defective yeti: Xyzzy

Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure Revision 88 / Serial number 54892

Oval Office You are standing inside a White House, having just been elected to the presidency of the United States. You knew Scalia would pull through for you. There is a large desk here, along with a few chairs and couches. The presidential seal is in the middle of the room and there is a full-length mirror upon the wall. What do you want to do now? > INVADE IRAQ You are not able to do that, yet. > LOOK MIRROR Self-reflection is not your strong suit. > PET SEAL It's not that kind of seal. > EXAMINE CHAIRS They are several chairs arranged around the center of the room, along with two couches. Under one couch you find Clinton's shoes. > FILL SHOES You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes. > EXAMINE DESK It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers. In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels. > EAT PRETZEL. I don't think the pretzel would agree with you. > INVADE IRAQ You are not able to do that, yet. > INVADE IRAQ You are not able to do that, yet. > GO RIGHT Far-Right You are on the far right of the political spectrum. Jesse Helms is here. John Ashcroft is here. > GO RIGHT Radical Right You are on the extreme right of the political spectrum. Dick Cheney is here. Pat Robertson is here. > INVADE IRAQ You are not able to do that, yet. > TAKE VACATION Taken. > INVADE IRAQ You are not able to do that, yet. > SCORE Your favorablity rating is 58% out of a possible 100%. > GO PHOTOOP Photo Op You are at a the Emma T. Booker Elementary School, along with a gaggle of obsequious members of the mainstream media. There is a book here. There are some children here. > READ BOOK You read "My Pet Goat." In the distance, terrorists attack the United States. > READ BOOK You continue to read "My Pet Goat." > READ BOOK You continue to read "My Pet Goat." > READ BOOK You continue to read "My Pet Goat." > GO HOME You fly around aimlessly for a while, then return to the White House. Oval Office > GIVE SPEECH Who do you want to give the speech to? > AMERICAN PEOPLE You give the speech to the American people. > DIAGNOSIS Your favorablity rating is 84% out of a possible 100%. > INVADE IRAQ You are not able to do that, yet. > INVADE AFGHANISTAN Afghanistan You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence. Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, is here. > INVADE IRAQ (Leaving Afghanistan first.) You are not able to do that, yet. > INVADE IRAQ You are not able to do that, yet. > FUCK Such language in a high-class establishment like this! > HYPE THREAT "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." > MONGER FEAR "Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud ..." > MUDDY WATER "We know that Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist network share a common enemy -- the United States of America. We know that Iraq and al Qaeda have had high-level contacts that go back a decade. And we know that after September the 11th, Saddam Hussein's regime gleefully celebrated the terrorist attacks on America ..." > PUNISH CRITICS "Wilson never worked for the CIA, but his wife, Valerie Plame, is an Agency operative on weapons of mass destruction ... " > RAILROAD CONGRESS You schedule a vote on the Iraq invasion for just before the 2002 midterm elections. As usual, spineless democrats roll over like an SUV taking a sharp corner. Your plan to invade Iraq now has the backing of the American people and Congress. > INVADE IRAQ Baghdad You enter the Iraqi capital of Bagdad, having toppled the government and captured the nation's key cities in only 21 days. You can't seem to find the promised throngs of citizens greeting you as liberators, but the footage of the Saddam statue being pulled down looks great on Fox! > GIVE CONTRACTS Who do you want to give the contracts to? > HALLIBURTON What kind of contracts do you wish to give to Halliburton? > NO-BID You give the no-bid contracts to Halliburton. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq remains unchanged. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq remains unchanged. > WEAR FLIGHTSUIT You put on the flightsuit. > SAY "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" "Mission accomplished." > EXAMINE MISSION The mission is not accomplished. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq remains unchanged. Some insurgents arrive. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. Some insurgents arrive. There is a small number of insurgents here. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. Some insurgents arrive. There is a moderate number of insurgents here. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. An election year arrives. > GO LEFT Far-Right Pat Buchanan is here. Sean Hannity is here. > GO LEFT Compassionate Conservativism You are right-of-center on the political spectrum. John McCain is here. Joseph Leiberman is here. > GET REELECTED You get reelected. > GO RIGHT Far-Right Tom DeLay is here. Michelle Malkin is here. > GO RIGHT Radical Right Rick Santorum is here. Ann Coulter is here. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. Some insurgents arrive. There is a large number of insurgents here. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. Some insurgents arrive. There is a huge number of insurgents here. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. > STAY COURSE The situation in Iraq deteriorates. Some insurgents arrive. There is an overwhelming number of insurgents here. > SCORE Your favorablity rating is 47% out of a possible 100%. > ADMIT MISTAKES You are unable to admit mistakes. > ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY You are unable to accept responsibility. > DECLARE VICTORY I do not know what you mean by "victory."

> QUIT Oh, how we wish you would.

You can make fun all you want, but according to your re-creation, Bush survived in Zork for, what, going on 6 years now. I consistently survived 6 minutes.

Posted by: Greg on January 17, 2006 11:38 AM

Hilarious! Of course, if you'd been playing the Hitchhiker's Guide game, all you'dve needed to do to escape the Ravenous Osama Beast of Afghanistan would've been to put your towel over your head. You hoopy frood, you.

Or maybe he would've fit into the Thing Your Aunt Gave You That You Don't Know What It Is?

;) Hilarious, Matthew!

Posted by: Meg on January 17, 2006 12:07 PM

Hi-larious! Simplistic and reminicent of Air America talking points but hi-lairious just the same!

By the way, did you ever play the Democratic Primary adventure? I tried everything I could think of, >SAY "JOHN KERRY REPORTING FOR DUTY", >SAY "YEARRGH", >SAY "I INVENTED THE INTERNET", nothing seemed to work. But they've never been able to work the bugs out of that system so...

Posted by: Duane on January 17, 2006 3:33 PM

> Vote for Bush
A hollow voice says 'Cretin'.

Nicely done. If only small leaflets containing this post would be automatically inserted in every mailbox (north of house).

Posted by: Jough Dempsey on January 17, 2006 3:58 PM

puhleez give your collective heads a shake...

There's no stoppin' the cretins from hoppin'
You gotta keep it beatin'
For all the hoppin' cretins
Cretin! cretin!
I'm gonna go for a whirl with my cretin girl
My feet won't stop
Doin' the cretin hop
Cretin! cretin!
1-2-3-4
Cretins wanna hop some more
4-5-6-7
All good cretins go to heaven

Posted by: Stuck in Canuckistan on January 17, 2006 9:42 PM

Bravo! :-D Only I wish it had ended a bit differently:
>ENACT UNCONSTITUTIONAL LAWS THAT ERODE CIVIL LIBERTIES
Michael Moore invites you to dinner.

>HAVE DINNER WITH MICHAEL MOORE
You weren't informed that you are the main course. *burp*

Just a bit of wishful thinking!

Posted by: E on January 17, 2006 9:43 PM

In a strange coincidence, I had just been playing Colossal Cave Adventure online with my daughter when I read your post. (I know not this Zork whereof you speak: Apparently it was invented after my time, like, sometime after they first hooked up a monitor to a computer.)

What *I* want to know is, when is the threatening little dwarf going to show up? And when will Bush find himself at Witt's End?

Posted by: Carny Asada on January 17, 2006 10:20 PM

> GET WMD
I don't see that here!

> LEAVE IRAQ
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all the same.

> LEAVE IRAQ
You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same.

Floyd arrives. "Do you want to play?"

Posted by: Sandy on January 17, 2006 11:02 PM

Matthew - I thought you were brilliant when you did the CVS/McRib post, but you have surpassed yourself. I am ON THE FLOOR laughing my head off over here.
Brilliant gameplay.

Posted by: whfropera on January 18, 2006 2:50 AM

Parts were funny, like the pet seal thing, but this is the problem with the internet. 90% of the people who read this are NPR/daily kos/moveon.org types who think this is great/true AND all smart people agree (I read it in the NYT, it must be true, right?). Only an idiot would think we're doing the right thing in Iraq, and, while we're at it, abortion is good, ipso facto. Only some right-wing Halliburton troglodyte would disagree with this self evident truth, and then only to prop up the dictator Bush.
If you think everybody agrees with you, and you look at the election results, it must be weird. I had the same feeling during the Clinton administration. I remember thinking are the voters evil, or are they stupid? I think you, and most of your readers must feel the same way.

Posted by: Potroast on January 18, 2006 5:54 AM

potroast said: "90% of the people who read this are NPR/daily kos/moveon.org types..."

I appreciate that you've tried to make your point in a clear and (mostly) non-inflammatory manner, but I feel the need to point out that every NPR station has a different bent. I'll fully admit that some are rather radically left, but some are very balanced. If you find one NPR station that you don't like, try another. I loves me some NPR and I hate it hearing this stereotype repeated because it isn't always true.

Posted by: jakeline on January 18, 2006 7:30 AM

LOTFL!

I, for one, welcome our new intelligent, reality-based overlords. Oop, got into a bit of a wormhole thingy there for a moment. Sorry.

I bow down in the face of your superior style, grace, and wit, Mr. Yeti!

Now if I could just find my way out of the twisty passage I've been in since November 2000...

Posted by: Dr. Beads on January 18, 2006 8:27 AM

Very well done! I love that the first thing he tries is "Invade Iraq." This comes together so perfectly I'm actually now a little worried Infocom progammed the United States.

Posted by: J on January 18, 2006 8:55 AM

> SAY "YOU'RE DOING A HECK OF A JOB"
Who do you want to say it to?

> BROWNIE
You say "you're doing a heck of a job" to Brownie.

There is an uproar.

> IGNORE UPROAR
Not bloody likely.

> DISTRACT AMERICAN CITIZENS
Not bloody likely.

> SPY ON AMERICAN CITIZENS
You are carrying too many things.
War on Christmas dropped.
Jack Abramoff dropped.
North Korea dropped.

Posted by: emily on January 18, 2006 9:57 AM

"Dishonest lefty dipshits. Like Zawodny."

>Kill troll
What do you want to kill the troll with?

>axe
you swing the axe at the troll, but it hits the wall instead.

Posted by: on January 18, 2006 10:33 AM

Great Read.
Thinking back, those test adventures were an exercise in patience. I remember trying 50-100 things to solve some problems, such as opening a door.
Getting a four-line description of the next room was the reward. Amazing. Kind of like Burning Man: The failures are so frequent, the successes taste like honey.

Posted by: Rob Cockerham on January 18, 2006 11:00 AM

Excellent! I think the dumbing down of the United States (from the top down) is proceeding according to schedule!

>Continue to read book at elementary school
Wonder what language this book is printed in!
(you're told the Trade Center has been hit)
>Continue to read book looking concerned now (book is still upside down)
uh�

Posted by: BarryJamz on January 18, 2006 11:26 AM

My favorite game, ever! And the very first computer game I ever played.
On a "portable" computer my Dad would bring home from GA Tech. The thing weighed a ton, and after you flipped down the keyboard, there was a tiny screen (maybe 5x5?) next to the port where you pushed your telephone handset into the box!
Ahh.. for the halcyon days of our youth.. . Or something that's not George Bush's America, anyway.

Posted by: jon on January 18, 2006 2:51 PM

> ELECT BROTHER PRESIDENT

You can't do that yet. Your term is not over.

> STACK SUPREME COURT.

You stack the supreme court.

> HIDE UNTIL TERM OVER.

You hide.

Supreme Court stops recount in Iowa and your brother is elected President of the United States. Welcome to the next eight years.

Posted by: Bryan on January 18, 2006 3:00 PM

so funny and so sad at the same time

matthew baldwin, you are a brilliant man

have i told you lately how much i love you? i dont think i have, although i say it on my blog all the time

Posted by: carly on January 18, 2006 3:04 PM

Hey Jerry 2006.01.18 03:11,

I was just watching a rerun Saturday Night Live from the mid-90's the other day, and there was a sketch on about horrible (no joke) Osama bin Laden.

So let's see... the country knew about bin Laden, Clinton-admin anti-terrorism people were working on bin Laden, Clinton tried to bomb bin Laden... and GW Bush didn't know about bin Laden, didn't know he was a threat?

Which is worse, boinking an intern or conducting thousands of illegal wiretaps on innocent Americans? Are either worthy of impeachment?

Posted by: Jin on January 18, 2006 3:54 PM

Friggin' HI_LA_RI_OUS!

I played the original "Zork" in 1982, on a TRS-80 Model III while I worked at Radio Shack.

I was permanent Grue- Chow!

"Bar...bar..."

Posted by: Vince Daliessio on January 18, 2006 8:36 PM

Oh, the memories this brings back.... Where's the Pirate? Wandering around in the dark looking for batteries.... yup, I'm qualified to be President, too!

Posted by: Ahistoricality on January 18, 2006 9:29 PM

I spent many an hour playing Zork on a Kaypro CP/M machine that I still have out in my garage, AND it still works!

I never did solve the whole thing! But looks like Bush didn't either! That was a great read!

Posted by: Tuba Les on January 18, 2006 10:59 PM

We need more grass-roots Activision in this country.

If you like satirical adventure games, on my site there's a free game for Windows called "Ready" that I created a few years ago. All the graphics are made from the familiar bewildering diagrams of ready.gov.

Posted by: Cerulean on January 18, 2006 11:19 PM

Mr. Yeti:

I didn't find this post funny: I found it poignent. I think those people who are laughing fail to see this for what it is: a scathing idictment of the worst national leader we've seen in 60 years.

This would be very funny if it weren't so true.

Posted by: 3Thumbs on January 19, 2006 12:09 AM

The people who think this is other than a rather funny, clever spoof are rather sad. I mean, like thinking it is true, my gawd.

Missed these.

>FILL CLINTONS SHOES
with what ?

>LOOK UNDER DESK
you see an old shoe, three pieces of note paper,and a snazzy little blue number, apparently slightly marked.

Posted by: Ed Snack on January 19, 2006 12:25 AM

I agree with the previous poster:
It seems silly to me that "a scathing idictment" is met with a majority of responces referencing TV and movie shows, while some Fascist wingnut goes unchecked. Speaking of checked, I think GW just checked out all of our bank balances, tax returns and long distance phone calls !

Posted by: ifunky2 on January 19, 2006 12:32 AM

If you thing it looks bad from the eyes of a US citizen, think again: from Europe, it's Orwells 1984 Live, only about twenty years late.
The similarities are so mesmerizing that - from what little I can say about other peoples opinions - most of the world outside the US was left speachless when His Majesty The Cowboy Of The 21st Century was reelected for president and commander of the biggest military force in the world.
For those somehow missing the similarities between 1984. and today's USA, a couple of hints:
- what does the US Department of *Defense* mostly concern itself with the last couple of years?
- how have civil rights changed in the US in the last several years?
- what about fear? Is fear of the "enemies of the US" a noticable element of american life now?
- which station broadcasts the "Two Minutes of Hate"? CNN? ABC? Most of them? Two minutes per day or more?

...and so on.

Posted by: hefest on January 19, 2006 3:28 AM

Amazing how so many righties who don't want to own up to this are trying to dismiss it. Why can't they be eaten by a Grue?

Those of us who used to play those maddening text adventures appreciate this on multiple levels.

Posted by: Damian, the Left-Hand Player on January 19, 2006 6:37 AM

Excellent.

I did not know the Z-Code engine could handle prompted questions (such as the user typing "HALLIBURTON" as a response to the question caused by "GIVE CONTRACTS". I thought you had to retype "GIVE CONTRACTS TO HALLIBURTON".

But still, quite fun.

Posted by: Merle on January 19, 2006 8:09 AM

Brilliant. Someone on another forum suggested this addition:

> LEAVE IRAQ
You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same. You hear a rustling in the shadows...

Posted by: Jamie on January 19, 2006 8:42 AM

>liberate Iraq
"The Press reports you hate black people"

>remove Saddam
"The press reports you eat children"

>stop press
"The press reports you violated their civil rights"

>WHA?
"ACLU sues you for violating the right of the press to lie to the american people"

>explain point of view
"You cant hate black people with that"

Posted by: blah on January 19, 2006 10:07 AM

Had Gore been in office, the game would have gone something like this:

> TELL LIE
You tell the children about how Love Canal was about you and how the internet was your vision.

In the distance, terrorists attack the United States.

> SURRENDER
You surrender America to the terrorists.

> SCORE
0

> CUT AND RUN
Game Over

Posted by: None on January 19, 2006 11:07 AM

Yea verify, where *is* a grue when you need one? But I'll be linking to this post-haste. A couple more additions...

> START DRINKING AGAIN
You start drinking.
Nothing changes, but thingsh are a little blurryish.

> START SNORTING COKE AGAIN
You start snorting coke.
Nothing changes, but you don't care anymore.

Posted by: FARfetched on January 19, 2006 11:09 AM

That was a beautiful piece my friend. Funny as hell too.

That whole mid section was f**king beautiful!!!!
It's rare when one makes me laugh out loud like that!

Posted by: Tegan on January 19, 2006 12:33 PM

Hilarious! But yes, lacking a grue.

Also, the bit about contracts needs to be changed a bit - the parser was never that smart about context. Instead of:

> GIVE CONTRACTS
...
> HALLIBURTON
...
> NO-BID

It needs to be:

> GIVE CONTRACTS
...
> GIVE CONTRACTS TO HALLIBURTON
...
> GIVE NO-BID CONTRACTS TO HALLIBURTON

Posted by: Patrick Calahan on January 19, 2006 12:42 PM

Absolutely inspired! Holy shit, I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt now. The bit about go-left for elections is brilliant. Didn't think anyone else noticed. :/ Almost as funny is all the posters that know mudd, dungeon, adventure, etc... What a great crowd.

Best fishes to all!

Posted by: Frobozz on January 19, 2006 1:20 PM

>READ BOOK
>You can't read that!

>HOLD BOOK RIGHT WAY UP
>You read "My Pet Goat"

....

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I laughed till I cried, then couldn't explain to my non-MUDding workmates what I was reading that was so funny...

Posted by: nothingoth on January 19, 2006 1:30 PM

>IGNORE REALITY

>You happily give up your freedoms to fight the freedom-hating terrorists who will take away your freedoms. Who minds wiretaps if you have nothing to hide?

>DEFLECT TRUTH

>You make fun of Michael Moore. He's fat! Get it! Cause he weighs a lot!

Posted by: Adam on January 19, 2006 3:15 PM

>REGURGITATE MINDLESS PROTO-COMMIE TALKING POINTS

>You have regurgitated mindless proto-commie talking points.

>DRIVE HOME IN YOUR SUV

>You drive to your lilly-white, privileged home in your suv (aren't you ashamed?)

>SELL HALIBURTON STOCK

>You don't own any Haliburton stock, but you wish you did.

-------------------------------------------------

It was pretty funny though.

Posted by: RochesterWatch on January 19, 2006 5:06 PM

Yes, I literally Laughed Out Loud
Thank you.
Do you know my friend the Rosetta Yeti? He was named for a Japanese Magic: The Gathering card and we put out an EP in high school when I was known as the Liquid Ward

Posted by: chad WarMile on January 19, 2006 7:59 PM

Matthew, I just wanted to tell you that, even as we speak, my wife is ROFLHAO. This is brilliant stuff, my friend. But I hope you don't have to write a similar piece in four years for Jeb!

Posted by: Larry Levy on January 19, 2006 8:44 PM

Having been Grue stew many times, this is a real treat. Unfortunately, this will cause me to fire up the ol' z-machine and waste countless hours looking for my stolen belongings and trying to escape untimely ends.

Posted by: Hank on January 19, 2006 9:07 PM

Classic. Simply classic. 8-D

And now, a bipartisan addendum!

Left-wing:

> FUCK
Whom do you wish to fuck?

> AMERICA
You have now fucked America.

Right-wing:

> INTERN
You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes.

Posted by: Ferrous Buller on January 20, 2006 10:56 AM

For those posters who've said that the parser was never smart enough for one-word answers to questions, e.g.

>GIVE CONTRACTS
Whom do you wish to give the contracts to?

>Halliburton

...etc.

You're half right. The parser in the Zork trilogy wasn't that advanced, but later Infocom games such as Enchanter or Infidel had that capability.

Anyway - I'm no Yeti, but here's my concept of the Katrina chapter in the Interactive Affliction story...

>TAKE VACATION
You visit your ranch in Crawford for two weeks. You cheerfully pass the time cycling with Lance Armstrong, clearing brush, and wearing a cowboy hat.

Cindy Sheehan is here.

>Z
Time passes...
You take two more weeks at your Crawford ranch. It's so relaxing, you manage to ignore the racket a couple of miles down the road.

Some war protestors arrive.

Cindy Sheehan is here.
A group of protestors is here.

Time passes...

You enter your fifth week of vacation, eating some cowboy food. The weather in the Gulf Coast is getting fierce, but it doesn't concern you because the gulf in question isn't the Persian Gulf. Virtually everyone in New Orleans or in the weather industry predicts the breach of the levies in New Orleans.

An aide timidly suggests that you pay some attention to the Hurricate Katrina situation, then hurries away to update his resume.

>FIRE AIDE
Too late; he saw this coming.

>GO TO ARIZONA
Air Force One gets you safely and reliably to Arizona, amidst calm weather whilst Louisiana is battered by Hurricane Katrina.

>HELP SENIORS
Come on, be serious.

>PITCH MEDICARE
You carefully give the appearance of showing concern for senior citizens by pitching your Medicare plan in front of a group of hand-picked old people, the only kind of people with whom you dare appear.

The New Orleans levies break, flooding most of the city.

>GO TO SAN DIEGO
You go even further from the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast. Who could blame you for that, right?

Country singer Mark Wills is here. He is offering you a guitar.

>TAKE GUITAR
You accept the guitar, proving (as far as you're concerned) that you're in touch with heartland America.

The American public is wondering why the Federal Government hasn't done anything about the people. Jokes about you begin circulating on the Internet. Well, okay, jokes about you and THIS topic.

>MAKE PUBLIC APPEARANCE
You go on Good Morning America, with an opportunity to accept responsibility for your mistakes, faults, and inappropriate decisions which are beginning to send your approval rating into a tailspin.

>DENY REALITY
... or, you could just go with what you know. You claim that nobody anticipated the breach of the levies. Because you are the President, some people believe you. None of these people live in New Orleans.

Posted by: Woof on January 20, 2006 1:08 PM

What do you mean "this is not funny?" What about Bush is there to like? He's an arrogant, ignorant, incompetant extremist. His ass needs to be impeached, along with Dick(head). I wish this was all a bad dream, but alas, it is not.

Anyway, good job, very funny.

Posted by: Scott on January 20, 2006 5:21 PM

Pretty funny, but unfortunately I have to send a hit crew to kill you. I can't have people treding on my good name (cough) .

regards,

George W. Bush

Posted by: George W. Bush on January 20, 2006 8:55 PM

Finally, I find a clever joke from the disillusioned left. I have to admit, I support our President, and am not infatuated with Clinton as the author seems to be (the left just can't let him go) but I did find it humorous. Keep up the humor and maybe the left isn't all but lost as a positive force in society. Maybe Hillary will be the next President and maybe Bill will get another intern for our amusement all over again. :-)

Posted by: Thom on January 21, 2006 6:39 AM

Thom:

Of course the left is witty and clever. Think about it. You can count the rightwing people in creative pursuits on two hands -- on one, if you count only those with talent.

Posted by: Anne on January 21, 2006 7:18 AM

Yeti, just to clarify. The person who signed as Your Mom is not really your mother. I am. And shame on them for not being honest. Nobody else gets to claim the honor of being your mother except me.

Posted by: Love, Mom on January 21, 2006 8:45 AM

P.S. Just for future reference, if I think you suck or anything else negative, I will tell you to your face. Not cowardly through some comments on a blog!

Posted by: Love, Mom on January 21, 2006 9:09 AM

yall might want ot listen to to the smart sounding guy up there. Macolm X once said "the only reason that the white establishment deals with martion lurther king jr. is that way the don't have to deal with me". I have a lot more guns than Malcom

Posted by: ryan on January 21, 2006 10:26 AM

Note to Thom: The LEFT Can't seem to let clinton go? Look at some fo the comments from people bitter about thsi post -- they try to throw Clinton's name into things and pass responsibility.

At any rate, Matt? This was Yeti's best post, dude... You ought to print this thing out for the Squirelly to read and never understand in the future. "You actually had games based only on text? How the hell did you survive?"

Posted by: John F on January 21, 2006 1:17 PM

Dude, I am at WORK. People kept looking at me askance as I laughed my ass off. This is the first post of yours I've had the privilege of reading, so I'm heading off to the archives now!

Posted by: Lisa C. on January 21, 2006 3:14 PM

i was led here by someone confessing to loving someone she'd never met, and now, i fear i may have to kill her so i can have you for myself...
walk good.

Posted by: sweet trini on January 21, 2006 3:27 PM

Democrats can play too! Read on...

Bush elected president.

> CONTEST ELECTION
Election contested. You still lost.

> CONTEST ELECTION
You demand a recount to capture the undervotes in only a few select heavily Democratic counties.

Recount taken. You still lost.

> CONTEST ELECTION
The case makes it all the way to the Supreme Court. The Supremes rule almost unanimously (7-2) that its absurd for you to cherry pick the recount counties. You still lost.

Bush inherits recession from predecessor's overtaxing and overregulating economic policies. Bush enacts needed tax cuts to jumpstart economy out of recession.

> CRITICIZE BUSH
You scream about tax cuts that will only help the rich.

Bush tax cuts result in one of the shortest duration recessions in our history.

> CRITICIZE BUSH
You demand to know where the jobs are.

Bush's tax cuts result in several sustained quarters of significant job creation, along with welcome advances in just about every economic indicator there is, all this despite a national tragedy, recession, and war.

Sept. 11 happens.

> STOP CRITICIZING BUSH
You go silent for about 15 seconds.

Bush finally decides to confront one of history's most brutal and aggressive dictators, knowing that we can no longer ignore his documented support of international terrorism and his repeated pursuit and use of WMD.

> CRITICIZE BUSH
You scream that Bush fixation about Iraq is distracting him from Al Qaeda.

The Mainstream Media splashes about Bush's aggressive approach to Al Qaeda, including imprisonment of Al Qaeda abroad and thorough hunt for Al Qaeda at home.

> CRITICIZE BUSH
You demand his impeachment.

Throughout the Iraq crisis, Bush chooses to ignore a docile, corrupt and increasingly-irrelevant European continent.

> CRITICIZE BUSH
You scream about Bush's go-it-alone strategy.

Iran reveals itself as an increasing threat that must be confronted. Bush lets the Europeans take the lead on this one.

> CRITICIZE BUSH
You scream about outsourcing our foreign policy and demand immediate, unilateral action.

> CRITICIZE BUSH
A weary American public tired of the party of "No", which they perceive as bereft of constructive ideas, soft on terrorism, wishy washy on everything, guilty of treason, and engaged in politically motivated character assassination, hands the GOP a super majority of seats in the House and Senate.

For the next two years, Bush is absolutely unstoppable. You lose.

Posted by: Z on January 21, 2006 3:28 PM

Hey Z,

do you mind to do the perspective of a typical iraqi, too?

you are a sunni living close to bagdad. its summer 2001. saddam husseins reigns iraq. united nations sanctions make it hard to buy drugs, food and everything technical. this has to come to an end soon. what will you do next?

> SEARCH WMD

found none.

still none.
sep 11 occurs. some crazy guys from saudi arabia, morocco, egypt and other countries are hijacking aeroplanes and crash them into the twin towers and the pentagon.
bush alleges iraqi dictator saddam hussein to be responsible for everything bad in the world, since he's part of the 'axis of evil'.
usama bin ladin turns out to be the mad man behind 9/11. your children suffer, lacking food. what will you do next?

> BUY DRUGS AND FOOD

not available

> BUY FOOD

yer not a related of mr. hussein

> BUY DRUGS

yer still not mr. husseins related
george w. bush wants to find wmd in iraq.
saddam hussein is re-elected as president 'florida style'. one of your three children dies of starving. what will you do next?

[to be continued]

Posted by: Slafing on January 21, 2006 6:02 PM

You don't have to hate Bush to find this funny -- or to admire the amount of thought that went into writing it. As usual, your cleverness amazes me, Matthew! (FWIW, the most priceless parts for me were the repeated attempts to INVADE IRAQ. :)

Posted by: Lori on January 21, 2006 8:12 PM

I voted for Bush; twice. I am a Republican. I thought Matthew's post was funny as hell.

For those of you that are interested, these "text games" are still being made by a small internet community. They are on par with (and at times, exceed) the original ones created in the 80's.

See http://baf.wurb.com/if/ for more info.

Posted by: An American on January 22, 2006 6:36 AM

Clever, and nicely done. I especially liked the "...is here." bits for the various LEFT / RIGHT actions. And the return to center for elections - nice touch.

Posted by: Radioactive Jam on January 22, 2006 6:57 AM

I passed this around to some guys in the office and heard laughter for the next 15 minutes. They educated me on the "Zork, Zorb" (whatever it's called) game that was played on the Com 64. That was before my computer geekness emerged. But anyway, great post. Funnier than hell if you consider hell a funny place like I do.

Love your site!

Posted by: CrazyForHer on January 22, 2006 4:07 PM

Oh man, I used to play Adventure on all kinds of machines (never a Commodore 64, though). This was absolutely brilliant. I know you missed a few classic Adventure events such as PLUGH and an oil field the size of a plover's egg and some twisty passages, but so what? You hit all the low points (because there aren't any high points) in the Bush Regime. Extremely well done and thank you!

PS that entry from "Z" on January 21st at 3:28 PM with the so-not-funny-it's-unintentionally-funny parody from the right was one of yours too, no? I mean, no one is that tone deaf, are they? I mean, no one except W.

Posted by: Maddi on January 22, 2006 11:44 PM

Umm, Z - as far as I can tell, I'm part of the American public, and I don't share the views you depict. In fact, I wouldn't be anywhere NEAR as angry at Bush and the toadies he surrounds himself with if (and this is my biggest thorn, but by no means the only one) he'd gone after the man who DID murder three thousand Americans instead of a guy who wants to but didn't.

Posted by: Woof on January 23, 2006 5:29 AM

> EAT PRETZEL.
I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

(moving on in that vein....)

> RIDE SEGWAY.
You fall off the Segway.

> CARRY DOG.
You drop the dog on the ground.

> VISIT LETTERMAN.
You're caught cleaning your glasses on a "Late Show" staff member's pashmina during a commercial break.

> VISIT CHINA.
You make a stirring speech.

> LEAVE CHINA.
You can't get the door open.

Posted by: dadoctah on January 23, 2006 10:15 AM

I guess you all need something to talk about since you can't come to grips with the fact that you LOST THE ELECTION. Democrat = Bitter!

C'mon, try to remember that sick feeling you had when they announced Kerry (and his idiotic and very psycho wife) as the LOSER(s)!

Posted by: Tin on January 23, 2006 11:52 AM

The first time I saw the SCORE command I figured there would be some response about an intern...

Then I realized that is only if it were about a Democrat.

Posted by: How Funny on January 23, 2006 12:06 PM

Why is it that the republicans on this board are more bitter than the democrats? They own the country right now (Exec, Legislative and Judicial branches), have an opposition that just rolls over for just about everything and a media that couldn't find their ass with two hands and a flashlight. Is this sore-winner syndrome?

Further, Z, read your history. I don't think democrats are perfect by any stretch, and I could list a ton of things they've done wrong just like the repubs have. Politics is slimey. But note that the Republicans, instead of simply alllowing a state-wide recount (did they know they would lose?), forced a fight in each and every county. Did the Democrats only choose to fight where they thought they would pick up votes? Yes. Duh. Democracy in America died the day the Republicans refused to allow every vote to count...out of fear of fraud, out of fear of deceipt and out of fear that they'd lose.

Posted by: Nate on January 23, 2006 1:44 PM

Absolutely sweet!

Let the critics and trolls wallow in their maze of twisty passages all alike. As we all know, whining about the mazes won't get you out :-)

Absolutely inspired!

Posted by: curious on January 23, 2006 2:07 PM

I must say, Z's comments share a remarkable resemblance to standard republican propaganda. How unfortunate that he couldn't be more clever than a lucasarts game.

Posted by: Tom on January 23, 2006 5:41 PM

Yaanu. there is no actual game for this, in Flash or otherwise. However, there are tools available free on the web to *make* one, for someone with enough free time. Do a web search on Interactive Fiction.

Tin - this isn't about Democrats simply being bitter. I'm an independent, and yes, I WAS pissed when Bush got reelected. It's not because he's the opposition party, because there IS no party opposed to an independent - it's about having slogged through four years of a presidency which is hard to decide if it is more corrupt or more incompetent, and then seeing that we have to put up with four *more* years of it. Unless, of course, the American public comes to its collective senses and the agenda-bearing retard in the Oval Office gets impeached.

If you want a list of things that Bush has done poorly, I can provide you with one. It far outweighs what he's done well. But as long as there are people who treat politics like their religion - and people on both sides do this - then we will continue to see the indefensible being defended, and morons in office (again, on both sides) will have a scrap of leverage they can use to *stay* in office, continuing to do damage to our country and to the rest of the world.

Posted by: Woof on January 24, 2006 5:37 AM

Now, in the style of Moonmist...

...
Start, Restore, Quit?

>START

"Welcome to Defective Yeti! You are about to enter the Iraqi Misadventure Text Page. Which political orientation do you most favor: (d/r?)"

"Ah, I see you are of the Democratic side of the spectrum! Very well, very well, move on!"

>READ BLOG

It is a hilarious, biting critique of the incompetencies of the Bush administration, recast in the nostalgic style of the old Zork-type text adventure games.

>LAUGH OUT LOUD

You are very amused!

>LEAVE COMMENT

What kind of comment do you want to leave?

>LOL, WELL DONE, VERY FUNNY, YOU DA MAN

You compliment the author.

>READ COMMENTS

Many of the comments are the same as yours. However, there appear to be a number of fulminating flamers who have missed the point.

>REFUTE COMMENTS

Which comments do you want to refute, the complimentary comments or the flaming comments?

>FLAME

You refute the flaming comments.

The tone of the conversation has deteriorated.

>QUIT

Your mood ruined, you leave the game.

"Ah, I see you are of the Republican side of the spectrum! Very well, very well, move on!"

You read the blog. It seems to be full of hypocritical, neo-liberalist drivel.

You are getting very angry.

>MISS POINT

Missed.

You leave a withering comment.

Several other posters leave refutory replies. The tone of the conversation deteriorates.

>CALL NAMES

What sorts of names do you want to call?

>COMMIE, PINKO, WHINER, TRAITOR, UN-AMERICAN

You have vented your vitriol.

The tone of the conversation continues to deteriorate.

Good riddance!

Posted by: mikkeneko on January 24, 2006 4:40 PM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: poo-on-stick on January 24, 2006 5:27 PM

"> WEAR FLIGHTSUIT
You put on the flightsuit.

> SAY "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"
"Mission accomplished."

> EXAMINE MISSION
The mission is not accomplished."

That and the ending are my favorite parts XDDDD You're a very talented person.

Posted by: Crystal on January 24, 2006 8:10 PM

Laugh out loud funny--and disturbing at the same time. Historically, tyrants and dictators have trembled at satire and parody; if I may quote from the Screwtape Letters, "The Devil, that Prideful Spirit...cannot bear to be mocked." You're in great company, Matthew.

But you could've used a couple more bits. Especially since it definately needs a grue so here you go:

>ADD GRUE
What do you want to add a grue to?
>SATIRE
Grue added.

Enjoy!
Sunder

********************

> EXAMINE DESK
It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers. There is a report stamped URGENT and titled, "New Data on Terrorism Threat Posed by Al-Qada" here.

Behind the desk is a chair. In the chair is a lapdog.

In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

> PET LAPDOG
Condoleeza Rice is not that type of lapdog. But she does agree with you.

>GIVE REPORT TO RICE
Given.

Rice says, "This report is by Clinton. I'll read it sometime in October 2001."

> INVADE IRAQ
You are not able to do that, yet.

> GO RIGHT
Radical Right
Rick Santorum is here.
Ann Coulter is here.

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a large number of insurgents here.

> TOUR COUNTRY
What country do you want to tour?

> AMERICA
You tour America. There are some American citizens holding up signs here.

> AVOID CITIZENS
To avoid the citizens, you will have to stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

> AVOID CITIZENS
Citizens avoided.

>TOUR AMERICA
You tour America. There are some American citizens requesting a town hall meeting here.

>SCREEN CITIZENS
What do you want to screen the citizens for?

>UNCOMFORTABLE FACTS
If you screen out the citizens with uncomfortable facts, you will stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

>SCREEN CITIZENS
Citizens with facts that you would find uncomfortable have been screened out. You enjoy your town hall meeting.

>TOUR AMERICA
You tour America. There are some flag-draped coffins here.

>AVOID COFFINS
If you avoid the coffins, you will stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

>AVOID COFFINS
You avoid the coffins. There is a grue here. It sees you and runs away screaming.

Posted by: Sunder on January 24, 2006 8:24 PM

Man, that was singularly funny. Truly inspired. I definetly enjoyed the post.

Some of those comments are just silly, though. Specifically the Neo-con types who are trolling this post for a reason that is absolutely beyond me. Certainly they must know that they're not going to win anyone over to their side by posting what they did. Which leaves one option: they're being obnoxious.

I'm excluding the well-spoken dissent from this.

Also-I listen to NPR, too, and I'm sorry, sometimes they're just as blind as others. I love 'em to death, but sometimes...gah! Anyway, Thanks for the giggle, mate. I appreciated it thoroughly.

I would like to also slot in my surprise at the lack of Grue, but it was wonderful either way.

Cheers!

Posted by: Rev on January 25, 2006 12:46 AM

Bush had an excellent reason for continuing to read to the kids seven minutes after learning of terrorist attacks: he had pledged in his campaign not to leave the children behind.

Posted by: Kevin L. Mahoney on January 25, 2006 1:14 AM

I think the people who are missing the grues are also missing an important point.

>PICK UP POINT
Which point do you want to pick up?

>IMPORTANT POINT
You pick up on the fact that GWB has an unlimited supply of grue repellent, no doubt manufactured by Halliburton. The lack of grues becomes clear.

BTW, someone was working on a flash version of Hitchhiker's Guide maybe a year ago.

Posted by: Hello, Sailor on January 25, 2006 5:05 AM

If the question was whether any of the original Infocom classics were available in Flash, I misunderstood; I posted that the Iraqi Misadventure (the subject of this brilliant post) was not available. But yes, the original Zork trilogy can be played online in a Java-enabled browser, as can the original Hitchhiker's game. Sorry, I don't have links for either, and the 'net filters at work won't let me look them up... but if you search for Zork Java, you're likely to find the one, and I think Hitchhiker's is available via Douglas Adams's site.

Anyway - if I haven't said it before - brilliant post. Loved it. :)

Posted by: Woof on January 25, 2006 11:49 AM

This was fantastic! The one I was waiting for was

"Run Government"
You have neither the tools nor the expertise. That would have made it perfect for me.

Posted by: Gorobei on January 25, 2006 6:29 PM

Thank you.

Trolls: as a Democrat, I am not wholly upset that President Bush was elected in 2004. He crapped in the bed, so he should have to lie in it. It's his budget, his non-growing stock market, his quagmire in Iraq, his Medicare Plan D, his Hurricane Katrina response, his FEMA, his illegal spying program. He failed to privatize Social Security last year and he's going to fail to privatize health care this year.

Bush the Incompetent is instructive. What has Bush done competently?

Posted by: Dan Lewis on January 25, 2006 6:30 PM

Y'know, I get really sick and tired of hearing people say that Gore claimed he invented the internet. It's so easy to change one or two words in a quote when the original quote isn't crazy enough to suit your opinion of somebody you dislike.

Catches phrases sure run this country. It'd be nice if people would take the time to check out the FULL story.

http://www.issues2000.org/askme/internet.htm

Oh, and yeah, the Iraqi invasion text adventure was classic. ;) Bush really has "stayed the course." Good for him!

Posted by: Radien on January 26, 2006 12:02 AM

Kudos to the author.

Kudos to Woof, for pointing out the idiocies of tin.
I get really bitter when people point out the bitterness of others when they themselves are more bitter than the people they are claiming to be bitter.

That, and his brain is two sizes too small.

See, now I'm bitter

Posted by: Triskle on January 26, 2006 3:53 AM

Wonderful! Sometimes I feel so dishartened by everything I see on TV and read in the papers. It dose a body good to see that I'm not alone. I hope to see you all in a Bush free feature!

-Veritas

Posted by: Veritas on January 26, 2006 5:21 AM

HAHAHA. I'm funny and post on the internet about how big an idiot that 'Bush' is. hahaha funny funny person yay.

> POST ON THE INTERNET
You are not able to do that with those limp wrists of yours.

Posted by: on January 26, 2006 9:10 PM

> EXTRADITE BIN LADEN
You do not have an Extradition warrant. You must first make a formal request to the government of Afghanistan. The process can take 3 months to complete.

> INVADE AFGHANISTAN
Afghanistan
You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

Posted by: Gezza on January 27, 2006 4:56 AM

"as a Democrat, I ... He crapped in the bed, so he should have to lie in it. It's his budget, his non-growing stock market, his quagmire in Iraq"

These three comments show you really have open eyes and an true sense of understanding. Oh that's right ... democrats don't have that. Not that republicans have much better tho.

All this ... just another example of wasted bandwidth!

Posted by: Bleh on January 27, 2006 6:23 PM

Well done!

FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it's been made (legally) available for free download. There's a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there's a community of interactive fiction out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

Posted by: Thrax on January 28, 2006 9:34 PM

Dead solid perfect! Look forward to Katrina Disaster Disaster, Social Security Crisis Crisis, and Warrantless Spying Misadventure. Meanwhile, I'd add this exchange to Iraq Misadventure:

> TAKE ROAD TRIP

You vacation on Crawford ranch for another month. Situation in Iraq deteriorates.

> CLEAR BRUSH

You clear brush.

There isn't any more brush on your ranch.

Cindy Sheehan arrives outside the compound.

> DUCK AND COVER

There's no brush to cover you. And, why a duck?

> FLY TO D.C. AND SIGN BILL TO SAVE TERI SCHIAVO

You return to the White House and sign Schiavo bill. Courts continue to rule that she has no hope of recovery, and allow her feeding tube to be removed.

> ATTACK GAY MARRIAGE

Which one?

Posted by: Man MKE on January 30, 2006 7:18 PM

FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it's been made (legally) available for free download. There's a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there's a community of interactive fiction authors out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

Posted by: Thrax on February 1, 2006 9:10 PM

Thanks, Thrax, for posting that link. Like I said above - I'm not in a position to dig it up myself. :)

Let me post a slightly less smarmy and (hopefully) slightly more effective reply to David.

First - Bush is not really the "leader of the free world," as you depict him. The rest of the free world didn't elect him, and had no say in his obtaining the position he has; Bush therefore has no legal or moral right to determine the fate of anyone who isn't a U.S. citizen. Not one single Englishman, for example - let alone the scores of thousands of Iraqis who've died since Bush *unlawfully* invaded their country, or even the remaining citizens, like the ones in Baghdad, more than half of whom still don't have electricity for more than 8 hours a day (www.factcheck.org).

The other point that bears mentioning - you appear to feel that, because Bush is the president, somehow he automatically deserves respect, perhaps even approval. This is fallacious. Just being the leader of the country doesn't make you a capable person or a respectable one. There was a fellow named Adolf Hitler who was the leader of Germany until sometime in the 1940's; he practiced genocide, killing thousands upon thousands of innocents because they weren't members of "the master race." He was a horrible man, yet he was in charge of a significant world power, not because he had good motivations, but because he had charisma sufficient to obtain and retain positions of leadership.

Understand, I'm not equating Bush with Hitler - at least, not in this post - but I'm just making the point that having the position doesn't automatically mean you SHOULD have it, or that you're in any way qualified for it.

Posted by: Woof on February 2, 2006 7:34 AM

Hey it easy to be mean , but I trust Bush . It is better than the unresposable stupidity of Carter's support for Hamas expecting they will love us some day, when they would have our heads in a platter if they could.

Posted by: Arie Lasky on February 3, 2006 9:06 AM

INVADE IRAQ
The Democraps say we will lose.

INVADE IRAQ
The Democraps say we can't beat Saddams army.

INVADE IRAQ
You have to get permission from the United Nations first.

INVADE IRAQ
The French don't want us to.

INVADE IRAQ
You invade, destroy the enemy and find Saddam hiding like a roach in a hole.

HOLD ELECTIONS
For the first time in decades the Iraqi people were allowed to vote. Millions of Iraqis around the world stained their finger purple in order to exercise their U.S. given right to choose their leader.

STAY COURSE
Even though some people voted for the liberation before they voted against the liberation after they voted for the liberation, President Bush stays the course.

IS THIS RIGHT?
That depends on what your defination of is is.

Posted by: NiteClerk on February 3, 2006 1:54 PM