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Captain America: A Retrospective
Notable events from a fallen hero's career:
Early 1940's: Fought Nazis.
1945-1960: Frozen in block of ice
1963: Assembled team of metahumans to fight threats too large for any single superhero to handle alone.
1964: Changed name of superhero team from "Jethro Tull" to "The Avengers" after trademark dispute.
1967: Deterred Galactus by telling him about delicious planet called Krypton.
1969: Teamed up with Sub-Mariner, Fantastic Four, and X-Men to buy some schwag, crash Woodstock.
1970-1973: Temporarily relocated after being drafted for the Vietnam War; renamed self "Corporal Canada."
1978: Brought "stagflation" under control by sharply increasing interest rates to reduce money supply.
1981: Ended Iranian Hostage Crisis and secured the release of 52 Americans with the help of delicious Hostess fruit pies.
1983: Admitting to drinking "a few wine coolers" prior to Quinjet / Challenger collision.
1992: Pardoned by Bush for his role in the Skrull-Contra Affair.
1995: Finished Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island without using a walkthrough.
1997: Hooked Clinton up with some She-Hulk action.
1999: Founded Metafilter.
2000: Awarded Congressional Medal of Honor for tracking down and killing "The Baha Men" after release of Who Let The Dogs Out?
2003: Located and removed all weapons of mass destruction from Iraq before invasion. Meant to tell President, but forgot.
2006: Won Tour de France (later disqualified after testing positive for super-soldier serum).
Throughout his career: Adhered to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy by keeping his relationship with The Punisher on the down-low.Posted on March 23, 2007 to Humor