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I'd Like To Mock The Academy

Every year my friends and I gather to watch the Academy Awards and see who among us can make the best, ad lib, smartass comments as the events unfold. Some of last night's contenders:

Scene: Steve Martin's opening monologue.
Comment: "I'm glad to see that, out of respect for the war effort, they decided not to use funny jokes this year."

Scene: Catherine Zeta-Jones rises after being announced the winner of the "Best Supporting Actress" award.
Comment: "Holy smokes! That thing should be named 'Best Supporting Dress'!"

Scene: Catherine Zeta-Jones, in her acceptance speech, says "This is to my husband, who I love and share this award with."
Comment: "Actually, she has to share the award with him. It was in the pre-nup."

Scene: Adrien Brody makes out with Halle Berry before receiving his "Best Actor" award.
Comments: First Male - "Is it just me, or was that wholly inappropriate?"
Second Male - "That was was wholly inappropriate."
Female - "Oh come on. Given the chance you'd do the same thing."
Second male - "That's true. And it would be wholly inappropriate."

Scene: Elliot Goldenthal is announced the winner of the "Best Score" award for Frida, and the Academy Awards Band plays festive, Mariachi-style music as he approaches the stage.
Comment: "Oh, I'm glad he won. I love his work on those Azteca commercials."

Scene: Roman Polanski is named "Best Director" for The Pianist.
Comment: "Booyah! Like I always say: never bet against the Holocaust movie or the actor playing a disabled guy!"

Scene: Nicole Kidman concludes her acceptance speech for the "Best Supporting Actress" and steps away from the microphone.
Comment: "Wouldn't it be great if she was all like 'Oh yeah, one more thing: Tom is gay'."

Posted on March 24, 2003 to Movies


Tom isn't gay??

Posted by: K on March 24, 2003 3:58 PM

If y'all liked Adrien Brody, I can recommend the movie "harrison's flowers" which went straight to video. It's not a *great* movie, but it's a good one, dealing with the conflict in Yugoslavia, and he has the best role in it.

Seeing him in these movies, and even on TV last night, I can't believe he's the same human being who came to the HF screening and answered questions--if you could call it that--afterward. He was the single most dull public speaker I had ever even *imagined*. That includes my college years. Or perhaps the single most clinically depressed. Certainly, if there had been a flagon of hemlock on the podium next to him, I wouldn't have been even mildly surprised if he had just broken off in mid-sentence and downed it. I was like, who the hell is this guy and what is wrong with him? Of course, I know now that he had just come back from shooting the Pianist. Maybe he was exhausted.

Posted by: K on March 24, 2003 4:04 PM

Sorry, man, but Bill Simmons and his mom outdid you:


Posted by: Yeti Fan on March 24, 2003 6:45 PM

the 'booyah' comment is too true.

Posted by: gloria on March 24, 2003 8:49 PM

you're not funny.

Posted by: jon on March 24, 2003 10:54 PM

... you're hilarious!

Posted by: jon on March 24, 2003 10:55 PM

Scene: Nicole Kidman is trying to start her acceptance speech and says, "Russell Crowe told me not to cry, and I'm crying anyway."

Dude, way to name-drop at the Oscars.

Posted by: Nick on March 25, 2003 6:34 AM

Best Supporting Dress definitely goes to Queen Latifah. The world hasn't seen hydrolics like that since the building of the Panama Canal.

And aren't you wondering if someone threw the cell phone on stage during Steve Martin's opening so he could call Letterman for better material? He was just about doing Letterman's shtick anyway....

Posted by: Laurie on March 25, 2003 7:48 AM

Scene: Nicole Kidman is in view.
Comment: It doesn't matter if Tom is gay or straight. He's just flat STUPID.

Posted by: Lost Poke on March 25, 2003 8:38 AM

I thought Steve Martin's monologue was funny; now I wonder what's wrong with me!

Posted by: Eric on March 25, 2003 5:55 PM

Two people won best supporting actress? That is weird....Nicole SUPPORTS NO ONE! She is now self suffcient like any millionaire.

Posted by: Monkey on March 28, 2003 6:43 AM