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It's My Job ... To Freeze You!

The Queen had an engagement yesterday evening, leaving me with the house all to myself. So I did what any wild-at-heart, red-blooded male would do, given a night of unexpected bachelorhood:

  1. Had Grape-Nuts and beer for dinner;
  2. Watched Logan's Run on DVD.
Matthew Baldwin: married but not domesticated.

I was surprised by how good it was. The beer, I mean. Logan's Run was a calamity. I picked it up after a few people expressed mystification that I had never seen it. When I mentioned this to The Queen, for example, she reacted as if I had told her I was missing a lung. Everyone emphatically urged me to correct this historic oversight. "It's just so, so, so very, very, very bad," they would say. "You must rent it immediately."

And I did. And I watched it. And I learned some astounding facts about the future.

  • We will live in a domed city, which, judging from the opening shot of this film, will be seven inches high and surrounded by Hi-Ho Train Model trees.
  • Criminals will try to escape the law by going to the most public place in town and hiding behind a potted plant.
  • We will be so technologically advanced that, every seven minutes or so, loud "Bee Boo Boo Beep!" noises will echo throughout city.
  • Even the most mundane conversation will be filled with exposition:
    A: I wish I knew who my seed-mother was.

    B: What's wrong with the Incu-droids? And, besides, you know that even thinking thoughts like that is will get you in trouble with the Conformity Council.

    A: I know. But I'm 29 years old, and since all citizens of Galatropolis are killed at the age of 30, what do I have to lose?

  • Apparently the whole "Death with Dignity" movement will have collapsed by 2274, since shuffling off the mortal coil in Logan's Run entails the wearing of Stupidest Costume Ever, flying into the air, and exploding.
Even the credits of this movie are bad. I mean, if you made a motion picture predicated on the idea that all people die at 30, would you put "And starring Peter Ustinov as Old Man" in the opening? Um, spoiler, dude.

And don't even get me started about The Robot Scene. Oh brother, The Robot Scene. Where did that come from? Still, I can't say that I wasn't warned. Last month some friends and I were discussing 80's Ending, and I said "my favorite part was how they stuck that robot scene in there for no reason." And then my buddy said, "You mean like The Robot Scene in Logan's Run?" After I confessed that I had never seen Run, he said "It's this bizarre scene where ... well, they must have really wanted to get a robot in there somewhere, right? So they filmed this robot sequence that doesn't have anything to do with anything? And then just spiced it on in there." I said that I though that was a pretty good idea for any movie, frankly, and that I wanted to start a business that took mainstream movies and turned them into movies about robots. Like, you know how porn movie guys take popular films and remake them into adult pictures like Terms of Inrearment and For Your Thighs Only and E-3: The Extra-Testicle, where they use the plot outline from the original movie to string together a bunch of sex scenes? Those are the kind of movies I would make, except that instead of sex scenes it would have robot scenes, and the movies would have titles like My Big Fat Greek Robot or 2 Fast 2 Robots or West Cyborg Story or Saving Private Ryan's Robot or whatever.

ANYway! I did like the ending of Logan's Run, simply because it was exactly the same as every 70's-era science-fiction movie ending: somebody blows up the computer by making illogical statements. You can't beat the classics. It's a shame they don't use that any more. Wouldn't it be awesome if that's how the Wachowski brothers ended Matrix Revolutions?

The Source: Your journey ends here, Neo. I am The Source, the self-aware synthetic intelligence that controls the Matrix and all of mankind.

Keanu: Up is down! Black is white! Cats are squirrels! I can act!

The Source: D0ES N0T C0MPUTE <crashes>

I'd pay nine bucks to see that.

Posted on June 20, 2003 to Favorite Posts, Movies


I so want one of those "sex teleporters"
if you get bored, you just jump on in, and see where the day takes you..

Posted by: kactus on June 20, 2003 3:09 PM

I remember reading the "Logan's Run" book (which is really more of an extended short story) when I was a kid. I was enthralled and read it over and over; I was totally psyched that they were going to make a movie. The movie, of course, sucked, even for a little kid. It was the moment for me, that happens to everyone, when you first realize movies don't equal books. Fuckin' grownups.

Now, it's been a long time, but I think I might still vouch for the book being a decent story.

PS: You're right of course, the robot in the movie wasn't a robot in the book!

Posted by: LuckyNotLucky on June 20, 2003 3:51 PM

I would love to see My Big Fat Greek Robot.

Posted by: modofo on June 20, 2003 6:56 PM

In my local crappy video store they have
"The Bare Wench Project", with the tagline
"Lost in the woods. No food. No clothes."

Posted by: Squidocto on June 21, 2003 12:41 PM

I have to say that I loved this movie when I was a kid and caught it on TV every other month. Plus, the fact that the robot "Box" has the voice of Roscoe Lee Brown (who, next to Keith David, has one of the coolest voices around) really did it for me. Oh, and for a great review of "Logan's Run":


Posted by: Daniel Kibler on June 21, 2003 2:26 PM

seventh sign of the apocolypse?


Posted by: steve on June 21, 2003 3:20 PM

You are the most brilliant and hilarious thing I have come in contact with all week.

Posted by: Simon on June 21, 2003 7:28 PM

I just want to know if Grape-Nuts taste good in beer?!

Posted by: emersonavenue on June 22, 2003 9:01 PM

I think you should take porn movies and make them into robot movies. They could have titles like "Robots Gone Wild" or "Jenna Loves Robot" or "Where the boys aren't, but the Robots are."

Posted by: KOTWF on June 23, 2003 4:38 AM

Luckynotlucky: "It was the moment for me, that happens to everyone, when you first realize movies don't equal books."

I was watching "The Crow" on TBS last night and one line in particular caught my attention for the first time. It was a part when "Brooding Evil Dude" was talking to his sister/lover and said: "My father told me the day you realize you are going to die is the day you're grown up" or something. I thought that was an interesting idea, but I think Luckynotlucky hits it just as well.

Posted by: caw-caw-bang on June 23, 2003 9:14 AM

Not to sound like too much of a fanboy, but Box (the robot) actually did have a purpose in the film. He was supposed to collect food from the sea for the city. Something happened, and the seafood stopped coming so he started collecting the people who were fleeing to sanctuary instead. Therefore, his place in the movie was to tell what had happened to all the escaped runners (he froze them).

I think the secret to liking this movie is to have seen it before age 10, and when the effects weren't quite so dated.

Posted by: ScrapOfCat on June 23, 2003 9:47 AM

[ tongueincheek ] I think it's an almost spiritual experience to wear the Stupidest Costume Ever, fly into the air and explode. There's just something so etherial about it.

Yeah... that's how I want to go. [ / tongueincheek ]

Posted by: Chari on June 23, 2003 11:33 AM

I'd pay more than nine bucks to see Keanu blow up...

Posted by: Laurie on June 23, 2003 11:37 AM

But any movie in which Jenny Agutter takes off her clothes because she's cold and wet ("here, let's take off our clothes) and puts them on ice to dry is cool with me.

Posted by: scotty the body on June 23, 2003 7:30 PM

So i have stumbled upon your site...and to be blunt i have greatly enjoyed reading the things you have had to say....I have found myself laughing quite hard.....
would you mind if i linked you to my site??
If not just let me know...


Posted by: Rachel on June 25, 2003 1:55 PM

on a side note...i would also LOVE to see
"My big fat Greek Robot"

HOpe to see it in film one day....
until then....

Posted by: Rachel on June 25, 2003 1:56 PM

"Even the credits of this movie are bad."

I used to pre-judge a movie by it's opening credits. I figured if they bothered making good credits they likely bothered making a good movie. Naive perhaps but it seemed to work.

For years now it seems all opening credits are just various forms of text. That's why I was delighted to see the opening credits in 'Catch Me If You Can'.

And, it was a good movie.

Posted by: bob on June 25, 2003 2:08 PM

You crack me up. I read this over at Super Fast Computer and then linked over to your site.
Your world observations are the best!

However I like Logans Run, and yes it is cheesy.
As for robots, well at least it doesn't have Huey and Dewey.

Posted by: pipper-noiter on June 26, 2003 1:51 AM

Oh no, not SILENT RUNNING!!!!!!!

I thought it was great when I saw it as a child, but wanted to gouge my eyes out after seeing it again as an adult. Me in the video store: "Oh my god, it's that awesome movie who's name I haven't been able to remember for years!"


Posted by: David Mercer on June 26, 2003 10:07 PM

come back yeti! come baaaaack!!!

Posted by: bodhisatta on June 27, 2003 1:58 PM

[scotty the body]But any movie in which Jenny Agutter takes off her clothes because she's cold and wet ("here, let's take off our clothes) and puts them on ice to dry is cool with me.

I *knew* there was a reason I liked this film!

As for film credits, has anyone seen the film Farenheit 451? There's a novelty...

Posted by: David Way on June 30, 2003 11:56 AM

Why no comments links from the latest entries? It's like you're back, except you're not...

Posted by: Eva on July 1, 2003 8:50 AM

You guys pay $9 to see a movie!? Holy crap. Yet another reason I love the south.

Posted by: Budro on July 1, 2003 10:27 AM

i'll be back. nice site.

Posted by: edna million on July 1, 2003 7:51 PM

I had just turned 10 when Logan's Run came out and that sure makes a difference. I recommend being 10 for all SciFi movies. I saw it at summer camp! I hadn't seen anything like it before. Lights on hands! Laser plastic surgery! Electric Sex Dumbwaiters! They all walked around in a mall all day! It was 1976. I had never seen saw a mall before. It looked pretty cool. I wonder what else from the 70's wasn't really cool after all? ;-)

Posted by: Ken Beer on July 12, 2003 6:35 AM

I concur with the "you have to be 10 to get the most out of bad sci-fi" but I would add that you can get the same enjoyment when in college on those long not-so-sober nights. Only ones this didn't work for me with were "Buckeroo Banzai", possibly the WORST bad sci-fi movie of all time, and "Cool World", the only movie I've ever considered gnawing my own arm off to get away from(having been dragged to the theater by a friend).

Keep it up, Yeti, you're Fabulous!

Posted by: Jamie on July 29, 2003 1:30 PM

Ye gods. Friend gave me a link a while ago to your site, and I randomly decided to skim through some of it. I'm so upset. I've been talking for years about redoing movies with two changes: (1) replace a random character with a random muppet (2) let it end where it was supposed to.

Admittedly, this would end most Bond movies in the first 3 minutes. But imagine the horror on theater-dwellers when they see the villain actually just shoot and kill the bad guy right up front.. or worse...

"My name.. is Octopiggy!"

Posted by: rev on October 14, 2003 2:43 PM

Hey. You seem to have a regular commenter or emailer named Laurie Boris. I have no idea if this is the Laurie Boris I was once friends with at Syracuse University, but could you forward her the message that Darren (she'll know which Darren) is having his first novel published by PublishAmerica? I have no idea if she ever wants to talk to me again, but I think she'll be happy for me.



Posted by: D. on November 27, 2003 6:19 PM