Remember how Larry would always burst into Jack's apartment unannounced on "Three's Company"? That's what great, pet-related ideas have been doing to my head in the last week or so. Check out these two sure-fire winners:
Cat-A-Tonic 4000: My wife and I used to live in a noisy, urban apartment. We had so much trouble sleeping that we eventually bought one of those sound machines -- not the Miami kind, with Gloria Estafan, but the type that have, you know, a bunch of "soothing tones" to help lull you into slumber: White Noise, Ocean Waves, Babbling Brook, Crickets, etc.
But we recently bought a house, thereby trading one insomnia-inducing problem for another. Now we no longer have the noise, but we have since acquired a handful of squirrelly, nocturnal cats. They like to show up at 2:00 the morning, leap onto the bed, and tromp around like a marching band, or give our faces unexpected groomings. So while we no longer require the white noise, we now need something to keep the kitties at bay.
That's why I'm going to invent the Cat-A-Tonic 4000. It will work just like the traditional noise machine, except that, instead of quietly playing soothing noises, it will loudly play sounds designed to deter feline visitations. The five settings will be:
- Vacuum Cleaner
Coke Can Full of Pennies
Water SpritzerAlso, every fifteen minutes it will bark. Land of Nod, here I come!
Heroin Chew toys: Some friends of mine recently got a puppy that immediately ran away. It's kind of a long story, involving loose collars, thunder, and a Nick At Night "Joanni Loves Chachi" Marathon; suffice to say, the dog ran away and my friends were worried sick for days. They kept putting his food bowl out in the back yard but he didn't return until, like, six days later, when he finally hungry enought to come home.
So in the interest of preventing this kind of tragedy from befalling others, I immediately applied by parsnip-like intellect to this vexing problem. What would prevent a dog from running away for a full week, asked I. And the answer was so obvious that I'm amazed that you, personally, hadn't already thought of it: a heroin addiction. That's where heroin chew toys come in. If your puppy runs away, he's guaranteed to be back on your doorstep, strung-out and whining for a fix by the end of the day. And this works a lot better than food as a Canine Retention Tool, because while a hungry dog can scavenge or eat (o)possums or whatever, a heroin addicted dog has no choice but to go home, unless you live in downtown Seattle, in which case your dog can get hooked up pretty much anywhere.
Wow, these ideas are so great that I am already rich!!October 23, 2002
America's Favorite Snack Just Got Favoriter!This summer, people across the nation thrilled to the taste-sensation of the Deep-Fried Twinkie. But that fad is so last-August. Americans want something newer, something bigger, something that takes deep-frying to the edge and then over the edge and then across a verdant meadow and right up to a second, edgier edge.That's why Adipose Industries (a child corporation of defective yeti Foods and Lockheed Martin Aeronautics) is pleased to introduce
Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies!
And Coming Soon from Adipose Industries: Chocolate-Covered Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies Pork-Flavored Chocolate-Covered Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies Deep-Fried Pork-Flavored Chocolate-Covered Deep-Fried Deep-Fried TwinkiesAdipose Industries' revolutionary secret process is to take a traditional deep-fried Twinkie and deep-fry it, adding a patented second layer of oil and batter to this already delicious, nutrient-free treat! You'd have to eat 730 bowls of Total to get the same caloric content as a single Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkie-- that's enough energy to power your SUV to the moon ... and back!But don't just take our word for it: "American Glutton Monthly" ranked the Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkie #4 in their 2002 "Excellence In Corpulence" issue! And "Eating Well" magazine called it "an abhorrence"!So drive, don't run, to your nearest county fair, and experience all the seizure-inducing excitement this fat-tactular snack has to offer!
Deep-Fried Deep-Fried Twinkies It's like Armageddon ... For Your Mouth!October 16, 2002
#733 In A Series
At my library, on the "New Arrivals" shelf, I noticed yesterday that they now carry The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Golf.
Gimmie a break. What's next?AA Is For Another AlibiFurry Love: The RulesEnder's PancreasLonely Planet Guide: AntarticaDrunken Groping (Silhouette Intimate Moments, No. 1179)Starfleet Retirement Community #14: Sulu Checks InChicken Soup For Martin Danderson of Kentdale, Iowa's SoulMars Won't Ask For Directions, Venus Loves To Shop: More Explorations Into Gender StereotypingThe Darwin Awards XXIV: More Dumb People! Dying!The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Played-Out Franchise Book Themes (Step one: "Don't panic! No one will read the 72nd or 73rd book in the series, but that doesn't mean a publisher won't buy them.")Update: Rory reminds me that, when it comes to marketing, you can never assume that an idea is so absurd that it doesn't actually exist.October 01, 2002
defective yeti's Daily Affirmations For Dogs
Wednesday, October 1st: "Who's a good dog? Who's a good doggy dog? Is it me? Is it me? Yes it is! I'm a good dog! I'm a good snookie-wookie doggity dog! Yes I am! Do I want a tummy rub? Do I want a tum-tum-tummy rub? Yes I do! Yes I do!"September 25, 2002
Down In The Mouth
I have a dentist's appointment tomorrow. I hate the dentist. The thing I dislike the most about going to the dentist, aside from the dentistry, is that I learn unpleasant things about myself. Like the fact that, apparently, I never floss. And that if I were to be captured by The Enemy and tortured, I'd confess everything inside of 60 seconds.The Enemy: Where are your loved ones hiding?Me: I'll never tell!The Enemy: Okay. Before we begin I'm going to put this tube in the corner of your mouth; it will gently vacuum up any excess saliva that --Me: Basement of Pizza Hut, 65th and Harrison Ave.At least in the old days I would get prize for making it through my visits without shrieking. Did you? The "Children's Dentist" I was dragged to as a child had two big things going for it: (1) the dentist would wear a surgical mask which made the lower half of his face look like a big cartoony basset hound (this was a lot less nightmare-inducing than it sounds), and (2) after all the unpleasantry you would get to root around in a big cardboard treasure chest and pick out a toy -- a small plastic sword or a fake hook-hand -- from amongst the hundreds of previously passed-over packages of sugarless gum. (I'm not sure what the deal was with the pirate theme; perhaps because, at this point, all you could say was "Arrrgh arrr arrrghr.") Sure the toy was inevitably some cheap piece of crap that would break the first time you hit your sister with it, but even that would be better than the "Remember to Brush!" emblazoned $0.65 toothbrush they give me now.The first person who starts an "Adult's Dentist" practice is going to make a killing: knowing there's a treasure chest full of Nirvana mix tapes, Warcraft III demo disks and girlie magazines (or IKEA catalogs, for the ladies) waiting for you at the end would make any dentist visit more bearable for we Gen X'ers, where X > 29. Million dollar idea, right there. I'd do it myself, but becoming a dentist would leave me with no excuse not to floss.September 24, 2002
Pump Up The Volume
I love how the commercials on tv are, like, twice as loud as the programs they interrupt. "Stayed tuned and find out who Melissa chooses, next on Fifth Wheel. THINKING OF REFINANCING!? NOW'S THE TIME!!!"
What a great idea! I'm going to do this from now on, double my volume whenever I am engaged in self-promotion.Me: Hey, how are you doing?Girl at Party: Fine, thanks. And you?Me: Doin' alright. I'm Matthew, by the way.Girl: Nice to meet you, Matthew. I'm Cheryl.Me: Pretty good party, huh? I noticed you were over here looking over Paul's CD collection. Are you a big music fan?Girl: Uh-huh, totally.Me: I'm a huge music aficionado myself. I mean, I DON'T LIKE THAT POPULAR CRAP THEY PLAY ON THE RADIOS, I'M INTO INDEPENDENT MUSIC!!Girl: I, uh, whoa. Yeah, uh, Indie stuff rules. So do you like, ah, The Strokes?Me: Not any more, but I USED TO LIKE THEM BEFORE THEY SOLD OUT!!Girl: Oh, right. But the video is cool.Me: I wouldn't know, since I DON'T HAVE A TV!! Hey, that's a nice jacket you're wearing.Girl: Oh yeah, you like it? I got it at a thrift store, believe it or not.Me: I buy a lot of my stuff from thrift stores too, SINCE I REFUSE TO PATRONIZE McCORPORATIONS LIKE THE GAP!!! I AM AGAINST GLOBALIZATION!!! AND SUVS!!!!Girl: Do you realize you are shouting?Me: You may have SEEN ME ON THE NEWS during the Seattle WTO uprising. I was THE GUY WITH THE BIG PUPPETS!! Or maybe you saw MY ARTICLE DENOUNCING THE WTO that was PUBLISHED IN THE SEATTLE ANARCHISTS QUARTERLY ZINE!! As a matter of fact, I'm using that essay as a starting point for THE SCREENPLAY THAT I AM WRITING!!Girl: People are starting to stare.Me: It must be my STARTLINGLY GOOD LOOKS!!!! HERE'S MY PHONE NUMBER!!!Hey, that reminds me: this post was MENTIONED IN THE GUARDIAN, ENGLAND'S SECOND LARGEST NEWSPAPER!!!!!!!!!!*. Thanks to Rory for the scan.* Several readers have informed me that the "England's second-largest newspaper" bit is a lie. I have informed several readers that I don't care.August 29, 2002
The First Law of Soft Drink Quality
The tastiness of a soft drink decreases in direct porportion to the number of adjectives in its name.SpriteGoodVanilla CokeNot So GoodDiet Pepsi BlueBadOld Fashioned Sodium-free Kiwi Strawberry Cream FantaAh, noQED.August 08, 2002
Great Name For a Blog
Speaking of which, here's a great name for a blog: "Interview With a Vamp's Ire".
No, wait! Wait! You didn't use it, did you? I just realized that that's a completely stupid name for a blog! Oh no, you did? You already used it? You already named your blog "Interview With a Vamp's Ire" and registered interviewwithavampsire.com and publicized the whole thing on BlogSnob? Ah geeze, I'm sorry. Man, it seemed really funny when I thought it up.July 19, 2002
I have a great idea for a reality show: American Idle. Each episode will showcase 10 real Americans sitting around inertly, eating Bugles, and watching tv. Viewers can call up and vote for one of the contestants, and whomever receives the most votes has to go outside and run around the block a few times.
Give me a call, FOX: I'll let this one go for a song.May 15, 2002
Hey CNN, here's some news for you: your Crossfire show is duller than televised chess! You got a couple of right-wingers and a couple of left-wingers "discussing" the most polarizing topics imaginable, so that no one, over the course of the hour, says anything other than what you'd expect. James Carville thinks we're not doing enough to combat greenhouse gasses?! And Robert Novak thinks that the evidence for global warming is inconclusive?! Oh my stars and garters, who could have guessed?!!
Fortunately, I got your fix right here. Three simple steps:
- Rename the show "Rapid-Fire!" That exclaimation point is important, so don't leave it out.
- Reduce the length of the show from 60 minutes to one.
- Allow each pundit only one second and one word to address each issue.
Moderator: Hello, and welcome to Rapid-Fire! Gentlemen, if you're ready we'll start the clock and begin. Drilling in Alaska!
Moderator: Middle-East Conflict!
Moderator: Worst president ever!
Moderator: Finest president in history!
Moderator: Each other!
Moderator: Time! This has been Rapid-Fire!
There's a show worth watchin'.April 11, 2002
Here's a couple of million-dollar ideas, free for the using.
Supermarket Karaoke What do they play over the sound system at the grocery store? Brown-eyed Girl. My Heart Will Go On. Crazy. Desperado. In essence, the guys at the local Safeway are playing "The Best of the Karaoke Standards, Volume I". Well why not just make it official by putting a small stage and some spotlights in the produce section? Hell, they already have that intercom in place, so, really, this would require very little additional equipment. And between songs the bagboy / DJ could make requests for more cashiers and price checks on Triskets. It's a win-win-win scheme, really -- well, until someone sings "Bust a Move," I guess.
Latchkey Kitty Soap Operas Like many cats in America, my Louie is a Latchkey Kitty -- my wife and I leave him alone from nine to five every day while we're away at work. We read somewhere that cats like the sound of voices when left alone, so we leave NPR on all day. (I don't know if he really cares, but I do know that he's now much better versed in the Middle East conflict and the Catholic priesthood scandal than either of us.) But what would be really great is if someone would make Kitty Cat Soap Operas: Hour-long dramas that intertwine a number of cat-related plotlines. And since cats are creatures of simple needs, you wouldn't even need a script writer, you could just depict cats doing the seven things that cats do. In one of the stories you could show a cat slowly creeping up on a bird over the course of the hour and making the kill in the triumphant finale; in a second you could show a cat playing with some tinfoil; a third could just be shots of a cat sleeping on a radiator. Best of all, since cats crave routine and are devoid of memory, you could just show the same episode each and every day. You could even have a racier nighttime version with a "mating" subplot that unfixed cats could watch after their people have gone to bed. Line up some cat food and kitty litter advertisers and you've got yourself a show! (Although the ads might only be effective on those cats who do the household shopping, which I suspect isn't very many. Hmm. This idea may have a flaw.)March 28, 2002
You a should give me a lot of money, because I have an absolutely fabulous idea for a business. Now, I know the heyday of Venture Capital is pretty much over, but you should nonetheless invest heavily in this scheme. Why? Because unlike the multitude of hare-brained, half-baked, poorly-thought-out ideas that swarmed yesteryear like stray cats on a dumpster full of albacore, this particular idea absolutely cannot fail!
It's called: Crap2Storage.com. See? You love it already.
Ask yourself: what's the typical lifecycle of Crap in the United States? (And you know what I mean by Crap: Yoga videos, bread makers, double matted art prints of cheetahs, musical picture frames ... all that stuff that you see on tv or glimpse on a website or spot in a catalog or find in the checkout lane of a supermarket and, without thinking, buy.) Well, I'll tell you what happens to this stuff. It arrives at your home, and you set it on a kitchen counter, and then a month later you put it in a drawer or closet, and then seventeen years later you haul it off to a storage unit. And why shouldn't you? It's the American way.
But what a hassle -- not to mention a waste of space! Unpacking the UPS boxes from Amazon.com is a chore, and taking carload after carload of Crap to your storage unit can really eat away at your valuable time. That's where Crap2Storage.com comes in. Instead of buying that battery-operated self-cleaning litter box directly from the retailer, you will instead place the order with me. I'll then order the item on your behalf, unpack it when it arrives, and drive it directly to your storage unit! No muss, no fuss! Then I'll send you an email letting you know that your brand new six-pack of passionfruit-scented candles are right where they were eventually going to wind up anyhow: at U-Stor. And I'll do it all for a mere $12 per transaction.
Plus, I'll also set up a sister company called Crap2Charity.com for those bleeding-heart types. It will work exactly the same way, except I will take the Crap to local thrift stores.
Please make million-dollar checks out to "Matthew Baldwin." That's "Matthew" with two-Ts.February 25, 2002
Gimmie a Dipshit Sprite
I am fascinated by the psychology of movie theater soda sales. At the core of the issue is one single, indisputable fact: movie theaters want you to pay as much as possible for your soda. I don't mean "they want you to pay as much as possible per ounce," oh no, I mean they want the total sum of moolah you fork over to be as great as possible. Because, frankly, they don't give a flying yodel how much soda you receive in return for your cash. These guys pay, like, thirteen cents per cubic kilometer of soda syrup, and they could probably give it away for free and still make a profit. It's of little concern to them whether you get 8 oz. or 128 oz., as long as your total expenditure is as large as possible.
So a crack team of movie theater psychologists figured out the absolute maximum amount of money an average person will pay for soda, an amount that is currently somewhere around $6.00 or so. Then they figured out how much soda the person would have to receive in return for this outlay to feel like they had made a justifiable purchase, and that worked out to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 52 ounces. And with that they established their "Jumbo" -- 52 oz. of soda for six bucks.
Of course nobody in their right mind would actually desire 52 oz. of soda without some sort of coercion, so here's what they did. The made the "Large" 32 oz, and priced it at $5.50, and made the Medium 24 oz. and priced it at $5.00, and made the "Small" 12 oz. and priced it at $4.50. So you're standing there in line and you're thinking "Jeeze, all I really want is 12 oz. of soda, but for only $1.50 more I can get the Jumbo which contains over four times the volume of the Small!! I'd be a complete mooncalf not to jump at that deal!"
Now I've noticed that some local theaters have taken the next step in this process by eliminating the "Small" altogether, and instead calling the 12 oz soda "Child" -- never mind that no child should ever ingest 12 oz. of Surge in less than a fortnight. So if the phony economics don't talk you out of buying the smallest drink, you will also have to overcome the shame of ordering yourself a "Child-size Mr. Pibb". I think they should just run with this idea and rename all the sizes with derogatory names. Twelve oz. could be the "Asshole," 24 oz. could be the "Dipshit", 32 oz. could be the "Skinflint Pansyboy Who Can Only Drink 32 Oz. of Cola" and 52 oz. could be a "Large". It's gonna happen sooner or later, so they may as well get it over with.February 15, 2002
24-Hour Give-Birth Diet
Defective Yeti's Amazing 24-Hour Give-Birth Diet
Lose up to 10 lbs in just one day -- AND KEEP IT OFF!!!!!!
Have you been slowly accumulating weight over the last year? Do you have to buy your clothing in special shops that cater to persons with large abdomens? Do you routinely eat entire jars of garlic stuffed olives -- WE KNOW YOU DO, DON'T LIE!!! Then you need to lose that weight -- AND KEEP IT OFF!!!
That's where Defective Yeti's Amazing 24-Hour Give-Birth Diet comes in! By simply following our program, you could lose up to 10 pounds -- MAYBE MORE -- in just one day! Our diet has been so wildly popular amongst movie stars and other beautiful people that we've had to keep it a total secret -- UNTIL NOW!!
And safe? Hoo-boy, don't even TALK to us about safe!!! Giving birth is an all-natural, homeopathic method of weight-loss that has been used for over a hundred of years by literally millions of cultures! Our program has you under the direct supervision of a trained medical doctor M.D. during the entire weight-loss process.
Best of all, Defective Yeti's Amazing 24-Hour Give-Birth Diet is easy: no complicated foods to eat or numbers to add -- just follow these three easy-to-follow steps and let NATURE DO THE REST!!!
- Send us your non-refundable* $19.95 entry fee and we will send you, free of charge, an information packet letting you know if you qualify for this AMAZING WEIGHT-LOSS PROGRAM!!**
- Take the necessary steps to prepare for your INCREDIBLE DAY OF WEIGHT-LOSS!!!***
- Give birth and TAKE THOSE POUNDS OFF FOR GOOD!!!!!
"Thanks to Defective Yeti's Amazing Child-Birth Diet,I lost 8 pounds in seven hours AND gained an additional tax deduction!!"- Marian Smoot,
"I ... lost .... 10 pounds .. on this ... diet ... !"- Kevin Parker,
"The Truth About Diet Scams",
Wall Street Journal
"Spectatular, an emotional roller-coaster! [Defective Yeti's Amazing Child-Birth Diet] is, without a doubt, the best [diet] of the year!"- Roger Ebert,Chicago Sun TimesWhat are you waiting for??!! WELL?!!!
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Watch for our informative email, coming your way several times in the next week!!
Defective Yeti's Amazing 48-Hour Give-Birth Diet has always been a USA loving company, even before you-know-what!! Tell the operator that you love America and receive $1 off!! INDIVISIBLE WE STAND!!!
The statements contained herein have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and are false. * Non-refundable fee is 100% non-refundable. ** Not all sexes will qualify for program. *** Preparation make take as long as nine months.February 10, 2002
Incidentally, if you're an aspiring but frustrated comic book writer in search of inspiration, here's some great ideas I have for for some new superhero titles:
January 26, 2002
- The Flabbergasting Adventures of Kit and Caboodle
- The Taste Buddies: Salty Dog, The Sweetheart, Bitter Pill and Sour Puss
- Induration and Erythema vs. The Lesion of Doom
- Janet and the Reno-vators
- Interminable Tales of Calvin Judder, A Guy Who Really Likes Watching Antique Roadshow
- The Justice League of God, Starring The CataKiller, Sergent Stiffneck, Salmon-Man and Christina the Astonishing!
Chindogu is the art of creating almost useless objects. That is, an invention that at first seems like a great idea, but, upon further reflection, reveals itself as more trouble than it's worth. For examples, check out the Internation Chindogu Society, where you can find such speciments as the backscratcher's t-shirt and the portable crosswalk.
Here's one I just came up with: a tiny toilet roll dispenser, about an 1.5" across, and paper rolls of a corresponding size. This would be mounted next to your sink. Then, after shaving, a gentleman can tear off tiny 1" x 1" squares of tissue to apply to his various cuts and nicks.
If the idea of chindogu appeals to you, I simply cannot recommend 101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions : The Art of Chindogu too highly.