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Slacker Suggestions Sought

Yes, it's that most magical time of the year: time to send me links to the stupidest crap available for purchase on the Internet, for inclusion in my annual "Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers." Please post in the comments of this thread, or send to matthew@defectiveyeti.

Previous Slacker's Guides: 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002.

Posted on December 18, 2006 to dy



Quite possibly the finest site for meat- and Jesus-related paraphenalia ever.

What happened to the Moby Dick updates? I was on the edge of my seat, then suddenly...nothing. And don't blame your slacktastic tendencies on the weather. I'm sure you could've found a flashlight SOMEWHERE and I KNOW you're literate.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' on December 19, 2006 10:11 AM

Feh! You call that a blackout? We were without power for 12 whole days last year :)

Posted by: Mike on December 19, 2006 10:32 AM

Hi-tech metal alloy used in aerospace engineering and Frank Gehry buildings + two-in-one elementary school cafeteria utensil designed to prevent deep fork fight wounds = the Titanium Spork. Go camping without it and risk severe unpreparedness. Handy hole in handle means you can wear it around your neck (as I do).


Posted by: Jeremy on December 19, 2006 11:30 AM

I think this is always a perfect gift for that special someone on your list:


It just screams "I care about your hygiene". And really, what is more loving than that?

Posted by: trinamick on December 19, 2006 11:36 AM

You know you want one.


Posted by: Melissa on December 19, 2006 1:04 PM


Staying on the dog theme this site offers replacement testicles for all the Scruffy's that have been neutered. Be sure to see the 'Sizing Chart and Pricing Guide'. I can think of a few men who could use them too.

Posted by: waterloo.bob on December 19, 2006 1:15 PM

Trinamick got me thinking about poop and reminded me of this: http://mooseville.com/product.htm?product_id=newpoopingmoose

instead of giving cash or a gift card, give them something memorable - a giant check
I like the small-print explaination text there: "Are these checks actually cashable? Will the bank really honor them? Yes. Unless you use non-real numbers in the account and routing fields (e.g. 123456), or unless your bank manager / president is just a stink-butt."

Posted by: Robert on December 19, 2006 1:26 PM

FOX news? You link us to FOX news?

I feel so dirty, just for clicking......

Posted by: Anonymous on December 19, 2006 1:55 PM

I can see it now...
- Wow, thanks, I've always wanted one of these!
Oh, wait, I think it's broken, it looks like it's listing "approximately two degrees toward the south."
Does it come with a gift receipt?


Posted by: Robert on December 19, 2006 1:57 PM

Hmmm. What gift will FOR SURE be useful? Bananas of course

Posted by: Lindy Lou on December 19, 2006 2:38 PM

Stupid stuff and a slackers survival guide?

There is only one answer: Worlds of Warcraft software.

The game that drops slackers out of society in total (and for those productive members of society who play -- I ask how your social lives are :p ) by letting them waste hour upon hour, day upon day, playing within this virtual (and pointless) realm...


Posted by: John F on December 19, 2006 2:56 PM

Ever have an unidentified song stuck in your head? Never again, with Humming Search...simply Hum a few bars of that song and poof....Humming Search identifies it for you.


Does this mean the end to Humming Birds? (insert menacing music here)

Posted by: Ryan on December 19, 2006 2:57 PM

"Survival Guide" just seemed to fit:

In case of alien abduction these dog tags may save
your life. The crucial data an alien will need to get you back to Earth is die stamped into these dog tags.


Posted by: James on December 19, 2006 3:02 PM

Maybe it's not fitting for a 'survival' guide...

The 10 Most Dangerous Toys of All Time

And by the way...Sweet jeebus McKenzie! Hope you Seattlians get a break soon...

Posted by: lani on December 19, 2006 3:22 PM

I can't believe that people actually took the time to write reviews of bananas on the Amazon website. Now I guess I will have to get one for the Yeti for Christmas!

Posted by: Yeti mom on December 20, 2006 12:03 AM

I posted some really bad products on this page. "The Daddle" is probably the worst.


and oh yeah, I didn't mention the freedom blanket, which I had already made fun of too much (freedomblanket.com)

Posted by: benny on December 20, 2006 7:47 AM

Never been stupider! Barbie Doll with a pooping dog.

Posted by: Your Sis on December 20, 2006 9:51 AM

I actually think these Monty Python Killer Bunny Slippers are kind of cool, but I felt like posting them on your slacker guide anyway. Then there's Smittens, the mittens designed for the most irritatingly codependent couple on your gift list. You'll be nauseated, they'll be delighted. Bonus: ability to create new Yuletide Tradition, "Christmas Red Rover". The anatomically correct Gummy Heart is a sure winner for your own sweetheart; not at all creepy. And lastly, you can now purchase the laziest meat by-product, Spam, via the laziest consumer method, online. Merry Whatever!

Posted by: Virginia on December 20, 2006 10:00 AM

I have 6 words for you:
"miraculous quesadilla with panda bear image"


Enough said.

Posted by: Beckto on December 20, 2006 10:47 AM

Mr. T in Your Pocket!!!! A talking keychain, and I certainly feel quite sorry for the idiot who doesn't have one.


Posted by: Matt on December 20, 2006 11:44 AM

I'm going with a classic, Ron Popeil's Pocket Fisherman . It conveniently "Fits into Your Glove Compartment" or "Attaches to Your Belt." Plus, for a limited time only you can get two for the price of one! Love the motto: "It's always ready for the fish to strike."


Posted by: la peregrina on December 20, 2006 5:51 PM

The perfect gift for the complete slacker-who owns a dog.

GoDogGo! The Automatic Fetch Machine, complete with remote control--

Posted by: the lorax on December 21, 2006 9:51 AM

The only thing stupid about the Whiz is that there aren't distributing agents in the USA. I still want one in my stocking, though. I wonder if it would get through customs in one piece....

Posted by: Alkelda on December 22, 2006 10:14 AM