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Friday Afternoon Scratchpad

Do The Math

Estimated Number of Fun-Size Candybars My Wife And I Had In Our Trick-Or-Treat Bowl At 5:00 Yesterday Evening: 25

Number of Trick-or-Treat'er We Received all Night: 2

Average Number of Fun-Sized Candybars Given to Each Trick-or-Treat'er: 2

Estimated Number of Fun-Size Candybars My Wife And I Had In Our Trick-Or-Treat Bowl At 11:00 Yesterday Evening: 0

Estimated Time My Sugar High Wore Off: 7:25 this morning.


"There is a hole out there, they believe, a hole that not only appears to be bottomless but has, on at least one occasion, brought an animal back to life. The hole, the story goes, exists outside of town on land once owned by a man who calls himself Mel Waters. For years, he said, it was used as the neighborhood dump for trash, old appliances, dead cattle. When the hole never filled up, Waters measured its depth by lowering weighted fishing line into it. After 80,000 feet, he gave up ..." News story here, website there.

Promising new photo blog: Science Meets Art.

I HATE MAYONNAISE AND MUSTARD!!!!!. Yes. Yes you certainly do.

A Full House Beats a Your Fired

I was drinking hot chocolate out of one of those "Wildcard Poker" paper cups the other day, and I noticed it had a disclaimer on it reading "For Consumer Entertainment Only". Maybe the Wildcard Poker Paper Cup Co. had to fire some employees who were entertaining themselves on the clock.

Speaking of unemployment, here's a joke I just made up: Question: How do you fire a lingerie model? Answer: Give her a pink slip. Holy crap, that's even worse in hypertext than it was in my head! Let us never speak of it again.

Nerd Scam

My wife is a professional Botanist. Yes, I know that's awesome. She used to work for a University, and she occasionally still gets mail at that old address. Last week she received a forwarded missive from the International Biographical Centre. (Motto: So Prestigious We Misspell 'Center'!) The envelope was covered in phony official stamps and seals; the letter within read "We are delighted to confirm your nomination as an International Scientist of the Year for 2002."

It's unclear what duties my wife will have to fulfill in her role of International Scientist of the Year -- ribbon-cuttings at Science 'N' Stuff stores throughout the nation, presumably -- but with such power comes great financial responsibility. If she wants THE OFFICIAL SASH OF OFFICE, for example, she has to cough up $300. It is described as a "silken sash, with golden tassels, woven in a luxurious scarlet red and has the Legend of the IBC along with the words INTERNATIONAL SCIENTISTS OF THE YEAR embroidered in a golden thread." (Apparently they were gunning for the INTERNATIONAL RUN-ON SENTENCE OF THE YEAR award for that one.) The OFFICIAL GOLD GILT MEDAL OF EXCELLENCE also runs for three hundred smackers, as does the PICTORIAL TESTIMONIAL. I dunno, the PICTORIAL TESTIMONIAL sure looks like something I could whip up on my coffee break, but it must be for real because the letter clearly states that, if you buy the testimonial, it "will say something unique about the recipient." On the other hand, how "unique" is it to have something that says you're a dumbass? Look at SUVs.

I find it hard to believe that anyone in the "international scientific community" would be vain and stupid enough to to fall for this codswallop. Psyche, no I don't!.

Three Things I Firmly Believe

  1. Chapstick is more detrimental than beneficial.
  2. People in America do not go to see enough magic shows.
  3. There exists no woman who isn't more attractive in glasses.
Posted on November 01, 2002 to Scratchpad