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I'm A-Start Some Drama

I walked into the kitchen this morning to find The Queen groggily gathering coffee-making accoutrements.

"Wha'cha gonna do wit all dat junk?" I asked her. "All dat junk inside yo trunk?"

She scowled at me as a reminder of the household's "no conversation before caffeine" rule, but then asked, "What are you saying?"

"No no, that was all wrong" I said, disappointed. "You are supposed to reply ..." -- I switched to falsetto -- "... Iím a-gi gi gi git you drunk, git you love drunk off my hump."

She looked confused. "I'm going to get you drunk?"

"Right," I confirmed. "Love drunk. You know, off your hump."

The Queen stared at me blearily.

"And then," I continued, "you emphasize this final point by saying: My hump, my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My --"

The Queen interrupted. "Is this that song you've been talking about on your blog?"

"Hang on," I said. "We've coming up on the best part."

"Okay," she said, resigned.

"Are you ready?"

"I'm ready."

I cleared my throat, took a deep breath, and began again. "My hump, my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps."

There was a long, stunned silence.

"Check it out," I added.

"That's awful," said The Queen in horror.

"Now you understand," I said, nodding somberly. "And it's knowledge that can never be unlearned."

"Why?" asked the Queen. "Why did you do that?"

I shrugged. "That song is like The Ring," I explained. "You have to pass it on, or you die."

Posted on December 15, 2005 to Conversations, Favorite Posts, The Queen





Comments

check it out.

I'm beginning to think that this song isn't actually bad. It's something else entirely. Bad stuff can just be dismissed, but this song is different. It's extremely effective at penerating our defenses and lodging itself somewere internally, like a virus. It mutates and infects your thoughts for the few next hours, or days.

Following the slate article I went to video.google and watched an embarassing number of those amateur home videos. girls getting retarted to this song, as encouraged by another black eyes song that is actually good.

Maybe this song isn't actually any different than the old Two Live Crew songs, which though bad, were fun and have their legitimate place in pop culture. I just wish someone would invent a cure to knock this thing out of me.

Posted by: John on December 16, 2005 10:48 AM

I went to a karaoke Christmas party last weekend (oh, yes, they exist) and that song was performed by my friends. They still don't understand why I left without saying good-bye.

Posted by: Dharma on December 16, 2005 10:49 AM

Well, if the lyrics are accurate, then I'm somewhat relieved. I've been thinking it's, "my lovely LADY lumps," which is considerably worse.

Posted by: portia on December 16, 2005 10:52 AM

I'm pleased to say I have no idea what song that is.

However, you want to hear bad, check out this:
http://www.fredmckinnon.com/media/OHolyNight.mp3

I can't tell if it's someone trying to be funny or a really, really really bad singer. Make sure you listen to the whole thing.

Posted by: SMurph on December 16, 2005 10:53 AM

It IS "lady lumps" and it IS considerably worse.

Posted by: josh on December 16, 2005 11:00 AM

According to the lyrics, it's "little lumps" in the first verse and "lady lumps" in every verse thereafter. I just upatded my post because I'm sure I said "lady lumps" in my redition for The Queen, as I was angling for maximum awful-ocity.

Posted by: Matthew on December 16, 2005 11:04 AM

I love that song. Hell, I love the whole damn album.

Posted by: Eamon on December 16, 2005 11:23 AM

This is possibly the best dialogue I've seen in quite awhile. I love that you just sang that song to your wife. Love it!

Posted by: John on December 16, 2005 12:04 PM

Oh, god. See, because then you start thinking about it, about which lumps we're talking about. It could be any number of lumps, most of which are lady-specific. And then you never want to put on jeans again, but you know you can't live the rest of your life without wearing jeans. And then you cry softly.

Posted by: portia on December 16, 2005 12:05 PM

KDWB in Minneapolis had a contest to see who could get their Grandma's to come in to the station and karaoke the "My Humps" song the best. The winner got to go backstage to interview Gwen Stefani.
I'm thinking I'm missing the tie-in there, but oh well. Their website has a link to the winning Grandma singing it.

Posted by: Justine on December 16, 2005 12:10 PM

I've never heard that song and I'd like to keep it that way. That's why I never listen to the radio, only my own hand-picked music on my iPod and CDs.

Posted by: mike on December 16, 2005 12:15 PM

I had to look up the lyrics yesterday to make sure I was getting them right in my comment. I then took about thirty screen shots of various stuff for a presentation I'm working on. Only this morning did I realize my Google search bar said "my humps, lyrics" in every shot.

Posted by: Max on December 16, 2005 12:49 PM

Well, I own the album. I know all the words. I was mildly amused the first time I heard this one. Then it got stuck in my head. Please note this was more then six months ago when I first heard this particular song. It does not get better. It does not remove itself from your mind. No. Instead, it wedges itself more firmly into every synaptic response your brain dares to create.

You're all doomed.

Posted by: Debra on December 16, 2005 1:06 PM

Am I the only one who can't stop thinking of cancer when the lady lumps line comes up?

I am?

I'm so sorry.

Posted by: x on December 16, 2005 1:32 PM

To me it doesnt become truly appalling in quality until the part about "all dem breassss inside dat shirt"

It doesn't even rhyme. If it was "all dem breasss up on dat chesssst" then I could give it a pass.

Posted by: Big J on December 16, 2005 1:37 PM

Bah! I'm laughing my hump off reading these comments. Personally, I perfer the other song on this album where you randomly shout "Phillipino!" throughout the rap. That's right..go ahead and check it out. I'll wait.

Posted by: TexasGirl on December 16, 2005 1:41 PM

I actually had not heard this song until a few hours ago, when I just had to check it out (for some reason, it kept being mentioned everywhere I looked.)

I am astonished, appalled, and a bunch of other things. And has anyone else noticed that, um, Fergie is *scary* looking?

I don't own a TV. This is all new to me. I'm scared.

Posted by: kate on December 16, 2005 2:07 PM

If you think that the lyrics are bad, you should check out the video!

Posted by: natasha on December 16, 2005 3:49 PM

TexasGirl, this is probably because one of the group members is actually Filipino.

Posted by: Laura on December 16, 2005 4:22 PM

Tell me, how many lumps do you take in your coffee?

When I watched the video, I concluded that it actually does damage to one's immortal soul.

Posted by: RichM on December 16, 2005 5:06 PM

Point of order: proper usage of the improper usage of "I'm going to start" --> "I'm gonna start" --> "I'ma start". Not "I'm a-start", which is the wrong way to say "I'm a*s tart", whatever THAT means. Unless that's what you meant.

Posted by: JPed on December 16, 2005 9:55 PM

God I love this blog, and this post demonstrates why...

Posted by: Chris on December 17, 2005 12:55 AM

It's a lot like The Davinci Code; if someone tells you they like it or love it, you know you aren't going to miss any great music advice if you let your mind wander while talking to them.

Posted by: Max Erickson on December 17, 2005 4:56 AM

So amusing.

Posted by: Amethyst on December 17, 2005 6:26 AM

First, my husband imposes a "no conversation before caffeine" rule at our home, too. Which means I have nobody to sing to in the morning.

Second,

I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff,
milky, milky riiiiiiight.

Posted by: Lynn on December 17, 2005 9:02 AM

fuck me, you're funny.

Posted by: Dwayne on December 17, 2005 10:18 AM

And now I've listened to it. I had to, 'cos I couldn't accept it could be as bad as it sounds.
And now I'm sticking it on a cd to play to all my trainees at work. That cures it, right? Better than just passing to one person? It'll make it all go away? Help me forget?

Curse you Baldwin. Curse you to heck.

Posted by: Manion on December 17, 2005 10:47 AM

dude - i can't beleive you did that to your lady BEFORE she got her morning coffee. that's just ... gawd! there aren't words.

funny as hell though. ;p

Posted by: Manda on December 17, 2005 12:58 PM

this is funnnyyy...

Posted by: lezlie on December 17, 2005 3:32 PM

The b/f insists on serenading me with that atrocity, in a falsetto as well, at least twice a day. That and the Lonely Goatherd song from the Sound of Music. I can't decide if it's endearing or irritating.

Posted by: Jill on December 17, 2005 5:46 PM

Late one night in Grande Prairie me and my pack got on to a Greyhound bus. Early the next morning we got off the bus and boarded a shuttle to the airport. As usual after a night on the night bus, I was in a strange headspace, watching the first sunlight give the back passages of Edmonton a weird clarity. And then the stone faced driver turned on the radio. I had just spent the summer living in a tent in the bush. I didn't know what was coming. I didn't know what to do. I looked left and right at the dozey business travellers around me, but they weren't reacting. Had this become the norm while I was away? Was every radio I touched going to sound like this from now on? I wanted to laugh about it but I couldn't. What had happened to the world I understood? What ABOUT HER HUMPS? WHAT ABOUT THEM? OH GOD I remember it too clearly for any sort of comfort. Excuse me.

Posted by: Hugh on December 17, 2005 6:21 PM

it just sticks in your head doesn't it! i've had that and gold digger for two days straight...argh!

Posted by: kontan on December 17, 2005 8:56 PM

My girlfriend would like to be in a support group with The Queen, because I have decided (rightly!) that singing My Humps to her is the most fun we can have as a couple.

Posted by: lala on December 17, 2005 9:37 PM

You have to watch the video and listen to all the words before you can feel the full effect.

And this makes me laugh because I passed it on to my husband just the other day...but now I'm wondering: Who's HE going to pass it on to?

Posted by: ozma on December 18, 2005 12:28 AM

Um, wow. I was just on Amazon today internally lamenting the fact that, being an expat, I am totally isolated from new cool Western music here and have to buy compilations of the grammy winners or the pathetic "NOW That's What I Call Music" variety to hear just a sampling even...

But I'm not so sad anymore right now.

(followed a link from PennyPressed to your Seattle snow post, fyi, and I'm having some great laughs as I look around.)

Posted by: SeoulMom on December 18, 2005 5:21 AM

I love that blog post! Maybe the song was produced kind of like the play in "The Producers" was produced-to be a horrible flop. The record company might have said 'of the songs on your album, you must produce one for video' so they picked that one so their record company would drop them like Mariah Carey and pay them to leave. I like the black eyed peas, though.

Posted by: Zor on December 18, 2005 10:22 AM

> "Check it out," I added.

Comedy gold, Jerry.

Posted by: Thad on December 18, 2005 11:28 AM

That was the funniest thing I have read in long time. I passed on the curse to my husband and my mom. My mom, in turn, found this..

http://www.americangreetings.com/display.pd?bfrom=1&prodnum=3094053&Searchstr=three%20wise%20camels&st=t&path=31871

I was at a loss for words.

Posted by: Mel on December 18, 2005 12:49 PM

That was the funniest thing I have read in long time. I passed on the curse to my husband and my mom. My mom, in turn, found this..

http://www.americangreetings.com/display.pd?bfrom=1&prodnum=3094053&Searchstr=three%20wise%20camels&st=t&path=31871

I was at a loss for words.

Posted by: Mel on December 18, 2005 12:51 PM

That was the funniest thing I have read in long time. I passed on the curse to my husband and my mom. My mom, in turn, found this..

http://www.americangreetings.com/display.pd?bfrom=1&prodnum=3094053&Searchstr=three%20wise%20camels&st=t&path=31871

I was at a loss for words.

Posted by: Mel on December 18, 2005 12:58 PM

Dear Mr. Yeti:

Based upon your post above, I decided to check out the song and video you referenced, thinking it could not possibly be that bad. My lawyer will be contacting you shortly to discuss punitive damages.

Posted by: Sarah on December 18, 2005 2:03 PM

Oh, my eyes. They burn... my ears, too. I found this video (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8883622424300645080&q=my+humps) of a group of Freshman and Sophomore girls dancing to the song at a school function. At that point I decided that if I ever have children, I really will keep them in a closet until they turn 18. Ugh.

Posted by: Sara on December 18, 2005 3:18 PM


Too funny!! BTW, stumbled across your blog via a link on Jay's site. Nice blog!

Posted by: stolie on December 18, 2005 4:07 PM

Lol. Finally, thanks to you I know understand that song. The horror, the horror.

Posted by: pfong on December 18, 2005 6:48 PM

I get that line about "all that junk in your trunk" from my husband first thing in the morning and last thing at night, too.

I'm tempted to reply, "You tell me, cause you're the one who put it there. Remember that kid of yours that I had?"

Before coffee, it comes out as "Ghanhghhhhangh."

Posted by: Anonymous on December 18, 2005 7:44 PM

My cure for songs stuck in my head (I think they're called earworms):

I once had "Dancing Barefoot" by Patti Smith stuck in my head on and off for a year. I bought the CD, and now when it flares up I pop the CD in and listen to it a couple of times and it goes away. However, this means that you actually have to financially support the creaters of the music. It will only encourage them.

Posted by: C. on December 19, 2005 5:20 AM

Oh god, C, I had La Isa Bonita in my head pretty solidly for a year. Combine this with a blistering case of insommnia and you have a recipe for insanity. I think Dancing Barefoot would do the same.

Posted by: ap on December 19, 2005 5:39 AM

I'll tell what song is like the Ring: We Built This City by Starship. After hearing it, you never look at the world the same again.

Posted by: Broz on December 19, 2005 7:11 AM

The song is beyond horrible, and what compelled me to delete the CD from my hdd last July. Since declaring it the "most vapid pop song ever recorded" (lofty title if I ever heard one) it seems to be haunting me. Last week I was followed everywhere by it, three times in a row there were little chav-ettes shrieking the entire song on the bus.

I am a decidedly non-violent individual, and I know I have sung the entire Tenacious D catalogue while drunkenly riding the tube, but there should be some sort of legal permission made for people who sing my lumps in a vessel that prohibits escape.

Posted by: keith on December 19, 2005 9:00 AM

I'm dying here...I think my coworkers may think there is something wrong with me I'm laughing so hard.

btw, the scientic term for these songs is "earworm", there was actually a report on NPR this summer about these songs which you just cannot shake from your head.

Posted by: dunyasha on December 19, 2005 9:36 AM

okay, not funny.

Now I can't get We Built This City out of my head.

Thanks Broz.

Posted by: dunyasha on December 19, 2005 10:02 AM

That was beautiful. I hope your wife really appreaciated it. By the way...wtf is a lady lump?

Posted by: gigi on December 19, 2005 11:41 AM

it could be worse.

it could be "Shake Dat Laffy Taffy".

go ahead. google it. I dare you. find an mp3--i double-DOG dare you.

you will no longer think "My Humps" is the worst, most earwormiest song ever.

Posted by: gladys on December 19, 2005 2:33 PM

For the past ten or so years I wake up in the morning and can't seem to get "every little step I take" by Bobby Brown out of my head. Until now. I have woken up the past 8 days with "my hump" in my head and I keep humming it as I make breakfast for me and my sister. She is threatening to kill me, but I can't stop.

Posted by: kt on December 19, 2005 3:54 PM

True story: There is an *ancient* woman in my office who has an honest to goodness humpback. So whenever I hear the song, I picture good ol' Betty, with her cane, singing the Fergie parts and pointing to her ACTUAL hump.

The horror. The horror.

Posted by: Luna_C on December 19, 2005 4:34 PM

That was hillarious! I do that sometimes with songs too! Awesome!

Posted by: anonymousshannon on December 19, 2005 4:45 PM

Every time I hear that gawd awful song on the radio, I leave it on a friend's answering machine...because I also do not want to die.

Posted by: Jon on December 20, 2005 5:14 AM

Hahaha, the first couple times I heard that song, I just assumed that it was a really obvious, obnoxious parody of a Black Eyed Peas song, but when I realized that it was an ACTUAL Black Eyed Peas song, my head exploded.

Posted by: Alison on December 20, 2005 5:26 AM

There is at least a little justice in the world - We Built This City was voted worst record ever.

While she didn't write that song, if you want a Name for your Pain, it is Diane Warren. She has a rap sheet as long as your arm of Top Ten hits for such compelling artists as Michael Bolton, Celine Dion, Milli Vanilli, Mariah Carey (didn't she look plastic on that awards show last night?!), Ace of Bass, Rod Stewart, LeAnn Rimes, Trisha Yearwood, Aerosmith, Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera, Boyz II Men, Meat Loaf, Cher, Heart, Joe Cocker, even The Cult has scored a hit with a song of hers. Are you beginning to understand the damage she has wreaked? She is a truly awesome goldmine of absolute dreck. Look at her picture on her web site - she is ashamed and looking to the ground, but laughing all the way to the bank.

By the way, I have a theory... and I will put it bluntly to provoke:

Girls like Meat Loaf because the songs are stories about high school dating and they are melodramatic and "fun" (or vapid - potato, potahto).

Guys like Zappa because he can tell the same stories, but from a crude, cynical perspective, with potty humor and with awesome grooves (interspersed with silly sections, which some people like and some don't). And he can apply the same attitude to larger social and political commentary. And he plays badass guitar.

Yes, these are "gross" generalizations - but I've seen enough of it to put into black and white... let the flame wars begin.

Posted by: mroberts on December 20, 2005 8:36 AM

Similar to The Ring, this is like that movie The Stuff about an ice cream that people eat and then everyone dies . .

An evil search on Google video will prove it to you.

Just *do* not click on the "Play videos back to back" link.

Posted by: smoothness on December 20, 2005 8:38 AM

I still say that Fergie is a man, and has no right to be speaking of 'humps' or 'lady lumps'. *shudder*

Posted by: Esther on December 20, 2005 12:10 PM

They had the Black Eyed Peas as the performing band at this years Grey Cup (the Canadian equivalent of the Super Bowl). 3 guesses as to one of the songs that was performed.

I found this 10 times more offensive than that so-called 'wardrobe malfunction' that everybody went apeshit over. And I also can't get the damn song out of my brain - it resurfaces at least 2 or 3 times a day (of course my boss evilly blasting it on his laptop speakers at random times does NOT help at all).

Posted by: Mog on December 21, 2005 10:30 AM

I'm proud to say I've never heard this song! You may now groan loudly and curse me to hell for my enviable hump-free superpowers.

Posted by: Ella on December 21, 2005 5:11 PM

Best song ever. I almost died when I saw the video...the silver skirt!

This song is my ringtone, which makes me The Devil.

Posted by: Lumpy Lady on December 21, 2005 10:35 PM

Actually, the scientific name for "earworm" is "lyricosis". Check it out.

This song is the "Plan 9 from Outer Space" of music. So bad, it's good.

Posted by: Davey on December 22, 2005 7:36 AM

Has your wife become immune to your hilarity? She is in an enviable position of constant exposure to comic genius.

My favorite part: "Check it out," I added.

Perfect.

Posted by: Alexander Micek on December 22, 2005 10:58 PM

That is the funniest shit I've read in awhile! O my I fell off my chair laughing soo hard. I see that whole scenario between me and my husband, and him doing that to me before coffee too.
I like the Black Eye Peas, but this song is like a bad wreck, you have to stop and listen, like "what did they just say?" It's just comical and gets funnier each time you hear it. And I agree with gladys, that Laffy taffy song is the worst! Nothing like picking up your 7yr old at daycare to them making armpit farts singing "laffy taffy"

Posted by: christina on December 25, 2005 6:24 PM

Oh my god. My GF sent this to me, because we have been losing our shit trying to figure out WTF is up with that song, that video, the people who insist on playing it, liking it, singing it, checking it out


Holy crap. So, what's the deal? I have to pass it on now? Jesus. I don't know if I can do that to somebody.

Posted by: Yasonyacky on December 29, 2005 12:26 PM

That American Greetings e-card does the impossible: makes the most terrible song on earth even worse. I watched exactly 2 lines before screaming and quitting my browser.

Max, you are right on with your comment about The Davinci Code.

And I agree, the best line in this post is "'Check it out,' I added."

Posted by: mt on December 30, 2005 3:50 PM

System of a Down RULES!!!!!!!

Posted by: system on January 4, 2006 9:38 PM

this song since the first time i watched it has driven me so mental i shared it with my best friend - and now, together, we listen to it all the time and laugh our asses off at it and cry about how much it is torturing us. Someone described it as a virus, I think some doctors need to get a hold of this song and do something about it. The crazy frog song by the way, was played a few weekends ago 10 times in a row by my younger siblings with them running around the house and jumping on my bed singing to it while I huddled up in a ball talking to my friend fearing my life and more importantly my sanity...

when someone solves this please tell me?

Posted by: emm on January 4, 2006 11:02 PM

I kept on getting dysentary and a rash, and i went to the doctor, who did a skin test of various things i had ate or made contact with over the last few days.

I dont get alergic reactions usually,

I found out the rash was from a flower at my mothers house

When i got home this song was on and i violently crapped my pants for the next 24 hours

Posted by: Brown WIndsor on January 6, 2006 2:42 AM

I must be crazy but

I LOVE THAT SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Crazy Me on January 7, 2006 7:48 AM

Oh, God, I hate that song. You got me laughing, though...

Laryssa

Posted by: Laryssa on January 10, 2006 4:10 AM

while i was on holiday in germany i was watching music channels and all that came on was my humps and some german crap. anyway, im a goth and usually these songs want to make me vomit but after constantly listenin to it, i fell in love with it and bought the singe. now my mum and i dance around the living room like utter nutters shaking our arses at everything. BTW whoever sed that system of a down rule YOU R SO RIGHT. ive met them,theyre so kind!!!
AMY

Posted by: SOAD girl on January 11, 2006 1:52 PM

Quite possibly one of the funniest things I read in December....

Nick

Posted by: nick Drew on January 12, 2006 7:46 AM

I actually love the Black Eyed Peas, and I first heard this song in the middle of the night after I had just left a club in Orlando where I live. I was driving myself, and no one was with me. I was screaming out loud in my car, lmao, asking WTF is this SONG!!! So, I did not really understand the words by that point, just "my humps" and "my lovely lady lumps". Since I was a little buzzed, it was extra funny, then I have heard it so many times that I nearly have it memorized...SCARY. But I never listen to it purposely, only the 20 times it gets played on MTVH, mostly on Comcast only... :)

Posted by: Heather on January 14, 2006 6:55 AM

I read this post back in mid December and nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

Then, two weeks ago I was in the car with my husband (who I got hooked on this blog) and my mother-in-law when I happened to turn on my new xm radio to hear...

THAT SONG. I was so amused (having never heard it) I yelled ohmygod it's the song from defective yeti! and refused to turn it off.

My mother-in-law thanks you, I'm sure.

Posted by: Molly on January 17, 2006 1:49 PM

I think you are the best pop group ever and i wish i could be like you! (:

Posted by: jessica gould on January 20, 2006 1:11 PM

The word "lumps" makes me think of an old joke. It's really disgusting, but I'm going to tell it anyway. Ready?

"There are lumps in my milk", said the blind man who drank from the tuberculotic man's spit cup.

And yes, Fergie does look scary.

Posted by: Wowbagger on January 22, 2006 4:18 AM