defective yeti

Tweets

October 02, 2008

Recent Tweets

Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started? Sep 22, 06:01 PM

Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn. Sep 23, 07:42 AM

"I am suspending my campaign--and call on Senator Obama to do likewise--so we can jointly address Clay Aiken's wholly unexpected gayness." Sep 24, 01:36 PM

Kind of bummer out that I just lost the game, but at least you just lost it as well. Sep 25, 03:58 PM

Palin's recent statements: it's like she has an internal library of talking points but was accidentally left on "shuffle mode". Sep 25, 04:40 PM

I'm going to start announcing my daily accomplishments via Twitter. 140 characters will be ample. Sep 26, 03:48 PM

Got my first issue of "Tattoo Scene Magazine". Herve Villechaize's interview is great, as are his tips for spicing up your sex life. Sep 27, 10:06 AM

The idea that McCain said "horseshit" is nonsense. Watch the tape again--he is clearly singing Salt 'n' Pepa's "Push It" under his breath. Sep 27, 10:31 AM

Joke I just thought up: Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they cantaloupe. *** MUST CREDIT MATTHEW BALDWIN!! *** Sep 29, 09:33 AM

My back-of-the-envelope calculations: to successfully endure Thursday's debate you will need to start drinking at 4:25 this afternoon. Sep 30, 09:29 AM

Palintology: the study of dinosaur / human coexistence. Sep 30, 02:06 PM

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September 22, 2008

Recent Tweets

Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I'll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back. Sep 8, 08:01 PM

All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din. Sep 9, 10:31 AM

AP headline: "Stocks Plunge Downward". What, do these guys get paid by the word? Sep 15, 03:45 PM

Discovered today: 30 years later, playing "Perfection" still gives me a headache. Sep 20, 04:26 PM

Oh Christ, I'm such an idiot. Spent the whole weekend looking for the greatest love of all; turned out it was inside of me the whole time. Sep 21, 11:46 AM

Attn. all: I am unable to poop waffles and pee maple syrup. That, at any rate, is what I told my hungry & impatient 4-year-old this morning. Sep 22, 11:14 AM

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September 08, 2008

Recent Tweets

Having one of my rare good hair days. If you know me in person, please strive to see me before I go to bed this evening. Aug 26, 01:23 PM

Debating whether to watch Hillary Clinton tonight or Battlestar Galactica. Eh, it's cylons either way. Aug 26, 02:35 PM

Free idea for right-wingers: start referring to pro-immigration advocates as "pedrophiles". Aug 30, 05:52 PM

Re. Palin vetting: Heck of a job, POWnie. Sep 2, 09:48 AM

The only thing worse that being stuck in a 3 hour training session is being stuck in a 3 hour training session that you're providing. Sep 3, 12:21 PM

Today I had my first exposure to the TV program "7th Heaven". On the upside, at least now I have the antibodies. Sep 5, 04:45 PM

My mother described "7th Heaven" as "kind of like Murder She Wrote ... in that you'll probably make fun of it on your blog." Sep 5, 04:46 PM

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August 26, 2008

Recent Tweets

"In a move wildly perceived as a major gaffe for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama today named arugula as his 2008 running mate." Aug 21, 06:01 PM

In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis. Aug 22, 11:36 AM

Who Will Be Obama's VP is the Who Shot J.R. of 2008. Aug 22, 01:33 PM

It's not exactly cosplay, but I have a serious Solomon Grundy hair thing going on today. Aug 22, 02:50 PM

Reviewing your Netflix queue uncovers repressed memories from drunken blackouts. "Buh? When did I put Glitter on here- ohhhhh. Right." Aug 25, 11:12 AM

I appreciate that McCain starts every speech with "my friends" because then I know he's not talking to me and can stop listening. Aug 25, 11:18 AM

My friend told me that her acupuncturist also does cupping. Man, I get slapped when I pull that shit on the bus and this guy is CHARGING for it? Aug 25, 09:14 PM

Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting. Aug 26, 09:39 AM

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August 21, 2008

Recent Tweets

I do something wrong: accident. You do something wrong: character flaw. Aug 15, 07:50 PM

I wonder how many newspapers have the headline "Biden: His Time" all queued up and ready for Obama's VP announcement. Aug 19, 03:43 PM

Asked my 4-year-old aspie "what's 14 minus hot dog?" and he laughed uproariously. That joke kills in my household. Aug 19, 08:05 PM

Played Agricola last night, new boardgame that's allegedly better than making love to a cupcake. It's really satisfying! The sex, I mean. Aug 21, 09:44 AM

Oh, and Agricola was pretty good too. Aug 21, 09:56 AM

Christopher Nolan is a nerd godsend. Now I can hold an impromptu, 20 minute conversation about Batman with ANYONE! Aug 21, 10:09 AM

"hey wassup u votin 4 me or wht? txt me bck k?" Getting like seven of these a day. Signing up to receive IMs from Obama was a mistake. Aug 21, 10:37 AM

If "people who stand in the middle of the hallway and hold conversations" were a distinct race, genocide wouldn't seem so bad. Aug 21, 01:52 PM

I thought "flag pin" was destined to be the dumbest political "issue" of all time, but "arugula" is giving it a run for its money. Aug 21, 03:52 PM

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August 11, 2008

Recent Tweets

Attn all: I have decided to stop referring to myself as "morbidly obese" and will henceforth self-identify as "a passionate foodie". July 22, 05:58 PMM

Today has been admirably proactive in regards to sucking. July 24, 08:10 AM

My biggest relationship problem is that I am all give and no take. Specifically showers. Just won't take 'em. Jul 30, 06:36 PM

My local grocery store sells "Popcorn Salt." "No MSG" & "All Natural" boasts the packaging. $2.29 for 3 oz. The ingredients say "salt". Jul 30, 08:51 PM

I'm always amazed when I see someone who still rides a Segway. I feel like I should take them aside and let them in on the joke. Aug 3, 10:45 PM

Each election year is an ethics test for the mainstream media, and the paper is invariably returned with "See Me After Class". Aug 5, 10:34 AM

Wow, metadrug.com is giving Blank, the new oxycodone / cocaine / tobacco hybrid, a 86%. I'll have to check that out. Aug 6, 10:13 AM

Guy on NPR was explaining Extreme Programming to listeners. My god, it's like they are broadcasting FROM THE FUTURE! Aug 6, 03:42 PM

OMG, I wrote a derogatory tweet about some random person I heard on the radio and it turns out he follows me. This is my finest hour. Aug 6, 04:07 PM

War in Afghanistan, rising US / Russia tensions. This WATCHMEN ad campaign is amazing. Aug 11, 08:28 PM

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July 21, 2008

Recent Tweets

Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted. Jul 9, 6:39 PM

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided "Little Rascals" feature film. Jul 11, 9:38 AM

Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It's nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life. Jul 13, 12:57 PM

To the kid at the bustop twirling sai: you look more "teenage turtle" than "mutant ninja", I'm afraid. Jul 15, 2:13 PM

Old woman yelled at me as I zipped past on my bicycle. "You scared the PUDDING outta me!" she shrieked. Jul 15, 2:40 PM

NPR: I would gladly contribute if you could guarantee that I'd NOT somehow wind up at the "Rhubarb Tour With Garrison Keillor". Jul 17, 12:06 PM

Some asshole assaulted me while I tried to eat lunch. Now I am shaken and hungry. Jul 21, 12:50 PM

Oh god, I am miserably overfull. I am going to travel back in time 40 minutes and slap that burrito from my own hand before I can eat it. Jul 21, 1:30 PM

I wish I could quit you! But I must instead irritate you until I get fired, if I want to collect unemployment. Jul 21, 3:25 PM

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July 07, 2008

Recent Tweets

Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight. Jun 25, 12:41 PM

I'm doing the 100 Push-Up Challenge. I've eaten 37 today and still going strong, but I think this is going to ruin frozen yogurt for me. Jun 25, 14:36 PM

Clerk at store: "Do you want to help us fight prostate cancer?" Me: "I'm gonna need to know how before I commit." Jun 27, 17:06 PM

Wow, tough day. The street that I sometimes clean found out that it was adopted. Jun 30, 09:39 AM

Just heard from the doctor; apparently my "case of the Mondays" is a chronic, degenerative condition. Jul 3, 12:13 PM

Andy Rooney never ceases to amaze me with his Somehow Still Alivedness. Jul 7, 09:13 AM

Local Arby's: "Now hiring, $9/hr, 50% off meals." The only way that would be an incentive is if they meant 50% less food. Jul 7, 12:12 PM

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July 01, 2008

Recent Tweets

Neighborhood lemonade stand is charging $1 a cup. Those kids are gonna grow up to be an Exxon executives. June 14, 12:30 PM

While in a bar I mentioned I was writing a screenplay; cute girl overheard and totally checked me out. Memo to self: tell that lie more often. June 15, 12:53 PM

There ain't no problem that alcohol can't solve. Except alcoholism, I guess. Or a housefire. June 17, 09:00 AM

A single trip to the dentist dispels the notion that intelligence played any factor in our design. June 18, 11:47 AM

These new slacks my wife bought me make my ass look awesome! Also, the pockets are weird. I'm 65% certain they are women's apparel. June 24, 11:07 AM

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June 23, 2008

Recent Tweets

The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place. June 02, 04:07 PM

Million dollar idea: contact lenses with tiny barbs on the inside to constantly scratch your eyes during allergy season. June 03, 08:12 AM 2008

Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten that Speed Stick. June 03, 03:40 PM

I wish my printer were a person so I could stab it to death with a grapefruit spoon. June 04, 10:47 AM

Why I love Wikipedia: "When invigorated by spinach, Popeye can lift or press about 36 tons. [citation needed]" June 09, 08:19 AM

I'm going to have to add "Read entire history of Green Lantern on Wikipedia" to my daily to-do list just so I have something to cross off tonight. June 09, 12:55 PM

Dear NPR: I will give everyone on your staff a dollar if you stop saying "anti-war protesters." No one is protesting anti-war. June 10, 08:33 AM

Whoa, shred WAY too much cheese for our dinner tonight. If you or someone you love needs shredded cheese, contact me IMMEDIATELY. June 10, 08:10 PM

Rode bike to work to combat global warming; nature's thanks: a bee sting in the thigh. Fuck you, globe. June 11, 09:44 AM

Hearing Third Eye Blind on your Pandora Sigur Rós Radio station is like finding a testicle at the bottom of a latte. June 12, 03:32 PM

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May 28, 2008

Daily Tweets

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Matthew Baldwin. Seriously, it gets me every time. I'm all "Why are you up so early?" 16:30 PM

Have been smelling anise all morning. Someone remind me: does that indicate the presence of Satan or the onset of a stroke? 11:58 AM

Bliss and Tell: Only Googling a neologism or joke AFTER you've used it because you suspect 75,000 people came up with it first. 11:37 AM

Pint of No Return: The beer after which you will drink until drunk. For me it is number four. 10:21 AM

Scott McClellan's new book, summarized: "I totally didn't know I was lying those 630,000 times." 09:16 AM

"Pornography" comes from the root words "porn," which means "pornography," and "ography," which means nothing whatsoever. 09:01 AM

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