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Things Not To Say

I went over to a friend's house the other day, where we ate a bunch of pizza and then played 120 minutes of Power Grid. I knew most of the players, but two of them were a rather prim couple I had never met before.

After the game was over, I opened one of the pizza boxes and, discovering that there were still a few slices left, grabbed one.

"Hey, I'll throw that in the microwave for you," said my friend.

"No, thanks," I said, and then--because it's my standard line in situations like that--added, "I like my pizza the way I like my women."

I didn't have a punchline in mind when I said it. But, having set the joke up, I had no choice but to follow through. "Cold ... and a few hours old."

Update: Okay, so normally I wouldn't post something like this here, as necropedophilia jokes rarely go over well with my typically readership. (Hi Mom! It gets worse!) But I got such a torrent of amazing alternate punchlines when I posted this elsewhere, I had no choice but to share.

  • "Bought on a street corner" (Randombit)
  • "Patted down with a napkin and folded in half" (Umrain)
  • "Shared with 3 friends" (Newbornstranger)
  • "Available by telephone and delivered by a pimply stoner in an AMC Pacer" (Walter)
  • "So hot the top slides off." (Phil S)
  • "Hand tossed." (Flaunted)
  • "Liberally endowed with Italian Sausage." (Migelikor)
  • "Stacked in a corner of my fridge the following morning." (pyrimyd)
  • "Fawned over by nerds" (Gee)
  • "Free if they don't come within 30 minutes or less" (Melvin)
Posted on August 15, 2007 to Humor





Comments

oh dear god that was awesome. esp. italian sausage. i love, love, love your blog.

Posted by: Darcy on August 16, 2007 3:20 PM

the last one is amazing. nice job melvin

Posted by: Anonymous on August 16, 2007 3:25 PM

From Shephard Scale to this? Funny that. I just got thinking, this guy really seems to be ascending in quality of content. But, ultimately, he's gotten no higher.

Posted by: water on August 16, 2007 3:26 PM

oh dear god that was awesome. esp. italian sausage. i love, love, love your blog.

Posted by: Darcy on August 16, 2007 3:26 PM

From Shephard Scale to this? Funny that. I just got thinking, this guy really seems to be ascending in quality of content. But, ultimately, he's gotten no higher.

Posted by: water on August 16, 2007 3:27 PM

While funny, they really aren't punchlines to the whole "No, don't microwave it" portion of the set up.

Sorry, I'm afraid that they must all be disqualified, leaving you with the ol' necrophilia bit.

Posted by: sara on August 16, 2007 3:44 PM

How about "crusty and cheesy"?

Posted by: el on August 16, 2007 4:17 PM

"Oily up top, yeasty down below."

Posted by: Jay on August 16, 2007 4:20 PM


...with a tossed salad

...lying still in a box

Posted by: pplok on August 16, 2007 4:52 PM

...aged, but still moist.

Posted by: Rob Cockerham on August 16, 2007 5:08 PM

... Greasy, at room temperature and in a cardboard box...

Posted by: BWK on August 16, 2007 5:41 PM

...cut into eight identical triangular pieces.

Posted by: Tron on August 16, 2007 5:52 PM

"Flat. Hard. And greassssssssssy!"

Posted by: Sally Struther's Mom on August 16, 2007 6:11 PM

My school's sketch and improv group, the Pappy Parker Players, plays I Like My Men Like I Like My ___, with the blank filled in by the audience.

...

smelling like anchovies

with coke

round

when I'm drunk

...

Thanks for making me feel like a terrible person, Matthew!

Posted by: Lenny on August 16, 2007 6:39 PM

Note to self:

Do not drink any beverages while reading defective yeti.

Posted by: Karl on August 16, 2007 7:43 PM

Melvin wins.

Posted by: Nugget on August 16, 2007 8:45 PM

Now, I was thinking "cold" as in temperament and "a few hours old" as being hyperbole to barely-legal. But the rest of your post made it much, much worse.

I don't know whether to say "shame on you" or "bravo"...

Posted by: Anonymous on August 17, 2007 8:53 AM

cheesy...with a crunchy crust.

Posted by: Anonymous on August 17, 2007 9:18 AM

Just. Awesome.

Posted by: Davey on August 17, 2007 10:14 AM

My line was always, "I like my coffee like I like my women. Thrown in a burlap sack, hauled down a mountain on the back of a donkey, presented to me by a small Latino man, ground up and put in the freezer."

Someone told me that was a bit over the top, though.

Posted by: Thomas on August 17, 2007 11:37 AM

...right now.

Posted by: Anon on August 17, 2007 12:11 PM

@ Thomas:
My best friend wears a shirt that says "I like my women like I like my coffee" on the front and "ground up and in the freezer" on the back.

Posted by: zeekster on August 17, 2007 12:16 PM

I like my women like I like my Scotch...

... 16 years old and mixed up with coke.


Yes, I know where I'm going, I'll pack my bags.

Posted by: Gekkobear on August 17, 2007 12:23 PM

I like my women like I like my hard drives: virus-free and hot-swappable.

I have to admit that I was rather relived at where your joke went, since I feared an impending dead baby joke. *shame*

Posted by: TruckerPete on August 17, 2007 3:06 PM

Melvin definitely wins. No contest.

Posted by: Virginia on August 17, 2007 3:18 PM

"even better after a couple of days in the fridge"

Posted by: pete on August 17, 2007 5:16 PM

"cold and leftover."

"lightly topped and heavily sauced."

"sagging up front, firm in the end."

Posted by: LAN3 on August 17, 2007 6:46 PM

you should never put pizza in the microwave, and coffee doesn't belong in the freezer. and EVERYONE knows that coffee, like good women, should be one way only.
bitter.
(this is a joke. you get jokes. coffee does not belong in the freezer. it can absorb odors. not part of the joke. unless you think i'm bitter.)

Posted by: jocelyn on August 17, 2007 9:14 PM

cheap, fast, and saucy :)

Posted by: topher on August 17, 2007 9:48 PM

I like my women like I like my Hot Pockets (TM):

Done in about 3 minutes.

Posted by: Jim Gaffigan's Mom on August 18, 2007 7:41 AM

Dead baby jokes are always funny. No need to apologize.

Posted by: Steve on August 18, 2007 10:16 AM

I like my (coffee) pizza like I like my women....quiet.

I'm a woman and I don't drink coffee or do women.

Posted by: renee on August 18, 2007 11:08 AM

I blame you for the asthma attack I am now suffering. I haven't laughed that hard in years.

Posted by: Mary on August 18, 2007 10:39 PM

...dripping a little bit from the bottom of the box.

Posted by: j on August 19, 2007 6:09 AM

Oh Gekkobear, please say you were joking and you don't mix a 16-year-old Scotch with anything! Pack your bags indeed, but not because of the joke!

Posted by: C. on August 19, 2007 8:11 AM

Rich and thick

Posted by: Bock the Robber on August 19, 2007 1:01 PM

Am I the only one to say, "Ummm.... Eeww?"

Posted by: Camron on August 19, 2007 9:13 PM


Spread out on a coffee table during a ball game.

Posted by: Lung the Younger on August 20, 2007 12:40 AM

Hi Matt,
Long time reader, first time caller. thought i'd contribute some of my favourites.

I like my women like i like my coffee: Mail-ordered from Ethiopia.
I like my women like i like my beer: Dark and bitter (or: stout and bitter)
I like my women like i like my scotch: 12 years old and stored in the basement.
I like my men like i like my chewing gum: fruity and in my mouth for 15 minutes before i replace them.
and, from the rock climbing gym i go to: I like my women like i like my rope; Long, uncut and able to support me.

Posted by: aaron on August 20, 2007 4:11 AM

In keeping the sense of continuity from the microwave part of the setup:

"Hey, I'll throw that in the microwave for you"

"No, thanks, I like my pizza the way I like my women."

Frigid and potentially rife with disease.

Posted by: MBCBUYB on August 20, 2007 7:42 AM

Not much to add, although I love it that you'll start a joke w/o knowing where the punchline will take you.

Also, Melvin and topher's are my favorite.

Posted by: juliloquy on August 20, 2007 12:31 PM

"...with a cold, oily box the next morning."

Posted by: Jenertia on August 20, 2007 1:44 PM

..."3 for $19.99"

Posted by: Bitter Betty on August 20, 2007 3:16 PM

"... nice and quiet and in the kitchen."

Posted by: Jeremy Hornik on August 20, 2007 7:55 PM

I like my coffee like I like my d1ck...
hot and black.

Posted by: Anonymous on August 20, 2007 9:25 PM

I like my coffee like I like my d1ck...
hot and black.

Posted by: janey on August 20, 2007 9:26 PM

I like my women like I like my coffee. Overpriced, extra large, cold and bitter.

I like my women like I like my pizza. Round, saucy, and with a sausage I didn't expect

Posted by: someguy on August 21, 2007 10:20 AM

"...sprinkled with hot pepper flakes."


...What?

Posted by: Ben on August 21, 2007 10:44 AM

"with mammary glands and fully functioning reproductive organs. Let me tell you, those are tricky pizzas to order. You're on the phone with the guy for, like, 45 minutes. And then he has to talk to his manager. And they're super expensive. But man."

Posted by: jm on August 21, 2007 2:16 PM

I like my women like I like my pizza: Two for $5.

Posted by: Sam on August 21, 2007 2:41 PM

I like my pizza like I like my women: Cold and flat.

Posted by: Doctor Jay on August 22, 2007 7:38 AM