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February 26, 2009

Beer -> Goggles

I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.

But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn't too high ... no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I'm wearing when I wake.

Wake Up WearingBAC
Socks0.05
Pants0.10
Jacket and shoes0.15
Axe Bodyspray0.18
No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever0.20
Boxer shorts (not own)0.22
Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson0.24
Half-eaten nacho hat0.26
Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove0.28
Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe0.30
Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara0.33
Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet0.38
Wheedle costume0.38
Sheet, identifying tag0.40

Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I'd done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied "how about stop?")

Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:

Wake Up WearingBACAll-Around Great Person
Torn karate outfit / peanut butter stains0.17pfostpfilms
Mesh sleeveless shirt0.183bklynjudith
Full beard0.20savagegus
Eye shadow0.22wendelldotme
Jodhpurs and gold lame' blouse0.25golux13
Nadya Suleman0.30illonia
"I voted for G.W. Bush" buttonAlcohol poisoningcybersherpa
Raccoon blood on pillow*Nick Noltechilcote

* Not really something worn, but the judges will allow it.

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February 11, 2009

Recent Tweets
  • Giving a slide whistle to a four-year-old is like giving a oh my god I can't even concentrate long enough to analogize. Jan 7th, 10:23 AM
  • Q: Why did they call the candy "LifeSavers" instead of "Life Savers"? A: They didn't want two mints words. Jan 8th, 10:16 AM
  • Going to the gym a few hours after eating at Denny's is more exorcism than exercise. Jan 15th, 11:04 AM
  • Discovered: if you accidentally hear "Single Ladies" just before going to bed, your brain will treat you to an 8-hour remix while you sleep. Jan 28th, 7:57 AM
  • Seeing Angelina Jolie use to make me horny. Now it just makes me want to buy her chapstick. Feb 1, 07:47 PM
  • Facebook is the Internet's most efficient mechanism for reminding you about all the friends you used to have. Feb 3, 06:49 PM
  • Days like this make me wish I'd taken my mother's advice and become a lottery winner. Feb 4, 01:09 PM
  • The sports bar that just opened in my neighborhood fills me with sadness. No, wait: porter. It fills me with porter. Feb 4, 04:21 PM
  • I score 1 pt. if I get Louie into his Cat Carrier, he gets 1 pt. if he successfully claws out my groin. Today's vet trip ended in a 1-1 tie. Feb 5, 09:35 AM
  • Son has the croup and sounds like Darth Vader channeling Alvin the chipmunk. Feb 9, 07:16 PM

December 08, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • In these status reports to my boss, am I supposed to just mention the names of the online flash games or provide the whole URL? Nov 25, 04:21 PM
  • In a surprise twist, the eating of two McDonalds double cheeseburgers last night at 11:43 turned out to be a profoundly non-great idea. Dec 1, 09:10 AM
  • Can you really call it alcohol "abuse" when the alcohol WANTS me to consume it? Dec 4, 11:29 AM
  • Street corner "Mattress Warehouse" sign wavers are the most efficient means of converting methamphetamine into advertising. Dec 4, 04:06 PM
  • Rough IQ estimation: start with 120 and subtract 20 for every time you press the elevator button after its already lit. Dec 4, 07:41 PM
  • Watching The Terminator with my wife. Every 40 seconds she marvels at how 80s the 80s looked. Dec 6, 10:01 AM
  • Think *your* self-esteem is low? Imagine being a back-of-the-tree Christmas ornament. Dec 6, 09:45 PM
  • These "Scholastic Books" DVDs are great. It's like reading classic children stories to your kid without actually having to be there. Dec 7, 04:52 PM

November 19, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Just saw a woman talking on two cell phones simultaneously while driving, one in her left hand, the other shoulder-pinned to her right ear. Not a joke. Nov 10, 04:42 PM
  • Hopefully the "major character is replaced by a black man" thing will last longer for America than it did for Iron Man or Green Lantern. Nov 10, 07:37 PM
  • Me: "There's a new birth control pill called Yaz?" Wife: "Well, now we know what they were doing upstairs at Eric's." Nov 11, 11:27 AM
  • Eating grilled cheese sandwiches always fills me with nostalgia. And grilled cheese sandwiches. Nov 11, 12:26 PM
  • Conspicuously reading Catcher in the Rye at cafes to meet college girls didn't pan out, so I'll try reading Lolita at the Twilight premiere. Nov 11, 02:03 PM
  • The great thing about having an emergency kit that consists solely of Otter Pops is that it really makes you excited for an emergency. Nov 12, 10:01 AM
  • I am reliving my high school years. Specifically the parts where I am frequently pulled over for speeding. Nov 13, 08:35 AM
  • Heard Palin's voice on the radio this morning. It was like a bout of diarrhea 3 days after you thought you'd beaten the flu. Nov 19, 03:21 PM
  • I selected the gmail theme "Lonely." It always puts "(13)" after "Inbox". Nov 20, 12:03 PM
  • Drop me a line if you want a Gmail invite, I have 94 left. Nov 20, 01:00 PM

October 28, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • My manager wants me to start sending "status reports." Copying these things from Facebook to email is a drag--can't he just friend me? Oct 23, 09:30 AM
  • Dinner tonight: Fun-Sized Twizzler, beer, Fun-Sized Twizzler, Fun-Sized Kit-Kat, slice of pumpkin bread, beer. Oct 28, 06:30 PM
  • Thanks to the miracle of Facebook I am now "friends" with a dozen people who wouldn't give me the time of day in high school. Oct 28, 10:15 PM
  • How many times can you listen to M.I.A.'s "Bucky Done Gone" in a row before it's time to admit you're helpless in the face of addiction? Oct 29, 10:24 AM
  • No, because my pocket contains two thumb drives. That's all I meant when I said I had 8 gigs in my pants. Oct 29, 11:54 AM
  • Technology can advance all it wants, but nothing will ever make me angrier than tailgating or happier than girls in sundresses. Oct 29, 12:35 PM
  • According to this Instant Win Scratch Ticket, a bottle of water is now a "prize". What kind of crazy Frank Herbert world are we living in? October 29, 1:54 PM

October 22, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Something went haywire with my office chair. Now, over the course of the day, my body loses elevation at the same rate as my morale.. Oct 6, 1:17 PM
  • Surest harbinger of a recession: morning "news" piece on fanatical coupon-clippers. Oct 14, 08:54 AM
  • The hardest thing about writing is getting yourself into a state of not not writing. Oct 14, 12:35 PM
  • I've been craving caribou and field mice all day. Being hungry like the wolf is significantly less sexy than advertised. Oct 16, 01:27 PM
  • When I think of all the people in the world who don't have a doughnut right now it makes me sad, primarily because I am among them. Oct 17, 09:23 AM
  • Even a decade later, Radiohead's "Creep" and Beck's "Loser" still resonant with me. I wonder why that is? Oct 17, 12:53 PM
  • I wonder at what point McCain will just pull out of all states and spend his remaining $14 million on Werther's Originals. Oct 21, 12:58 PM
  • I tricked my son into eating a corn dog by calling it a lollipop. Parenting is essentially just a series of lateral thinking puzzles. Oct 21, 06:09 PM
  • I think Nixon was the last person running for president to rely so heavily on plumbers. Oct 23, 09:02 AM

October 02, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started? Sep 22, 06:01 PM
  • Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn. Sep 23, 07:42 AM
  • "I am suspending my campaign--and call on Senator Obama to do likewise--so we can jointly address Clay Aiken's wholly unexpected gayness." Sep 24, 01:36 PM
  • Kind of bummer out that I just lost the game, but at least you just lost it as well. Sep 25, 03:58 PM
  • Palin's recent statements: it's like she has an internal library of talking points but was accidentally left on "shuffle mode". Sep 25, 04:40 PM
  • I'm going to start announcing my daily accomplishments via Twitter. 140 characters will be ample. Sep 26, 03:48 PM
  • Got my first issue of "Tattoo Scene Magazine". Herve Villechaize's interview is great, as are his tips for spicing up your sex life. Sep 27, 10:06 AM
  • The idea that McCain said "horseshit" is nonsense. Watch the tape again--he is clearly singing Salt 'n' Pepa's "Push It" under his breath. Sep 27, 10:31 AM
  • Joke I just thought up: Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they cantaloupe. *** MUST CREDIT MATTHEW BALDWIN!! *** Sep 29, 09:33 AM
  • My back-of-the-envelope calculations: to successfully endure Thursday's debate you will need to start drinking at 4:25 this afternoon. Sep 30, 09:29 AM
  • Palintology: the study of dinosaur / human coexistence. Sep 30, 02:06 PM

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September 22, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I'll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back. Sep 8, 08:01 PM
  • All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din. Sep 9, 10:31 AM
  • AP headline: "Stocks Plunge Downward". What, do these guys get paid by the word? Sep 15, 03:45 PM
  • Discovered today: 30 years later, playing "Perfection" still gives me a headache. Sep 20, 04:26 PM
  • Oh Christ, I'm such an idiot. Spent the whole weekend looking for the greatest love of all; turned out it was inside of me the whole time. Sep 21, 11:46 AM
  • Attn. all: I am unable to poop waffles and pee maple syrup. That, at any rate, is what I told my hungry & impatient 4-year-old this morning. Sep 22, 11:14 AM

September 08, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Having one of my rare good hair days. If you know me in person, please strive to see me before I go to bed this evening. Aug 26, 01:23 PM
  • Debating whether to watch Hillary Clinton tonight or Battlestar Galactica. Eh, it's cylons either way. Aug 26, 02:35 PM
  • Free idea for right-wingers: start referring to pro-immigration advocates as "pedrophiles". Aug 30, 05:52 PM
  • Re. Palin vetting: Heck of a job, POWnie. Sep 2, 09:48 AM
  • The only thing worse that being stuck in a 3 hour training session is being stuck in a 3 hour training session that you're providing. Sep 3, 12:21 PM
  • Today I had my first exposure to the TV program "7th Heaven". On the upside, at least now I have the antibodies. Sep 5, 04:45 PM
  • My mother described "7th Heaven" as "kind of like Murder She Wrote ... in that you'll probably make fun of it on your blog." Sep 5, 04:46 PM

August 26, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • "In a move wildly perceived as a major gaffe for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama today named arugula as his 2008 running mate." Aug 21, 06:01 PM
  • In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis. Aug 22, 11:36 AM
  • Who Will Be Obama's VP is the Who Shot J.R. of 2008. Aug 22, 01:33 PM
  • It's not exactly cosplay, but I have a serious Solomon Grundy hair thing going on today. Aug 22, 02:50 PM
  • Reviewing your Netflix queue uncovers repressed memories from drunken blackouts. "Buh? When did I put Glitter on here- ohhhhh. Right." Aug 25, 11:12 AM
  • I appreciate that McCain starts every speech with "my friends" because then I know he's not talking to me and can stop listening. Aug 25, 11:18 AM
  • My friend told me that her acupuncturist also does cupping. Man, I get slapped when I pull that shit on the bus and this guy is CHARGING for it? Aug 25, 09:14 PM
  • Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting. Aug 26, 09:39 AM

August 21, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • I do something wrong: accident. You do something wrong: character flaw. Aug 15, 07:50 PM
  • I wonder how many newspapers have the headline "Biden: His Time" all queued up and ready for Obama's VP announcement. Aug 19, 03:43 PM
  • Asked my 4-year-old aspie "what's 14 minus hot dog?" and he laughed uproariously. That joke kills in my household. Aug 19, 08:05 PM
  • Played Agricola last night, new boardgame that's allegedly better than making love to a cupcake. It's really satisfying! The sex, I mean. Aug 21, 09:44 AM
  • Oh, and Agricola was pretty good too. Aug 21, 09:56 AM
  • Christopher Nolan is a nerd godsend. Now I can hold an impromptu, 20 minute conversation about Batman with ANYONE! Aug 21, 10:09 AM
  • "hey wassup u votin 4 me or wht? txt me bck k?" Getting like seven of these a day. Signing up to receive IMs from Obama was a mistake. Aug 21, 10:37 AM
  • If "people who stand in the middle of the hallway and hold conversations" were a distinct race, genocide wouldn't seem so bad. Aug 21, 01:52 PM
  • I thought "flag pin" was destined to be the dumbest political "issue" of all time, but "arugula" is giving it a run for its money. Aug 21, 03:52 PM

August 11, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Attn all: I have decided to stop referring to myself as "morbidly obese" and will henceforth self-identify as "a passionate foodie". July 22, 05:58 PMM
  • Today has been admirably proactive in regards to sucking. July 24, 08:10 AM
  • My biggest relationship problem is that I am all give and no take. Specifically showers. Just won't take 'em. Jul 30, 06:36 PM
  • My local grocery store sells "Popcorn Salt." "No MSG" & "All Natural" boasts the packaging. $2.29 for 3 oz. The ingredients say "salt". Jul 30, 08:51 PM
  • I'm always amazed when I see someone who still rides a Segway. I feel like I should take them aside and let them in on the joke. Aug 3, 10:45 PM
  • Each election year is an ethics test for the mainstream media, and the paper is invariably returned with "See Me After Class". Aug 5, 10:34 AM
  • Wow, metadrug.com is giving Blank, the new oxycodone / cocaine / tobacco hybrid, a 86%. I'll have to check that out. Aug 6, 10:13 AM
  • Guy on NPR was explaining Extreme Programming to listeners. My god, it's like they are broadcasting FROM THE FUTURE! Aug 6, 03:42 PM
  • OMG, I wrote a derogatory tweet about some random person I heard on the radio and it turns out he follows me. This is my finest hour. Aug 6, 04:07 PM
  • War in Afghanistan, rising US / Russia tensions. This WATCHMEN ad campaign is amazing. Aug 11, 08:28 PM

July 21, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted. Jul 9, 6:39 PM
  • Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided "Little Rascals" feature film. Jul 11, 9:38 AM
  • Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It's nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life. Jul 13, 12:57 PM
  • To the kid at the bustop twirling sai: you look more "teenage turtle" than "mutant ninja", I'm afraid. Jul 15, 2:13 PM
  • Old woman yelled at me as I zipped past on my bicycle. "You scared the PUDDING outta me!" she shrieked. Jul 15, 2:40 PM
  • NPR: I would gladly contribute if you could guarantee that I'd NOT somehow wind up at the "Rhubarb Tour With Garrison Keillor". Jul 17, 12:06 PM
  • Some asshole assaulted me while I tried to eat lunch. Now I am shaken and hungry. Jul 21, 12:50 PM
  • Oh god, I am miserably overfull. I am going to travel back in time 40 minutes and slap that burrito from my own hand before I can eat it. Jul 21, 1:30 PM
  • I wish I could quit you! But I must instead irritate you until I get fired, if I want to collect unemployment. Jul 21, 3:25 PM

July 07, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight. Jun 25, 12:41 PM
  • I'm doing the 100 Push-Up Challenge. I've eaten 37 today and still going strong, but I think this is going to ruin frozen yogurt for me. Jun 25, 14:36 PM
  • Clerk at store: "Do you want to help us fight prostate cancer?" Me: "I'm gonna need to know how before I commit." Jun 27, 17:06 PM
  • Wow, tough day. The street that I sometimes clean found out that it was adopted. Jun 30, 09:39 AM
  • Just heard from the doctor; apparently my "case of the Mondays" is a chronic, degenerative condition. Jul 3, 12:13 PM
  • Andy Rooney never ceases to amaze me with his Somehow Still Alivedness. Jul 7, 09:13 AM
  • Local Arby's: "Now hiring, $9/hr, 50% off meals." The only way that would be an incentive is if they meant 50% less food. Jul 7, 12:12 PM

July 01, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • Neighborhood lemonade stand is charging $1 a cup. Those kids are gonna grow up to be an Exxon executives. June 14, 12:30 PM
  • While in a bar I mentioned I was writing a screenplay; cute girl overheard and totally checked me out. Memo to self: tell that lie more often. June 15, 12:53 PM
  • There ain't no problem that alcohol can't solve. Except alcoholism, I guess. Or a housefire. June 17, 09:00 AM
  • A single trip to the dentist dispels the notion that intelligence played any factor in our design. June 18, 11:47 AM
  • These new slacks my wife bought me make my ass look awesome! Also, the pockets are weird. I'm 65% certain they are women's apparel. June 24, 11:07 AM

June 23, 2008

Recent Tweets
  • The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place. June 02, 04:07 PM
  • Million dollar idea: contact lenses with tiny barbs on the inside to constantly scratch your eyes during allergy season. June 03, 08:12 AM 2008
  • Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten that Speed Stick. June 03, 03:40 PM
  • I wish my printer were a person so I could stab it to death with a grapefruit spoon. June 04, 10:47 AM
  • Why I love Wikipedia: "When invigorated by spinach, Popeye can lift or press about 36 tons. [citation needed]" June 09, 08:19 AM
  • I'm going to have to add "Read entire history of Green Lantern on Wikipedia" to my daily to-do list just so I have something to cross off tonight. June 09, 12:55 PM
  • Dear NPR: I will give everyone on your staff a dollar if you stop saying "anti-war protesters." No one is protesting anti-war. June 10, 08:33 AM
  • Whoa, shred WAY too much cheese for our dinner tonight. If you or someone you love needs shredded cheese, contact me IMMEDIATELY. June 10, 08:10 PM
  • Rode bike to work to combat global warming; nature's thanks: a bee sting in the thigh. Fuck you, globe. June 11, 09:44 AM
  • Hearing Third Eye Blind on your Pandora Sigur Rós Radio station is like finding a testicle at the bottom of a latte. June 12, 03:32 PM
May 28, 2008

Daily Tweets
  • You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Matthew Baldwin. Seriously, it gets me every time. I'm all "Why are you up so early?" 16:30 PM
  • Have been smelling anise all morning. Someone remind me: does that indicate the presence of Satan or the onset of a stroke? 11:58 AM
  • Bliss and Tell: Only Googling a neologism or joke AFTER you've used it because you suspect 75,000 people came up with it first. 11:37 AM
  • Pint of No Return: The beer after which you will drink until drunk. For me it is number four. 10:21 AM
  • Scott McClellan's new book, summarized: "I totally didn't know I was lying those 630,000 times." 09:16 AM
  • "Pornography" comes from the root words "porn," which means "pornography," and "ography," which means nothing whatsoever. 09:01 AM

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