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May 28, 2007
May 25, 2007
Dear Mainstream Media
Please stop saying that the Democrats in Congress "had to" drop timetables from the Iraq funding bill.
They did not "have to." They chose to, because they are cowards. Please make a note of it.
May 24, 2007
Mob Rule: Belatedly Yours
Here's a question I've been carrying around in my head for months. I've been meaning to send it to The Ethicist, but since it's been a while since I've opened comments on a post (and you guys are clearly in search of a thread to brawl in) I guess I'll just toss it out here.
Dear Teh Intire NetarWeb:P.s. to those using the comments to offer me advice on dealing with my "friend": this really is a purely hypothetical situation--one that occurred to me last week when I was caught in a traffic jam and showed up late to a movie.
May 23, 2007
How To Trick A Girl
Go up to a girl and say "You are pretty." Then, when she says "thanks," say "yeah ... pretty attractive!!"
Gets em every time.
May 22, 2007
I was just on the website for Pinnacle Foods, and discovered that these guys own a crapload of the most well-known food brands. I also noticed that every product page on their site featured a logo for a brand, and a piece of clipart that presumably portrayed the target demographic for that food. Can you match 'em up?
May 21, 2007
Panel 1: Captain America, The Hulk, Wasp, Thor, and Iron Man converge on a box.
Panel 2: The box, reading "IKEA," sits off to the side. The Avengers are sitting, bending over, and kneeling, looking quizzical, holding pieces of pine.
Panel 3: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together; a few are attached.
Panel 4: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together.
May 14, 2007
Made 5000 Fishwiches Out Of Five Buns And Two Cod
Sorry, workin' on a side project this week, so you get lots of images and little prose.
Bike To Work Week
May 14-18 is Ride Your Bike To Work Week. So if you've been meaning to do that, you should probably do that.
If the route to your workplace involves riding in traffic for any length of time, I would doubly recommend you make the effort--especially if, like me, you are a middle-class, heterosexual, thirtysomething, college-educated, healthy white American male. It breeds humility, spending an hour each day at the absolute bottom of a social hierarchy.
May 11, 2007
If you haven't already enjoyed this astounding video, please do so now. It's not safe for work ... I guess, I dunno. Hard to say. If your boss walks into your office while you are watching it, he will either fire you on the spot or promote you to CFO, one of the two.
The artists behind this masterpiece also have a MySpace page, which has attracted thousands of visitors. In fact, the amazing amount of attention these guys have attracted makes me wonder if there might be a market out there for this kind of stuff.
May 10, 2007
Where's Keith When You Need 'Em?
A woman is giving me her personal information over the phone:
"First name: Janet; Last name: Oakley. Email address: firstname.lastname@example.org; that's J as in James, A as in Andrew, O as in Oscar, A as in Andrew, K as in, uhhhhhhhhh, Welcomebackkotter ..."
May 09, 2007
God Help Me, I Made A LOLCAT
I know: if everyone on the Internet jumped off a bridge, I would probably do that too.
I saw a billboard this morning that featured the McDonalds Southwest Salad and the motto "Less Dangerous Than Eating A Cactus."
At least, I assume that's a motto. On further consideration, though, having to compare the consumption of their food to the eating of cacti might be some sort of FDA-mandated warning label. Like, maybe it was originally supposed to be, "McDonalds: Less Dangerous Than Eating A Cactus; More Dangerous Than Eating Pretty Much Any Thing Else" but the crack Micky-D legal team managed to plea bargain down to just the first half.
May 08, 2007
I while ago I received this email:
Hello!Now, after many, many months, I've gotten around to writing a reply.
May 07, 2007
Grandpa Was A Card
Though I was the first in my family to start a blog, my predeliction for cracking horrible jokes appaears to be hereditary.
The following is a letter sent by my maternal grandfather to my parents in 1967.
Grandpa wasn't a humor writer, so, even before I managed to Google up portions of the material, I knew it wasn't original. Still, he loved to crack wise--after supper during family get-togethers, he would always treat us to a long, convoluted golf joke--and I can totally visualize him sitting at his manual typewriter, laboriously copying these groaners from somewhere else, chuckling to himself all the while.
He was a good guy, my Grandpa. I miss him.
May 04, 2007
Residents of Old MacDonald's Farm as Inventoried by My Three Year-Old Son, Who, as the Song Wore On, Found it Increasingly Difficult to Avoid Repetition
Paul / Gravel 2008
Ron Paul, one of the second-tier Republican candidates who participated in last night's debate, is a Libertarian and a strict Constitutionalist. In practice, that means he's pro-life (but thinks the Federal government shouldn't rule on abortion one way or the other), opposed to capital punishment, advocate for a non-interventionist foreign policy, "regularly votes against almost all proposals for government spending," thinks we should scrap the drug war, supports the repeal of the Income Tax, and was given an A+ by the Gun Owners of America.
Holy smokes. Pair this guy up with Mike Gravel and you've got yourself a ticket.
The Bad Review Revue
Wild Hogs: "Does for comedies what Exxon did for Prince William Sound." -- Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat
Are We Done Yet?: "Remarkable only for the fact that its star [Ice Cube] was ever once actually considered a threat to civic stability. If movies came any safer than this, they'd be given honourary police citations for keeping the peace." -- Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR
Pathfinder: "Makes Conan the Barbarian seem like Dostoyevsky in its complexity. " --Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST
The Invisible: "It probably seemed layered and complex when the writers were stoned. " -- Luke Y. Thompson, LA Weekly
Slow Burn: "Nothing is what it seems ... unless it seems cheesy." --Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST
And, because Kyle Smith was on a roll this week, Lucky You: "An announcer calling a climactic poker match uses a Texas hold 'em term frequently, saying, 'And the flop. And the flop. And the flop.' Heck, this movie reviews itself." -- Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST
May 03, 2007
And Now For Something Completely The Same ...
I just saw a commercial on CNN. "50 Years Of Pop Culture," it said, "Thursday on CNN."
Either they are airing an hour-long retrospective on the last 50 years of pop culture, or, from today forward, they are going to spend 50 years focusing on pop culture. The latter would probably be easier for them, as it would require no change of format.
"The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter has been established, but who will become her pediatric dentist? Anderson Cooper investigates ... tonight!"
The US says it has killed yet another "senior al-Qaida leader". Not bin Laden, someone a few boxes down on the org chart.
You can tell that the folks running this war have spent their entire lives in politics or the military. If they had spent some time in the business world, they'd know that the quickest way to cripple an organization is to increase its ranks of middle-management, not thin them.
Instead of firing laser-guided missiles at these guys, we should be sending them laser pointers and complementary copies of Powerpoint.
May 02, 2007
Pitchforks And Permalinks
As the previous post illustrates, "blog" is pretty much just "mob" spelled backwards.
i saw u (redux)