Tweets
October 02, 2008
Recent Tweets
- Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started?
- Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn.
- "I am suspending my campaign--and call on Senator Obama to do likewise--so we can jointly address Clay Aiken's wholly unexpected gayness."
- Kind of bummer out that I just lost the game, but at least you just lost it as well.
- Palin's recent statements: it's like she has an internal library of talking points but was accidentally left on "shuffle mode".
- I'm going to start announcing my daily accomplishments via Twitter. 140 characters will be ample.
- Got my first issue of "Tattoo Scene Magazine". Herve Villechaize's interview is great, as are his tips for spicing up your sex life.
- The idea that McCain said "horseshit" is nonsense. Watch the tape again--he is clearly singing Salt 'n' Pepa's "Push It" under his breath.
- Joke I just thought up: Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they cantaloupe. *** MUST CREDIT MATTHEW BALDWIN!! ***
- My back-of-the-envelope calculations: to successfully endure Thursday's debate you will need to start drinking at 4:25 this afternoon.
- Palintology: the study of dinosaur / human coexistence.
September 22, 2008
Recent Tweets
- Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I'll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back.
- All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din.
- AP headline: "Stocks Plunge Downward". What, do these guys get paid by the word?
- Discovered today: 30 years later, playing "Perfection" still gives me a headache.
- Oh Christ, I'm such an idiot. Spent the whole weekend looking for the greatest love of all; turned out it was inside of me the whole time.
- Attn. all: I am unable to poop waffles and pee maple syrup. That, at any rate, is what I told my hungry & impatient 4-year-old this morning.
September 08, 2008
Recent Tweets
- Having one of my rare good hair days. If you know me in person, please strive to see me before I go to bed this evening.
- Debating whether to watch Hillary Clinton tonight or Battlestar Galactica. Eh, it's cylons either way.
- Free idea for right-wingers: start referring to pro-immigration advocates as "pedrophiles".
- Re. Palin vetting: Heck of a job, POWnie.
- The only thing worse that being stuck in a 3 hour training session is being stuck in a 3 hour training session that you're providing.
- Today I had my first exposure to the TV program "7th Heaven". On the upside, at least now I have the antibodies.
- My mother described "7th Heaven" as "kind of like Murder She Wrote ... in that you'll probably make fun of it on your blog."
August 26, 2008
Recent Tweets
- "In a move wildly perceived as a major gaffe for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama today named arugula as his 2008 running mate."
- In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis.
- Who Will Be Obama's VP is the Who Shot J.R. of 2008.
- It's not exactly cosplay, but I have a serious Solomon Grundy hair thing going on today.
- Reviewing your Netflix queue uncovers repressed memories from drunken blackouts. "Buh? When did I put Glitter on here- ohhhhh. Right."
- I appreciate that McCain starts every speech with "my friends" because then I know he's not talking to me and can stop listening.
- My friend told me that her acupuncturist also does cupping. Man, I get slapped when I pull that shit on the bus and this guy is CHARGING for it?
- Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting.
August 21, 2008
Recent Tweets
- I do something wrong: accident. You do something wrong: character flaw.
- I wonder how many newspapers have the headline "Biden: His Time" all queued up and ready for Obama's VP announcement.
- Asked my 4-year-old aspie "what's 14 minus hot dog?" and he laughed uproariously. That joke kills in my household.
- Played Agricola last night, new boardgame that's allegedly better than making love to a cupcake. It's really satisfying! The sex, I mean.
- Oh, and Agricola was pretty good too.
- Christopher Nolan is a nerd godsend. Now I can hold an impromptu, 20 minute conversation about Batman with ANYONE!
- "hey wassup u votin 4 me or wht? txt me bck k?" Getting like seven of these a day. Signing up to receive IMs from Obama was a mistake.
- If "people who stand in the middle of the hallway and hold conversations" were a distinct race, genocide wouldn't seem so bad.
- I thought "flag pin" was destined to be the dumbest political "issue" of all time, but "arugula" is giving it a run for its money.
August 11, 2008
Recent Tweets
- Attn all: I have decided to stop referring to myself as "morbidly obese" and will henceforth self-identify as "a passionate foodie".
- Today has been admirably proactive in regards to sucking.
- My biggest relationship problem is that I am all give and no take. Specifically showers. Just won't take 'em.
- My local grocery store sells "Popcorn Salt." "No MSG" & "All Natural" boasts the packaging. $2.29 for 3 oz. The ingredients say "salt".
- I'm always amazed when I see someone who still rides a Segway. I feel like I should take them aside and let them in on the joke.
- Each election year is an ethics test for the mainstream media, and the paper is invariably returned with "See Me After Class".
- Wow, metadrug.com is giving Blank, the new oxycodone / cocaine / tobacco hybrid, a 86%. I'll have to check that out.
- Guy on NPR was explaining Extreme Programming to listeners. My god, it's like they are broadcasting FROM THE FUTURE!
- OMG, I wrote a derogatory tweet about some random person I heard on the radio and it turns out he follows me. This is my finest hour.
- War in Afghanistan, rising US / Russia tensions. This WATCHMEN ad campaign is amazing.
July 21, 2008
Recent Tweets
- Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted.
- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided "Little Rascals" feature film.
- Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It's nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life.
- To the kid at the bustop twirling sai: you look more "teenage turtle" than "mutant ninja", I'm afraid.
- Old woman yelled at me as I zipped past on my bicycle. "You scared the PUDDING outta me!" she shrieked.
- NPR: I would gladly contribute if you could guarantee that I'd NOT somehow wind up at the "Rhubarb Tour With Garrison Keillor".
- Some asshole assaulted me while I tried to eat lunch. Now I am shaken and hungry.
- Oh god, I am miserably overfull. I am going to travel back in time 40 minutes and slap that burrito from my own hand before I can eat it.
- I wish I could quit you! But I must instead irritate you until I get fired, if I want to collect unemployment.
July 07, 2008
Recent Tweets
- Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight.
- I'm doing the 100 Push-Up Challenge. I've eaten 37 today and still going strong, but I think this is going to ruin frozen yogurt for me.
- Clerk at store: "Do you want to help us fight prostate cancer?" Me: "I'm gonna need to know how before I commit."
- Wow, tough day. The street that I sometimes clean found out that it was adopted.
- Just heard from the doctor; apparently my "case of the Mondays" is a chronic, degenerative condition.
- Andy Rooney never ceases to amaze me with his Somehow Still Alivedness.
- Local Arby's: "Now hiring, $9/hr, 50% off meals." The only way that would be an incentive is if they meant 50% less food.
July 01, 2008
Recent Tweets
- Neighborhood lemonade stand is charging $1 a cup. Those kids are gonna grow up to be an Exxon executives.
- While in a bar I mentioned I was writing a screenplay; cute girl overheard and totally checked me out. Memo to self: tell that lie more often.
- There ain't no problem that alcohol can't solve. Except alcoholism, I guess. Or a housefire.
- A single trip to the dentist dispels the notion that intelligence played any factor in our design.
- These new slacks my wife bought me make my ass look awesome! Also, the pockets are weird. I'm 65% certain they are women's apparel.
June 23, 2008
Recent Tweets
- The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place.
- Million dollar idea: contact lenses with tiny barbs on the inside to constantly scratch your eyes during allergy season.
- Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten that Speed Stick.
- I wish my printer were a person so I could stab it to death with a grapefruit spoon.
- Why I love Wikipedia: "When invigorated by spinach, Popeye can lift or press about 36 tons. [citation needed]"
- I'm going to have to add "Read entire history of Green Lantern on Wikipedia" to my daily to-do list just so I have something to cross off tonight.
- Dear NPR: I will give everyone on your staff a dollar if you stop saying "anti-war protesters." No one is protesting anti-war.
- Whoa, shred WAY too much cheese for our dinner tonight. If you or someone you love needs shredded cheese, contact me IMMEDIATELY.
- Rode bike to work to combat global warming; nature's thanks: a bee sting in the thigh. Fuck you, globe.
- Hearing Third Eye Blind on your Pandora Sigur Rós Radio station is like finding a testicle at the bottom of a latte.
May 28, 2008
Daily Tweets
- You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Matthew Baldwin. Seriously, it gets me every time. I'm all "Why are you up so early?"
- Have been smelling anise all morning. Someone remind me: does that indicate the presence of Satan or the onset of a stroke?
- Bliss and Tell: Only Googling a neologism or joke AFTER you've used it because you suspect 75,000 people came up with it first.
- Pint of No Return: The beer after which you will drink until drunk. For me it is number four.
- Scott McClellan's new book, summarized: "I totally didn't know I was lying those 630,000 times."
- "Pornography" comes from the root words "porn," which means "pornography," and "ography," which means nothing whatsoever.

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