<< The Magician | DIY Oscar Pool Page >>
The Bad Review Review: Darkness Falls

Christian Slater and Tara Reid star in Alone In The Dark:

"Saying Uwe Bollís Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

"No better than whatever you might pick up while wearing a blindfold at Blockbuster, even if you happen to reach into a trash can." -- Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"Trying to rehash this plot is like trying to describe a Jackson Pollock painting while drunk" -- Pete Croatto FILMCRITIC.COM

"Anyone who spends 10 bucks seeing it ought to get 11 bucks change and a written apology from the director and cast." -- Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

"If you took the 100 worst ideas ever conceived for a science-fiction film, rattled them around in a Lotto tumbler and spilled them out onto the screen at random, you could not produce a more asinine hodgepodge." -- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

"As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would would have a lot more personality." -- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Slater narrates as if reading a restaurant menu. Reid seems to have learned each long sentence in segments, so she wouldn't be overtaxed." -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

"Think of the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. Now think of Tara Reid in the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. See how much worse it could have been?" -- Janice Page, BOSTON GLOBE

"So mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality. " -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

"Proves that it's possible to 'dumb down' a video game." -- Philip Wuntch, DALLAS MORNING NEWS

"Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -- Chris Kaltenbach, BALTIMORE SUN

"Tara-ble. " -- Russell Scott Smith, NEW YORK POST

Current Rotten Tomatoes rating: 01%.

Update, 02/02: The Rotten Tomatoes composite rating has creeped up to 2%, now that it has two "fresh" reviews. The first comes from a critic who lauded Catwoman and described Return of the King as "a seriously flawed piece of work that is missing that certain element called 'believability'". The second "positive" review gives Alone In The Dark a ranking of one star and raves "for reasonable moviegoers, there is no reason on Earth why you should waste your valuable time and money on the likes of Alone in the Dark ... total crap." Damning with faint praise, if you ask me.

Also, check out the trailer for director Uwe Bollís next x-box-to-celluloid project, BloodRayne. It's hard to pick one single moment in that preview to cite as my favorite, but I did really like the part where they dramatically introduce the title character by mumbling.

"Does she have a name?"

"I heard she murrmurmurrmur."

And until I hear otherwise, I'm going to assume that Ben Kinsley was digitally Jar-Jarred into this film without his permission.

Related: http://www.uweboll.com.

Posted on January 28, 2005 to Bad Review Revue