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February 26, 2009

Beer -> Goggles

I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.

But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn't too high ... no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I'm wearing when I wake.

Wake Up WearingBAC
Socks0.05
Pants0.10
Jacket and shoes0.15
Axe Bodyspray0.18
No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever0.20
Boxer shorts (not own)0.22
Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson0.24
Half-eaten nacho hat0.26
Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove0.28
Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe0.30
Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara0.33
Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet0.38
Wheedle costume0.38
Sheet, identifying tag0.40

Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I'd done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied "how about stop?")

Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:

Wake Up WearingBACAll-Around Great Person
Torn karate outfit / peanut butter stains0.17pfostpfilms
Mesh sleeveless shirt0.183bklynjudith
Full beard0.20savagegus
Eye shadow0.22wendelldotme
Jodhpurs and gold lame' blouse0.25golux13
Nadya Suleman0.30illonia
"I voted for G.W. Bush" buttonAlcohol poisoningcybersherpa
Raccoon blood on pillow*Nick Noltechilcote

* Not really something worn, but the judges will allow it.

If you have a suggestion, reply to this Tweet.

December 19, 2008

Christmas Carol Errata

Little Drummer Boy
As infants rarely exhibit social response behavior until the sixth week of life, it is unlikely that Jesus was truly smiling at the little drummer boy. We now believe that the son of man was experiencing gas.


Frosty the Snowman
Due to trends in global climate change, Frosty's vow to "be back again some day" can no longer be guaranteed.


Angels We Have Heard on High
Note that this song only provides a partial list of things heard on high. Others include the Phish "Junta" album and the incessant crinkle of a Funyuns bag.


What Child Is This?
The child has been determined to be Jake Keenan of Great Falls, Montana. If someone could let his folks know that he's here, that would be great.


Christmas is Coming
Since 1997 the donation amount suggested by this song has been adjusted annually for inflation. Given the recent economic meltdown however, this year the old man will again be accepting pennies and ha'pennies.


Silent Night
Just to clarify, the directive to "sleep in heavenly peace" was intended for the holy infant only. It is well-known that the parents of a newborn can expect no sleep whatsoever for a minimum of seven months, especially when people keep showing up at all hours of the night bearing myrrh.


Feliz Navidad
Please disregard all previous errata for this song. Apparently it is in Spanish.


Let It Snow
This song may erroneously lead the listener to believe that snow is a enjoyable and desired meteorological phenomenon. In fact, it is a huge fucking pain in the ass. We regret the error.

June 03, 2008

Show Us Your Tweets!

Spent the last two weeks in the weeds at work, with no one to blame but myself. And this coincided with my discovery that Twitter is actually pretty fun. Thus, I spent the latter half of May writing 140-character posts over there instead of 800-word posts over here.

When Twitter was all the rage a year ago, I was mystified by it's appeal. For those unawares, Twitter is / was supposedly a mechanism by which you could keep friends appraised of your current activities. You fill out a field entitled "What are you doing?" at the top of the Twitter website, hit update, and your status is sent to your friends in the form of an update to their twitter feed, a message to their IM client, or a text to their cell phone. Thus, you get a up-to-the-second running commentary on what all your acquaintances are up to.

Which raises the question: who the the hell would want that? I prefer to have no object permanence concerning my friends, content to believe that they only truly exist when in my company.

Fortunately, some jokers figured out that Twitter is the near perfect medium for one-liners and, if you set up your feed correctly, you can have unlimited wit of the "brevity is the soul of" variety at your disposal . (Or, as Kottke recently put it, "My Twitter friends stream is ... open mic night at the Comedy Barn.").

Naturally, I was compelled to join in the merriment. Here are some of my recent Tweets:

  • Say what you will about Jeffrey Dahmer, at least he didn't murder people and eat them. Oh, he did? Well, I'm sure it was just a few.
  • On last night's date I got to third base. She was enjoying the game until then--I probably should have warned her I was going to streak.
  • Strange how "sweetheart" is a term of endearment while "candy-ass" is an insult. Maybe they mean like John Candy.
  • Why can we put a man on the moon but not make a cereal box that stays closed? It was? Totally faked? Well, I guess that explains it.
  • So far the Bee Gees have been true to their word, vis a vis "Staying Alive." Except for Maurice, the quitter.
  • Trying to keep this meeting on point is like trying to catch a feral opossum with a plastic grocery bag.
  • Thank god potty training is almost over. And after I polish my aim a bit I can start teaching it to the kid.
  • How sunblock works: (1) lotion clogs facial pores; (2) angry red acne disguises sunburn.
  • Waking up on the morning after a scorching Seattle day is like the Big Reveal on a game show entitled "Who Wants A Disfiguring Sunburn."

  • Wanted to buy antiseptic mouthwash, bought antisemitic mouthwash by mistake. What dope stocked them next to each other? Probably a jew.
  • Attn aspiring writers: the dialog "you clean up good" is now required in every narrative, be it novel, movie, tv show, or cookie fortune.
  • My counterfeiting operation unraveled when I paid for a Hummer with 63,000 singles. Washington is the only one whose nose I can get right!
  • The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place.
  • Joe Lieberman is like a wolf in sheep's clothing doing a strip tease.
  • Dieting tip: put a bowl of fruit in your office at work. After a few weeks, the stench of rotting produce will really curb your appetite..
  • Forgot the Alamo BUT JUST FOR LIKE A SECOND I SWEAR!!
  • I bet Americans would buy a lot more durable goods if we called them durable GREATS!
  • New life ambition: to be posthumously remembered as the world's finest cattle portraitist.
  • I like that Twitter's 140-character limits encourages eloquence--brevity is the soul of wit, after all--but too often it also prevents me fr

  • I love you. But I'm not IN love with you. But I AM in a 30-year mortgage with you. And that's what makes this so difficult.
  • Mighty Girl should write a book for the Twitter age entitled "No One Cares What You Ate Thirty-Seven Seconds Ago."
Sadly, my ability to crack wise in 140-characters is paltry compared to the seasoned pros. If you want to set up your own Cavalcade O' Comedy, get a twitter account and start with these fine folks: hotdogsladies, scottsimpson, lonelysandwich, fireland, & AinsleyofAttack. Or just peruse my favorites.

The website also inspired me to make this:

Bitter

Wow, it's amazing the way I can just think up a joke like that, two months after the referenced event has passed!

January 29, 2008

What X is For, According to Squiggle's Reading Primers Written by Authors Who Apparently Dismissed "Xylophone" as Hackneyed

X-Ray
Xmas
Xenon
Xebec
Xenops
Xenurus
X Marks the Spot
X'es
"Multiply"
Fox

[ link | Lists]


November 13, 2007

Seven Of My Online Forum Images, Taken Out Of Context

I am terrible with Photoshop, but, alas, that doesn't stop me from wielding it on occasion. Here are some images that, at some point or another, I hastily whipped up and inserted into a forum conversation.

Portable Media Players = Thinly Disguised Plot For World Domination

* * *

I AR

* * *

Tell Me More

* * *

Cherish

* * *

I Support!

* * *

That's No Moon

* * *

Attn. All

See also: Fifteen Of My Metafilter Comments, Taken Out Of Context, Fifteen Of My Online Forum Comments, Taken Out Of Context.

September 17, 2007

Second Ally To The Right, And Straight On 'Til Morning

In his recent speech on Iraq, Bush said "We thank the 36 nations who have troops on the ground in Iraq and the many others who are helping that young democracy."

This assertion--that there are as many as 36 nations aiding in the Iraqi war--has some calling the President delusional. Aside from the US and the United Kingdom, who else is really involved?

Responding to those who question his grip on reality, Bush today enumerated all 36 countires:

  • United Kingdom
  • Australia
  • Ukraine
  • Poland (don't forget!)
  • Denmark
  • South Korea
  • Japan
  • Czech Republic
  • Macedonia
  • Bosnia and Herzegovina
  • Latveria
  • El Salvador
  • Slovakia
  • Narnia
  • Kazakhstan
  • Bulgaria
  • Romania
  • Estonia
  • Quendor
  • The Shire
  • Armenia
  • Azerbaijan
  • United Federation of Planets
  • Cimmeria
  • Mongolia
  • Sodor
  • Singapore
  • Dagobah
  • Oz
  • Mypos
  • Brobdingnag
  • Albania
  • Loompaland
  • Where The Wild Things Are
  • Lithuania
  • Mario World 2-3

Bush added that these allies are also aiding us in our struggle against Eastasia, with whom we have always been at war.

[ link | Lists]


August 09, 2007

Fifteen Of My Online Forum Comments, Taken Out Of Context
  • Supermarket sushi is just a scam to get you to buy supermarket Maalox.
  • The Wonderbra has brought more joy to my life than any other modern invention.
  • Interview tips: Make or three or four oblique references to your pathological enthusiasm for Cookie Crisp cereal. About six minutes into the interview cut the interviewer off mid-sentence with "look, if you're not going to hire me just say so now and stop wasting my time." Enclose every mention of your skills, experience, and education in airquotes.
  • Spousal apology: "I'm sorry you totally overreacted to that thing I did."
  • I just watched The Descent!

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    It's dumb.

  • Q: How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: THATS RACIST!!!!
  • I have yet to hear an argument against public breastfeeding that can't be boiled down to "it simply isn't done!"
  • I'm sure If I Did It is just the first of a series of books, in which an assortment of c-level celebrities recount how they would have killed Nicole Simpson. The next one will be written by Al Molinaro.
  • To be fair, there was no way I could have known that charcoal briquettes were inedible.
  • If you receive all three of your Netflix movies on the same day, you win the company. Little known fact. It's already changed hands four times.
  • When I see an attractive woman, I will usually follow her for a while, hoping that she will almost get hit by a car so I can rush over, push her to safety, and be a hero. If that doesn't work I generally get in my own car and almost hit her myself, as a service to other potential suitors.
  • We tried attachment parenting for a while; now we're giving detachment a whirl.
  • I used to think that democracy was a pretty good idea, until the Washington State Voter's Initiative System taught me otherwise.
  • I've known a few people with bunnies. My general impression is that the "interesting companion to upkeep" ratio is skewed towards the latter--not that they require a lot of work, just that they aren't terribly engaging. That said, I like the idea of a pet you could conceivably eat if things turn sour.
  • You should start a blog so we can all not read it.
See also: Fifteen Of My Metafilter Comments, Taken Out Of Context

July 09, 2007

Certainties
  • Death
  • Taxes
  • If you look at one of those big, digital clocks on the side of banks--you know, the kind that alternate between the time and temperature?--it will be displaying whichever statistic you are not currently trying to ascertain.

[ link | Lists]


June 22, 2007

Bradys, Half Off

Sony has launched the Minisode Network, a new service airing abridged versions of classic 70's an 80's TV shows.

Here is a selection of the programs, which have been given new titles that better reflect the scaled-back subject matter.

  • One's Company
  • Green Yardage
  • Anecdotes of Life
  • The Odd Single
  • The Eight Hundred and Fifty Dollar Man
  • Fantasy Landing Strip
  • Narcissistic Joanie
  • Who's the Middle-Manager?
  • Space: 1973
  • Married ... And Childless
  • The Wonder Month
  • Littler House on the Prairie
  • Charlie's Angel
  • Above-Average Strangers
  • Knight Ambler
  • Starsky

Update: It Came From the Comments!

  • The Mary Tyler Show (Lung the Younger )
  • The Moderately OK Hulk (Jay)
  • Star Stroll - The Immediate Family (Mike)
  • Murder, She Summarized (LAN3)
  • The Stainless Steel Girls (Karen)
  • Peak (braine)
June 05, 2007

Forthcoming Sylvester Stallone Films, Following the Success of Rocky Balboa

John Rambo (2008)
Sheriff Freddy Heflin (2009)
Judge Joseph Dredd (2009)
Sargeant Joe Bomowski (2010)
Raymond Tango (2011)
Lincoln Hawk (2011)
Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti (2011)
Nick Martinelli (2012)
Young Man In Crowd (2013)
Extra/Man Dancing In Club (2013)
Italian Stallion (2014)

[ link | Lists]


May 04, 2007

Residents of Old MacDonald's Farm as Inventoried by My Three Year-Old Son, Who, as the Song Wore On, Found it Increasingly Difficult to Avoid Repetition

A dog
A cat
A pig
A cow
A horse
A sheep
A goat
A chicken
A bunny
A duck
A rooster
A bird
A turkey
A crow
An owl
A mouse
A fish
A snake
A bear
An elephant
A cricket
A baby
A pirate
A robot
A chicken nugget
A hot dog
Applesauce
An octagon

April 17, 2007

U.S. Capitols Cities, Had All States Followed North Dakota's Example and Named Them After Types of Donuts

Cruller, Alabama
Jelly-Filled, Alaska
Bavarian, Arizona
Apple Fritter, Arkansas
Brown Bobby, California
Sugar, Colorado
Nut Top, Connecticut
Old Fashioned, Delaware
Cheese Danish, Florida
Hush Puppy, Georgia
Malasada, Hawaii
Eclair, Idaho
Frosted, Illinois
Timbits, Indiana
Golden Puff, Iowa
Koeksuster, Kansas
Yum-Yum, Kentucky
Beignet, Louisiana
Buttermilk, Maine
Krafne, Maryland
Boston Cream, Massachusetts
Lassie Loop, Michigan
Cinnamon Twist, Minnesota
Crumb, Mississippi
Maple Bar, Missouri
Bear Claw, Montana
Beaver Tail, Nebraska
Cake, Nevada
Blueberry Crisp, New Hampshire
Berliner, New Jersey
Churro, New Mexico
Devils Food, New York
Zeppole, North Carolina
Raised, Ohio
Elephant Ear, Oklahoma
Pretzel-Shaped, Oregon
Fastnacht, Pennsylvania
Chocolate Log, Rhode Island
Custard, South Carolina
Powdered, South Dakota
Creme Horn, Tennessee
Texan-Style, Texas
Olicook, Utah
Rainbow Sprinkle, Vermont
Paczki, Virginia
Frying Saucers, Washington
Glazed, West Virginia
Pershing, Wisconsin
Hole, Wyoming

April 09, 2007

Job Titles You Could Put in the "Occupation" Field of Your Tax Return to Exact Some Small Measure of Revenge on a Random IRS Employee by Getting an Irritating Song Stuck in His or Her Head

Paperback Writer
Cradle of Love Rocker
Country Boy (thank god!)
Business Caretaker
Smooth Operator
Smooth Criminal
Move Buster
Mr. Tally Man
Pack Leader
Careless Whisperer
Thriller
Boy of Summer
Tiny Dancer
Tambourine Man
Yellow Submariner
Banjo Dueler
Right To Party Advocate
Lover (part-time)
Tubthumper
Kung Fu Fighter
Guy who wrote the jingle for the "Kit-Kat" commericals
Dancing Queen
Port Commissioner of Funkytown
Sexual Healer
Eggman / Walrus

[ link | Lists]


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