You Got To Cool It Down
The 30 least hot follow-ups to the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman
Posted on March 17, 2005 to Favorite Posts, Humor
- "Good morning Cheryl. I mean, um, Sharon."
- "Is it okay with you if I take this slow? I haven't done this in, like, fifteen years."
- "I can't stop touching you. Stupid OCD."
- "Want to join me in the shower? Grouting's more fun with two!"
- "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you. Uh, I mean centimeter of you. I keep forgetting you are Canadian -- thank god."
- "I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that's the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He'd take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn't hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn't -- holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That's gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?"
- "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria -- but, seriously dude: if you gotta explain it, the answer is "no.")
- "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito." (Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.)
- Her name -- her full name -- followed by a "Wow"? Followed by "Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?"
- "I'll get the light sabers, you get the tickets to Revenge Of The Sith."
- "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend. Yes, right here in the strip club."
- "No one's ever done that before and lived."
- "Can we do that again? I forgot to hit record on my camera."
- "I love your [fill in body part here]." No, not the bile duct, you idiot -- an external body part.
- Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Then continue shutting down all effective means of communication between the two of you for the next thirty years of your marriage.
- While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." While looking at the people currently in bed with her: "lucky bastards."
- While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see? I see Gene Hackman."
- I'll go make coffee. How much low-fat Irish Cream flavored sweetener do you like in your Sanka?"
- "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you, because you steal all the covers while sleeping."
- "Let's play hooky today. You won't get in trouble -- I am your principal, after all"
- Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot" or "Ever since we ate that dim sum I haven't felt so hot."
- "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing. Seriously, just give it squeeze. Just gooooo ahead and squeeze it, any time now. As soon as it feels amazing. Or, you know, feels adequate -- whatever."
- Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate. Or "Schmuck."
- "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now than getting dressed and hitting the road, but I guess I'm obligated to lie here next to you for another 20 minutes."
- "I'm ready to go again. Too much fiber, I guess."
- "Damn, I've missed you. Hang on while I reload."
- "How about a massage? Let's start with my feet."
- Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.
- "Don't ever leave me the check."
- "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby." A moment later: "Yep, we still have a baby. Goddamnit!"
30 least hot follow-ups made me nearly die laughing. Unfortunately, numbers nine and ten felt way too familiar to me...I think I've had a guy say similar things about starwars, and I've definitely heard "WOW..huh, world of warcraft." I guess that tells more about me than I wanted to admit.
"Damn, I've missed you... The house is a MESS!."
I actually had to stop reading this half-way through because I was laughing so hard I was going to wake up the babies.
Thank you. It's been a while since I burst out laughing in the silence that is my office. Really - thanks.
"I'll go make you a burrito."
This is just bizarre. Who gets aroused at the thought of eating a burrito naked? Wait... unless "burrito" supposed to be slang for something sexual?
But no, that still wouldn't be hot.
As a woman, I have some advice for any guy who is thinking of using any of those lines: you will sound cheesy and fake and she will laugh in your face.
Now, if you use some of Matthew's lines, she'll probably still laugh, but it'll be okay, because you're meaning to be funny.
And I just want to say that I laughed so hard at those follow-ups that coffee came out of my nose and splattered my key board. Seriously, this is the funniest site I think I've ever seen. Keep up the awesome work!
Ohhh yeah, wait until my blog readers read about THIS!
Are you done making me a sandwich?
I died laughing when I read this last night. Then I printed it out for Andreas to read. Then I linked it. Now I'm circulating it around the office. THIS HUMOR WILL NEVER DIE!
Holy crap was that funny.
or as a friend of mine said to a girl when trying to explain how he loved how cuddly she was: 'you're not exactly slim are you.' Oops.
Words that end in "uck."
Like Chuck! Oh, yeah. I'm in.
Sweet fucking Jesus, you actually had me laughing to the point of pain.
1. I want to lick champgane off your naked body all night because frankly, you taste rank and I'll need to be pissed before I can go down on you.
2. Of course you're the first today. From the McGregor family. Apart from your older brother Kevin, obviously...
Very funny stuff Matthew!
Matthew, once again you are my hero.
holy christ dude, that was awesome. :)
I think there is nothing more hot than watching a woman cram a big chorizo, egg, and bacon burrito down her piehole...
What about (#31) Pull my finger...?
Did you go on to read the "what not to say postings"?
This should be from Men's Mental Health magazine. Sick stuff.
And some of the guy's sigs??!!??
>>>"I love cocunuts you can break them open, they smell like ladies lyin in the sun."
And this "average joe" hasn't been snatched up?
This was funny to the point to where I was embarrassed I was still laughing out loud. Thanks.
Memo to self. Do not read this post while eating. Laughter and food are a bad mix. Put screen and keyboard cleaner on shopping list.
Good, good, good, good times.
(Really Men's Health, isn't getting a woman naked the hard part? I say, once the clothes are off, don't risk saying anything "hot." Unless you follow up the "hot" with "diggity," of course.)
Number 28 is how I feel right now. :)
Um. Am I the only one who would be totally psyched to get a burrito? Burritos are good! (But honey, don't MAKE me a burrito, go buy me a burrito and get me some horchata while you're at it.) And then, let's get the hell out of bed and so somewhere outside, preferable where the wind is blowing.
Am I the only one who found this a bit overrated? I don't understand how some people are bursting out laughing. Is there any background that makes this so hilarious?
Burritos are hott. Double-t hott. Gawd, what's wrong with you people?!
You're supposed to read the Men's Health article first, then read this. It makes it much more funny.
# While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see? I see Gene Hackman."
"I see dead people."
I'm writing crib notes of these all over my room so that the next time my girlfriend is foolhardy enough to do it at my place I can ensure that her drive home is A) precisely when I decide it should be and B) uncomfortable
Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, that's awesome, dude. Numbers 20 and 28 are absolutely hilarious.
possibly the most lame series of one liners i have ever seen.i guess the brits have a far more subtle,(read intelligent)sence of humour
That was hilarious. I wish I was single just so I could be in a situation to use these lines on a variety of people--they seem equal opportunity, and I'm sure men would love to hear those things, too. Lucky husband, he'll get to hear them all now.
And Laura-Jo's additions were also very funny.
Hey, Will, professing your intellectual superiority before misspelling the word 'sense' does little to further your cause.
rooooooo gave the link off in the chat room, after the #26, i found myself tumbled down the chair.
Laffed out finally.
Can someone please try the burrito remark and let me know the results?
I'm dying to know what would be the 30 best comebacks from a female for your comments!
While I thought they were all hilarious, I loved #30 the most.
Gene Hackman!!! OMG, that was hilarious.
Loving it! Thanks for the laugh!
Laugh out loud funny! Wonderful post.
Will, I'm English, and I thought this was very funny. tchh, some people eh?
How to make #8 less hot:
"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito. Poof! You're a burrito! Hahahahaha! I love that joke!"
#23 is, in fact, not only not hot, but potentially harmful. Two weeks ago, I saw and heard a flock of migrating ducks flying past my honey's window as we lay post-coital. Last Saturday morning, same setup, I heard quacking by her window. "Ducks!" I exclaimed. My girlfriend, lying naked and face-down on the bed, yanked her head around to witness the glorious V of migrating fowl, and pulled a muscle in her neck with the effort. Worse, there were no ducks, I was just hearing things. She was in terrible pain for two days, but we still did it on the second day, because I'm really good.
Shite. I knew there was tape recorder somewhere in my bedroom.
Funny, I thought most guys would think number 1 is hot. If it was another chick saying it, I mean.
I laughed till I cried...
SO glad I found this place, You made me laugh on a day where I thought nothing was funny...thanks!
pure comic genius - i love it! :)
Tsch, this so totally made me add you to my LJ friends page. You know, through the magic of syndication.