April 30, 2009
Swine Flu Threat Level Raised to Phase 11
WASHINGTON D.C. - Cough! Cough cough! One sec. Cough! Cough cough! Ahem. Aherem. Okay.
The World Health Organization raised the H1N1 threat level from Phase 5 to Phase 11 this morning, indicating cough! Indicating that there are now documented cases of website-to-human transmission of the disease commonly known as "Swine Flu". The level was raised cough! cough! Cough cough! Jesus Chri-cough cough cough! Hang on. Cough! Cough! Ahrm.
The level was raised after 41 people contracted the virus from various domains, including 23 confirmed infections from Facebook. Epidemiologists ahrrrrm warn that "social networking" sites such as Twitter are common vectors for Phase 11 diseases due to the large numbers of people connected hrrrr, connected by hrrm, cough! Connected cough cough cough!
The WHO also recommended that citizens avoid websites that cough! Cough cough cough cough cough cough! That show signs cough! Cough cough cough! I'm so sorry about--cough! Cough cough cough! cough cough! Is it like hot in here or is it just me?
December 16, 2008
Fed Cuts Rates on Money, Chicks
The Federal Reserve today cut a key interest rate to zero, allowing borrowers to get money for nothing. In a related move, the Fed also set the short-term lending rate of chicks to free.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said the adjustments were necessary to avoid a deflationary spiral and to prevent the acquisitions of blisters on little fingers and thumbs. "We're confident that yo-yos, millionaires, and little faggots alike will respond favorably to this unprecedented action," said the visibly stressed and unhappy Bernanke, who in recent weeks has complained of "Hawaiian noises" and privately lamented that he did not learn to play the guitar or drums rather than study economics.
Retailers in dire straits welcomed the news, having felt the sting of low consumer confidence. "Hopefully this will allow us to sell our backlog," said Mark Knopfler of Brothers in Arms Appliance. "We gotta move these refrigerators. We gotta move these color TVs."
October 04, 2007
United States Successfully Exports Remaining Democracy
President Bush's program to export democracy to the Middle East reached fruition yesterday, as the last of America's dominant political philosophy was shipped to Manama. "Don't say I never gave you nuthin', Bahrain," Bush joked during a ceremony at a Washington D.C. "Ship 4 Less" outlet, during which he carefully placed the remaining democracy in a cardboard box filled with packing peanuts. After the parcel was sealed and given to a UPS deliveryman, Bush delivered some prepared remarks to commemorate the occasion. "The United States had democracy for over 200 years; it's time to let some other deserving nations have a crack at it," he said. "Nobody likes a democracy hog," he added to laughter. Bush vowed to continue his campaign to export liberty, and pledged to begin outsourcing the pursuit of happiness during his third and fourth terms in office.
August 21, 2007
Nebraska Moves 2008 Presidental Primary to 1:30 This Afternoon
Nebraska became the latest in a series of states "frontloading" the 2008 campaign season, rescheduling their presidential primary from its previous date of Feb. 26, 2008 to 1:30 this afternoon.
"Nebraska has been all but ignored by the campaigns for too long," said Governor Dave Heineman, after making the announcement this morning. "Well, you can bet they're talking about us now."
Indeed, in the two hours since the announcement, candidates have been scrambling to find the midwestern state on the map, secure air passage to Omaha International Airport, and glad-hand local residents before the polls open this afternoon.
"This only underscores what my campaign has been saying all along," said a disheveled and unshaven Mitt Romney, the first to arrive, at a hastily assembled press conference given moments after he staggered from his plane. "That the Cornholer State ought to receive way more federal funds than whatever we give to you now."
Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, aboard her jet and en route to Lincoln, announced that her campaign had just adopted "Beautiful Nebraska" as its new official song.
Chelsea Clinton did not accompany her mother, as she is currently campaigning in Utah in advance of their 2016 presidential primary, due to be held in April of next year.
May 03, 2007
And Now For Something Completely The Same ...
I just saw a commercial on CNN. "50 Years Of Pop Culture," it said, "Thursday on CNN."
Either they are airing an hour-long retrospective on the last 50 years of pop culture, or, from today forward, they are going to spend 50 years focusing on pop culture. The latter would probably be easier for them, as it would require no change of format.
"The paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter has been established, but who will become her pediatric dentist? Anderson Cooper investigates ... tonight!"
April 25, 2007
Last Friday I got email from my friend Phyllis Fletcher:
To: MatthewUpdate: I just sent this as well:
Scott McClellan announced yesterday that he is writing a memoir, to be published next spring. In the book--which covers the former press secretary's childhood, entry into politics, and prominent position in the Bush Administration--McClellan will insist that he already addressed these topics in earlier statements, refuse to answer hypotheticals, and reiterate his longstanding policy of not commenting on his life while it is currently in progress.Can't really take credit for that one, pretty much wrote itself.
March 30, 2007
Haven't we already heard more than enough about Clinton's sex life?
March 28, 2007
March Madness Sweeps Innsmouth
Rates of clinical psychosis have skyrocketed amongst the residents of Innsmouth, Massachusetts over the last two weeks, says Wingate Peaslee, professor of psychology at Miskatonic University. "We see this every year," said Peaslee, "'March Madness,' as we call it--characterized by religious fervor, hydrophilia, and compulsive chanting--typically sets in around the spring equinox, and continues until Walpurgisnacht." The people of the malodorous and ill-shrouded coastal village tell a different story, though, attributing their exuberant behavior to the upcoming, semi-annual festival. "WOOHOO, Dagon's going all the way this year!" exclaimed Barnabas Marsh. "Cthulhu fhtagn, baby!" Others, however, were more skeptical of the hometown hero's chances. "I dunno," slurred Zadok Allen, "Shub-Niggurath fieldin a gud team, whut with her thousand young an' all. We'll be lucky to mak'it past the Eldritch Eight." Though gambling is illegal in Massachusetts, it is estimated that several thousand dollars worth of queer foreign jewelry, and the year's entire fish harvest, are riding on the outcome.
(Related: The LiveJournal of Zachary Marsh.)
March 06, 2007
In this article from the NY Times, Anthropologist Scott Atran argues that humans are hardwired to believe in the supernatural--a contention I agree with, despite the fact that I'm an atheist myself. But here's an anecdote Atran cites as proof:
[Atran's] research interests include cognitive science and evolutionary biology, and sometimes he presents students with a wooden box that he pretends is an African relic."If you have negative sentiments toward religion," he tells them, "the box will destroy whatever you put inside it." Many of his students say they doubt the existence of God, but in this demonstration they act as if they believe in something. Put your pencil into the magic box, he tells them, and the nonbelievers do so blithely. Put in your driver's license, he says, and most do, but only after significant hesitation. And when he tells them to put in their hands, few will.It seems pretty obvious to me what they are afraid of: a painful electric shock and the sudden appearance of Ashton Kutcher bellowing "YOU GOT RELIC'D!!"
Under these circumstances, I, too, would be be wary of the professor's convoluted reassurances as to the safety of the box. That's called skepticism, not faith.
The 2008 presidential race is as engrossing as "Mile two" of the Boston Marathon. "Oh my goodness, Giuliani has pulled within 30 feet of McCain. With only 24.1 miles to go, this has turned into a real nail-biter!"
Presidential campaigns are always ridiculous, but, nearly two years before the actual election, this one has already taken absurdity to a whole dumber level. The latest fashion in manufactured outrage is Candidate A demanding that Candidate B apologize for remarks made by Idiot C.
It's a trap, of course. If Obama apologizes for one of his donor's remarks, then he'll have to apologize for the remarks of all of them. If Romney denounces Coulter's latest comment, he is, in effect, saying "Coulter speaks for me, except in this isolated incident."
Several prominent bloggers, on both the left and the right, have made careers of reprinting the stupidest thing ever written by someone on the other side (usually the 113th comment, by someone named "TrueAmericanPatriot71," in a thread on freerepublic.com or democraticunderground.com) and saying "OMG this is what everyone who disagrees with us believes!!!" This practice appears to have percolated upward.
People said that blogging would transform politics. That prediction looks to be coming true.
CRITICS SAY US ATTORNEY FIRINGS POLITICALLY MOTIVATED
I was going to write a Sternly-Worded Email to NPR over a news story they ran last Thursday, but I can't seem to scare up the audio on their website (apparently "Top of the Hour" newscasts aren't publicly archived), which means that I have to recreate the offending passage from memory. And as my memory has more holes that 80's-era acid-washed jeans, my letter would basically come down to "I'd like to call your attention to piece of NPR reporting I have largely fabricated that MADE ME SO ANGRY!!"
Fortunately, I have a place for my wildly inaccurate and unreasonable screeds. It's called a "weblog," or, for short, my "eblo."
Anyway, on a story on the fired attorneys, the reporter said (something to the effect of):
Administration officials claim that that the attorneys were all dismissed for performance-related reasons; Democrats in Congress, however, say that six of the eight fired attorneys had recently received favorable evaluations."Nnnnnrrrrgh! This drives me crazy!
Dear NPR: Did six of the eight fired attorneys recently receive favorable evaluations, or is this just something the Democrats in Congress "say"? If you don't know, why not do a little research and find out? If you know this to be true, (and you do, if you read the New York Times), why not state this as a fact?
Well, nothing new there.
Ohhh, Hillary Clinton ...
February 07, 2007
Sorry, one-liners are about all I have time, right now. Expect no updates for the remainder of the week frowny-face-emoticon.
January 09, 2007
Rest 3-5 Minutes Before Serving, Momofuku Ando
Last Friday, Momofuku Ando, inventor of instant ramen noodles and chairman of the company that makes Top Ramen, passed away. He was 96.
His body will be cremated in accordance with his wishes, and the ashes sealed into a tiny, square, foil packet.
August 16, 2006
Pluto Vows To Run As An Independant
Rocky, barren mass, having lost "major planet" status by a narrow vote in the International Astronomical Union, fends off charges that its orbit is "erratic" and slams rival UB313 for being "on the fringe of the solar system."
May 08, 2006
BEACONSFIELD, Australia (CNN) -- Rescuers have freed two Australian gold miners who had been trapped underground in a steel cage since April 25, when a small earthquake triggered a rock fall in the Tasmanian gold mine where they worked. They have been getting oxygen, food, water and items such as magazines and iPods through a plastic pipe since they were found April 30 ...Oh, man. You know whichever brainiac in Apple's marketing department engineered that product placement was rewarded with pay raises and blowjobs today. I think every report on the story for the last two weeks has mentioned the thing at least twice. They're all, like:
Of course now that Apple has pioneered the disaster-related product placement (or "iProd," I as I like to call it), I'm sure all the other major companies will follow suit. Lucky for them there's a mine-related catastrophy every fortnight or so.
TRAPPED MINERS CLING TO HOPE, IPODS
"We're Running Out Of Time!" Says Rescue Foreman Jon Sarno. "Those iPod Batteries Only Last Three Or Four Days, Total!"
In other news, Bush nominated Mike Hayden as the new CIA chief, describing him as "supremely qualified" and "a consumer of intelligence." Huh. Maybe that's what happened to Bush's intelligence.
PEPSICO FILLS MINE SHAFT WITH COOL, REFRESHING MUG ROOT BEER
"We Serve To Miners," Jokes PepsiCo President Indra Nooyi, Giving The Thumbs Up.
17 trapped workers presumed drowned.
Update: Piers Morgan spectulates as to the iPod playlist in the comments:
February 23, 2006
Sark Defends Port Deal
Sark today sought to quell the growing controversy over his decision to grant the MCP control of several major ports throughout the region.
"I believe that this arrangement with the Master Control Program should go forward," Sark told reporters aboard Solar Sailer One. He emphasized that security would continued to be handled by Tank and Recognizer programs, with the MCP only be in charge of port operations.
But Dumont, guardian of the I/O towers, voiced skepticism. "I could understand ceding authority over ports 21 and 80," said Dumont. "But port 443? That's supposed to be secure!"
The public's reaction to the plan has also been overwhelmingly negative. "No no no," said a bit upon hearing the news. "No no no no." Others were more blunt. "Sark should be de-rezzed for even proposing this," said Ram, a financial program.
Sark, who has repeatedly denied having ties to the MCP, has insisted that the hand-over go through, and says that he will vigorously resist any effort to block it. But programs such as Yori are equally adamant that the deal be scuttled. "My User," she said, "have we already forgotten the lessons of 1000212400?"
October 25, 2005
Fairyland Headline News
BUNNY FOO-FOO ARRAIGNED ON CHARGES OF ASSAULT
September 13, 2005
Roberts Continues To Stonewall On Logan v. Wayne
Judge John Roberts weathered another round of questioning today as his confirmation hearing entered its second day, but the controversal pick for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court left many senators frustrated and angry as he repeatedly declined to explicate his position on Logan v. Wayne.
Though he remained calm and composed while addressing members of the Senate judiciary committee, Mr Roberts refused to provide unambiguous answers when asked about the one of the most controversial questions even pondered by Congress.
Proceedings quickly became acrimonious Tuesday morning, as Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.) openly challenged Robert's claim that he "had not made up his mind" on Logan v. Wayne. "With all due respect, I find it frankly unbelievable that, in 30 years of public service, you could not have formed an opinion on this matter," Kennedy said. "So I would again ask that you simply answer the question: who would win in a fight, Wolverine or Batman?"
Seemingly nonplussed, Roberts demurred, saying, "while I’m happy to talk about the individual strengths and weaknesses of each, I don’t think I should get into the application of their powers in a mano a mano confrontation."
"Powers?" interjected committee Chairman Sen. Arlen Specter. "Batman doesn't even have any powers. So my colleague's implication that Batman is even in the same league as Wolverine is nothing short of wishful thinking, wouldn't you agree, Mr Roberts?"
Refusing to take the bait, Robert again declined to answer.
Questioning continued in this vein for most of the afternoon, with senators on both sides of the aisle pressing Roberts to clarify his stance. "One of the most important responsibilities of a Chief Justice is adherence to existing precedence," Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) reminded the nominee. "I therefore call your attention to The Dark Knight Returns -- a four-part, 1986 mini-series in which Batman defeats Superman in hand-to-hand combat -- and ask you: if Bruce Wayne can beat Superman in a fight, is it not self-evident that he could defeat a mere mutant with ease?"
Brownback remarks were later stricken from the record, however, after ranking Democratic member Sen. Patrick J. Leahy (D-Vt.) pointed out that The Dark Knight Returns is now considered to be an non-canonical "Elseworlds" story.
Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Ut.) pressed Robert to rectify his current neutrality with remarks he made in a 1967 letter to Detective Comics, in which he described Batman as "the best superhero ever!!" Roberts again insisted that the scope of his ruling was confined to DC titles only, and should in no way be construed as an endorsement of Wayne over any character residing in the Marvel Universe.
Though questions regarding Logan v. Wayne dominated today's session, Roberts was also asked about about his views on civil rights, affirmative action, the limits of presidential power, and which Modest Mouse album kicked the most ass.
August 02, 2005
Bush Appoints Bolton To UN
In a move that critics decried as "a slap in the face to a venerable institution," President George Bush today bypassed Congress and appointed Michael Bolton as ambassador to the UN. "As the winner of two Grammies and six American Music Awards, and as an artist who has sold over 52 million albums and singles worldwide, Michael Bolton is unique qualified to represent America's interests in the United Nations" Bush said during a public appearance with the aging "easy listening" maven. "He'll be more than just a reformer, he will also serve as the UN's 'Soul Provider'."
Wasting no time, Bolton spent his first day on the job today, where he addressed weakening ties between the US and Europe by singing "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?," gave tribute to a former USSR territory with "Georgia On My Mind," and inexplicably interupted a spirited debate on debt relief with a soulful rendition of "Can I Touch You ... There?"*
Bolton's nomination had been stalled for months, as Democrats threatened filibuster unless the White House blocked release of the upcoming "Best of the Bolton" album. Upon hearing the news, Senate Minority Leader Henry Reid blasted Bush's use of a recess appointment as "an outragous abuse of power" and derided Bolton as "a no-talent assclown."
July 18, 2005
July 15, 2005
ROVE SPENDS DAY RANDOMLY CALLING CHILDREN,
June 28, 2005
Bush On Iraq: Blah Blah Blah Blah
As his poll numbers continue to sag, Bush gave The Speech again today before a military audience at Fort Bragg, North Carolina, home to Airborne and special operations forces.
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah," said the President, probably in reference to freedom or democracy or something. "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah," he continued to sporadic applause.
The Speech comes at a time when just 40 percent of those responding said they approved of Bush's handling of the war, while 58 percent said they disapproved. In an attempt to shore up public opinion, Bush reiterated his central message regarding the war in Iraq: "Blah blah blah."
"Blah blah blah blah blah," he said, struggling to explain why the effort is important to U.S. security. He undoubtedly mentioned September 11th a few times, somewhere in there.
Bush concluded the 30-minute Speech with "God bless America," we're guessing.
The next recitation of The Speech is scheduled for October 14th, 2005.
June 07, 2005
Senate Agrees To Vote On Bolton's Mustache
While John Bolton's confirmation as US ambassador to the United Nations remains uncertain, the senate today agreed to a straight up-or-down vote on the judiciousness of Bolton's mustache. "We have a constitutional duty to advise and consent Presidential nominees," said Susan Collins, R-Maine, one of the six senators who brokered the compromise, "and while we're waiting to consent, we figured we'd take a crack at advising." The vote, originally scheduled for this afternoon, was pushed back to Thursday after a rift opened between the senators advocating an "aggressive trim" and the so-called "Norelco sixty-two" who urge Bolton to make a clean shave of things. "The color doesn't even match his hair," said Sen. Mark Pryor, D-Arkansas, who counts himself squarely in the latter camp. "Does he somehow not know what it looks like?" Thought a vote seems all but inevitable, President George Bush continued to stand by Bolton's mustache, calling it "the right facial hair for the right lip." Also rallying to Bolton's defense was Sen. John McCain, who called the mustache "rather dashing" and is expected to cast the lone vote in favor of its retention in an effort to preserve his reputation as a maverick.
May 05, 2005
Crisis On US's Earth To Address GOP Continuity Errors
At a press conference earlier today, Ken Mehlman, chairman of the The Republican National Committee, announced "Crisis on US's Earth," an ambitious, year-long initiative to address the multitude of continuity errors George Bush and the Republicans in Congress have introduced into the GOP Universe.
"We're very excited", Mehlman said, speaking with reporters. "It's going to be a major crossover event, involving all the branches of government we control: legislative, executive and judicial. No checks and balances here -- we're pulling out all the stops."
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, who was also at the conference, spoke of the need for the program. "We have way too many divergent storylines right now: we're 'fiscal conservatives' spending like drunken sailors, we're against their activist judges but for our activist judges, we're for smaller government while presiding over its expansion ... We need to eliminate all the old plot threads, like the notion that Republicans stand for state's rights and whatnot."
Mehlman agreed, especially in regards to the President. "You got your Compassionate Conservative of the 2000 campaign -- the 'Golden Age Bush,' we like to call him; then there's Bush II, the wartime president; and now the modern-age Bush, obsessed with social security and beholden to the Religious Right. We need to hammer down his character and completely relaunch this guy."
Industries insiders say that the overhaul was precipitated by Bush's increasingly reliance on "parallel universes" (such as the one where voters gave him a mandate in 2004) and "imaginary stories" (such as Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction). The Iraq war has been particularly vexing for Republicans, with no less that three "origin stories" (WMDs, liberation, democracy promotion), each of which is considered canonical. In addressing this issue, Crisis On US's Earth will introduce the "Anti-monitors" -- a second set of UN weapons inspectors who actually found stockpiles of chemical weapons in early 2003 and urged the president to attack immediately. When asked how these new characters will be integrated into the existing timeline, Mehlman shrugged and said, "we'll just casually mention them of FOX News. Americans have always been very accepting of our retcons."
Though not slated to begin until June, Mehlman's announcement that the initiative will "involve all the superstars of the GOP Universe, but not all will survive" has set off a flurry of speculation as to who will be written out of the post-Crisis world. The most prominent rumor states that Majority Leader Tom Delay will perish of a heart attack after running wildly around the floor of the senate, heroically disrupting a democratic filibuster.
April 26, 2005
News ... on the march!
Syrian Troops Say Farewell to LebanonHahaha. Yeah I bet that shindig was a hoot. Like a retirement party for a coworker that no one liked.
I can see the Syrians opening their "We'll Miss You!" greeting card and feigning delight at the enclosed $50 Applebees gift certificate, while Lebanonese duck in, grab plates of Safeway chocolate raspberry sheet cake, and start sidling toward the exit.
January 12, 2005
Elves Of Valinor Warn Of "Critical Security Flaw" In Palantír Browsers
The Elves of Valinor, creators of the popular palantíri "browsers" used throughout Middle-Earth to view distant lands, announced today that the Seeing Stones contain a critical security flaw which could leave users open to attacks by malicious Dark Lords. The vulnerabilities, according to an ElviNor monthly bulletin, could permit malignant gods to monitor the location and activity of users, or allow persons peering into the Palantíri to be taken over and used to execute remote commands. ElviNor urged those in possession of a Palantír to contact the Order of the Istari and request a magical patch to address the problem. Critics, meanwhile, seized upon the announcement as further proof that ElviNor hardware is inherently insecure, and urged consumers to switch to reliable mithril products. Said Thorin III Stonehelm of Khazad-dûm, "you'll never get this kind shoddy craftsmanship from a dwarf."
October 29, 2004
No Draft If Bush Reelected Say Officials
Seeking to assuage fears amongst young Islamic extremists, top Al Qaeda officials vowed that the draft will not be reinstated if George W. Bush remains president of the United States. "We don't see the need, frankly, given the debacle in Iraq, the Abu Ghraib prison scandal, and the rising tide of anti-Americanism around the globe," said Al Qaeda spokesman Sulaiman Khayr at a press conference today. "A second Bush term should ensure ample recruits for our cause, and allow us to continue to fighting the War For Terror using an all-volunteer jihad." Khayr also cited the wide variety of terrorist organizations that have now joined forces in opposition to US policies, and expressed confidence that, if given four more years, Bush would continue to serve as a uniter, not a divider.
September 29, 2004
Kerry and Bush To Exchange CDs In Presidental Debate
President George W. Bush and Senator John Kerry face-off tomorrow in a prime-time debate that may determine the outcome of the hotly-contested 2004 election.
But analysts and pundits have expressed concern and irritation at the highly restrictive conditions the candidates have placed on the proceedings. According to debate guidelines, agreed upon by the two campaigns in accordance with the Commission on Presidential Debates, candidates cannot bring prepared notes or props, cannot move from their designated spots, and cannot ask one another questions. In a further effort to minimize any embarrassing "gaffes" that a rival campaign could seize upon, the candidates have also agreed to avoid speaking about any subjects that could be construed as "political." The sole activity that will take place during the five-minute debate is an exchange of mix CDs, wherein each candidate will give a collection of his favorite songs to his rival. The moderator will ensure that the two men hand their CDs to each other at the exactly the same time. The campaigns and the press are forbidden from divulging the track listings of the CDs, and the event will not be televised.
This will be the only presidential debate of the campaign, but the vice-presidential candidates will meet on October 5. According to the agreement, Dick Cheney and John Edwards will each be allowed to make one "your mama's so fat" joke at the other's expense, and then the two will make light chit-chat over a catered dinner.
August 30, 2004
"ORAL HYGIENISTS FOR VERISIMILITUDE" SAY BUSH'S WARTIME FILLINGS FIXED "SELF-INFLICTED" CAVITIES
"George Bush was not honest about his flossing" claim dentists in explosive new ad
August 03, 2004
Ridge Raises Terror Level After Watching Cujo
Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge authorized the elevation of the terror alert level to "high" Monday morning after watching Cujo on NBC's Fright Nite Theater. "Mr. Ridge contacted the President at 4:05 AM and said he was 'pretty freaked out,'" confirmed White House spokesman Scott McClellan in a press conference yesterday. "He couldn't provide specifics about an impending attack, but asked that we go to code orange and send some secret service guys to his house to spend the night." Speaking with reporters earlier today, Ridge admitted to being "jumpy" after watching the edited-for-television version of Stephen King's 1983 thriller, but nonetheless defended his decision as "completely justified." He urged Americans to remain vigilant and be on the lookout for suspicious activities or St. Bernards.
July 14, 2004
Kerry: Beer Begins At Fermentation
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry rekindled a contentious election-year debate today, saying that he believes that beer begins at fermentation. The statement stands in stark contrast to the White House assertion that beer does not technically begin until its "born on" date.
The Bush campaign was quick to seize on the controversy, calling it the latest in a series of Kerry misstatements and reversals. "The senator from Massachusetts may be confused by the so-called 'beer' he prefers: imported, foreign brew, possibly even that nasty Belgian stuff with the yeast at the bottom," spectulated Bush campaign spokesman Simon Wiley. "But here in America, it ain't beer until it's been bottled -- preferably somewhere in the heartland of Milwaukee."
Kerry has been dogged by allegations of "flip-flopping" on the subject of the world's greatest beverage since earlier this year, when he made his infamous and improbable claim that Miller Lite "is less filling, but also tastes great."
June 10, 2004
DNC Urges Clinton's Demise
The Democratic National Committee, citing the "unfair advantage" accrued by the Bush campaign in the wake of Ronald Reagan's passing, today called on Bill Clinton to perish in late September or October of this year. "Oh c'mon, you finished your book. What do you have left to live for, Hillary?" asked DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe in a personal appeal to the 42nd President. "Help a brother out -- another Wellstone Memorial would be awesome." McAuliffe suggested to Clinton that he die by "running into a burning building to save a child" or "getting the shiv while thwarting a mugging" for maximum effect. He implored Clinton, however, to assiduously avoid those fatalities that in any way involve oral sex.
June 02, 2004
Al Qaida Rebrands Self "MusliMentum"
The Islamic paramilitary movement formerly known as Al-Qaida today announced that it would change its name to MusliMentum. "Right or wrong, the name 'Al-Qaida' has come to have negative connotations, perhaps due to our unrelenting campaign of nihilistic butchery," said MusliMentum spokesman Khalid al-Mihjim. "Countering this perception by renouncing the use of indiscriminate violence would, unfortunately, violate our mission statement. So, instead, we've decided to give ourselves a new name ... and a fresh start!"
Al-Mihjim was quick to reassure citizens that, despite the name change, MusliMentum would exhibit "the same level of commitment to horrific acts of terrorism people have come to expect from Al-Qaida."
The change is one element of a $4 billion rebranding effort on the part of the organization, which includes television commercials showing groups of sleepy cells smiling and planting trees, and the launch of a new slogan "MusliMentum: Barbarism For the 21st Century."
May 26, 2004
Bush Announces Twelve Step Plan For Iraq
President George Bush, speaking at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pa. yesterday, unveiled a new twelve-step plan to address the deteriorating situation in Iraq.
"First, I will admit we have a problem," Bush said, signaling a stark departure from the administration's current position. "Then I will recognize that we need help, I will seek the aid of other nations, and I'll make a searching and fearless moral inventory of our policy of preemption." He went on to outline the plan's eight additional steps during the 90 minute speech.
Speaking to reporters earlier today, John Kerry, the presumptive Democratic nominee, called the plan "completely unworkable." "I mean, do we really expect George Bush to take steps eight and nine: 'make a list of all persons I have harmed' and 'apologize to those I have wronged'? Even if he did, it would take months."
The President, however, was unfazed by such criticism. "Don't worry," Bush reassured doubters, "I've done this before."
April 21, 2004
Eritrea To Withdraw Troop From Iraq
The Coalition of the Willing suffered another blow today as Eritrea announced its decision to disengage from Iraq and withdraw its troop, rifleman Yosuf Abdulkadir. "Awesome!" Abdulkadir said when he heard the news. "Maybe I'll get back in time to see Kill Bill 2 in the theater!" Bulgaria's three soldiers, however, said they would be sorry to see Abdulkadir go. "He was so lonely when he first got here, we kind of adopted him as one of our own," explained Nikolay Stoyanov, adding, "I don't know how we're going to play euchre now." As part of its disengagement, Eritrea said it will also stop sending the White House photocopied "How To" articles from War Waging Monthly.
February 13, 2004
Bush Seeks $131 Billion For War On Carbs
President George Bush submitted an emergency appropriation bill to Congress today seeking an additional $131 billion for the war on carbs, the bulk of which would be used to establish a cabinet-level Department of Carbohydrate Reduction. The proposal comes just days after a Reuters poll revealed that carbs have eclipsed terrorism and job uncertainty as Americans' greatest fear.
However, A recent photo showing Kerry sharing linguini with Jane Fonda has caused some to question his carb-fighting credentials. Hoping to capitalize on the controversy, Howard Dean is repositioning himself as an anti-carbohydrate populist. "When I was Governor of Vermont, no one ate their pizza crust!" Dean boasted in a fiery speech given at a recent rally. "And when I become President, we're going to go after Big Bread! We're going to go after Big Potato! We're going to go after Big Sugar and Big Cracker and Big Muffin, yeeeeargh!"
But with the election nine months away and broad bipartisan support for the war on carbs, Congress is likely to hand Bush a political victory on the funding request. "We're going to work quickly and get this passed," said House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. "We need to reassure the nation that we're taking this battle seriously, and this is just the sort of legislation American wants to see: an enormous spending proposal loaded with pork. Sweet, sweet, low-carb pork."
If approved, the appropriations bill would be the most expensive dietary legislation passed since the 1986 Promotion Of Frozen Yogurt Act.
January 15, 2004
Kerry Enjoys Surge
Speaking at the Sanford Center earlier today, Senator John Kerry reveled in recent polls showing growing support for his presidential aspiration. "Do you like the surge?" Kerry asked the crowd of more than 200 people. "Are you ready to add more surge? Are you ready to make more surge, more surge? And are you ready to make more and more surge?"
Kerry's elation was also evident as spoke with reporters following the speech. "The American people have a thirst for crisp, clean, refreshing solutions," he told ABC's Cokie Roberts, whom he affectionately referred to as "The Coke" several dozen times. "And I'm pleased that the press is no longer giving Howard Dean a free pass on his various reversals. Whenever you see the doctor, pepper him with questions about his controversial statements on Iraq. I want that doctor peppered."
The rising poll numbers are good news for a candidate that has been dogged by allegations of impropriety. Rivals for the Democratic nomination claim that an unnamed corporation recent gave Kerry's campaign enormous contributions in return for product endorsement. While Kerry acknowledges a recent influx of funds, he dismisses claims that he is providing anything in return as "sheer fantasy." "No amount of money," said Kerry, "is going to prevent me from doing what sprite for America."
Footnote 1: I totally not making up that surge quotation.
Foornote 2: In doing "research" for this post, I came across the best legal boilerplate ever: "We love your dedication, we love your passion ... but also want to remind you that, no matter what you do to promote SURGE and SaveSURGE.org, make sure it's legal! SaveSURGE.org cannot be held responsible for your actions. Thank you all, you're the best!"
January 06, 2004
Yesterday the Mars Rover sent back detailed photos and video of the planet's terrain; today NASA released the first audio recorded on the Martian surface. During the 24 minute broadcast, listeners could discern the faint whistling of world's thin atmosphere, the low rumblings of tectonic movement, and, in the background, the distant but unmistakable strains of Outkast's "Hey Ya!"
January 02, 2004
Pat Robertson said Friday that God told him President Bush will be re-elected in a landslide.
For the record, here's the full list of God's 2004 revelations:
November 20, 2003
This Just In
AP Headline: Asteroid May Have Hit Earth 250 Million Years Ago.
All right Associated Press! Way to get right on top of that story!
October 23, 2003
$87 Billion In Iraqi Funds Lost
In a press conference this morning, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged that $87 billion in US funds were misplaced sometime yesterday afternoon. The cash -- which, citing "security reasons," President Bush insisted on carrying on his person during his eight-day overseas trip -- had recently been earmarked by Congress for Iraqi operations and reconstruction. McClellan would not outline the exact circumstances of the loss, except to say that the President and his entourage had discovered the money missing after attending an impromptu "photo op" while touring the Australian outback.
In other financial news, the White House has announced a $1 million reward for any information leading to the capture of a kangaroo last seen approximately 30 miles southwest of Sydney. Officials describe the marsupial as clad in a "Air Force One" bomber jacket, wearing sunglasses, and prone to breaking out into "Rapper's Delight."
October 07, 2003
White House Crush On Farres Leaked
The White House thinks Megan Farres "is a hottie" and may ask the Fairheights Junior High student to an upcoming Hallowing party, according to report in Tuesday's Washington Post. The Post received the information from a "high ranking administration official" who declined to provide his name, saying, "the White House would spaz if it knew I was telling you."
According to the informant, the completely confidental information was conveyed to eight or nine officials, and each was made to swear that he would not divulge the secret to anyone. "Especially not to Megan," the White House allegedly emphasized. "I don't want Megan to find out that I really, really like her."
Asked about the report at the daily press briefing, White House spokesman Scott McClellan flatly denied the charges. "It's not a crush!" McClellan exclaimed, adding, "When I find out who blabbed I'm totally going to kill them!"
After the briefing, The White House approached reporters and asked if Farres had seemed interested in the Halloween party.
September 25, 2003
Draft Clooney Movement Gains Momentum
Four days after its inception, the "Draft Clooney For President" (DCFP) movement has received a groundswell of support from democrats dissatisfied with the 10 candidates currently seeking the nomination.
Martin Morch, DCFP chairman and webmaster of draftclooney.com, initiated the drive Monday after becoming disenchanted with General Wesley Clark. "I was a big Dean supporter before he got all popular, so then I became active in the Clark recruitment. But now I think that George Clooney is what the nation needs. And there's a pretty good chance he's a democrat."
Clooney benefits from the waning of enthusiasm for Clark that followed the general's official announcement of candidacy. "Voters are weary from Clark's non-stop, one week of campaigning," said Joanne Hutter, professor of political science at Idaho State University. "And we've seen his poll numbers plunge since it was discovered that he has 'flaws' and 'positions'. The thrill is clearly gone."
Clooney supporter Kathy Teck agreed. "Clark is so last August." Teck was asked which issue convinced her to back Clooney. "He could totally win," she replied.
In a phone interview, Clooney denied that he was seeking the nomination or had any knowledge of the movement to draft him. In related news, a Reuter's poll of registered democrats had the actor leading all actual candidates by a margin of 22%. DCFP insiders say they are ready to launch draftjustintimberlake.com the moment Clooney declares his intention to enter the race.
September 12, 2003
RIAA Files Suit Against Share Bear
The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) continued its legal campaign today as it filed suit against Share Bear in federal court. The cuddly, anthromorphic teddy bear whose stated mission is to "teach people how to share" could face penalties of up to $150,000 and six months in jail. RIAA spokeswomen Lily Stadel defended the decision to procecute the adorable moppet. "We're not talking about Funshine Bear or Love-A-Lot Bear, here," she noted. "Share Bear has set up an entire B2B [bear to bear] sharing network, and not only knows how much fun it is to give some of her good things to others, but has often been heard encouraging others to 'do your share of sharing!' Clearly the RIAA cannot just stand by and allow this behavior to continue." The announcement came just days after the arrest of Pirate Smurf on similar charges. Share Bear's favorite color is lavender.
August 26, 2003
Linguists Discover I In Team
Linguists at the University of Rhode Island have discovered an "i" in "team," calling into question one of the axioms of motivational theory. "It turned out to be between the 'a' and the 'm'," Professor Stephanie Zahn-Winters said at a press conference on Monday. "Once you know it's there, it's not too hard to see." While the news threatens to undermine modern coaching techniques, it was hailed as vindication by glory hounds and hotdoggers around the nation. "I always knew it was in there somewhere," said Polk Junior High ballhog Barry Zahn, adding "everyone knows that passing is gay." The news comes just four days after scientists at the Wisconsin State College shocked geographers worldwide by announcing the discovery of a place exactly like home.
August 13, 2003
Fox Sues Michael Moore Over Use Of Term 'Michael Moore'
FOX news has sued filmmaker Michael Moore over his repeated usage of the term "Michael Moore," both in print and on his website. "FOX has a long and established tradition of using the phrase 'Michael Moore' as a synonym for any person or group that expresses the slightest unease about Bush Administration policies," reads the complaint. "If Michael Moore's were ever to behave rationally, it would irrevocably blur and tarnish the strawman FOX has worked so diligently to construct." Although some legal scholars warn that the lawsuit serves only to stifle Moore's First Amendment rights, FOX has dismissed such critics as "a bunch of wacko left-wing extremists of the Michael Moore variety." Lawyers for the media giant demand that Michael Moore cease usage of the term within 30 days and adopt the name "Stubbley McFatguy".
July 29, 2003
REO Speedwagon Arrested
Hanson, who filed a restraining order against Speedwagon in April, says she has long anticipated such an incident. "What started out as friendship had grown stronger," she told reporters after the attack. "Recently it always seemed that they were following me -- they couldn't even wander without keeping me in sight."
Authorities believe that Speedwagon approached by water, bypassing the fence in front of the house by bringing a ship into shore. "We have found a boat," confirmed officer Janet Orwant, "although we still haven't located the oars. It's possible that they were thrown away forever."
Said Hanson of the event, "I'm just glad it's over. They were getting closer than I ever thought they might."
This marks the second time an 80s Band has been taken into custody this year, following the February arrest of The Police on charges of stalking.
June 10, 2003
Baron Harkonnen Says WMDs Will Be Found
Baron Vladimir Harkonnen today reiterated his insistence that Arrakis possesses worms of mass destruction, despite growing skepticism that proof of WMDs will ever be found. "We know for a fact that they have worms," Vladimir said in a statement to the Emperor, "but it will take time to uncover them, as they are likely hidden deep underground." Rival houses, however, have stepped up their criticism of Harkonnen, accusing the House of exaggerating the threat of WMDs to justify "Operation Arrakis Freedom," the March 20 Harkonnen-led invasion of the desert planet. "We were told that an attack on the Empire by worm-riding Fremen was imminent," said Duke Yoshihide of House Radding. "If that was the case, Baron Harkonnen, then I ask: where are the WMDs?" Others have been more blunt in their criticism. "I think it's clear now that this was all about the spice," said Duchess Asplund, who has also called for an investigation into lucrative contracts Harkonnen awarded the Spacing Guild following the war. In addition to the question of WMDs, the Harkonnen administration has also been under fire because of continued attacks on Imperial forces by the Bene Gesserit, and because Paul "Maud'dib" Atreides -- the Fremen leader and "Ace of Spades" in the "Arrakis Most Wanted" playing-card deck -- remains at large.
May 07, 2003
UNWILLING TO BELIEVE
With his grudge match against Saddam resolved, an presidential election looming, and the "War or Terror" largely forgotten, George Bush is again straining our credulity to the limit.
How many times must we go down this path? We were promised Osama bin Laden "dead or alive," yet the criminal mastermind remains at large. We were told horrific tales of Iraqi WMDs, yet these stories still remain unsubstantiated. We were assured that our once robust economy would be mended, yet this administrations remains committed to tax cuts in the face of mounting deficits.
With the White House's credibility at an all-time low, it's unfathomable that they would choose this moment to unleash a yet another taradiddle on the American citizenry. Nonetheless, the Bush Administration yesterday introduced a new food product -- full of the rich, creamy taste we love, and great for baking, cooking, or spreading on our favorite foods -- that they audaciously vow is not butter.
Again we are asked to ignore the evidence of our eyes. Even the most dogmatic of Republicans must concede that this appears, in all respects, to be butter, from its just-whipped texture to its light-golden hue. And perhaps the political orchestrators behind this latest canard presumed that we would take their statements on faith, without once sampling the substance in question. But one taste -- a taste I, personally, have taken and enjoyed -- is enough to put Bush's assertions to the lie. That this is butter is an ineludible fact.
As with all compulsive prevaricators, the White House is not satisfied to simply insist that the most paradoxical of statements are true ("War Is Peace," "Ignorance Is Strength," "This Is Not Butter," etc.) but feels compelled to embellish even these outlandish claims. This product, we're told, contains only 90 calories per serving, and is available as a spray, as a squeeze -- even as a calcium-enriched spread. Spurning the age-old adage that the biggest of lies must contain a grain of truth, Bush seems content to pile falsehood upon falsehood until the target audience is gulled by the overwhelming quantity of untruth.
Many in these uncertain times will rush to give the President the benefit of the doubt; others will insist that it is our patriotic duty not to publicly question the Commander-In-Chief's veracity. And perhaps it's possible for the majority of American to willingly suspend their collective disbelief one more time. But not I. My capacity for credence has been exceeded; I can't believe it's not butter.
May 06, 2003
Bush To Water Ski Over Shark Tank
Following the media's breathless coverage of his landing on the USS Lincoln, President George Bush today announced his intention to don water skis and jump a tank of man-eating sharks. The event, to take place on February 3, 2004, will be carried live on FOX, CNN, MSNBC, ESPN, ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, UPN, HBO, The Food Channel, The Weather Channel, Comedy Central, The Home Shopping Network and Spice, with publicity photos to follow in every American newspaper and weekly. When asked why the stunt was scheduled for the same day as the South Carolina Democratic Primary, Bush urged reporters to "sit on it"
And while I'm media-bashing: check out the "Reuters Photo" that accompanies this story. We know we've found Saddam's WMDs this time because the State Department has secured some clip art of a truck.
Update: Laurie Boris writes "Send that truck clip art to North Korea. That'll give 'em something to think about!!"
Update: Apparently disgruntled with the poor quality of the "Reuters Photos," Yahoo! has now switched to the vastly superior AFP Photos.
March 28, 2003
White House: Bush Still Undecided On Iraq War
In response to reporters asking if Operation Iraqi Freedom might last months, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer today condemned the media for assuming that an invasion of Iraq was a foregone conclusion. "I think it's premature to ask how long a war will last before the President has even decided whether to attack [Iraq]," Fleischer said, reiterating comments made by Bush on Wednesday. "The United States is still pursuing every diplomatic channel available in the hopes of averting a war." Fleischer cited recents meetings between US military forces and the Republican Guard in and around Basra as proof that the US was "earnestly engaging the regime in the hopes of finding a peaceful solution to the crisis". He also pointed out that, as recently as March 19th, the United States sent a number of envoys into Saddam's bunker in an effort to interact with the Iraqi leader directly. "The President will make a decision regarding a possible invasion only if our current campaign of aggressive peace negotiations fail," Fleischer stated. "War is our last resort."
March 25, 2003
Headlines, Today and Tomorrow
Today: White House Says Coalition Includes Nations From Every Continent On The Globe
Today: Us Seizes Iraqi Assets
Today: France Seeks Big Role in Post-War Iraq
Today: Halliburton Subsidiary Wins Iraqi Oil Contract
Tomorrow: War In Iraq Ends
March 20, 2003
Mocking CNN.com Is Fun ... And Oh So Very Easy
My own: Breaking News.
March 17, 2003
Bush: Time For Pretend Diplomacy Has Passed
In another sign of impending military action, Bush today announced that the US would no longer pretend to work with the United Nations. "The time for pretend diplomacy has passed," warned the President in a televised speech to the nation. "I will therefore spend today pretending to make up my mind about invading." Bush estimated that he would pretend to deliberate for a day before pretending to come to a decision. The declaration followed a summit in which Bush met with those leaders who favor war and, in a last ditch, pretend effort to find a peaceful resolution, asked them if they favor war. "Look at the bright side," Bush added, "Once we attack I can go back to pretending to fix the economy." In a press conference shortly thereafter, White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer clarified the President's statement, insisting that Bush had meant to say "if we attack."
February 13, 2003
February 11, 2003
Greenspan Sees Shadow, Predicts Six More Weeks of Low Interest Rates
With members of Congress gathered in front of his Washington DC residence, Alan Greenspan emerged from his home this morning and saw his own shadow, thereby predicting six more weeks of low interest rates. "Some have said that deficit spending will drive interest rates up," said Speaker of the House Denny Hastert immediately following the ceremony. "But Alan Greenspan, seeing his shadow here today, has told the American people in no uncertain terms that the Bush Administration has this nation on the road to recovery." Top Democrats, however, were quick to cast doubt on the accuracy of the prediction. "The man has, like, twenty / four-million vision," said Senator John Kerry. "Who can really say what he sees or doesn't see?" Greenspan, who retreated into his home after fetching his newspaper, is expected to remain secluded until April 20, when he will perform his annual egg-hiding duties.
January 27, 2003
'Axies' Fever Sweeps Globe
The Axis of Evil Awards -- or "Axies," as they have come to be called -- are the brainchild of US President George Bush, who distributed the first four awards during the 2002 State of the Union address. Intended to "recognize those nations who have gone the extra, evil mile," the Axies have since become one of the most coveted awards a country can receive.
World leaders have spent billions in recent months to call attention to their evil deeds, some taking out full-page ads in The New York Times, others sending videotapes of atrocities directly to the White House. In an unusual move, a top Nigerian official has sent unsolicited email to millions of people documenting his nation's practice of "setting up companies and awarding themselves contracts which were grossly over-invoiced."
The 2003 Axis of Evil Awards will air tomorrow on all major networks, and begins at 9:00 EST with host Whoopi Goldberg delivering the State of the Union Address.
January 17, 2003
Dr. Phil Addresses Nation's Consumers
Self-help guru Dr. Phil McGraw addressed the nation's consumers last night during a speech televised by all major networks. "You cannot play the game of life with sweaty palms," McGraw told the estimated 50 million viewers, adding "I'm not trying to beat you up, I'm trying to wake you up." The speech was given at the behest of the Bush administration after consumer confidence plunged to a two-year low in the fourth quarter of 2002. Dr. Phil, noting "it's sometimes its hard to see your own face without a mirror," suggested that consumers write down their good qualities on a sheet of paper and bring it with them to the mall as a way of bolstering self-esteem while shopping. Oprah Winfrey, meanwhile, has been dispatched to North Korea, where she will speak to Kim Jong-Il about his constant need for validation.
January 07, 2003
One Size Fits All
BUSH UNVEILS PLANS FOR ECONOMIC STIMULUS, HOMELAND SECURITY, HEALTHCARE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION, EDUCATION, PRESCRIPTION DRUGS
President Bush formally annouced his 2003 economic stimulus, homeland security, healthcare, environmental protection, education, and perscription drug plans today in a speech at the Economic Club of Chicago. "Tax cuts," said the President. When pressed for details, Bush added "you know, for the wealthy." Leading Democrats said the plans would "put the United States on a collision course with ruination," but said they would vote for them in the interest of reelection.
December 30, 2002
Dismal Retail Sales Indicate Best Holiday Season in 30 Years
With December retail sales at a 30-year low, economists and politicians are hailing 2002's holiday season as the best in three decades. "This year, people were focused on friends and family, rather than the usual orgy of unchecked consumerism," said Martin Fi, professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina. "It was truly a magical year." Oregon Governor Andrea Stephens agreed, adding "It's nice to see people saving their hard-earned money, instead of frittering it away on the Toys R Us fad-of-the-year." Candice Torrel, CFO of Wal*Mart, expressed cautious optimism that the spirit of the season may have been rediscovered. "Who knows," she speculated, "maybe all those Charlie Brown Christmas Specials are starting to pay off."
December 12, 2002
Poll: 7/5 of Americans Don't Bother To Do The Math
A new poll shows that seven out of every five of Americans don't bother to do the math. "When asked, 53% percent said that, when reading or hearing anything that involves two or more numbers, they don't even try to do the math," said lead pollster Bradley Noel. "Another 49% said they will often think about doing the math but ultimately decide against it. Only 19% said they will actually add things up to see if the report makes sense." The results were greeted with elation from the 47 Republicans and 38 Democrats in the 100-member Senate. "This is great news," said Senate Majority Leader Pam Crader(D). "When discussing budgets or taxes, we can pretty much make stuff up: millions, trillions, deficits, surpluses -- it's all the same to them." Advertisers were equally enthusiastic. "This will allow us to offer consumers 1500 free hours of service during their first month of membership," said AOL marketer Ted Rawlins. Only the Department of Education has expressed misgivings about the findings. "Mathematical apathy is one of the top three educational problems this nation faces," DOE Chairman David Kahn warned. "The other one is illiteracy."
December 05, 2002
FBI: Further Rob Schneider Films May Be Imminent
The FBI issued a strongly worded bulletin today, warning Americans that one or more Rob Schneider films could be released in the next few weeks. "We're seeing a significant uptick in Rob Schneider 'chatter' similar to what we saw just prior to June 3," FBI Coordinator Jean McCloskey said, referring to the date in 2001 when "The Animal" was released. "We'retherefore asking all citizens to be extra vigilent." Earlier this morning the White House raised the Rob Schneider Alert System to Code Orange -- the second highest threat level possible -- and tightened security around theaters nationwide. The Justice Department, meanwhile, announced that they would be freezing the assets of "Touchstone Pictures" and other organizations suspected of funding Rob Schneider-related operations. Touchstone is believed to be behind the series of video spots recently broadcast on network television that ominously promise that a new Rob Schneider film will soon open "everywhere".
December 02, 2002
Last week, when a top aide to Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien resigned after referring to George Bush as a 'moron' in a private conversation, I made this CNN.com front page mockup for FilePile.
November 07, 2002
I.H.O.P. Passes Resolution On Belgium
After months of negotiations, the International House of Pancakes has passed a resolution demanding that Belgium reveal and destroy its stockpiles of waffles or face the possibility of invasion. Although the nation was stripped of its waffle-making capacity in the 1989 Bisquik Offensive, experts believe that Belgium has managed to smuggle in sufficient flour, eggs, and milk to virtually rebuild its supply, and now lacks only the baking soda necessary to active these so-called 'alternate breakfast entrees' (ABEs). "This resolution sends a strong message to Brussels," announced I.H.O.P. Secretary-General Mabel Buttersworth following the vote. "The International pancake community will not stand idly by while rogue nations continue to produce ABEs." The resolution was passed 214-1, with only France dissenting. Paris has expressed concern that, if the action in Belgium succeeds, their reserves of French Toast may come under scrutiny.
October 28, 2002
White House Raises Bush Popularity Level In Preparation For Elections
The White House today raised Bush approval rating to "Popularity Orange" in preparation for the upcoming November elections. Federal officials say the escalation was in response to a significant uptick in "chatter" concerning the possibility of Democrats retaining control of the Senate. Bush's approval, which had been at the "Elevated Popularity" level (70%-80%) since the anniversary of 9/11, was raised to the 80%-90% range, where it is expected to remain until the conclusion of the 2002 midterm elections. The White House said it does not foresee the need to go to "Popularity Red" -- the highest level of Approval possible -- but reserves the right to do so "if the situation merits a more forceful response". The public reacted almost immediately to the news: in a CNN/Reuters poll taken soon after the announcement, five out of six Americas said their impressions of Bush were "favorable" or "very favorable".
October 22, 2002
To Contact Police Using 1-800-CALL-ATT
Sources: Call would be 'free for the killer,
cheap for authorities'
October 17, 2002
White House Petitions Congress For Fourth Adjective
Just 24 hours after referring to North Korea's nuclear weapons program as "troubling," The Bush Administration has asked Congress to authorize a fourth adjective for use by the executive branch. "In these troubling times of cowardly acts, it is essential that the White House have the necessary adjectives to describe people of evil," Bush insisted. But Senate majority leader Tom Daschle expressed skepticism that a fourth word would be allotted. "In the wake of 9/11, we gave the President almost unlimited use of the word "evil," -- it's not our fault that he applied it to everything from foreign nations to pretzels. And when he came to us earlier this year, asking for 'Cowardly' and 'Troubling,' he assured us that three words would be more than sufficient. Now he wants a fourth? How do we know he won't just squander this one like the others?" When asked to comment on Daschle's remarks, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer characterized them as "Cowardly, troubling, and evil."
October 08, 2002
Dockers Lockout Imperils National Supply Of Dockers
Politicians in Washington D.C. today denounced other politicians for using political issues for political gain. "The politicalization of politics has got to stop," railed one such politician. "The manner in which my opponents are turning political issues into politics smacks of partisanship." The criticized politicians, meanwhile, pointed out that the accusing politicians were politically motivated politicians, whose charges of political politicalization were made in a conspicuously political way. "The American people will see through this blatant attempt to play politics with the politics of politics-playing," predicted one. While no one knows which party will come out ahead in this public relations skirmish, it is clear that both groups are profoundly stupid. The lead prosecutor of a local Minors In Possession case announced today that the two defendants, aged 14 and 12, would be tried as adults, and then immediately dismissed all charges against them. "We're not going to go easy on these delinquents just because they're underage," state's attorney Helen Chandler told the judge in this morning's hearing. "We intend to try them as adults, so that they may be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." After a moment's reflection, Chandler added, "Come to think of it, though, I certainly don't object to adults having a drink now again, and therefore withdraw the charges." Earlier this month Chandler made headlines by charging a man and a woman, aged 34 and 37, with Statutory Rape after opting to try them both as children. Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill announced today that the US would sell "naming rights" to fill The Gap in the Pledge of Allegiance left when a federal court ruled that the words "under God" were unconstitutional. "This is some prime advertising real estate," said O'Neill, pointing out that the Pledge is spoken daily by schoolchildren throughout the nation. "If you've got a two-word slogan and several hundred million dollars, we want to talk to you." Among the alternatives proposed so far to fill The Gap: "one nation, Ram Tough," "one nation, Thinking Different" "one nation, Drivers Wanted," and "one nation, Mm-mm Good." Until a slogan has been chosen the US government will refer to the vacant space as the "The Gap" as part of an agreement with a nationwide clothing store. defective yeti's Music News You Can Use!: The number one single in America right now is the smash hit "Hot In Herre"! (Listen to a clip.) The chorus goes: Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge announced today that the "Terror Warning System" he unveiled in March would be converting to summer colors today. "Preparedness is never out of season," Ridge told the joint session of congress, "and that as why we will be tailoring our schema for the upcoming months." In the following Power Point presentation, Ridge revealed that Green will be replaced with "Mint," Blue will become "Cornflower," Orange will make way for "Putty," and Red, the highest level of threat, will henceforth be "Brick". The conversion is estimated to cost $47 million, and is expected to be every bit as comically useless as the old system. Ridge reassured the nation that, despite the recent fears of a July 4th attack, "we remain on Maize Alert." The US Department of Phrases and Superlatives today announced its intention to devalue of the adjective "Extreme." "Because the market has become dangerously oversaturated with 'Extreme' products, we have decided to devalue the term by reducing its meaning from 'exciting, exotic, exceptional or adventurous' to merely 'mundane'" said DPS Spokesman Alfred Kent. "After this adjustment, 'Extreme' will have roughly the same level of superlativeness as 'radical,' 'awesome' and 'hilarious'." Kent added "This correction will also apply to 'Xtreme,' 'X-treme' and any other stupid mispellings." Panicked consumers flooded 7-11s around the nation in the hopes of exchanging their Extreme Doritos, Right Guard Xtreme deodorant, Kraft Extreme Cheese Easy Mac and Cheese, Capri Sun Extreme Juice boxes, Ritz Xtreme Cheese Bits Cracker Sandwiches, Schick Xtreme III razors and Xtreme Big Gulps before the devaluation takes place at midnight tonight. Members of the rock group "Extreme" will also be deported. Headline: World Chess Federation Rocked by Allegations of Bishop / Pawn Improprieties President George W. Bush declared March 27 to be National Opposite Day. "For too long, now, 'No' has meant 'no', " Bush said during the nationally televised address. "But today, at long last, 'no' will mean 'yes' ... and 'yes' will mean 'no'." Furthermore, Bush explained , until midnight all statements would mean their logical opposite. "For example: Saddam Hussein, we're not coming for you!" he announced with a smirk. Democrats lashed out at the proclamation, calling it 'absurd' and 'paradoxical'. "Just by saying that today is Opposite Day, Bush is, in effect, saying that's it's not Opposite Day," Senator Maria Cantwell pointed out. "If he'd made the announcement yesterday then, yeah, sure, that works. But by saying today is Opposite day .. that's just dumb." "Or perhaps I say: that's just not dumb." Cantwell asked, rhetorically. White House spokesman Ari Fleischer later dismissed the criticism, saying that it "sure doesn't sound like pseudo-intellectual ivory-tower elite-speak to me!" Senate Republicans also supported the President's decision, saying "This is not a great day for America." After weeks of intense lobbying by congressional Democrats, President Bush today released the 2002 Index of Evil, a comprehensive list of everything that the President has declared Evil in the last 12-months. Bush has publicly mentioned some of the Evildoers since the War On Evil began some six months ago, but members of Congress have insisted that they be given access to the entire list. Many of the names and items on the 3-page handwritten document were expected, such as "Osama bin Laden", "Tom Daschle" and "Losing Your Car Keys", but entries such as "Lilac Scented Soap" came as a surprise. Bush noted that the items are not necessary listed "in order of Evilness," but that "Rhubarb Pie" was "not in the #1 spot by accident." Other instances of Evil (and their accompanying notes) included: Hello, and welcome to Your Local TV Station's Midday News Update! Our top stories today:
Politicians in Washington D.C. today denounced other politicians for using political issues for political gain. "The politicalization of politics has got to stop," railed one such politician. "The manner in which my opponents are turning political issues into politics smacks of partisanship." The criticized politicians, meanwhile, pointed out that the accusing politicians were politically motivated politicians, whose charges of political politicalization were made in a conspicuously political way. "The American people will see through this blatant attempt to play politics with the politics of politics-playing," predicted one. While no one knows which party will come out ahead in this public relations skirmish, it is clear that both groups are profoundly stupid.
The lead prosecutor of a local Minors In Possession case announced today that the two defendants, aged 14 and 12, would be tried as adults, and then immediately dismissed all charges against them. "We're not going to go easy on these delinquents just because they're underage," state's attorney Helen Chandler told the judge in this morning's hearing. "We intend to try them as adults, so that they may be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." After a moment's reflection, Chandler added, "Come to think of it, though, I certainly don't object to adults having a drink now again, and therefore withdraw the charges." Earlier this month Chandler made headlines by charging a man and a woman, aged 34 and 37, with Statutory Rape after opting to try them both as children.
Secretary of the Treasury Paul O'Neill announced today that the US would sell "naming rights" to fill The Gap in the Pledge of Allegiance left when a federal court ruled that the words "under God" were unconstitutional. "This is some prime advertising real estate," said O'Neill, pointing out that the Pledge is spoken daily by schoolchildren throughout the nation. "If you've got a two-word slogan and several hundred million dollars, we want to talk to you." Among the alternatives proposed so far to fill The Gap: "one nation, Ram Tough," "one nation, Thinking Different" "one nation, Drivers Wanted," and "one nation, Mm-mm Good." Until a slogan has been chosen the US government will refer to the vacant space as the "The Gap" as part of an agreement with a nationwide clothing store.
defective yeti's Music News You Can Use!: The number one single in America right now is the smash hit "Hot In Herre"! (Listen to a clip.) The chorus goes:
Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge announced today that the "Terror Warning System" he unveiled in March would be converting to summer colors today. "Preparedness is never out of season," Ridge told the joint session of congress, "and that as why we will be tailoring our schema for the upcoming months." In the following Power Point presentation, Ridge revealed that Green will be replaced with "Mint," Blue will become "Cornflower," Orange will make way for "Putty," and Red, the highest level of threat, will henceforth be "Brick". The conversion is estimated to cost $47 million, and is expected to be every bit as comically useless as the old system. Ridge reassured the nation that, despite the recent fears of a July 4th attack, "we remain on Maize Alert."
The US Department of Phrases and Superlatives today announced its intention to devalue of the adjective "Extreme." "Because the market has become dangerously oversaturated with 'Extreme' products, we have decided to devalue the term by reducing its meaning from 'exciting, exotic, exceptional or adventurous' to merely 'mundane'" said DPS Spokesman Alfred Kent. "After this adjustment, 'Extreme' will have roughly the same level of superlativeness as 'radical,' 'awesome' and 'hilarious'." Kent added "This correction will also apply to 'Xtreme,' 'X-treme' and any other stupid mispellings." Panicked consumers flooded 7-11s around the nation in the hopes of exchanging their Extreme Doritos, Right Guard Xtreme deodorant, Kraft Extreme Cheese Easy Mac and Cheese, Capri Sun Extreme Juice boxes, Ritz Xtreme Cheese Bits Cracker Sandwiches, Schick Xtreme III razors and Xtreme Big Gulps before the devaluation takes place at midnight tonight. Members of the rock group "Extreme" will also be deported.
Headline: World Chess Federation Rocked by Allegations of Bishop / Pawn Improprieties
President George W. Bush declared March 27 to be National Opposite Day. "For too long, now, 'No' has meant 'no', " Bush said during the nationally televised address. "But today, at long last, 'no' will mean 'yes' ... and 'yes' will mean 'no'."
Furthermore, Bush explained , until midnight all statements would mean their logical opposite. "For example: Saddam Hussein, we're not coming for you!" he announced with a smirk.
Democrats lashed out at the proclamation, calling it 'absurd' and 'paradoxical'. "Just by saying that today is Opposite Day, Bush is, in effect, saying that's it's not Opposite Day," Senator Maria Cantwell pointed out. "If he'd made the announcement yesterday then, yeah, sure, that works. But by saying today is Opposite day .. that's just dumb."
"Or perhaps I say: that's just not dumb." Cantwell asked, rhetorically.
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer later dismissed the criticism, saying that it "sure doesn't sound like pseudo-intellectual ivory-tower elite-speak to me!" Senate Republicans also supported the President's decision, saying "This is not a great day for America."
After weeks of intense lobbying by congressional Democrats, President Bush today released the 2002 Index of Evil, a comprehensive list of everything that the President has declared Evil in the last 12-months. Bush has publicly mentioned some of the Evildoers since the War On Evil began some six months ago, but members of Congress have insisted that they be given access to the entire list. Many of the names and items on the 3-page handwritten document were expected, such as "Osama bin Laden", "Tom Daschle" and "Losing Your Car Keys", but entries such as "Lilac Scented Soap" came as a surprise. Bush noted that the items are not necessary listed "in order of Evilness," but that "Rhubarb Pie" was "not in the #1 spot by accident."
Other instances of Evil (and their accompanying notes) included:
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