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Schrödinger's Iraq

My male readers may enjoy this essay I wrote for The Morning News: Schrödinger's Iraq.

My female readers, on the other hand, would probably prefer to be keepin' it real 'n' eatin' some beef.

Posted on February 20, 2003 to Elsewhere


That's right: if there's such a thing as a bad George W. Bush/Schrödinger/"Flowers for Algernon" joke, I haven't heard it.

Great work.

Posted by: Jeremy on February 20, 2003 7:48 AM

another bullseye.

Posted by: adam on February 20, 2003 8:04 AM

Good stuff Matthew.

Posted by: Brad on February 20, 2003 8:17 AM

...was waiting for Al Gore to whip off the Bush mask, but this was a more unexpected twist. Good stuff.

Posted by: Laurie on February 20, 2003 10:06 AM

Quite humorous. I've only been reading your stuff for a couple weeks Matthew, but I'm singularly impressed and entertained...

Posted by: derk on February 20, 2003 11:36 AM

Most excellent piece. I'm going to take the pre-op trannie option however, and share my beef-eating consumption with some telemarketers while enjoying some theorizing about Bush's cat-in-the-box.

Posted by: Choire on February 20, 2003 1:20 PM

I checked out the Beef girlfriends site and clicked on "keeping it real", where I answered a survey: What type of beef do you most like to eat with your friends?


I totally voted for Tacos! I hope you all do too! Goooooo Tacos!

Posted by: Rob Cockerham on February 20, 2003 4:20 PM

I know that as half of your female reader population, I should have totally gone for the girl site, but I like totally liked your all political guy thing! Flowers for Algernon, I so get it.

Man, I hope I'm not like totally crashing the whole guy/gal thing you've got going. I am, like, such a rebel.

(and also, like totally dating myself. No idea what hip young girls are supposed to sound like these days. Perhaps I should study that girl site after all, like you know?)

Posted by: Jamie on February 21, 2003 5:05 AM

Sometimes there are smart articles worthwhile an april fools appearance - coming up one month before time ;-)

Posted by: April Fools on February 21, 2003 5:52 AM

bush referencing schrodinger: hilarious! thank you.
playing to the gender stereotype that only men like science: c'mon.

Posted by: Wynne on February 21, 2003 7:30 AM

after your male readers read your delightful essay, instead of visiting cool-2b-real, they might consider a trip to pork 4 kids.
on the opening page, maybe the boy should say "let's visit the farm" and the pig should say, "build a sadwich with me."

Posted by: alicia on February 21, 2003 8:54 AM

Did anyone click on the beef logo at the bottom of that page? If you did, what’s up with the “$1-per head checkoff”? I have a pretty good idea, but tell me it ain’t so.

Posted by: B on February 21, 2003 10:03 AM

Congratulations on your crack reporting. You'll sleep easy knowing that all the other physicists in my wife's office found Bush's quantum arguments for war so persuasive, they've given up their support for UN inspections.

That is, if you CAN sleep under the North Korean nuclear threat...

Quick question: can you post a link to the official transcript from the WH? Because I want to see if they edit the grammatical mistake Bush made at the end. Thanks again,

both for and against war.
don't ask.

Posted by: greg.org on February 21, 2003 7:19 PM

What if I kept it real, ate some beef, and read about Schrodinger's Iraq?

Does that make me ambidextrous?

Posted by: Dean Esmay on February 22, 2003 2:11 AM

Hermaphroditic, perhaps.

Posted by: Fred on February 22, 2003 8:32 AM

I get it! Bush is really stupid. You've nailed it yet again Matthew. Of course by again I mean that this must be the thousandth time this tired tripe has been paraded as humor. Rise above, or you might begin to believe that your that much smarter.

Posted by: Anonymous on February 24, 2003 8:16 AM

How serious can you really take anonymous insults like that?

Posted by: Fred on February 24, 2003 8:30 AM

Word association multiple choice:

I say "Iraq", you say:

a)"Chemical Weapons"
b)"Equal Rights for Women"
c)"State-sanctioned Rape and Murder"
d)"Human Rights"
e)"Payments to the Families of Suicide Bombers"

Remember kids:


Posted by: Studebacher Hoch on February 24, 2003 9:35 AM

beautiful, simply beautiful.. sniff, sniff

Posted by: apt7 on February 24, 2003 11:05 AM

Ha! I found the cool2bereal site before you. I looked at it weeks ago!

What about the world's fittest boy, have you linked to that site yet?

Posted by: Bryan Rankin on February 25, 2003 3:48 AM

$1 per head checkoff - apparently cattle producers are supposed to pay $1 per head of cattle towards the promotion of beef eating. Why is the government trying to make us eat beef?

Posted by: Rob on February 25, 2003 7:34 AM

Because, Rob, every cow is a Weapon of Grass Destruction.

Posted by: Rory on February 25, 2003 7:53 AM

love it. love. it. (

Posted by: Lacey on February 25, 2003 2:02 PM

Wait I liked Schrodinger's Iraq. Loved it actually...But I'm a FEMALE reader. What's that about? Should I doubt my femininity now?

Posted by: Miel on February 25, 2003 7:27 PM

Ha Ha, Ho Ho, He He.

The 2 be cool site was awesome! Thanx for the link. The whole cat in the box thing was pretty cool too.

Uuuuh... ummm. Yeh. So, do you wanna maybe go on a date sometime,Matt?

Posted by: me on February 27, 2003 9:45 PM

Heard your Legonomics piece on Marketplace this afternoon! Totally awesome.

Posted by: Hillary on February 28, 2003 6:48 PM

seconding greg.org's request for clarification--
I’m pleasing to report that in January I undergone some experimental surgery at the Beekman College--
Is this where the surgery begins to wear off and the patient reverts, as charly did in the work of fiction?

and, confidential to the anonymous poster: that would be "you're", not "your", i think, actually. [i wonder if he/she has visited potus.blogspot.com yet...]

Posted by: r@d@r on March 13, 2003 3:37 PM