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May 28, 2007

God's Business Plan

God's Business Plan

[ link | Humor]


May 25, 2007

Dear Mainstream Media

Please stop saying that the Democrats in Congress "had to" drop timetables from the Iraq funding bill.

They did not "have to." They chose to, because they are cowards. Please make a note of it.

May 24, 2007

Mob Rule: Belatedly Yours

Here's a question I've been carrying around in my head for months. I've been meaning to send it to The Ethicist, but since it's been a while since I've opened comments on a post (and you guys are clearly in search of a thread to brawl in) I guess I'll just toss it out here.

Dear Teh Intire NetarWeb:

Say you have a friend with a glaring character flaw, something that drives you crazy. Tardiness, for example. Always shows up late for everything, and walks in the door making excuses. "Lost my car keys. Google maps was wrong. Couldn't find parking," et cetera, and so forth.

So one day you are meeting your friend for a movie. And, as always, he shows up late. Late enough that you're certain to get the crappiest seats in the house--somewhere in the first row, no doubt.

"Traffic was terrible," he says as he arrives, to forestall your objections. But this is the final straw. You read him the riot act, call him to the carpet, tear him a new asshole--pick your favorite cliche. "Why do you keep doing this?!" you yell. "It's just as easy to be consistently on time as it is to be consistently 20 minutes late!!*" He, of course, keeps insisting that it's not his fault, but you'll hear none of it.

(* I actually hollered this at a friend once...)

Well, it's worse than you imagined: 28 Weeks Later is totally sold out by the time you get to the boxoffice, and you have to go see another movie instead.

Afterwards you decide to go to a bar together--not because you are friends again (you're both still totally pissed), but because you made the mistake of seeing Georgia Rule and now have no choice but to consume enough alcohol to retroactively blackout the entire evening. While you sit there silently fuming in T. J. McDrinkies, pounding greyhounds, the local 10 o'clock news comes on. Top story: a semi jackknifed on I-5 a few hours ago, bringing traffic to a virtual standstill.

Your friends looks at you expectantly. Do you apologize?

Curious,
Matthew

P.s. to those using the comments to offer me advice on dealing with my "friend": this really is a purely hypothetical situation--one that occurred to me last week when I was caught in a traffic jam and showed up late to a movie.

May 23, 2007

How To Trick A Girl

Go up to a girl and say "You are pretty." Then, when she says "thanks," say "yeah ... pretty attractive!!"

Gets em every time.

May 22, 2007

Pinnacle Quiz

I was just on the website for Pinnacle Foods, and discovered that these guys own a crapload of the most well-known food brands. I also noticed that every product page on their site featured a logo for a brand, and a piece of clipart that presumably portrayed the target demographic for that food. Can you match 'em up?

May 21, 2007

Wish-I-Could-Draw Comics!

Panel 1: Captain America, The Hulk, Wasp, Thor, and Iron Man converge on a box.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
(shouting)
Avengers Assemble!
Panel 2: The box, reading "IKEA," sits off to the side. The Avengers are sitting, bending over, and kneeling, looking quizzical, holding pieces of pine.

Panel 3: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together; a few are attached.

Panel 4: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together.

CAPTAIN AMERICA
Goddammit, Bruce! Next time just go to Crate & Barrel and get pre-made shelves.

HULK
(hurt)
But these were only, like, thirty bucks.

[ link | Humor]


May 14, 2007

Made 5000 Fishwiches Out Of Five Buns And Two Cod

 

Made 5000 Fishwiches out of Five Buns and 2 Cod

Sorry, workin' on a side project this week, so you get lots of images and little prose.
[ link | Humor]



Bike To Work Week

May 14-18 is Ride Your Bike To Work Week. So if you've been meaning to do that, you should probably do that.

If the route to your workplace involves riding in traffic for any length of time, I would doubly recommend you make the effort--especially if, like me, you are a middle-class, heterosexual, thirtysomething, college-educated, healthy white American male. It breeds humility, spending an hour each day at the absolute bottom of a social hierarchy.

May 11, 2007

FHM

If you haven't already enjoyed this astounding video, please do so now. It's not safe for work ... I guess, I dunno. Hard to say. If your boss walks into your office while you are watching it, he will either fire you on the spot or promote you to CFO, one of the two.

The artists behind this masterpiece also have a MySpace page, which has attracted thousands of visitors. In fact, the amazing amount of attention these guys have attracted makes me wonder if there might be a market out there for this kind of stuff.

FHM
 
May 10, 2007

Where's Keith When You Need 'Em?

A woman is giving me her personal information over the phone:

"First name: Janet; Last name: Oakley. Email address: jaoakley@yahoo.com; that's J as in James, A as in Andrew, O as in Oscar, A as in Andrew, K as in, uhhhhhhhhh, Welcomebackkotter ..."

May 09, 2007

God Help Me, I Made A LOLCAT


God Help Me, I Made A LOLCAT

I know: if everyone on the Internet jumped off a bridge, I would probably do that too.

[ link | Humor]



Big Cac

I saw a billboard this morning that featured the McDonalds Southwest Salad and the motto "Less Dangerous Than Eating A Cactus."

At least, I assume that's a motto. On further consideration, though, having to compare the consumption of their food to the eating of cacti might be some sort of FDA-mandated warning label. Like, maybe it was originally supposed to be, "McDonalds: Less Dangerous Than Eating A Cactus; More Dangerous Than Eating Pretty Much Any Thing Else" but the crack Micky-D legal team managed to plea bargain down to just the first half.

May 08, 2007

Game Nights

I while ago I received this email:

Hello!

My society (a very tiny group of individuals just trying to bring fun to a deserving town in central Pennsylvania) would like to host a monthly Games Night in our town and I'm wondering if you have any suggestions for making it a fun night for everyone. I have the basics covered: offer a variety of games so everyone has something to enjoy, food, etc. But I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to lure people in and then keep them coming back? These won't necessarily be my friends so I can't apply guilt to make them show up. I have to offer a really fun night.

Do you have any suggestions?

Amy

Now, after many, many months, I've gotten around to writing a reply.

The Care And Feeding Of Your Game Group.

May 07, 2007

Grandpa Was A Card

Though I was the first in my family to start a blog, my predeliction for cracking horrible jokes appaears to be hereditary.

The following is a letter sent by my maternal grandfather to my parents in 1967.

Grandpa was a card

Grandpa wasn't a humor writer, so, even before I managed to Google up portions of the material, I knew it wasn't original. Still, he loved to crack wise--after supper during family get-togethers, he would always treat us to a long, convoluted golf joke--and I can totally visualize him sitting at his manual typewriter, laboriously copying these groaners from somewhere else, chuckling to himself all the while.

He was a good guy, my Grandpa. I miss him.

[ link | Humor]


May 04, 2007

Residents of Old MacDonald's Farm as Inventoried by My Three Year-Old Son, Who, as the Song Wore On, Found it Increasingly Difficult to Avoid Repetition

A dog
A cat
A pig
A cow
A horse
A sheep
A goat
A chicken
A bunny
A duck
A rooster
A bird
A turkey
A crow
An owl
A mouse
A fish
A snake
A bear
An elephant
A cricket
A baby
A pirate
A robot
A chicken nugget
A hot dog
Applesauce
An octagon


Paul / Gravel 2008

Ron Paul, one of the second-tier Republican candidates who participated in last night's debate, is a Libertarian and a strict Constitutionalist. In practice, that means he's pro-life (but thinks the Federal government shouldn't rule on abortion one way or the other), opposed to capital punishment, advocate for a non-interventionist foreign policy, "regularly votes against almost all proposals for government spending," thinks we should scrap the drug war, supports the repeal of the Income Tax, and was given an A+ by the Gun Owners of America.

Holy smokes. Pair this guy up with Mike Gravel and you've got yourself a ticket.

 

The Bad Review Revue

Wild Hogs: "Does for comedies what Exxon did for Prince William Sound." -- Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat

Are We Done Yet?: "Remarkable only for the fact that its star [Ice Cube] was ever once actually considered a threat to civic stability. If movies came any safer than this, they'd be given honourary police citations for keeping the peace." -- Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

Pathfinder: "Makes Conan the Barbarian seem like Dostoyevsky in its complexity. " --Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

The Invisible: "It probably seemed layered and complex when the writers were stoned. " -- Luke Y. Thompson, LA Weekly

Slow Burn: "Nothing is what it seems ... unless it seems cheesy." --Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

And, because Kyle Smith was on a roll this week, Lucky You: "An announcer calling a climactic poker match uses a Texas hold 'em term frequently, saying, 'And the flop. And the flop. And the flop.' Heck, this movie reviews itself." -- Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

May 03, 2007

And Now For Something Completely The Same ...

I just saw a commercial on CNN. "50 Years Of Pop Culture," it said, "Thursday on CNN."

Either they are airing an hour-long retrospective on the last 50 years of pop culture, or, from today forward, they are going to spend 50 years focusing on pop culture. The latter would probably be easier for them, as it would require no change of format.

"The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter has been established, but who will become her pediatric dentist? Anderson Cooper investigates ... tonight!"


Al-Qaeda Incorporated

The US says it has killed yet another "senior al-Qaida leader". Not bin Laden, someone a few boxes down on the org chart.

You can tell that the folks running this war have spent their entire lives in politics or the military. If they had spent some time in the business world, they'd know that the quickest way to cripple an organization is to increase its ranks of middle-management, not thin them.

Instead of firing laser-guided missiles at these guys, we should be sending them laser pointers and complementary copies of Powerpoint.

May 02, 2007

Pitchforks And Permalinks

As the previous post illustrates, "blog" is pretty much just "mob" spelled backwards.


i saw u (redux)
i saw u

I saw u Thurs. at Sam's Bar & Grill. Me: blond, blue eyes, jeans, Hooters t-shirt, approached and suggested that we go to my place so you could check out my hard drive. You: pretty, petite, dark hair, reading "Underworld", said you'd rather eat a thumbtack sandwich than go home with me. I didn't get your number. Call me, drinks? 5099

That's an old post of mine from 2002, later reprinted in the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Coworkers: Best of Blogs".

I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but, as near as I can tell, some students in a Ohio State University English class are reading Never Threaten, and have been told to comment on the "i saw u" entry. As that post's comments have long since closed, I'm creating this one in its stead. Go nuts.

P.s. I've been in touch with the class instructor and verified that this is on the level, despite all appearances.

P.p.s. Uncharitable comments will be deleted. The OSU students are welcome here and I'll thank you to treat them as guests. Update: I have given up. The "go nuts" exhortation now applies to all.