February 26, 2009
Beer -> Goggles
I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.
But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn't too high ... no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I'm wearing when I wake.
|Wake Up Wearing||BAC|
|Jacket and shoes||0.15|
|No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever||0.20|
|Boxer shorts (not own)||0.22|
|Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson||0.24|
|Half-eaten nacho hat||0.26|
|Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove||0.28|
|Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe||0.30|
|Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara||0.33|
|Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet||0.38|
|Sheet, identifying tag||0.40|
Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I'd done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied "how about stop?")
Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:
If you have a suggestion, reply to this Tweet.
December 19, 2008
Christmas Carol Errata
Little Drummer Boy
As infants rarely exhibit social response behavior until the sixth week of life, it is unlikely that Jesus was truly smiling at the little drummer boy. We now believe that the son of man was experiencing gas.
Frosty the Snowman
Due to trends in global climate change, Frosty's vow to "be back again some day" can no longer be guaranteed.
Angels We Have Heard on High
Note that this song only provides a partial list of things heard on high. Others include the Phish "Junta" album and the incessant crinkle of a Funyuns bag.
What Child Is This?
The child has been determined to be Jake Keenan of Great Falls, Montana. If someone could let his folks know that he's here, that would be great.
Christmas is Coming
Since 1997 the donation amount suggested by this song has been adjusted annually for inflation. Given the recent economic meltdown however, this year the old man will again be accepting pennies and ha'pennies.
Just to clarify, the directive to "sleep in heavenly peace" was intended for the holy infant only. It is well-known that the parents of a newborn can expect no sleep whatsoever for a minimum of seven months, especially when people keep showing up at all hours of the night bearing myrrh.
Please disregard all previous errata for this song. Apparently it is in Spanish.
Let It Snow
This song may erroneously lead the listener to believe that snow is a enjoyable and desired meteorological phenomenon. In fact, it is a huge fucking pain in the ass. We regret the error.
June 03, 2008
Show Us Your Tweets!
Spent the last two weeks in the weeds at work, with no one to blame but myself. And this coincided with my discovery that Twitter is actually pretty fun. Thus, I spent the latter half of May writing 140-character posts over there instead of 800-word posts over here.
When Twitter was all the rage a year ago, I was mystified by it's appeal. For those unawares, Twitter is / was supposedly a mechanism by which you could keep friends appraised of your current activities. You fill out a field entitled "What are you doing?" at the top of the Twitter website, hit update, and your status is sent to your friends in the form of an update to their twitter feed, a message to their IM client, or a text to their cell phone. Thus, you get a up-to-the-second running commentary on what all your acquaintances are up to.
Which raises the question: who the the hell would want that? I prefer to have no object permanence concerning my friends, content to believe that they only truly exist when in my company.
Fortunately, some jokers figured out that Twitter is the near perfect medium for one-liners and, if you set up your feed correctly, you can have unlimited wit of the "brevity is the soul of" variety at your disposal . (Or, as Kottke recently put it, "My Twitter friends stream is ... open mic night at the Comedy Barn.").
Naturally, I was compelled to join in the merriment. Here are some of my recent Tweets:
Sadly, my ability to crack wise in 140-characters is paltry compared to the seasoned pros. If you want to set up your own Cavalcade O' Comedy, get a twitter account and start with these fine folks: hotdogsladies, scottsimpson, lonelysandwich, fireland, & AinsleyofAttack. Or just peruse my favorites.
- Say what you will about Jeffrey Dahmer, at least he didn't murder people and eat them. Oh, he did? Well, I'm sure it was just a few.
- On last night's date I got to third base. She was enjoying the game until then--I probably should have warned her I was going to streak.
- Strange how "sweetheart" is a term of endearment while "candy-ass" is an insult. Maybe they mean like John Candy.
- Why can we put a man on the moon but not make a cereal box that stays closed? It was? Totally faked? Well, I guess that explains it.
- So far the Bee Gees have been true to their word, vis a vis "Staying Alive." Except for Maurice, the quitter.
- Trying to keep this meeting on point is like trying to catch a feral opossum with a plastic grocery bag.
- Thank god potty training is almost over. And after I polish my aim a bit I can start teaching it to the kid.
- How sunblock works: (1) lotion clogs facial pores; (2) angry red acne disguises sunburn.
- Waking up on the morning after a scorching Seattle day is like the Big Reveal on a game show entitled "Who Wants A Disfiguring Sunburn."
- Wanted to buy antiseptic mouthwash, bought antisemitic mouthwash by mistake. What dope stocked them next to each other? Probably a jew.
- Attn aspiring writers: the dialog "you clean up good" is now required in every narrative, be it novel, movie, tv show, or cookie fortune.
- My counterfeiting operation unraveled when I paid for a Hummer with 63,000 singles. Washington is the only one whose nose I can get right!
- The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place.
- Joe Lieberman is like a wolf in sheep's clothing doing a strip tease.
- Dieting tip: put a bowl of fruit in your office at work. After a few weeks, the stench of rotting produce will really curb your appetite..
- Forgot the Alamo BUT JUST FOR LIKE A SECOND I SWEAR!!
- I bet Americans would buy a lot more durable goods if we called them durable GREATS!
- New life ambition: to be posthumously remembered as the world's finest cattle portraitist.
- I like that Twitter's 140-character limits encourages eloquence--brevity is the soul of wit, after all--but too often it also prevents me fr
- I love you. But I'm not IN love with you. But I AM in a 30-year mortgage with you. And that's what makes this so difficult.
- Mighty Girl should write a book for the Twitter age entitled "No One Cares What You Ate Thirty-Seven Seconds Ago."
The website also inspired me to make this:
Wow, it's amazing the way I can just think up a joke like that, two months after the referenced event has passed!
January 29, 2008
What X is For, According to Squiggle's Reading Primers Written by Authors Who Apparently Dismissed "Xylophone" as Hackneyed
X Marks the Spot
November 13, 2007
Seven Of My Online Forum Images, Taken Out Of Context
I am terrible with Photoshop, but, alas, that doesn't stop me from wielding it on occasion. Here are some images that, at some point or another, I hastily whipped up and inserted into a forum conversation.
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
See also: Fifteen Of My Metafilter Comments, Taken Out Of Context, Fifteen Of My Online Forum Comments, Taken Out Of Context.
September 17, 2007
Second Ally To The Right, And Straight On 'Til Morning
In his recent speech on Iraq, Bush said "We thank the 36 nations who have troops on the ground in Iraq and the many others who are helping that young democracy."
This assertion--that there are as many as 36 nations aiding in the Iraqi war--has some calling the President delusional. Aside from the US and the United Kingdom, who else is really involved?
Responding to those who question his grip on reality, Bush today enumerated all 36 countires:
- United Kingdom
- Poland (don't forget!)
- South Korea
- Czech Republic
- Bosnia and Herzegovina
- El Salvador
- The Shire
- United Federation of Planets
- Where The Wild Things Are
- Mario World 2-3
Bush added that these allies are also aiding us in our struggle against Eastasia, with whom we have always been at war.
August 09, 2007
Fifteen Of My Online Forum Comments, Taken Out Of Context
See also: Fifteen Of My Metafilter Comments, Taken Out Of Context
July 09, 2007
- If you look at one of those big, digital clocks on the side of banks--you know, the kind that alternate between the time and temperature?--it will be displaying whichever statistic you are not currently trying to ascertain.
June 22, 2007
Bradys, Half Off
Sony has launched the Minisode Network, a new service airing abridged versions of classic 70's an 80's TV shows.
Here is a selection of the programs, which have been given new titles that better reflect the scaled-back subject matter.
- One's Company
- Green Yardage
- Anecdotes of Life
- The Odd Single
- The Eight Hundred and Fifty Dollar Man
- Fantasy Landing Strip
- Narcissistic Joanie
- Who's the Middle-Manager?
- Space: 1973
- Married ... And Childless
- The Wonder Month
- Littler House on the Prairie
- Charlie's Angel
- Above-Average Strangers
- Knight Ambler
Update: It Came From the Comments!
- The Mary Tyler Show (Lung the Younger )
- The Moderately OK Hulk (Jay)
- Star Stroll - The Immediate Family (Mike)
- Murder, She Summarized (LAN3)
- The Stainless Steel Girls (Karen)
- Peak (braine)
June 05, 2007
Forthcoming Sylvester Stallone Films, Following the Success of Rocky Balboa
John Rambo (2008)
Sheriff Freddy Heflin (2009)
Judge Joseph Dredd (2009)
Sargeant Joe Bomowski (2010)
Raymond Tango (2011)
Lincoln Hawk (2011)
Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti (2011)
Nick Martinelli (2012)
Young Man In Crowd (2013)
Extra/Man Dancing In Club (2013)
Italian Stallion (2014)
May 04, 2007
Residents of Old MacDonald's Farm as Inventoried by My Three Year-Old Son, Who, as the Song Wore On, Found it Increasingly Difficult to Avoid Repetition
A chicken nugget
A hot dog
April 17, 2007
U.S. Capitols Cities, Had All States Followed North Dakota's Example and Named Them After Types of Donuts
Apple Fritter, Arkansas
Brown Bobby, California
Nut Top, Connecticut
Old Fashioned, Delaware
Cheese Danish, Florida
Hush Puppy, Georgia
Golden Puff, Iowa
Boston Cream, Massachusetts
Lassie Loop, Michigan
Cinnamon Twist, Minnesota
Maple Bar, Missouri
Bear Claw, Montana
Beaver Tail, Nebraska
Blueberry Crisp, New Hampshire
Berliner, New Jersey
Churro, New Mexico
Devils Food, New York
Zeppole, North Carolina
Elephant Ear, Oklahoma
Chocolate Log, Rhode Island
Custard, South Carolina
Powdered, South Dakota
Creme Horn, Tennessee
Rainbow Sprinkle, Vermont
Frying Saucers, Washington
Glazed, West Virginia
April 09, 2007
Job Titles You Could Put in the "Occupation" Field of Your Tax Return to Exact Some Small Measure of Revenge on a Random IRS Employee by Getting an Irritating Song Stuck in His or Her Head
Cradle of Love Rocker
Country Boy (thank god!)
Mr. Tally Man
Boy of Summer
Right To Party Advocate
Kung Fu Fighter
Guy who wrote the jingle for the "Kit-Kat" commericals
Port Commissioner of Funkytown
Eggman / Walrus