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Christmas Carol Errata

Little Drummer Boy
As infants rarely exhibit social response behavior until the sixth week of life, it is unlikely that Jesus was truly smiling at the little drummer boy. We now believe that the son of man was experiencing gas.


Frosty the Snowman
Due to trends in global climate change, Frosty's vow to "be back again some day" can no longer be guaranteed.


Angels We Have Heard on High
Note that this song only provides a partial list of things heard on high. Others include the Phish "Junta" album and the incessant crinkle of a Funyuns bag.


What Child Is This?
The child has been determined to be Jake Keenan of Great Falls, Montana. If someone could let his folks know that he's here, that would be great.


Christmas is Coming
Since 1997 the donation amount suggested by this song has been adjusted annually for inflation. Given the recent economic meltdown however, this year the old man will again be accepting pennies and ha'pennies.


Silent Night
Just to clarify, the directive to "sleep in heavenly peace" was intended for the holy infant only. It is well-known that the parents of a newborn can expect no sleep whatsoever for a minimum of seven months, especially when people keep showing up at all hours of the night bearing myrrh.


Feliz Navidad
Please disregard all previous errata for this song. Apparently it is in Spanish.


Let It Snow
This song may erroneously lead the listener to believe that snow is a enjoyable and desired meteorological phenomenon. In fact, it is a huge fucking pain in the ass. We regret the error.

Posted on December 19, 2008 to Lists





Comments

I may have been the one to notify the authorities about "Let It Snow."

Sorry, I just got to Minneapolis from Georgia. It was inevitable I'd catch on to the terrible lie.

Posted by: dd on December 20, 2008 2:19 PM

You mentioned Frosty the Snowman in your post. Try these [anagrams]: Voices > Narrator = [Jammed In Yurt] / Professor Hinkle = [Elbowed Filly] / Frosty = [Connive A Jerk]. Play today's TV game.

Posted by: Leona Raisin on December 20, 2008 4:25 PM

It should also be noted that "Deck the Halls" has been banned in California, as "donning gay apparel" has been seen as an affront to "donning traditional apparel". California is also considering a constitutional amendment defining donning as a "union of one person and one apparel".


Also, snow is a huge fucking pain in the ass. You already mentioned that, but it's such a huge fucking pain in the ass it bears repeating.

Posted by: Craig on December 20, 2008 4:45 PM

Snow is especially a huge pain in the ass to those of us who live in hilly areas, rarely have temps below freezing, and rarely have snow. Like Seattle, for instance.

Posted by: Silverstar98121 on December 20, 2008 7:49 PM

Snow's Ass-Pain-Factor (APF) achieves epic levels when total accumulation > 15 inches. APF increases exponentially when said accumulation is followed by the temperature dropping to -6 F.

Signed,
~Your Beer-Guzzling Friends 2,000 Miles to the East and Next to One Of Those Big-Ass Lakes

Posted by: Scott on December 21, 2008 7:15 AM

also next to a giant lake near which snow likes to accumulate, can personally attest to the ass-pain factor. it is not novel, fun, or cheery. fully agree to stopping the spreading of lies that it is anything but cold and annoying.

Posted by: ris on December 21, 2008 8:42 PM

While I found this Errata to be quite humerosa, I actually am commenting on the Free Chicks post. I need you to come by and install a microwave oven, as it's failure to operate is currently making it impossible to relax and watch my MTV. Also, I think there's a bongo-playing chimpanzee living in my custom kitchen. Oh, great, he's sticking "it" in my camera...

Posted by: Zach B on December 21, 2008 11:30 PM


SILENT NIGHT It has yet to be determined who this shady Round John Virgin character is.

THE FIRST NOEL Soon to be banned in California too, given the graphic description of the shepherds in fields where they lay.

SANTA CLAUSE IS COMING TO TOWN Actually written by Arthur Miller during the fifties as a response to the probing investigations of Un-American activities.


Posted by: Lung the Younger on December 22, 2008 7:41 AM

Call me self-centered, but I'm pretty excited that the child has been identified as one from my hometown of Great Falls, Montana. I am headed there tomorrow to celebrate Christmas, so I can let the Keenans know, if you want.

Posted by: Libbey on December 22, 2008 11:09 AM

The APF factor also increases when the snow is 12-18" deep, you live in a city where rain is the most prevalent precipitation, it rarely gets below freezing, and the (&(**&*^%&^ city has 4!!!! snowplows and, apparently, no gravel trucks.
I'm just saying. *cough* Portland *cough*

Posted by: Kay on December 22, 2008 8:39 PM

snow is sweet as shit, get a subaru like the rest of us *is smug as heck* but seriously, snow? great!

Posted by: John Butts on December 23, 2008 1:42 AM

Since I also live near one of the great lakes, I will gleefully jump on the "Ass Pain Factor of snow" band wagon. I would also like to note that if anyone knows a way for me to get back all the time I spent putting up Christmas decorations on my lawn that I fear I will not see again until April, please let me know. "Let it melt, Let it melt, Let it melt"

Posted by: Dsaurus on December 23, 2008 10:31 AM

While where on the errata: How come when "Frosty the Snowman" comes to life, everyone's all happy and dancing around, yet when *I* bring things to life everyone's all like "EEK! A Monster!" and suddenly I'm a "*mad* scientist"? No justice I tells ya.

Posted by: Craig on December 23, 2008 2:03 PM

Spending 5 hours in line, and listening to "Let It Snow" and "Winter Wonderland" while on hold with NW Airlines and stuck at the Sea-Tac airport was just cruel.

Thanks for a laugh.

Posted by: Marianna on December 24, 2008 5:40 PM

I hate Christmas music. The radio stations overplay them this time of year. Very annoying!

Posted by: Thomas on December 28, 2008 11:08 AM

Hilarioso!

Posted by: Chance on January 1, 2009 3:58 PM

Its a great list.

Thanks for posting.
Amanda

Posted by: Music Lessons on January 6, 2009 12:26 AM