February 26, 2009
Beer -> Goggles
I had a bit too much to drink last night, and woke up this morning wearing socks. I never wear socks to bed.
But socks tell me that my blood alcohol concentration last night wasn't too high ... no more that 0.05, probably. In fact, on any given morning I can usually determine what my BAC was the night prior based solely on what I'm wearing when I wake.
|Wake Up Wearing||BAC|
|Jacket and shoes||0.15|
|No clothing / eyebrows whatsoever||0.20|
|Boxer shorts (not own)||0.22|
|Henna tattoo of Rainn Wilson||0.24|
|Half-eaten nacho hat||0.26|
|Members Only jacket / parachute pants / untied Converse / sweater draped around shoulders / Nintendo Power Glove||0.28|
|Bar napkin with home address written on it safetypinned to earlobe||0.30|
|Miss Celibate Teen Lewis County sash and tiara||0.33|
|Handcuffs and alcohol-monitoring anklet||0.38|
|Sheet, identifying tag||0.40|
Update: I posted the above to Twitter, with each BAC its own Tweet. I'd done this before with the Typical Reaction to the Revelation That I Do Not Own a Cell Phone, By Year list, which was fairly well-received. But the lesson learned today, I think, is that 10 items on your Twitter list is pretty much the absolute maximum before your followers start to hate you. (When I put out a call for suggestions, chris_knight replied "how about stop?")
Still, some folks chimed in with some great additional entries. Here are a few:
If you have a suggestion, reply to this Tweet.
February 11, 2009
- Giving a slide whistle to a four-year-old is like giving a oh my god I can't even concentrate long enough to analogize.
- Q: Why did they call the candy "LifeSavers" instead of "Life Savers"? A: They didn't want two mints words.
- Going to the gym a few hours after eating at Denny's is more exorcism than exercise.
- Discovered: if you accidentally hear "Single Ladies" just before going to bed, your brain will treat you to an 8-hour remix while you sleep.
- Seeing Angelina Jolie use to make me horny. Now it just makes me want to buy her chapstick.
- Facebook is the Internet's most efficient mechanism for reminding you about all the friends you used to have.
- Days like this make me wish I'd taken my mother's advice and become a lottery winner.
- The sports bar that just opened in my neighborhood fills me with sadness. No, wait: porter. It fills me with porter.
- I score 1 pt. if I get Louie into his Cat Carrier, he gets 1 pt. if he successfully claws out my groin. Today's vet trip ended in a 1-1 tie.
- Son has the croup and sounds like Darth Vader channeling Alvin the chipmunk.
December 08, 2008
- In these status reports to my boss, am I supposed to just mention the names of the online flash games or provide the whole URL?
- In a surprise twist, the eating of two McDonalds double cheeseburgers last night at 11:43 turned out to be a profoundly non-great idea.
- Can you really call it alcohol "abuse" when the alcohol WANTS me to consume it?
- Street corner "Mattress Warehouse" sign wavers are the most efficient means of converting methamphetamine into advertising.
- Rough IQ estimation: start with 120 and subtract 20 for every time you press the elevator button after its already lit.
- Watching The Terminator with my wife. Every 40 seconds she marvels at how 80s the 80s looked.
- Think *your* self-esteem is low? Imagine being a back-of-the-tree Christmas ornament.
- These "Scholastic Books" DVDs are great. It's like reading classic children stories to your kid without actually having to be there.
November 19, 2008
- Just saw a woman talking on two cell phones simultaneously while driving, one in her left hand, the other shoulder-pinned to her right ear. Not a joke.
- Hopefully the "major character is replaced by a black man" thing will last longer for America than it did for Iron Man or Green Lantern.
- Me: "There's a new birth control pill called Yaz?" Wife: "Well, now we know what they were doing upstairs at Eric's."
- Eating grilled cheese sandwiches always fills me with nostalgia. And grilled cheese sandwiches.
- Conspicuously reading Catcher in the Rye at cafes to meet college girls didn't pan out, so I'll try reading Lolita at the Twilight premiere.
- The great thing about having an emergency kit that consists solely of Otter Pops is that it really makes you excited for an emergency.
- I am reliving my high school years. Specifically the parts where I am frequently pulled over for speeding.
- Heard Palin's voice on the radio this morning. It was like a bout of diarrhea 3 days after you thought you'd beaten the flu.
- I selected the gmail theme "Lonely." It always puts "(13)" after "Inbox".
- Drop me a line if you want a Gmail invite, I have 94 left.
October 28, 2008
- My manager wants me to start sending "status reports." Copying these things from Facebook to email is a drag--can't he just friend me?
- Dinner tonight: Fun-Sized Twizzler, beer, Fun-Sized Twizzler, Fun-Sized Kit-Kat, slice of pumpkin bread, beer.
- Thanks to the miracle of Facebook I am now "friends" with a dozen people who wouldn't give me the time of day in high school.
- How many times can you listen to M.I.A.'s "Bucky Done Gone" in a row before it's time to admit you're helpless in the face of addiction?
- No, because my pocket contains two thumb drives. That's all I meant when I said I had 8 gigs in my pants.
- Technology can advance all it wants, but nothing will ever make me angrier than tailgating or happier than girls in sundresses.
- According to this Instant Win Scratch Ticket, a bottle of water is now a "prize". What kind of crazy Frank Herbert world are we living in?
October 22, 2008
- Something went haywire with my office chair. Now, over the course of the day, my body loses elevation at the same rate as my morale..
- Surest harbinger of a recession: morning "news" piece on fanatical coupon-clippers.
- The hardest thing about writing is getting yourself into a state of not not writing.
- I've been craving caribou and field mice all day. Being hungry like the wolf is significantly less sexy than advertised.
- When I think of all the people in the world who don't have a doughnut right now it makes me sad, primarily because I am among them.
- Even a decade later, Radiohead's "Creep" and Beck's "Loser" still resonant with me. I wonder why that is?
- I wonder at what point McCain will just pull out of all states and spend his remaining $14 million on Werther's Originals.
- I tricked my son into eating a corn dog by calling it a lollipop. Parenting is essentially just a series of lateral thinking puzzles.
- I think Nixon was the last person running for president to rely so heavily on plumbers.
October 02, 2008
- Lonely pair of discarded pants / Laying by the side of the road / Who cruelly abandoned you / Just as the party got started?
- Turkey bacon is to bacon what Paris Hilton is to Audrey Hepburn.
- "I am suspending my campaign--and call on Senator Obama to do likewise--so we can jointly address Clay Aiken's wholly unexpected gayness."
- Kind of bummer out that I just lost the game, but at least you just lost it as well.
- Palin's recent statements: it's like she has an internal library of talking points but was accidentally left on "shuffle mode".
- I'm going to start announcing my daily accomplishments via Twitter. 140 characters will be ample.
- Got my first issue of "Tattoo Scene Magazine". Herve Villechaize's interview is great, as are his tips for spicing up your sex life.
- The idea that McCain said "horseshit" is nonsense. Watch the tape again--he is clearly singing Salt 'n' Pepa's "Push It" under his breath.
- Joke I just thought up: Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they cantaloupe. *** MUST CREDIT MATTHEW BALDWIN!! ***
- My back-of-the-envelope calculations: to successfully endure Thursday's debate you will need to start drinking at 4:25 this afternoon.
- Palintology: the study of dinosaur / human coexistence.
September 22, 2008
- Insurance guy: Why does your son need this? Me: He has autism. IG: I'll authorize 6 mo. worth. Then, if he still has autism, call us back.
- All this commotion about Sarah being a Holy Warrior is causing quite the Palin-din.
- AP headline: "Stocks Plunge Downward". What, do these guys get paid by the word?
- Discovered today: 30 years later, playing "Perfection" still gives me a headache.
- Oh Christ, I'm such an idiot. Spent the whole weekend looking for the greatest love of all; turned out it was inside of me the whole time.
- Attn. all: I am unable to poop waffles and pee maple syrup. That, at any rate, is what I told my hungry & impatient 4-year-old this morning.
September 08, 2008
- Having one of my rare good hair days. If you know me in person, please strive to see me before I go to bed this evening.
- Debating whether to watch Hillary Clinton tonight or Battlestar Galactica. Eh, it's cylons either way.
- Free idea for right-wingers: start referring to pro-immigration advocates as "pedrophiles".
- Re. Palin vetting: Heck of a job, POWnie.
- The only thing worse that being stuck in a 3 hour training session is being stuck in a 3 hour training session that you're providing.
- Today I had my first exposure to the TV program "7th Heaven". On the upside, at least now I have the antibodies.
- My mother described "7th Heaven" as "kind of like Murder She Wrote ... in that you'll probably make fun of it on your blog."
August 26, 2008
- "In a move wildly perceived as a major gaffe for the presumptive Democratic nominee, Obama today named arugula as his 2008 running mate."
- In the office restroom, peeing alongside three colleagues. Thought of something funny and loudly guffawed while staring at own penis.
- Who Will Be Obama's VP is the Who Shot J.R. of 2008.
- It's not exactly cosplay, but I have a serious Solomon Grundy hair thing going on today.
- Reviewing your Netflix queue uncovers repressed memories from drunken blackouts. "Buh? When did I put Glitter on here- ohhhhh. Right."
- I appreciate that McCain starts every speech with "my friends" because then I know he's not talking to me and can stop listening.
- My friend told me that her acupuncturist also does cupping. Man, I get slapped when I pull that shit on the bus and this guy is CHARGING for it?
- Hands of woman next to me on freeway fidgeting wildly on steering wheel. Wondered if she was on meth before I realized she was knitting.
August 21, 2008
- I do something wrong: accident. You do something wrong: character flaw.
- I wonder how many newspapers have the headline "Biden: His Time" all queued up and ready for Obama's VP announcement.
- Asked my 4-year-old aspie "what's 14 minus hot dog?" and he laughed uproariously. That joke kills in my household.
- Played Agricola last night, new boardgame that's allegedly better than making love to a cupcake. It's really satisfying! The sex, I mean.
- Oh, and Agricola was pretty good too.
- Christopher Nolan is a nerd godsend. Now I can hold an impromptu, 20 minute conversation about Batman with ANYONE!
- "hey wassup u votin 4 me or wht? txt me bck k?" Getting like seven of these a day. Signing up to receive IMs from Obama was a mistake.
- If "people who stand in the middle of the hallway and hold conversations" were a distinct race, genocide wouldn't seem so bad.
- I thought "flag pin" was destined to be the dumbest political "issue" of all time, but "arugula" is giving it a run for its money.
August 11, 2008
- Attn all: I have decided to stop referring to myself as "morbidly obese" and will henceforth self-identify as "a passionate foodie".
- Today has been admirably proactive in regards to sucking.
- My biggest relationship problem is that I am all give and no take. Specifically showers. Just won't take 'em.
- My local grocery store sells "Popcorn Salt." "No MSG" & "All Natural" boasts the packaging. $2.29 for 3 oz. The ingredients say "salt".
- I'm always amazed when I see someone who still rides a Segway. I feel like I should take them aside and let them in on the joke.
- Each election year is an ethics test for the mainstream media, and the paper is invariably returned with "See Me After Class".
- Wow, metadrug.com is giving Blank, the new oxycodone / cocaine / tobacco hybrid, a 86%. I'll have to check that out.
- Guy on NPR was explaining Extreme Programming to listeners. My god, it's like they are broadcasting FROM THE FUTURE!
- OMG, I wrote a derogatory tweet about some random person I heard on the radio and it turns out he follows me. This is my finest hour.
- War in Afghanistan, rising US / Russia tensions. This WATCHMEN ad campaign is amazing.
July 21, 2008
- Rice cakes are actually pretty tasty, when properly frosted.
- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac threaten America. Actual economic news, not the title to a misguided "Little Rascals" feature film.
- Apparently life expectancy has fallen. Thank god. It's nice to know that people are now expecting less from my life.
- To the kid at the bustop twirling sai: you look more "teenage turtle" than "mutant ninja", I'm afraid.
- Old woman yelled at me as I zipped past on my bicycle. "You scared the PUDDING outta me!" she shrieked.
- NPR: I would gladly contribute if you could guarantee that I'd NOT somehow wind up at the "Rhubarb Tour With Garrison Keillor".
- Some asshole assaulted me while I tried to eat lunch. Now I am shaken and hungry.
- Oh god, I am miserably overfull. I am going to travel back in time 40 minutes and slap that burrito from my own hand before I can eat it.
- I wish I could quit you! But I must instead irritate you until I get fired, if I want to collect unemployment.
July 07, 2008
- Guy on the treadmill next to me looked like he was falling down a flight of stairs for 20 minutes straight.
- I'm doing the 100 Push-Up Challenge. I've eaten 37 today and still going strong, but I think this is going to ruin frozen yogurt for me.
- Clerk at store: "Do you want to help us fight prostate cancer?" Me: "I'm gonna need to know how before I commit."
- Wow, tough day. The street that I sometimes clean found out that it was adopted.
- Just heard from the doctor; apparently my "case of the Mondays" is a chronic, degenerative condition.
- Andy Rooney never ceases to amaze me with his Somehow Still Alivedness.
- Local Arby's: "Now hiring, $9/hr, 50% off meals." The only way that would be an incentive is if they meant 50% less food.
July 01, 2008
- Neighborhood lemonade stand is charging $1 a cup. Those kids are gonna grow up to be an Exxon executives.
- While in a bar I mentioned I was writing a screenplay; cute girl overheard and totally checked me out. Memo to self: tell that lie more often.
- There ain't no problem that alcohol can't solve. Except alcoholism, I guess. Or a housefire.
- A single trip to the dentist dispels the notion that intelligence played any factor in our design.
- These new slacks my wife bought me make my ass look awesome! Also, the pockets are weird. I'm 65% certain they are women's apparel.
June 23, 2008
- The older I get, the less certain I am that the events depicted in Blue Thunder actually took place.
- Million dollar idea: contact lenses with tiny barbs on the inside to constantly scratch your eyes during allergy season.
- Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten that Speed Stick.
- I wish my printer were a person so I could stab it to death with a grapefruit spoon.
- Why I love Wikipedia: "When invigorated by spinach, Popeye can lift or press about 36 tons. "
- I'm going to have to add "Read entire history of Green Lantern on Wikipedia" to my daily to-do list just so I have something to cross off tonight.
- Dear NPR: I will give everyone on your staff a dollar if you stop saying "anti-war protesters." No one is protesting anti-war.
- Whoa, shred WAY too much cheese for our dinner tonight. If you or someone you love needs shredded cheese, contact me IMMEDIATELY.
- Rode bike to work to combat global warming; nature's thanks: a bee sting in the thigh. Fuck you, globe.
- Hearing Third Eye Blind on your Pandora Sigur Rós Radio station is like finding a testicle at the bottom of a latte.
May 28, 2008
- You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Matthew Baldwin. Seriously, it gets me every time. I'm all "Why are you up so early?"
- Have been smelling anise all morning. Someone remind me: does that indicate the presence of Satan or the onset of a stroke?
- Bliss and Tell: Only Googling a neologism or joke AFTER you've used it because you suspect 75,000 people came up with it first.
- Pint of No Return: The beer after which you will drink until drunk. For me it is number four.
- Scott McClellan's new book, summarized: "I totally didn't know I was lying those 630,000 times."
- "Pornography" comes from the root words "porn," which means "pornography," and "ography," which means nothing whatsoever.