defective yeti: Things Not To Say

I went over to a friend's house the other day, where we ate a bunch of pizza and then played 120 minutes of Power Grid. I knew most of the players, but two of them were a rather prim couple I had never met before.

After the game was over, I opened one of the pizza boxes and, discovering that there were still a few slices left, grabbed one.

"Hey, I'll throw that in the microwave for you," said my friend.

"No, thanks," I said, and then--because it's my standard line in situations like that--added, "I like my pizza the way I like my women."

I didn't have a punchline in mind when I said it. But, having set the joke up, I had no choice but to follow through. "Cold ... and a few hours old."

Update: Okay, so normally I wouldn't post something like this here, as necropedophilia jokes rarely go over well with my typically readership. (Hi Mom! It gets worse!) But I got such a torrent of amazing alternate punchlines when I posted this elsewhere, I had no choice but to share.

"Bought on a street corner" (Randombit)
"Patted down with a napkin and folded in half" (Umrain)
"Shared with 3 friends" (Newbornstranger)
"Available by telephone and delivered by a pimply stoner in an AMC Pacer" (Walter)
"So hot the top slides off." (Phil S)
"Hand tossed." (Flaunted)
"Liberally endowed with Italian Sausage." (Migelikor)
"Stacked in a corner of my fridge the following morning." (pyrimyd)
"Fawned over by nerds" (Gee)
"Free if they don't come within 30 minutes or less" (Melvin)

From Shephard Scale to this? Funny that. I just got thinking, this guy really seems to be ascending in quality of content. But, ultimately, he's gotten no higher.

Posted by: water on August 16, 2007 3:26 PM

Posted by: water on August 16, 2007 3:27 PM

While funny, they really aren't punchlines to the whole "No, don't microwave it" portion of the set up.

Sorry, I'm afraid that they must all be disqualified, leaving you with the ol' necrophilia bit.

Posted by: sara on August 16, 2007 3:44 PM

My school's sketch and improv group, the Pappy Parker Players, plays I Like My Men Like I Like My ___, with the blank filled in by the audience.

...

smelling like anchovies

with coke

round

when I'm drunk

Thanks for making me feel like a terrible person, Matthew!

Posted by: Lenny on August 16, 2007 6:39 PM

Now, I was thinking "cold" as in temperament and "a few hours old" as being hyperbole to barely-legal. But the rest of your post made it much, much worse.

I don't know whether to say "shame on you" or "bravo"...

Posted by: on August 17, 2007 8:53 AM

My line was always, "I like my coffee like I like my women. Thrown in a burlap sack, hauled down a mountain on the back of a donkey, presented to me by a small Latino man, ground up and put in the freezer."

Someone told me that was a bit over the top, though.

Posted by: Thomas on August 17, 2007 11:37 AM

I like my women like I like my hard drives: virus-free and hot-swappable.

I have to admit that I was rather relived at where your joke went, since I feared an impending dead baby joke. *shame*

Posted by: TruckerPete on August 17, 2007 3:06 PM

you should never put pizza in the microwave, and coffee doesn't belong in the freezer. and EVERYONE knows that coffee, like good women, should be one way only.
bitter.
(this is a joke. you get jokes. coffee does not belong in the freezer. it can absorb odors. not part of the joke. unless you think i'm bitter.)

Posted by: jocelyn on August 17, 2007 9:14 PM

Hi Matt,
Long time reader, first time caller. thought i'd contribute some of my favourites.

I like my women like i like my coffee: Mail-ordered from Ethiopia.
I like my women like i like my beer: Dark and bitter (or: stout and bitter)
I like my women like i like my scotch: 12 years old and stored in the basement.
I like my men like i like my chewing gum: fruity and in my mouth for 15 minutes before i replace them.
and, from the rock climbing gym i go to: I like my women like i like my rope; Long, uncut and able to support me.

Posted by: aaron on August 20, 2007 4:11 AM

In keeping the sense of continuity from the microwave part of the setup:

"Hey, I'll throw that in the microwave for you"

"No, thanks, I like my pizza the way I like my women."

Frigid and potentially rife with disease.

Posted by: MBCBUYB on August 20, 2007 7:42 AM

Not much to add, although I love it that you'll start a joke w/o knowing where the punchline will take you.

Also, Melvin and topher's are my favorite.

Posted by: juliloquy on August 20, 2007 12:31 PM

I like my women like I like my coffee. Overpriced, extra large, cold and bitter.

I like my women like I like my pizza. Round, saucy, and with a sausage I didn't expect

Posted by: someguy on August 21, 2007 10:20 AM

"with mammary glands and fully functioning reproductive organs. Let me tell you, those are tricky pizzas to order. You're on the phone with the guy for, like, 45 minutes. And then he has to talk to his manager. And they're super expensive. But man."

Posted by: jm on August 21, 2007 2:16 PM