The Office
"Personas"
by
Matthew Baldwin
Email: matthewbaldwin@gmail.com
Personas homepage: defectiveyeti.com/theoffice
COLD OPEN
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
Michael is at the front of the room and the rest of the staff
is paired up. Each group has a flipchart, on which they have
jotted down descriptions of fictional people: names, ages,
sexes, occupations, etc.
PHYLLIS, paired with MEREDITH, is standing, addressing the
room, wrapping up her presentation.
PHYLLIS
Gerald's primary paper needs are
eight by eleven white bond for the
printer and number 10 security
envelopes.
MICHAEL
Excellent. Good work Phyllis.
MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Personas are a top-level project
management tool used by business
experts around the world.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
What you do is you make up
characters and pretend that they
are your customers. And then you
ask them for advice on how to
improve. And that way you don't
have to talk to real customers.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight is completing his presentation. The flipchart looks
like a Dungeon and Dragons character sheet, complete with
stats on the left-hand side and a sketch of a barbarian.
STANLEY, his partner, sits nearby, engrossed in his puzzle
book.
DWIGHT
... when in a beserker rage,
Rivenheart can attack twice per
round but is unable to defend.
MICHAEL
(exasperated)
Dwight, you -- Missing the point.
Why does your persona need paper?
DWIGHT
He doesn't need paper. His history
is written in the lamentation of
his enemies.
MICHAEL
Okay sit down. Just-- Sit down.
Dwight does so as Michael wrestles with his irritation.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Who's next? Jim and Kevin.
KEVIN looks at JIM with a giddy smile; Jim nods confidently.
Kevin stands and gestures at his flipchart, on which he has
written a series of bulletpoints describing his persona.
KEVIN
Our persona is "Mark L."
His pronunciation of "Mark L." is almost identical to
"Michael", and he pauses expectantly. When there's no
reaction, he continues, struggling to maintain a straight
face.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
Mark L. is in his mid-40's. Single,
no family, no girlfriend. Dead-end
job as regional manager in a dying
industry. This guy is going
nowhere.
Titters around the room as people recognize the gag. They are
laughing with Michael, assuming he'll catch on at any moment.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
He tells a lot of bad jokes. His
favorite is short, but he knows how
to use it.
Jim hears his prearranged cue.
JIM
That's what she said!
Michael laughs.
MICHAEL
Good one, Jim! Nicely done. Okay
Kevin, let's keep this moving.
Kevin looks uncertain.
KEVIN
He's always walking around the
office interrupting people's work
with pointless stories. Or
insensitive remarks. About their
weight. And baldness ...
MICHAEL
Ugch. Why would you even invent
this guy?
Kevin at a loss. Desperately trying to clue Michael in, he
deviates from the flipchart.
KEVIN
Owns a "World's Best Boss" mug?
Drives a Sebring? His birthday is
March 15th? No, nothing?
In a burst of inspiration, Jim leaps to his feet.
JIM
I think Mark L.'s worst trait is
his utter lack of self-awareness.
He wouldn't even recognize a
description of himself.
(beat; then slowly)
Wouldn't even recognize a
description ... of himself.
Michael looks pensive for a moment, on the verge of
realization. But then he shudders at his mental image of Mark
and says:
MICHAEL
And what are his paper needs?
KEVIN
(to Jim; accusatory)
You said this would be funny.
END COLD OPEN
ACT I
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Flowers crowd the left side of the screen.
MICHAEL
Corporate wanted to send four
people to a Project Management
seminar in New York. A lot of
money. But they forgot two things.
One, I have a phonographic memory.
Two, I have highly honed
presentation skills. And three, I
am focused like a laser on this
company's bottom line.
So I went. By myself. And now I am
re-presenting the material to
everyone, the entire staff.
Probably saved this company twenty
grand, easy.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
He used the money to upgrade his
hotel room to a suite. The
honeymoon suite. How do I know?
She brandishes a form.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
Nothing escapes the scrutiny of
accounting!
(beat)
Also, he brought back the bouquet.
INT. OFFICE
The camera pushes though the blinds on Michael's office.
Michael works at his desk, the left side of which is
dominated by an enormous vase of flowers.
The camera zooms in on a small white card in the middle of
the foliage. It reads: "Congratulations Michael and Ryana"
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING
Michael has brought in three "standees". They are of Steve
Martin (in white suit and arrow through head), Jim Carrey (as
Ace Ventura), and Robin Williams (as Mrs. Doubtfire).
MICHAEL
Now we are going to run through
some scenarios. In a scenario we
give our personas a problem, and
then figure out how Dunder-Mifflin
can solve that problem.
He gestures to Steve Martin.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
So what's a problem that Carl here
might have?
KELLY
He's in love with a girl that he
has been best friends with since
kindergarten, but he doesn't want
to tell her because it would
complicate their relationship, and
in two weeks she is going to marry
someone else.
MICHAEL
No ...
CREED
He awakens in a hotel room with no
recollection of how he got there or
why he has a tattoo reading "Don't
Answer the Phone."
MICHAEL
It's got to be a problem related to
paper.
STANLEY
Maybe he wants to write something
down.
MICHAEL
Right, perfect. So now let's all
brainstorm about how Dunder-Mifflin
could solve his problem.
Long pause.
TOBY
We could give him some paper.
MICHAEL
No. No. Why are you even here?
TOBY
You said it was an all-staff
meeting.
MICHAEL
All staff, Toby. Not all
(struggles)
haff ... assed ... corporate
drones. Who are divorced. Go back
to your desk.
Toby shuffles mournfully from the room. As he does so, he
shoots a glare at "Carl".
Dwight is positioned next to the window; Jim sits next to
him. During Toby's exit, Dwight glances down and notices a
band of bright red spandex around Jim's wrist, as if he was
wearing long underwear.
Dwight's eyes dart to Jim's throat, where he sees more red
spandex peek from within his collar.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Anyone else? How do we solve Carl's
problem? Other than "giving him
paper," obviously.
A long silence as the room is stymied.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Come on, people. When I was in New
York I was answering these
questions like bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
JIM
Well, we don't have a background in
improvisational theater like you
do, Michael.
MICHAEL
Excellent point, Jim. See people,
that wasn't so hard. Let's move on
to another scenario.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I think my background in
improvisational theater probably
accounts for my skill in coming up
with personas and scenarios. I can
come up with, you know.
Snaps his fingers.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MICHAEL
So another scenario might be
(gestures at the Ace
Venture standee)
If this customer whose name is ...
his name, we'll call him ...
Michael scans the room desperately, his gaze settles on
Oscar.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Jesús Martin- uh, nelli.
Martinelli. And Jesús's problem is
that he, that he has, that he is
gay.
OSCAR
(exasperated)
Why does he have to be gay?
MICHAEL
Because it's biological, Oscar.
Okay? It's not a choice.
At that moment, Pam enters.
PAM
Sorry Michael, I have an important
message for Jim.
Pam crosses the room and stage-whispers to Jim, such that
Dwight can't help but overhear.
PAM (CONT'D)
Armed robbery, 3rd and Buchanan.
Jim nods in acknowledgement. After Pam exits, Jim rises.
JIM
(stilted)
Excuse me, but I just remembered an
important charity event I need to
attend.
Jim hurries from the room.
MICHAEL
So let's come up with a scenario
for Jesús. What's something that a
hispanic homosexual might find
difficult?
OSCAR
(under his breath)
Coming in to work each
morning.
Dwight glances out the window. Jim is jogging across the
parking lot, looking around furtively and wearing a domino
mask. Dwight's eyes widen. Just before Jim rounds a corner he
removes his tie and dress shirt, revealing a scarlet, tight
fitting spandex top.
JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD
Pam smiles and Jim struggles to maintain a straight face as
he holds up a homemade superhero shirt with a stylized blue
"J" logo on the chest.
JIM
Soo-per Jim.
PAM
That is so lame.
JIM
What is? "Super Jim"?
PAM
What's the point of having a secret
identity if you're going to use
your real name as part of your
superhero name?
JIM
That ... is a good point, actually.
PAM
You should be The Bluejay.
JIM
The -? Where did that come from?
Pam taps the logo with the big blue "J" in a circle.
PAM
Blue J.
Jim looks at the logo, then at Pam with admiration.
JIM
Nice.
(to the camera)
Now I have to convince Dwight to
join my superhero team.
(beat)
It probably won't be hard.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Fact: people who were exposed to
radiation at a young age invariably
possess latent mutant powers. Fact:
when I was seven I swallowed and
later excreted a glowing rock.
Fact: a balloon vigorously rubbed
on my hair will adhere to a wall.
You do the math.
INT. OFFICE - LATER
The meeting over, everyone exits the conference room. Michael
emerges with the Jesús standee tucked under his arm. Kelly
follows with the Mrs. Doubtfire standee, and Pam with Carl.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS
Pam sets Carl next to the reception desk. Her hand slips as
she sets him down and she receives a paper cut.
PAM
Hey!
Pam sucks the cut while glaring at Carl.
PAM (CONT'D)
Not cool.
INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Michael has set Jesús down right next to Oscar's desk, and is
jotting something down on a Post-It note. Finished, he slaps
it onto Jesús's chest, and then turns to address the room.
MICHAEL
People, we are going to station
our personas around the office as
reminders of who we work for. I
want you to use them as a guides.
If you have a question about what
to do in a particular situation,
ask yourself--
Michael points at the Post-It note, on the top of which we
can see the name "Jesús".
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
What would he do?
Angela scowls.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
As Michael passes on his way to his office, Dwight takes a
large gilt envelope from his top desk drawer and follows.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dwight enters on Michael's tail. He closes the office door,
pivots, and hands the envelope to Michael.
DWIGHT
This is for you.
MICHAEL
What is it?
DWIGHT
Open it.
He starts to tear open the envelope and glitter falls out.
MICHAEL
Dwight! Now I have glitter hands.
God!
Michael pulls the thick card out of the envelope as glitter
showers onto the floor.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Cordially invited ... Final episode
of... What is this?
DWIGHT
I am having a get together tonight,
to celebrate the final episode of
Battlestar Galactica.
MICHAEL
A get together?
DWIGHT
A party.
MICHAEL
Oh yeah? Who's coming?
DWIGHT
People.
MICHAEL
Any women?
DWIGHT
Of course not.
MICHAEL
None? Not even Pam? If Jim's coming
he's going to bring Pam.
DWIGHT
Jim is the last person I would
invite.
MICHAEL
Who are you inviting.
Dwight ticks the invitees off on his index and middle finger.
DWIGHT
Mose. Michael Scott.
(beat)
Except Mose lives there, so
technically I didn't invite him.
Dwight puts down his index finger and holds the remaining
finger aloft.
MICHAEL
Just the three of us?
DWIGHT
We have barn cats.
MICHAEL
I don't .. tonight? I don't think
so. I have plans.
DWIGHT
With whom?
MICHAEL
With a friend. Jesús.
DWIGHT
The persona?
MICHAEL
Dwight, I'm really busy with this
project management stuff right now,
Okay? So I need you to leave.
Dwight snatches the invitation from Michael's hand, gets on
all fours, and uses his hand to sweep the glitter from the
floor into the torn envelope. He clambers back to his feet.
DWIGHT
You are making a mistake. A huge
mistake.
MICHAEL
Well ... That's fine.
INT. OFFICE - JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS
Dwight emerges from Michael's office to find Jim, back at his
desk and looking somewhat disheveled: his hair is tousled, he
has dirt smudges on his face, and his shirt is misbuttoned
with some scarlet peeking through.
DWIGHT
Where were you?
JIM
Oh, I was just--eating lunch.
DWIGHT
I thought you were at a charity
event.
JIM
And I was. A charity luncheon.
DWIGHT
For which foundation?
JIM
The ... Anorexia Defense Fund. It
was great. There was never a line
at the buffet.
DWIGHT
And yet you appear weak and
malnourished, as usual. What did
you eat?
JIM
Oh man, it was so hard to choose.
They had clam chowder and they also
had Greek food. So I was in the
buffet line going, "Soup or gyro?
Soup or gyro?"
Dwight's eyes narrow.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Jim approaches, smiling. He doesn't notice that Pam is
sulking at the reception desk, nursing her wounded hand.
JIM
Operation Bluejay is under way.
PAM
(curt)
Great.
JIM
What's wrong?
PAM
Carl cut me.
JIM
Who?
Pam gestures at the standee in irritation.
JIM (CONT'D)
Right. Of course. You know I have
no head for names.
A beat. Then Pam flares.
PAM
Your fiancee is assaulted and all
you can do is make jokes?
Jim is caught completely off-guard.
JIM
Uhh, no. I mean-- I ... will ...
take care of him. Right now.
Jim picks up the standee and carries it back to his area.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
As Jim sets the standee down behind Andy's desk, he mutters:
JIM
Thanks for getting me in trouble,
Carl.
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - CONTINUOUS
Jim returns to his desk. Dwight is looking at Pam and shaking
his head, having overheard the exchange with Jim.
DWIGHT
Unsurprising. She's due to
menstruate in a few days.
JIM
That's an offensive and sexist
assumption.
Dwight bends over and, from under his desk, produces the Org
Chart he made in the episode "Did I Stutter?" (See:
http://www.nbc.com/the_office/downloads/dunder_mifflin_org_c
art.pdf). He displays it for Jim and taps the "Menstruation
Legend" in the lower-left corner.
DWIGHT
I don't traffic in assumption.
END ACT I
ACT II
PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD
PHYLIS
Michael always had a lot of friends
in high school. He said. Supposedly
they lived in other cities. Most
people thought Michael was lying,
but I never did. It wouldn't be
lying if Michael believed they were
real.
He even had a "girlfriend". Doris
or something. What was her name?
INT. ANNEX - CONTINUOUS
Close up of a Post-It note, which has the name "Darleen",
across the top. Below is a bulleted list of traits: "Pretty",
"Funny", "Loyal to boyfriend", "Breasts", "Uninhibited".
KELLY (O.S.)
So now she's talking about adopting
another kid. That's like five.
Further back, we see that the Post-It is on the Mrs.
Doubtfire standee, which is positioned next to Kelly's desk.
Kelly yammers at it incessantly.
KELLY (CONT'D)
I think she's trying to trap Brad,
because she knows he's going to
leave her and go back to Jen. The
whole thing reeks of desperation.
Kelly stops talking, having seen something. A reverse shot
reveals Michael in the kitchen, staring at Darleen through
the window. He notices Kelly's attention and disappears.
INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS
A close up of a Post-it Which has "Jesús" at the top, and two
items listed below: "Mexican." and "Gay." Further back, we
see Oscar reading the note. He shakes his head in disgust and
returns to his chair.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
A close up of a Post-it, which has "Carl" at the top, and a
bulleted list reading "Stockbroker", "Affluent", "Single",
"Social Drinker", "Likes the good things in life".
Further back, we see Andy is hunched over, trying to work.
Carl stands directly behind him. Andy keeps glancing
nervously over his shoulder at it, unable to concentrate.
Finally he snaps.
ANDY
(to Carl)
What? What?! Stop looming!
INT ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS
Andy stalks over with the Carl under his arm. Without a word
to anyone he swaps it with Jesús and walks away. The
accounting staff look at each other quizzically.
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS
Pam and Phyllis arrive at Jim's desk simultaneously from
different directions. Pam carries a police scanner.
PHYLLIS
Bob and I are going to the food
court. Do you want to come?
PAM
Oh. Sorry, Michael asked me to sit
in on this call.
JIM
Brought my lunch.
PHYLLIS
Maybe next time.
Phyllis exits.
PAM
Can you monitor for a few minutes?
JIM
Sure thing.
Pam hands him the scanner and leaves. As Jim plugs it in and
sets it on his desk, Dwight stares, fascinated and annoyed.
Finally:
DWIGHT
What is that?
JIM
Oh, this? It's a radio.
DWIGHT
Not an FM radio. I can tell by the
lack of effeminate "indie rock" you
presumably enjoy.
JIM
No, it's a police scanner.
Creed is walking by. His ears perk up at the words "police
scanner", and he hovers nervously through the following
exchange.
DWIGHT
Why do you have a police scanner?
JIM
It's a hobby of mine.
DWIGHT
I've never heard you express
interest in law enforcement.
JIM
There's a whole side of me you know
nothing about Dwight. An alter-ego,
if you will.
Creed can contain himself no longer.
CREED
Have you heard of The Policeman's
Creed?
JIM
No, what's that?
CREED
It's a code of conduct that
policemen are expected to follow.
They are always talking about it.
JIM
Okay.
CREED
Like, if one cop is about to go
rogue, the others will say "creed,
creed." To remind him of the code.
JIM
Okay.
CREED
So if you hear anyone saying creed
on your squawk box, that's probably
what they're talking about. I'd
just ignore it.
An awkward pause as Jim and Dwight stare at Creed.
CREED (CONT'D)
Also, are you familiar with The
Policeman's Bratton?
MICHAEL'S OFFICE
David Wallace is on speaker-phone. Pam sits idle in the guest
chair with a notepad.
DAVID
... looking over your reimbursement
forms, and--
MICHAEL
(evasively)
It was a great seminar. Good stuff.
Have you taken it?
DAVID
No, but--
MICHAEL
I'm re-presenting the material to
the Scranton branch. You should
come down, sit in on a class.
DAVID
I'm attending the seminar on
Monday. But I'm calling-
MICHAEL
I'm augmenting the course with some
of my own material, so it's a much
richer experience. People here love
it. Did you love it, Pam?
PAM
You made me stay on phones.
MICHAEL
Well, if she'd seen it she would
have loved it. Trust me.
DAVID
Michael, You were supposed to take
someone from sales, someone from
accounting, and the someone from
warehouse with you to the seminar.
MICHAEL
And ... I did.
DAVID
You did? The forms show only you.
MICHAEL
I took Carl, Jesús, and Darleen.
Michael gives Pam a "this is no big deal" look.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
And it was easier to put it all on
my paperwork since they are new and
I know how to fill it out.
DAVID
They are new what? New employees?
Headcount is frozen across the
board, Michael.
MICHAEL
Not employees. They are temps.
DAVID
Temps are employees. And you
haven't been budgeted for temps
either.
MICHAEL
But we're not paying them. They're
interns.
DAVID
So we're not paying them, but you
took them on an all-expense paid
trip to New York for three days?
MICHAEL
It seemed only fair.
DAVID
But you only got one hotel room.
MICHAEL
We were trying to save money.
DAVID
And yet you used all the money.
MICHAEL
We had some unexpected expenses.
Bail. Big misunderstanding.
There is a long pause. Pam looks horrified.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Are you still there?
DAVID
(defeated)
Yeah ...
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS
Dwight is revising the invitation, the envelope of which has
"Michael" "Kevin", and "Angela" on it. The first two names
are crossed out, and the torn envelope has been repeatedly
repaired with tape.
Dwight crosses out Angela and writes "Andy".
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Andy is eating his lunch. Dwight approaches and extends the
invitation.
DWIGHT
Andrew. I know we've had some
conflict recently, but--
ANDY
Are we going to be friends now?
DWIGHT
(off-balance)
Why?
ANDY
Because I was just thinking: if
Dwight and I were friends, what
nickname would I give him. Then it
hit me: Big Ruta. Since you're a
rutabaga farmer, get it? That way
you and Jim will be Tuna and Ruta.
Dwight jerks the envelope away.
DWIGHT
Invitation revoked!
ANDY
Okay dokey. Catch ya later, Big
Ruta.
INT. PHYLLIS AND STANLEY'S DESK - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Dwight arrives and extends the invitation to Stanley, who
does not take it.
DWIGHT
I am inviting you to my Battlestar
Galactic series finale viewing
party this evening at 10:00.
Stanley puts his head down and resumes work, completely
ignoring Dwight. Dwight stands motionless, arm outstretched,
the invitation inches away from Stanley's head.
DWIGHT (CONT'D)
You will like the show. It has a
prominent black character.
Several seconds tick by. Then:
STANLEY
(without looking up)
You are glittering on my desk.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Dwight approaches the reception desk, carrying the
invitation. He is utterly demoralized.
DWIGHT
May I borrow a pen?
PAM
Sure.
She hands him one. Dwight uses it to cross out "Stanley" and
writes "Pam" in its place. When he is done, he
unenthusiastically extends the invitation to her.
DWIGHT
I would like to invite you to a
party.
PAM
Oh. Well, maybe. When is it?
DWIGHT
9:55.
PAM
9:55 tonight? Uh, well I'll talk it
over with Jim. If we don't have
anything planned we might be there.
Dwight thinks for a moment. Then:
DWIGHT
Jim has already RSVP'd.
PAM
He did? Well that's ... Okay, well.
We'll be there, then.
Dwight lights up like a Christmas tree.
DWIGHT
Really? You'll come?
PAM
Sure. I mean, I guess.
Dwight sprints to his desk and returns a moment later with a
shoe box labelled "BATTLESTAR DO NOT TAPE OVER MOM!!!"
DWIGHT
These are all the episodes. You'll
want to see them before the finale,
to get caught up.
(He glances at his watch)
It's 1:17 now. That only gives you
nine hours. You'll have to watch
them on fast-forward.
PAM
I ... Don't ....
DWIGHT
(still giddy)
I'll see you tonight. At 9:55.
Sharp.
(then, all-business)
Note that guests will not be
admitted to the home after ten
o'clock, so as to not disrupt my
viewing enjoyment.
As Dwight leaves, Pam looks at the camera.
INT. ACCOUNTING AREA
Oscar returns from lunch to find that the Carl standee has
fallen onto Angela's desk.
In doing so it has knocked over a potpourri pot, spilling
scented water and flower petals everywhere.
OSCAR
Angela!!
ANGELA (V.O.)
Before I go home at night, and
before I got to lunch, I put out my
potpourri pot.
ANGELA TALKING HEAD
ANGELA
It masks the stench of sin.
INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS
The accountants are mopping up the mess.
KEVIN
Everything smells like grandma.
Michael wanders over.
MICHAEL
What's going on?
OSCAR
Angela spilled potpourri water all
over our spreadsheets.
ANGELA
Don't look at me. It was Carl.
MICHAEL
Uggh. Okay, new rule. New office
rule: no liquids in the accounting
area. No potpourri, no coffee ...
nothing.
KEVIN
What about soda?
MICHAEL
No soda.
KEVIN
What about diet soda?
MICHAEL
Meredith, this goes for you too.
Meredith?
Meredith is facing her monitor and not paying attention. She
turns as Michael calls her name.
MEREDITH
Sorry, what?
KEVIN
We can't drink stuff in the office
any more. Because of Carl.
MEREDITH
No .. drinking ...?
MICHAEL
New rule.
It takes a moment for the implications to sink in. Then
Meredith lunges at Carl in a feral rage.
MEREDITH
RrrAAAAAARRGH!
Oscar and Michael intercept and restrain her.
INT. PHYLLIS AND STANLEY'S DESK - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Angela arrives carrying Carl. She places the standee next to
Phyllis's desk and flees.
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS
Jim is absent. Dwight looks around, then begins rummaging
through the drawers of Jim's desk.
He find a scrapbook. Inside are photocopied news stories,
with headlines such as "The Bluejay Saves Three" and "Masked
Avenger Captures Killer". Then Dwight stumbles across a front
page, with the headline "Who Is The Bluejay?" Below is a
photo of Jim in him domino mask.
DWIGHT
I knew it!
PAM TALKING HEAD
Pam holds up a copy of Photoshop.
PAM
My three months at the Pratt
Institute have finally paid off.
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS - CONTINUOUS
Jim returns to his desk.
DWIGHT
Hello, Jim. Or should I say: The
Bluejay?
JIM
Shhh!
He motions for Dwight to join him in the conference room.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
JIM
How do you know about The Bluejay?
DWIGHT
Peternatural deductive reasoning is
just one of the many skills I could
bring to your team.
JIM
It's not a team. I mean, sometimes
I work with the League of --
Jim pulls up short, as if he's revealed something he
shouldn't.
DWIGHT
(excited)
Who?
JIM
I've said too much already.
DWIGHT
We should join forces. Every great
hero needs a sidekick. You could be
mine.
JIM
Are you a practicing hero? I
haven't seen you around.
DWIGHT
Well I'm uh, kind of between
missions. At the moment.
JIM
What's your handle?
DWIGHT
I will call myself NukeFist: The
Man With Nuclear Fists.
JIM
And do you have nuclear fists?
DWIGHT
Criminals are a cowardly and
superstitious lot. The name alone
will instill fear in their hearts.
Jim ponders for a moment.
JIM
I been thinking about taking on a
ward. But your gimmick should be
something you know a lot about.
What do you know a lot about?
DWIGHT
Paper. I could be The Paper Tiger.
JIM
Not so fear instilling. What else?
DWIGHT
Beets.
JIM
I like it. Unique. Off the top of
my head I can't think of another
root-themed hero.
DWIGHT
I will call myself NukeBeet: The
Man With Nuclear Beets.
JIM
Why don't we start with Beet Boy?
Alliteration is a crucial element
of sidekickery.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
Dwight's cradles a velvet pouch in his left hand.
DWIGHT
It's go time.
He upends the pouch and a green rock the size of a golf ball
tumbles into his right palm.
He exhales three times quickly, then pops the rock into his
mouth and swallows with extreme difficulty.
END ACT II
ACT III
INT. RECEPTION AREA - AFTERNOON
JIM
He wants in.
PAM
You know, I think we should take it
easy on Dwight.
Jim looks from Pam to Dwight and back to Pam.
JIM
Him?
PAM
Maybe just this once.
JIM
He was discussing your menstrual
cycle earlier, you know.
PAM
That happens every 27 days.
JIM
Why the sudden concern?
PAM
I just think he's having a hard
time right now, with the Battle
Trek thing.
JIM
The what?
PAM
The-- the show he won't shut up
about.
JIM
Battlestar Galactica.
PAM
I think Dwight doesn't have enough
magic in his life, you know? With
this job, and the farm. The only
thing that brings him joy is Battle
Trek, and now that's ending.
Popping his superhero bubble at the
same time might be too much.
JIM
Battlestar Galactica is ending?
PAM
Yeah. Didn't he ...? Aren't we
going to his party tonight?
JIM
I have heard nothing about a party.
PAM
He told me you'd be there! That's
the only reason I agreed to go.
JIM
Wasn't invited.
PAM
That little ...
She glares at the oblivious Dwight.
PAM (CONT'D)
Get him. Jim.
Jim nods in acknowledgement. At that moment, Phyllis enters
with a box. She sets it on the reception desk and makes an
announcement:
PHYLLIS
Mrs. Fields cookies, come and get
'em.
Everyone comes to the desk, except for Kevin (who is in the
restroom). Michael grabs one and impersonates Cookie Monster.
MICHAEL
Me love cookie! Nom nom nom nom
nom!
He eats it frenziedly, with most winding up as crumbs on the
floor. Grinning widely, Michael grabs a second and repeats
the performance.
INT. PHYLLIS'S DESK - CONTINUOUS
Phyllis returns to her desk to find the Carl standee.
PHYLLIS
Why is this here?
ANDY
I don't know.
PHYLLIS
Well, he can't stay. I don't like
him.
PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD
PHYLLIS
My aunt Melissa was killed by an
arrow to the head.
A beat. Then, as if this explains it:
PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
She was a midwife.
INT. PHYLLIS'S DESK - CONTINUOUS
ANDY
I'll get rid of him.
Andy grabs Carl and carries him out of the office entirely.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS
There are only three cookies left when Kevin emerges from the
kitchen. Seeing the box, he hurries to the desk.
KEVIN
Today is awesome.
MICHAEL
No, no, no. Those three are for
Carl and Jesús. And Darleen.
KEVIN
What?
MICHAEL
They are members of this office
too, and deserve cookies just like
the rest of us.
KEVIN
But I didn't get one.
MICHAEL
That's probably for the best,
honestly.
Kevin looks back and forth between Michael to the cookies a
few times. Then he steps toward the box, arm outstretched.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
No! Back up. Back up, Kevin. Five
foot perimeter.
Kevin drops his arm, but his eyes lock on the box. He paces
in a semi-circle, exactly five feet from the cookies, like an
animal at the zoo pacing the fenceline.
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS
JIM
I just received some intelligence.
Scranton's largest gang, the Crazy
Locos, has running a drug lab out
of a hotel room.
DWIGHT
What are they making?
JIM
Devil's Snow. Street name: D-White.
And tonight The Assistant to the
Regional Kingpin will be on the
premise. We can cripple their
operation.
DWIGHT
Tonight?
JIM
Yes. Ten o'clock, Eastern Standard
Time.
DWIGHT
Could ... could we do it early?
JIM
The intel was very specific. He'll
be at the lab from 9:58 to 11:03
only.
Dwight wrestles for a moment. Then.
DWIGHT
Okay.
JIM
(taken aback)
Okay? You ... don't have anything
planned? Because for a minute it
looked like you had something else
planned.
DWIGHT
It doesn't matter. The team comes
first. I'll be there, Bluejay.
JIM
Please don't call me that at the
office.
DWIGHT
Can I call you The BJ?
JIM
You may not.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - CONTINUOUS
Dwight approaches and exchanges a few words with Pam. Pam
returns the invitation. Dwight looks at it longingly for a
few moments, then drops it into the wastepaper basket.
JIM (V.O.)
So now I kind of feel bad about the
whole thing.
JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
I told you not to go through with
it.
JIM
You said I should go through with
it!
PAM
That was after I said you
shouldn't. Always trust my first
hunch.
Jim looks at the ceiling and shakes his fists at the heavens.
JIM
BEEEEEESLEY!
PAM
(cheerfully to the camera)
Marriage is going to be fun.
INT. WAREHOUSE - LATER
DARRYL rounds a corner on a forklift; Carl stands in the
middle of the aisle.
Mistaking it for an actual person, Darryl wrenches the wheel.
The forklift collides with the shelving; boxes of paper
tumble to the ground and burst open.
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS
Dwight is gone. Jim is on the phone.
JIM
Hello, Sadiq? It's Jim ... Yeah,
how you doing? ... Good ... Hey,
remember when you said you could
get like any TV episode ever made?
... Right ... So I was wondering:
does that include episodes that
haven't even aired yet?
Jim looks up as Darryl enters the office, carrying Carl. He
hurls the standee on the floor in front of Pam's desk and
leaves.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - LATER
Pam sticks her head in.
PAM
We're starting in five minutes,
Michael.
MICHAEL
I'll get the tape!
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Pam herds the staff into the conference room, except for
Dwight who continues to work, oblivious to what is going on.
As Michael emerges from his office holding a VHS tape, Andy
approaches carrying the Carl standee.
ANDY
You have got to do something about
Carl.
MICHAEL
What's wrong with Carl?
ANDY
Carl is s a grade-a jerk, is what's
wrong. And he's pissing every one
off.
MICHAEL
Carl? Carl's a great guy. Maybe you
just haven't gotten to know him.
ANDY
Listen to me, Michael: No one likes
Carl. No one.
CARL TALKING HEAD
The head and shoulders of the Steve Martin's standee fill the
frame, as if he were doing a talking head segments. After a
few seconds of silence:.
DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)
Cut! Get this jackass out of here!
INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK - CONTINUOUS
JIM
Partner, we need to talk.
DWIGHT
What is it?
JIM
I am retiring as a costumed
adventurer.
DWIGHT
What?! But we--
JIM
I know. But Pam and I are getting
married soon, and it wouldn't be
fair to her, risking my life on the
gritty streets of Scranton.
DWIGHT
Women have ruined every great
superhero team. The X-Men. The
Beatles.
JIM
But I want to show my appreciation.
For your willingness to join the
team.
Jim gestures toward the conference room.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Michael enters with Carl and his video tape. He looks around,
spots an empty seat directly in front of Toby, and places the
standee on it, completely blocking Toby's view.
TOBY
(to himself)
Come on.
Michael heads towards the TV with his video tape. At that
moment Dwight and Jim enter. After directing Dwight to the
two open seats in the front row, Jim too moves to the
television, which is connected to a laptop by cables.
MICHAEL
(looking at the laptop)
I don't ... can you even get a tape
in there?
JIM
We are not watching that.
MICHAEL
But it's Movie Monday Special
Friday Edition.
JIM
We're watching something else. It's
a surprise.
MICHAEL
Oh, that sounds fun.
As Michael finds an open seat, Jim plugs a thumbdrive into
the laptop, messes around with the mouse for a moment, and
turns to address the crowd.
JIM
Usually on Movie Monday or Movie
Monday Special Friday Edition, we
watch a film that none of us really
enjoys.
MICHAEL
What?! That's not ... we love
Varsity Blues!
JIM
But today we are going to watch
something that one of us will enjoy
enough for everyone. Ladies and
gentlemen, I give you ... the
series finale ... of Battlestar
Galactica.
Dwight sits bolt upright in his chair. Jim turns, clicks the
mouse one last time, and hurries to the vacant seat next to
Dwight.
DWIGHT
How did you ...?
JIM
You would report me to the
authorities if you knew.
Dwight looks genuinely moved.
DWIGHT
Thank you, Jim.
JIM
Not a problem, partner.
In the darkened conference room, we hear "Previously on
Battlestar Galactica". Dwight leaps from his chair.
DWIGHT
What is this? Another of your
infantile pranks?
JIM
It's ... the series finale of
Battlestar Galactica.
DWIGHT
No. There is but one Battlestar
Galactica, starring Richard Hatch,
Dirk Benedict, and Lorne Greene as
Adama.
JIM
The old show?
DWIGHT
Each week for six years I have
watched an episode of the original
in symbolic protest. Tonight I will
watch the 1979 finale to celebrate
the disappearance of this
abomination from the airwaves.
JIM
But you have a sweatshirt for the
new show.
DWIGHT
I wear that ironically.
JIM
Well, sorry. I though you watched
this one.
DWIGHT
Watch a show in which Starbuck is a
girl? Why don't I just castrate
myself while I'm at it? I know how
to do it, you know. I grew up on a
farm.
Dwight storms from the room.
MICHAEL
That was a surprise.
People start to file out, looking relieved.
ANDY
What is up with Ruta?
As Pam passes the dejected Jim, she puts her hand on his
shoulder and murmurs words of comfort:
PAM
I told you to stick it to him.
Toby approaches Jim next and points to the laptop.
TOBY
Can I stay and watch that?
MICHAEL
No. No, because now there will be a
exclusive screening of Varsity
Blues, for those who appreciate
cinema.
Michael looks around and discovers every seat vacant.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Me and Carl.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The staff streams out of the conference room, Jim lastly with
laptop in hand. Behind him, Michael closes the door.
A series of shots, as the staff returns to their desks.
Stanley settles into his chair, looking irritated. Pam goes
behind the reception desk.
INT. ACCOUNTING AREA - CONTINUOUS
The accountants arrive.
OSCAR
Kind of a strange day.
KEVIN
Tell me about it. T.G.I.F.
ANGELA
Don't take G's name in vain.
The three turn, hearing a commotion off-screen.
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
From the conference room, the muted sounds of an argument
erupt.
MICHAEL (O.S.)
That's just your opinion ... I
don't have ... No, no I won't ...
YOU SHUT UP! NO YOU SHUT UP! YOU,
I'M GOING TO--
Suddenly, the cacophony of a physical scuffle. Alarmed, Jim
rises from his chair and moves toward the conference room. At
that moment the door flies open and a flushed Michael emerges
carrying a Carl. The standee looks like it's been pummeled.
Without a word, Michael carries Carl through the office and
out the front door.
MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)
I pride myself on my ability to
distinguish fact from fiction.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
When I saw Milli Vanilli in
concert, I knew they were lip
syncing almost immediately. I could
tell that the Lord of the Rings
movies were mostly fake. I have no
trouble believing that it's not
butter.
Fantasy is important. It helps us
cope with the daily grind. But it's
important to not let it interfere
with your real life.
EXT. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Michael stuffs Carl into a dumpster.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Be it a corporate exercise, that is
stupid ...
INT. BREAK ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Toby, Jim and Pam are eating microwave popcorn and watching
the Battlestar Galactica finale on the laptop.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Or a TV show ...
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Waist-up shot of Dwight sitting on a toilet, straining
mightily.
MICHAEL (V.O.)
Or dreams of grandeur.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
A wise man once said, you can't
keep your feet on the ground if
your head is in the clouds. That is
so true.
(thinks)
Unless you're an eagle, clutching a
piece of ground in your talons as
you fly.
(thinks)
Or if it's foggy.
END ACT III
TAG
EXT. OUTSIDE WINDOW - DAY
Jim is in his Bluejay outfit, crouched outside a window. He
peers in, then speaks into a walkie-talkie.
JIM
I can see the lab. The Assistant to
the Regional Kingpin is here. He
has five-- no wait, six--henchmen.
Are you outside the door?
DWIGHT (O.S.)
(through walkie-talkie)
Roger.
JIM
Okay, on three. One. Two. Three!
INT. HOTEL CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
A dozen or so executives are taking the Project Management
seminar. David Wallace stands at a flipchart.
DAVID
... has one child, an eight-year
old boy, and his annual income--
Suddenly Dwight burst through the door clad in an unwieldly
and homemade beet costume.
DWIGHT
Prepare for a beet down!
A moment of stunned silence. Then:
DAVID
Dwight?
DWIGHT
Frak.
END
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.