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IKEA Strategy Guide

Today I am The Morning News Non-Expert.

Posted on January 23, 2004 to Elsewhere, Favorite Posts


the IKEA cheat sheet is sheer genius! thanks for the brilliant work

Posted by: ingrid on January 23, 2004 7:48 AM

Check out www.bowlingball.co.uk if you get a chance.

It's not a blog, but its blogging funny.


Posted by: alan nisbet on January 23, 2004 8:29 AM

I would recommend playing IKEA in the multi-player mode. I've only tried IKEA once and that was in single player. What a disaster!

I finished with a dish strainer and a food canister and that's it. Oh, and playing with you screen on the highest color resolution may cause seizures. I suggest 16 bit color.

Posted by: Duane on January 23, 2004 8:44 AM

It's only 11:52am and my day is made. Time to start drinking. Thanks Matthew!

Posted by: chrs on January 23, 2004 9:52 AM

"Now you are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike."

Now, you've gone and done it. I'm in a full-tilt Infocom nostalgia trip. Why, oh, why did someone have to go and invent graphics?

Posted by: MelancholyPlatypus on January 23, 2004 10:05 AM

One of the best walkthroughs I've ever read. Thanks for sharing it!

Posted by: pizeek on January 23, 2004 10:38 AM

oh man, this was excellent. dallas is getting an IKEA next year. i'll be ready.

Posted by: cos on January 23, 2004 1:25 PM


Posted by: Kunal on January 23, 2004 6:32 PM

It has been long established that you're a funny man. But that, sir, is funny.

I've been chuckling over the "have to hit a person 16 times with it to kill them" line at random moments ALL DAY. It's like hiccups. I just hope to God it stops amusing me soon, or else there could be awkward moments in bed with my girlfriend tonight.

Posted by: Yet another goddamn Matt on January 23, 2004 7:21 PM

"a maze of twisty little passages, all alike"

Ah, now you've done it! Yer killing me!

Posted by: mike on January 23, 2004 10:46 PM

and may I request the walkthrough (with cheats) for Costco 2.3?

I torrented this but I keep winding up with too much stuff.

Posted by: mike on January 23, 2004 10:49 PM

Wonderful IKEA MUD. This is great stuff, Mr. B.

Posted by: scott partee on January 24, 2004 6:26 AM

If you never do anything else to make this world a better place to live in, at least you've helped inspire thousands of lunatics to dash around IKEA like human bumper cars while jibbering like The Swedish Chef! A new sport is born!!!

Posted by: mr. grooism on January 24, 2004 9:30 AM

I guess I would have found this funnier if I had known what an IKEA was before I started reading....

Posted by: Martin Alak on January 24, 2004 10:19 AM

Very, very, VERY clever. Hysterical! Like the others,
the "twisty passages" paragraph transported me back
in time. The Swedish Chef part was brilliant.

Maybe in the next version, you can include how to navigate "furniture pickup" and "home delivery" ... You think it always ends with checkout?? HA!!!

Posted by: geena on January 24, 2004 11:09 AM

there can be a whole line of games with the ikea theme. just imagine the parking lot adventure and weapon selection for home depot!

Posted by: matt (no relation) on January 24, 2004 12:34 PM

I just returned from IKEA, where I picked up a new computer chair. I love it, but don't know if it was worth selling my soul to get it... or the three-mile hike to get from the entrance, to the desk chair section, to checkout. I was focused and efficient, only bought one item, and it still took an hour.

Posted by: Mindy on January 24, 2004 3:19 PM

That was pretty much the best non-expert yet.

Posted by: Sarah B. on January 24, 2004 4:58 PM

Can't stop laughing...think I'm gonna be sick...
Oh my God, that was funny.

Posted by: Erin on January 24, 2004 7:59 PM

don't forget the highly painful decapitations that occur by means of the paper tape measures. this is especially true if, like me, one’s first move is to wrap the ptm around the neck like a scarf. ow.

Posted by: kat on January 25, 2004 1:42 AM

Could only have been better if it came with a highlighter pen to reveal the answers as you go along.

Posted by: destro on January 25, 2004 11:33 AM

Thank you. Thank you so much. You've made a sad man, just that little bit happier. :)

Thank you so much... :)

Posted by: James Metcalf on January 25, 2004 3:13 PM

I am shocked and appalled that any of you find this crap funny...

Oh wait, I thought I was still at carrottop.com.
Never mind.

Posted by: mr. grooism on January 25, 2004 5:12 PM

"When you enter the office furniture section, search the back wall and acquire the NOMINELL swivel chair with lockable tilt tension and gas-lift seat-height adjustment. Using this to propel yourself through the remainder of the level will greatly improve your time."

Great Reference to Harry the Handsome Executive (Go Ambrosia!!! http://www.ambrosiasw.com/games/harry/)

Posted by: Chaosgasket on January 26, 2004 11:49 AM

Yay! I effing hate that place (yet always wind up there because I'm a cheap bitch). Your walkthrough was perfect.

Posted by: Lauren on January 26, 2004 1:56 PM

That was so damn funny, I'm probably going to get in trouble at the office for giggling too much.

Posted by: Anemone on January 26, 2004 3:16 PM

Excellent ASCII work. Great writting, too. Fun-ny, I just finished watching the Strong Bad where you can play his text-based adventure. And I went to Ikea with the g-friend for the first time just this past weekend. And then I wrote about it on my blog (jeffwerner.ca/fun/), and then I read yours. Particle board furniture works in wonderful ways.

Posted by: Jeff Werner on January 27, 2004 12:10 AM

Dude, that was motherfucking hilarious. I was just there on Sunday, too.

Posted by: SJ on January 27, 2004 12:35 AM

Hilarious - people were came in to see what the hell I was laughing at. I also liked the ASCII work - reminds me of the good old days of BBS.

Posted by: Bob on January 27, 2004 9:33 AM

If Playstation II does not come out with MissionImpossible:3:IKEA
and pay you boatloads of royalties, there is no justice in the world.

Posted by: boomrat on January 27, 2004 12:22 PM

The strategy guide was invaluable but after following the cheats to the letter I ended up with nothing but three Corras Bedside Tables. I think I need a patch.

Posted by: pdurand on January 27, 2004 6:13 PM


Posted by: jill on January 28, 2004 11:41 AM

Like Jill said. We are not wooorthy . . .

With great admiration.

Posted by: Edith on January 28, 2004 12:38 PM

Don't mind me. ...Just lurking in your life. I had to add my kudos to the growing kudo pile, though. That was great.

I don't think my mother twinked me enough upon my creation to facilitate ease in the world of IKEA.

I'll have to talk to her about that.

Posted by: Curiosity on January 28, 2004 6:23 PM

This made me put my head down on my desk and laugh. Thank you.

Posted by: Sharon on January 30, 2004 11:01 AM