Email about the Captain America retrospective:

My understanding is that a person is most properly addressed by the highest office they have held, even after they retire, unless they have taken a different post that calls for a newer, if lower, title. The only exception is Royalty, who get complicated mixed titles.

Though his blue-gloved hand steered the Federal Reserve through the stormy stagflation crisis as if he were Adam Smith himself, Captain America's role as the Fed Chief under Carter means he has earned his current moniker "Chairman America."

Please be so kind as to address him appropriately.

Yours sincerely,
-LAN3

Email from my conservative buddy Duane, with whom I maintain relations so I can credibly claim to have at least one conservative friend:

To: Matthew
From: Duane
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2007 10:27:37 -0700
Subject: I made up a joke!

What do you call the sketchy math used by global warming alarmists?

Al Gore-ithims!

Speaking of holidays gifts, here's one from the dy mailbag!

Hey yeti. Thanks for your board game guide but i don't think my parents /sisters would really go for a board game. Can you suggest somenpresent that everyone on my list would like? peace, kn

Dear K.N.

Before the era of rampant consumerism, a question like this would never have been asked. Until recently, gifting was not viewed as an obligation but a courtesy, and presents were expressions of gratitude or intended to symbolize the close personal bond between giver and recipient. And because the value of a gift was measured in sentimental rather than monetary terms, they tended to be small and handcrafted.

This year, why not revive this tradition and use your inherent abilities to create personalized gifts for those you love? If you are skilled in quilting, for example, you could make a blanket for someone toward whom you feel great warmth. Or if you are more artistically inclined, a brief poem describing the depth of affinity you feel towards the receiver would certainly be treasured for years to come.

Hah hah! No, I'm totally kidding you, man. Seriously, just get 'em one of them Michael Crichton books or whatever. People wolf down that horseshit like it's raspberry sherbet in a waffle cone.