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Beer -> Goggles

I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.

But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn't too high ... no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I'm wearing when I wake.

Wake Up WearingBAC
Socks0.05
Pants0.10
Jacket and shoes0.15
Axe Bodyspray0.18
No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever0.20
Boxer shorts (not own)0.22
Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson0.24
Half-eaten nacho hat0.26
Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove0.28
Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe0.30
Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara0.33
Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet0.38
Wheedle costume0.38
Sheet, identifying tag0.40

Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I'd done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied "how about stop?")

Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:

Wake Up WearingBACAll-Around Great Person
Torn karate outfit / peanut butter stains0.17pfostpfilms
Mesh sleeveless shirt0.183bklynjudith
Full beard0.20savagegus
Eye shadow0.22wendelldotme
Jodhpurs and gold lame' blouse0.25golux13
Nadya Suleman0.30illonia
"I voted for G.W. Bush" buttonAlcohol poisoningcybersherpa
Raccoon blood on pillow*Nick Noltechilcote

* Not really something worn, but the judges will allow it.

If you have a suggestion, reply to this Tweet.

Posted on February 26, 2009 to Lists, Tweets





Comments

would that be chris knight of the brady bunch, or chris knight of new kids on the block?

Posted by: pansy on February 26, 2009 4:21 PM

pansy: "chris knight of the brady bunch, or chris knight of nkotb"
bwahh haa haa haa ha....

Posted by: Karen on February 26, 2009 10:30 PM

I think it's Chris Knight of Real Genius.

Posted by: suburbandiva on February 27, 2009 8:54 AM

I looked at Mr. Knight's tweets - I'll take your lists over his any day.

In fact, your next list should be 'what number of things do I have to list before chris_knight stops following me?'.

Then just start tweeting '1', '2', '3', ...

Posted by: E.Z. on February 27, 2009 9:34 AM

There was no Chris Knight in New Kids on the Block. Jonathan and Jordan, but no Chris.


I too thought of Real Genius.

Posted by: the right age to know this useless fact on February 27, 2009 1:32 PM

Thank you for continuing with the blog; Twitter is blocked at my place of work and I need your posts.

Posted by: Anonymous on February 27, 2009 2:07 PM

Funniest thing I've read this week. Thanks.

Posted by: Eric on February 27, 2009 3:25 PM

I heart your lists ... don't stop the insanity!

Posted by: ultraspy on February 27, 2009 4:39 PM

Please convince Doug Benson of this.

Posted by: Davin Wood on March 1, 2009 10:28 AM

In my defense I really thought most of them were funny but it started going downhill, and you were blowing up my computer with messages. Small price to pay I suppose for a good laugh.

I almost spit out my drink at the Axe Body Spray.

Posted by: chris knight on March 1, 2009 6:01 PM

I once woke up with two pair of underware on.

I wonder if some one was telling me something?

Posted by: Mike Friis on March 3, 2009 10:20 AM

I am not sure there is anything more pathetic than someone blogging his tweets.

Posted by: Molly on March 4, 2009 8:57 PM

I can think of at least one thing more pathetic.

Posted by: Rob Cockerham on March 8, 2009 1:54 AM

Oh! Oh, Rob, me too! I know this one! Is it "People who wear those (as seen on TV) Snuggie Blanket things without a hint of irony"?? That's it, right?

No?

Oh, riiiight. You meant...yeah, no, I totally see that. It's a good answer, too.

Posted by: akeeyu on March 10, 2009 10:40 PM

I woke up alone in the back yard of my buddy's house after a particularly wild party, fully clothed from the waist up(to include jacket)and naked from the waist down.

Posted by: matt on March 13, 2009 11:02 AM

I miss you. Come back to us, Matt.

Posted by: Kirk on March 14, 2009 5:01 AM

Great Post....

You should also have a DSL (Drunken Stupor List) not to be confused with the other more inappropriate acronym. DSL is a list of who you would wake up with depending on your alcohol consumption.

adding a link on my page to your blog if you don't mind.

Posted by: Brian on March 15, 2009 12:11 PM

Chris Knight is missing the ingenious rule of 37s by which something may be annoying on the 11th mention, but it gets absolutely hilarious by the 37th. Also used to great effect by the Family Guy.

So see your real problem was that you didn't do enough.

Posted by: Mom101 on March 16, 2009 11:18 AM

Matthew, buddy, are you, like, DEAD?

I'm starting to get a little concerned. Can you shoot up a flare?

Posted by: Karen on March 19, 2009 12:07 PM

wow, this post was so bad that you quit blogging? Dude, the rest of your posts have been awesome... don't quit over this!

(j/k, no doubt you have other stuff going on in life besides this blog... hope all's well)

Posted by: anon on March 22, 2009 6:11 PM

Twittering, though not without its attraction, is no replacement for the supremely talented DY blog author writing actual DY blog posts where actual paragraphs occur! Please come back to us...

Posted by: Julie on March 23, 2009 3:54 PM

Are you kidding me, man? You're okay with twittering, but you're abandoning a blog that's kept me laughing with warm-hearted spirit for years? FOR SHAME. You're not dead, just an absentee blogger. FOR SHAME.

Posted by: The Flash on March 24, 2009 6:51 AM

Now it's been a month. A MONTH. I feel like Tom Hanks on the island, with no Wilson. Counting the days. Unshaven. Slowly going mad.

I kid, of course--I really hope everything's all right.

Posted by: Karen on March 26, 2009 8:44 AM

I think Chris Knight must have found you and killed you.

Posted by: MelissaInAz on March 27, 2009 11:01 AM

Great site.

Posted by: rajkumar on March 30, 2009 3:44 AM

Great site.

Posted by: rajkumar on March 30, 2009 3:47 AM

Please come back. Craig's been playing "What BAC do I need to wake up with a new defective yeti post?" and I don't think I can take much more.

Posted by: Craig's Liver on March 30, 2009 9:30 PM

I will be drunk before I put on that AXE crap

Posted by: Cyber Rainbow on June 19, 2009 5:12 PM