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Desperately Seeking Stupid

Yes, it's that time of year again -- time to send me your suggestion for the stupidest items available for sale on Internets 3-7 for my annual Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers. See previous Slacker Guides here: 2002, 2003, & 2004. If you've found something so stuplime that it merits inclusion, send me an email at matthew@defectiveyeti.com, or mention it in the comments to this post. Thanks!

Posted on December 16, 2005 to Elsewhere





Comments

Gold plated slinky!

http://www.fao.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=1580

Posted by: Ryan Waddell on December 19, 2005 1:07 AM

I'm not sure if this is really stupid, but did you know that people are spending good money to buy imaginary money for use in MMOG's? Ebay has 280+ lots of ISK (the currency of EVE Online) for sale at the moment. When we say "Get a life", we need to specify "get a *real* life"!

Posted by: Jayarava on December 19, 2005 1:14 AM

I hope the USB Noodle Strainer has been mentioned before...

Posted by: Nelson on December 19, 2005 5:44 AM

I saw this in a newspaper ad recently, but you can see it here: http://www.butterbeantrading.com/03a163.html

It's the Smiley Tree Face -- which appears to be Mr. Potato Head-like facial features you put on your tree.

It's great if you're trying to replicate McDonaldland or something, but it strikes me as a little creepy.

Posted by: Jeff Sparkman on December 19, 2005 6:11 AM

I saw this in a newspaper ad recently, but you can see it here: http://www.butterbeantrading.com/03a163.html

It's the Smiley Tree Face -- which appears to be Mr. Potato Head-like facial features you put on your tree.

It's great if you're trying to replicate McDonaldland or something, but it strikes me as a little creepy.

Posted by: Jeff Sparkman on December 19, 2005 6:12 AM

This is almost useful ... http://www.bananaguard.com/

Posted by: natasha on December 19, 2005 7:33 AM

You've been here right: www.stupid.com
There is some pretty amazing crap there. I really want the Shock Tanks: http://www.stupid.com/stat/TNKK.html
Fun!

Posted by: Ryan on December 19, 2005 10:06 AM

Infidel's Revenge Ballpoint Pen. Ack.
http://www.susbloodlabs.com/

I also offer the Nascar crockpot.
http://www.crockpotcraze.com/racing/?tp=VE1HUj0xLHRpZD0yMDIs

Posted by: Mel on December 19, 2005 11:22 AM

Wait, one more....
Thank you. Thank you very much.
http://www.shop.com/op/aprod-p27704969?sourceid=3

Posted by: Mel on December 19, 2005 11:37 AM

Wait, one more....
Thank you. Thank you very much.
http://www.shop.com/op/aprod-p27704969?sourceid=3

Posted by: Mel on December 19, 2005 11:37 AM

http://www.cupacake.com/

An individual cupcake holder for the preschooler who has everything.

Posted by: Julie on December 19, 2005 11:46 AM

Could there be anything more stuplime than the bacon strip bandages from Archie McPhee?

http://www.mcphee.com/items/11476.html

Posted by: Keith on December 19, 2005 11:52 AM

My boss found a terrifying animatronic chimpanzee bust in Skymall:

http://www.skymall.com/webapp/skystore?process=prodDisplay&action=&pid=69757949&catId=Search

The price is $149, but I have to think the cost to your sanity is much greater.

Posted by: Kris on December 19, 2005 1:01 PM

I saw the C3PO version of this thing the other day at the grocery store and it's just as disturbing as it is stupid. I have no idea what one would do with this thing.

Posted by: Julie on December 19, 2005 2:28 PM

how about the avenging unicorn?
http://www.mcphee.com/items/11554.html

Posted by: wen on December 19, 2005 3:21 PM

How bout the Handi-Cleanse Personal Hygiene System?


The Handi-Cleanse Personal Hygiene System is a hand held bidet sprayer. This product attaches to any standard tank toilet and no plumber is required to set it up. Handi-Cleanse cleans & refreshes, is easy to install and use, is for anal and vaginal use, and for elderly & physically challenged people. This contains no harmful chemicals and is doctor recommended.

The package contains:
rubber washer
handle spray head
sealer tape
stop valve
fill valve

Tools needed: pliers.

Ok, its from "shopinprivate.com" so... uh, you can buy it privately, which is suggested ultimately. Secondly, um, WHICH doctor recommends a rigged up bidet for old people? Thirldly, I just love that it requires a set of pliers and comes with a STOPPER PLUG. Mmm, where to use them....

Posted by: Brodie on December 19, 2005 4:57 PM

erm, link ... http://www.shopinprivate.com/hanperhygsys.html

Posted by: Brodie on December 19, 2005 5:00 PM

This is always amusing
http://www.strangenewproducts.com/

Posted by: Brooke on December 19, 2005 7:08 PM

Oh Matt, oh Matt, oh Matt! Please, please, please. I want one of everything.

Posted by: Mom on December 19, 2005 7:47 PM

ok forget all the others, how about this one.

An artificial foreskin for men that have been circumsized!!!

No joke, 'When worn, the SenSlip will provide immediate protection.
Irritation or friction to the penis will cease, and the surface
of the glans and any remaining foreskin on the penile shaft
will slowly become dekeratinized'

check it out

http://www.viafin-atlas.com/index2.asp

warning: pictures of actual penises may offend.

Posted by: Anonymous on December 19, 2005 9:52 PM

Life is in the timing. I was all set to hit the top of your charts but I'm about 30 minutes late. I'll have to limp in with a weak suggestion of a Toothbrush Sterilizer.
http://www.brandsonsale.com/toothbrush-sterilizer.html
Bet you didn't know this was a critical lack in your life.

Posted by: andy on December 19, 2005 10:27 PM

Not just an amateur thumb wrestling ring, but a Professional Thumb Wrestling Ring.
http://www.usillygoose.com/prthwrri.html

Posted by: andy on December 19, 2005 10:39 PM

How about a phone scrambler for your international calls?
http://www.safetalks.net/sv-100.php

Posted by: andy on December 19, 2005 10:41 PM

Why don't you get them an mp3 of 'My Hump' - I mean, for the approximately 10 seconds its not on the radio, who could stand to be without it...

This assumes, though, that the song isn't burned into your brain already.

Posted by: Kevin on December 20, 2005 6:47 AM

http://www.christianthrowbackjersey.com

For when you want a jersey that looks like a Phillies jersey, but really says "Philippians" or a LeBron-look-a-like that really says "Kings James". And for when you want to get made fun of mercilessly.

Posted by: Dave P on December 20, 2005 7:19 AM

Two Words: Laser. Level.

Posted by: Rob Cockerham on December 20, 2005 1:30 PM

http://www.iattire.net/index.php/cPath/29?osCsid=2cfbf6501b63a9abbf58dc545dfa8af4

Costumes for you iPod.

Posted by: Adam on December 20, 2005 2:47 PM

That should say costumes for "your" iPod. I was not inferring that you're an iPod.

Posted by: Adam on December 20, 2005 2:49 PM

Bedside security.

Posted by: Teela on December 20, 2005 3:24 PM

http://www.pointlessbutcool.com/gadgets/icopulate

now your iPod can have sex with other iPods. Many other weird gifts on this website.

Posted by: Adam on December 20, 2005 11:12 PM

how about a battery powered eraser ?!

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B0007W5R90.01-A38VF1ZKFTUTWC._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

Posted by: iLLa on December 21, 2005 7:41 AM

http://www.whizzinator.com/

Endorsed by Vikings running back Onterrio Smith and actor Tom Sizemore. Comes in five colors: White, Tan, Latino, Brown, and Black.

Posted by: Girlygirl on December 21, 2005 1:27 PM

In case the car itself doesn't broadcast 'I'm compensating for something', here you go:

www.bumpernuts.com

And for the kiddies - a tricycle/Hotwheels-sized version! Warp 'em young!

Posted by: Ali "Lampshade" Dead on December 21, 2005 3:35 PM

A laser level is actually very useful.

Posted by: David on December 21, 2005 4:36 PM

Is this Matt Baldwin from Springfield?

Posted by: Heather on December 22, 2005 10:09 AM

All the useless stupidity you ever wanted in one site:

The Chalk It! Mug. You know, so you can write fun messages in chalk on your mug. Because that's not useless and messy or anything.

The Shaking Shakers. How lazy could you possibly be?

I don't know about you, but I know where I'm doing my Christmas shopping next year. Yowza.

The Strip Tease Mug. Dude. He's not even naked. There's a Speedo behind the CENSORED sign. Oh, my virgin eyes.

The Roll Down Fruit Basket. Moderately useful, but it still looks uncannily like a small intestine. With an orange shooting out the end.


Posted by: Heather on December 22, 2005 3:17 PM

Corrected with real live links!

All the useless stupidity you ever wanted in one site: Taylor Gifts.

The Chalk It! Mug. You know, so you can write fun messages in chalk on your mug. Because that's not useless and messy or anything.

The Shaking Shakers. How lazy could you possibly be?

The Strip Tease Mug. Dude. He's not even naked. There's a Speedo behind the CENSORED sign. Oh, my virgin eyes.

The Roll Down Fruit Basket. Moderately useful, but it still looks uncannily like a small intestine. With an orange shooting out the end.


Posted by: Heather on December 22, 2005 3:32 PM