say that I laughed so hard at those follow-ups that coffee came out of my nose and splattered my key board. Seriously, this is the funniest site I think I've ever seen. Keep up the awesome work!

Posted by: Erin on March 18, 2005 8:51 AM

Ohhh yeah, wait until my blog readers read about THIS!

Posted by: Pete on March 18, 2005 9:07 AM

Erin-

Are you done making me a sandwich?

Ham

Posted by: ham lot on March 18, 2005 9:09 AM

I died laughing when I read this last night. Then I printed it out for Andreas to read. Then I linked it. Now I'm circulating it around the office. THIS HUMOR WILL NEVER DIE!

Posted by: Ariel on March 18, 2005 9:12 AM

Holy crap was that funny.

Posted by: Eamon on March 18, 2005 11:27 AM

That was awesome!

Posted by: rebecca on March 18, 2005 1:03 PM

or as a friend of mine said to a girl when trying to explain how he loved how cuddly she was: 'you're not exactly slim are you.' Oops.

Posted by: john on March 18, 2005 1:10 PM

ROFLMAO!!!

Posted by: Bent Fabric on March 18, 2005 1:24 PM

Words that end in "uck."

Like Chuck! Oh, yeah. I'm in.

Posted by: Chuck on March 18, 2005 1:59 PM

Sweet fucking Jesus, you actually had me laughing to the point of pain.

Posted by: Joe on March 18, 2005 2:01 PM

1. I want to lick champgane off your naked body all night because frankly, you taste rank and I'll need to be pissed before I can go down on you.
2. Of course you're the first today. From the McGregor family. Apart from your older brother Kevin, obviously...

Posted by: Laura-Jo on March 18, 2005 2:18 PM

Very funny stuff Matthew!

Posted by: Windopaene on March 18, 2005 3:21 PM

Matthew, once again you are my hero.

Posted by: Czeltic Girl on March 18, 2005 3:38 PM

holy christ dude, that was awesome. :)

Posted by: phrawzty on March 18, 2005 4:08 PM

Thanks for a good laugh.

Posted by: Mike Steinbaugh on March 18, 2005 5:11 PM

I think there is nothing more hot than watching a woman cram a big chorizo, egg, and bacon burrito down her piehole...

What about (#31) Pull my finger...?
o_0

Posted by: Pisser on March 18, 2005 5:30 PM

Did you go on to read the "what not to say postings"?

This should be from Men's Mental Health magazine. Sick stuff.

And some of the guy's sigs??!!??

>>>"I love cocunuts you can break them open, they smell like ladies lyin in the sun."

And this "average joe" hasn't been snatched up?

Posted by: G on March 18, 2005 5:41 PM

This was funny to the point to where I was embarrassed I was still laughing out loud. Thanks.

Posted by: trey on March 18, 2005 6:47 PM

Memo to self. Do not read this post while eating. Laughter and food are a bad mix. Put screen and keyboard cleaner on shopping list.

Posted by: Anonymous on March 18, 2005 7:15 PM

Good, good, good, good times.

(Really Men's Health, isn't getting a woman naked the hard part? I say, once the clothes are off, don't risk saying anything "hot." Unless you follow up the "hot" with "diggity," of course.)

Posted by: Jason Looney on March 18, 2005 9:12 PM

Number 28 is how I feel right now. :)

Posted by: shar on March 19, 2005 12:18 AM

Um. Am I the only one who would be totally psyched to get a burrito? Burritos are good! (But honey, don't MAKE me a burrito, go buy me a burrito and get me some horchata while you're at it.) And then, let's get the hell out of bed and so somewhere outside, preferable where the wind is blowing.

Posted by: Miel on March 19, 2005 12:18 AM

Am I the only one who found this a bit overrated? I don't understand how some people are bursting out laughing. Is there any background that makes this so hilarious?

Posted by: [Si]dragon on March 19, 2005 5:54 AM

Burritos are hott. Double-t hott. Gawd, what's wrong with you people?!

Posted by: schmutzie on March 19, 2005 6:08 AM

[Si]dragon-

You're supposed to read the Men's Health article first, then read this. It makes it much more funny.

Posted by: Oneota on March 19, 2005 7:36 AM

# While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see? I see Gene Hackman."

"I see dead people."

Posted by: rune on March 19, 2005 8:16 AM

I'm writing crib notes of these all over my room so that the next time my girlfriend is foolhardy enough to do it at my place I can ensure that her drive home is A) precisely when I decide it should be and B) uncomfortable

Posted by: keith on March 19, 2005 8:41 AM

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! :-D

Posted by: DarlingNiki on March 19, 2005 9:00 AM

Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, that's awesome, dude. Numbers 20 and 28 are absolutely hilarious.

Posted by: Yet another goddamn Matt on March 19, 2005 10:47 AM

possibly the most lame series of one liners i have ever seen.i guess the brits have a far more subtle,(read intelligent)sence of humour

Posted by: Will on March 19, 2005 3:20 PM

That was hilarious. I wish I was single just so I could be in a situation to use these lines on a variety of people--they seem equal opportunity, and I'm sure men would love to hear those things, too. Lucky husband, he'll get to hear them all now.

Excellent work.

And Laura-Jo's additions were also very funny.

Posted by: SuzanH on March 19, 2005 6:23 PM

Hey, Will, professing your intellectual superiority before misspelling the word 'sense' does little to further your cause.

Posted by: keith on March 20, 2005 6:21 AM

rooooooo gave the link off in the chat room, after the #26, i found myself tumbled down the chair.

Laffed out finally.

Posted by: nawkturne on March 20, 2005 9:54 AM

Can someone please try the burrito remark and let me know the results?

I'm dying to know what would be the 30 best comebacks from a female for your comments!

Posted by: AT on March 20, 2005 1:18 PM

While I thought they were all hilarious, I loved #30 the most.

Posted by: Brendon on March 20, 2005 1:23 PM

Gene Hackman!!! OMG, that was hilarious.

Posted by: Dawn on March 20, 2005 4:11 PM

Loving it! Thanks for the laugh!

Posted by: trench on March 20, 2005 4:44 PM

Laugh out loud funny! Wonderful post.

Posted by: pfong on March 20, 2005 9:33 PM

Will, I'm English, and I thought this was very funny. tchh, some people eh?

Posted by: Paul on March 21, 2005 10:29 AM

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Posted by: eeka on March 21, 2005 10:47 AM

How to make #8 less hot:

"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito. Poof! You're a burrito! Hahahahaha! I love that joke!"

Posted by: Dan Someone on March 21, 2005 12:05 PM

Funny shite

Posted by: shaun on March 21, 2005 12:54 PM

#23 is, in fact, not only not hot, but potentially harmful. Two weeks ago, I saw and heard a flock of migrating ducks flying past my honey's window as we lay post-coital. Last Saturday morning, same setup, I heard quacking by her window. "Ducks!" I exclaimed. My girlfriend, lying naked and face-down on the bed, yanked her head around to witness the glorious V of migrating fowl, and pulled a muscle in her neck with the effort. Worse, there were no ducks, I was just hearing things. She was in terrible pain for two days, but we still did it on the second day, because I'm really good.

Posted by: PJ on March 21, 2005 2:40 PM

Shite. I knew there was tape recorder somewhere in my bedroom.

Posted by: isabella on March 21, 2005 4:05 PM

Funny, I thought most guys would think number 1 is hot. If it was another chick saying it, I mean.

Posted by: Amy on March 21, 2005 4:28 PM

Hysterical

Posted by: joe on March 21, 2005 4:42 PM

I laughed till I cried...

Posted by: srah on March 21, 2005 6:55 PM

SO glad I found this place, You made me laugh on a day where I thought nothing was funny...thanks!

Posted by: Sandee on March 22, 2005 6:21 AM

pure comic genius - i love it! :)

Posted by: geeky on March 22, 2005 7:14 PM

Tsch, this so totally made me add you to my LJ friends page. You know, through the magic of syndication.

Posted by: jla on March 23, 2005 2:28 PM