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Seattle Follies

Last Friday I got email from my friend Phyllis Fletcher:

To: Matthew
From: Phyllis
Subject: Help--need jokes!!

I will represent KUOW at Town Hall's Seattle Follies, Thu April 26, 7:30PM. Send me some jokes!

Phyllis
 
 

* * *

 
 
To: Phyllis
From: Matthew
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

How many Seattlites does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to propose replacing it with a traditional light bulb, one to propose replacing it with a energy-efficient fluorescent bulb, one to propose replacing it with a single candle in protest of the Iraq war, and 100,000 to vote on a non-binding referendum.

Matthew
 
 

* * *

 
 
To: Matthew
From: Phyllis
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!

Hahaha. But I will be delivering a fake newscast, so what I really need are jokey/satirical news items.

Phyllis
 
 

* * *

 
 
To: Phyllis
From: Matthew
Subject: Re: Help--need jokes!!


The Seattle City Council voted unanimously today to reappropriate the $4 billion currently earmarked for the 520 floating bridge replacement project. The funds will now be given to the research department of Blue Origin, to be used for the development of jetpacks and hoverboards. Richard Conlin, chairman of the council's state Route 520 committee, defended the decision, pointing out that the creation of such alternative commuter technology for crossing Lake Washington would likely require less time and prove more feasible than finding a 520 plan everyone can agree on.

Meanwhile, the Seattle chapter of NORML unveiled another 520 replacement proposal last Friday at the Hempfest benefit concert: the 420 floating bridge. The six-lane "high-way" would have a speed limit of 7 miles an hour and just kind of meander around aimlessly, without any real direction.


-----


In a recent memo to employees, CEO Howard Schultz said that Starbucks had "lost its soul". Schultz last remembers having the soul while visiting one of the Seattle-area coffeeshops, but is unable to recall which one; Starbucks personnel are currently searching the 850,000 downtown Starbucks outlets, an operation they expect to conclude by 2019. In the meantime, Starbucks patrons are asked to be on the lookout for nutty and aromatic soul with overtones of cocoa and a pleasingly complex aftertaste.


-----


After weeks of searching, The Bush Administration has finally found a candidate for the newly created position of War Czar. General Alexander Mullen accepted the offer earlier this morning, and immediately performed his one and only duty: accepted full responsibility for the bungled efforts in Iraq and offered his resignation. To the surprise of Rove, Cheney, and the others who had engineered the plan, Bush unexpectedly rejected Mullen's resignation, and vowed to resist all calls to let the General go. "The Mullman has been doing a heck of a job in his three hours of Czaring," the president said at an early afternoon press conference, "he's a good American, and I stand by him." Mullen--who was hastily given a cubicle, desk, and computer--is expected to play minesweeper until the troop pullout begins in January of 2009.


Matthew

Update: I just sent this as well:
Scott McClellan announced yesterday that he is writing a memoir, to be published next spring. In the book--which covers the former press secretary's childhood, entry into politics, and prominent position in the Bush Administration--McClellan will insist that he already addressed these topics in earlier statements, refuse to answer hypotheticals, and reiterate his longstanding policy of not commenting on his life while it is currently in progress.
Can't really take credit for that one, pretty much wrote itself.

Posted on April 25, 2007 to News, Seattle





Comments

Totally swamped by work and you're still able to knock out five hilarious posts? You need to pace yourself!

Posted by: Duane on April 25, 2007 9:29 AM

hilarious - esp. the meandering "420 'high-way'"

Thanks so much!

Posted by: ~A on April 25, 2007 10:02 AM

I was totally having a crappy morning and this totally made me almost pee my pants. Totally.

Thanks!

Posted by: WalterBean on April 25, 2007 10:02 AM

Wait, so that 520 post is a joke? Are you sure?

(T-minus 9 hours before I get to sit on 520 for much too long)

Posted by: Louis on April 25, 2007 10:12 AM

too swamped to post, my ass. these are hilarious bits. think the family would want to move to NYC? i think the daily show could use you. (WAIT -- DON'T YOU DARE MOVE TO NYC.)

Posted by: lu on April 25, 2007 12:26 PM

I must admit, for a guy who is "In the Weeds" you are still churning out the great stuff.

You have been tagged for a thinking blogger's award as a blogger who makes me think every time I read him...

Posted by: disappearingjohn on April 25, 2007 1:50 PM

Love/Hate: Loved this post. Hate you for getting "In the Waiting Line" stuck in my head when I'm at least six hours from getting back to my CDs.

Posted by: Aaron on April 25, 2007 2:13 PM

I would have NO newscasts for Seattle Follies if not for Matthew's talents and generosity.

I hope I do them justice onstage! Your material has given me confidence. If I bomb, I have only myself to blame. Town Hall audiences are incredibly charitable and friendly, though. Hopefully the worst that will happen is sympathy laughter.

Thank you, o great one!

Posted by: Phyllis on April 25, 2007 3:09 PM

Matthew, be careful or SNL will see this and you will be whisked off to NYC to write for Weekend Update. And make a bunch of money.

Posted by: Davey on April 25, 2007 7:41 PM

"lost it's soul"?

Sorry - You are not allowed on the Internet

(http://www.defectiveyeti.com/iacaptchas/)

Posted by: Richard on April 26, 2007 5:54 AM

There are only 850,000 Starbucks locations in downtown Seattle? That's so sad.

They've managed to creat a Starbucks Lane here in T.O. Nothing but the souless chain as far as the eye can see.

Posted by: Kelly on April 26, 2007 7:08 AM

Excellent! The war czar one is hilarious!

Posted by: Humbug on April 26, 2007 10:11 AM

Matthew! You KILLED tonight! I wish you could have been there to see it for yourself. When the video makes it to the Seattle Channel website you should be able to find it here. John Carlson reads the credit I wrote for you near the end.

BTW, he loved this one, which starts as mine and definitely ends as yours:

In Olympia, the legislative session is over. But the torrid affairs of Washington State Lawmakers continue. KTHS has the exclusive, dirty details. . . and they are available to you when you pledge at the $150 level. Lawmakers who pledge at the $50,000 level will have details of their liaisons withheld--and will also receive a commemorative tote bag.
Posted by: Phyllis on April 26, 2007 11:08 PM

Concerned about eroding top line growth, Starbucks Coffee Company (NASDAQ: SBUX) announced after the bell yesterday an aggressive expansion plan focused on the domestic US market.

According to James Alling, CEO of Starbucks Coffee U.S., the coffee chain will be opening new kiosks, called "Latte Lanes" inside of existing Starbucks storefronts. "This way," he said, "our customers can have the fastest possible service, and enjoy their favorite coffee drinks while waiting to place an order or purchase a CD."

Analysts expressed surprise at the plan, due to the near market saturation that Starbucks has already achieved. "Up to this point, the company had been carefully managing expectations for domestic growth," said UBS analyst Sanjay Vindranath. "We are surprised, but the plan itself is very innovative. And they have taken up most of the ground level storefront space in every major American City so they had to be creative in finding new floor space."

Posted by: Lost Poke on April 27, 2007 1:02 PM

I was in tears by the time I finished reading this. Doesn't the 520 bridge have traffic speeds of 7 miles an hour????!

Posted by: Sylvia on May 8, 2007 12:58 PM