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From Boasting To Blubbering In 60 Seconds Flat

From an IRC channel I frequent:

matthew: The cute and at-least-ten-years-my-junior barrista at my coffee shop just comped my afternoon decaf. This may be the first fringe benefit of flirting I have ever received.

matthew: Aside from the wife and child, that is.

torrez: HAHA. Oh yes, them.

tenuki: You go out for decaf...?

dreamattack: i've never understood the drinking of the decaf

potentato: she feels bad charging money for decaf

valmunin: Decaf coffee is just hot water...

matthew: It's was a decaf latte, okay? A latte. But the latte is beside the point. Cute girls are comping my drinks, people. Can we please stay on topic?

torrez: Arenít you a fancy boy? A latte!

tenuki: latte-da


gribblet: You drink decaf lattes? I'm suprised your sperm had enough energy to impregnate wife with child.

hypoartist: Did you get the senior citizen discount?

winterdrm: Don't fucking post again unless you get a free scone.

brax: Did you get a shot of hazelnut too, hot stuff?

photek: Wow, you guys brought the heat. I'd be surprised if Matthew wasn't crying and spitting up latte all over his embroidered lace doilies right now.

Posted on October 26, 2005 to Conversations


Some names have been changed to protect the jerks.

Posted by: Matthew on October 27, 2005 1:18 PM

Haha -V funny :)

Posted by: Charlie Batchelor on October 27, 2005 1:22 PM

I'd like to emphasize my complaint was only re: decaf. I'm a fancy-boy latte drinker myself.

Posted by: potentato on October 27, 2005 1:30 PM

That's freakin' awesome. Good for you for getting comped. And good for them to get on your case.

Decaf is one thing, Latte's another.

Posted by: Pete on October 27, 2005 1:30 PM

You know that one Star Trek: The Next Generation where Data tries to master the art of the affectionate insult? Once I stopped laughing, I was impressed by how much these guys love you.

Posted by: crossinggirl on October 27, 2005 1:34 PM

Matthew Baldwin: Fancy Lad.

Posted by: Keith on October 27, 2005 1:38 PM

I get my double-Americano's-no-room, comped all the time by the 20-year-old cute barista girls. Gotta step up to the manly drinks, biznatch.

PS: At least you weren't ordering soy chai.

Posted by: dunsany on October 27, 2005 1:43 PM

I worked at a coffee place briefly and we called the decaf non-fat lattes a "why bother"

Posted by: Kimberly on October 27, 2005 1:53 PM

Okay, first of all, don't diss the soy chai. It's good stuff.

Second of all, Matthew, a decaf latte is no big deal. I get harrassed by my boyfriend (and rightly so) when I walk into a Starbucks and get a 'grande decaf soy caramel macchiato kid's temperature [I can't handle the heat, okay?!?!] with foam instead of whipped cream and extra caramel sauce.' Then he walks down the street to Tim Hortons and gets a 'regular coffee.'

You can take the girl out of Los Angeles, but you can't take the Los Angeles out of the girl. It's sad, it really is.

Posted by: Jaclyn on October 27, 2005 1:55 PM

It's funny because it's true. She's willing to flirt because there's no danger in a decaf latte guy.

Posted by: Greg on October 27, 2005 2:01 PM

Don't worry, Matt. I find you frightening.

Posted by: Maggie on October 27, 2005 2:47 PM

Once again we have Matthew Baldwin and "The Doings of Fops"

Posted by: Micah on October 27, 2005 3:11 PM

Come on, already. Get a free scone and we'll talk. Pansy.

Posted by: Beerzie Boy on October 27, 2005 3:22 PM


Posted by: Amethyst on October 27, 2005 3:40 PM

Eh, baristas comp all the time. I used to be one, and I definitely did. You'd be tempted to comp decaffers the most, though, since what they were slugging was eminently useless.

Posted by: Meg on October 27, 2005 4:38 PM

Yeah, a decaf latte is cool right? We're still men, aren't we? Even though we can't handle real coffee...and apparently we can't afford it either.

Posted by: Walt on October 27, 2005 5:52 PM

Crocheted lace doilies.

Posted by: nichole on October 27, 2005 6:01 PM

Matthew, while I find you wildly sexy and dangerous with your decaf lattes (after all, did James Bond drink boilermakers? He did not.), I love your IRC friends. Where do you find such quick, witty folks?

Posted by: Belinda on October 27, 2005 6:50 PM

I'd want compensation for being given a decaf latte too...

Posted by: David on October 27, 2005 7:53 PM

Sorry Matthew, Iíve been drinking lots of Bosnian coffee from the local Balkan Grocery. Iím a little twitchy.

Posted by: tenuki on October 27, 2005 9:18 PM

Bwahaaaahaa! I love it.

I won't mention my secret affection for pumpkin scones at Starbucks.

Posted by: SteveB on October 27, 2005 9:19 PM

Way to salvage your rugged image as a Seattle metropolitan man of action: Next time the nubile barista comps you a decaf latte (snort!), you pull a rusty hipflask from your torn Chinos, look around surreptitiously, pour a shot into the innocuous beverage, wink at the barista conspiratorially and shuffle back to your laptop with a world-weary expression on your face.

Sheíll either fall madly in love with you or call the manager.

Posted by: Lung the Younger on October 28, 2005 12:43 AM

That totally reminds me of my IRC friends. Hilarious stuff.

Posted by: Ryan Waddell on October 28, 2005 2:04 AM

De-caf coffee is just dirty bitter water. What the purpose of drinking it. Like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Makes no sense.

Posted by: mitch smith on October 28, 2005 5:27 AM

Hehe! Hilarious.

Posted by: PeteCashmore on October 28, 2005 5:39 AM

Awesome stuff Matthew!

oh and soy chai is DA BOMB!

Posted by: Jasen on October 28, 2005 7:21 AM

Decaf = water with a hard-on

Posted by: unclewilly on October 28, 2005 7:24 AM

"IRC channel." [this might be offensive]

Posted by: josh on October 28, 2005 7:39 AM

What the heck is "comping?"
And what's wrong with a soy chai, damnit!?

Posted by: victoria winters on October 28, 2005 9:52 AM

Comping - When you give free stuff away, yet put it through the till as "Complimentary" so, technically, it's not stealing.

Except that it kinda is.

Posted by: James Metcalf on October 28, 2005 10:45 AM

Mmmmm latte. I think I'm much more likely to carry on flirting with a latte guy than, say, an espresso-with-lemon guy. It's not so much a matter of sophistication, as just "Wow, lemon. This guy is trying wa-aa-ay too hard to be cool."

Posted by: Maven on October 28, 2005 10:49 AM

Is this bash.org?

Posted by: Mickey on October 29, 2005 6:42 AM

Every time I get together with a certain friend of mine, I can count on the fact that at some point, he'll regale me with the decaf jingle from the David Letterman show:

"Decaffeinated coffee / It's pointless, brown hot water
"Decaffeinated coffee / Say goodbye to your will to live
"Decaffeinated coffee
"Oh, boy! / It sucks!"

That's his version, anyway.

Posted by: Mark on October 29, 2005 4:51 PM

I just want to know why the hell you didn't post this on Bash.org ;)

Posted by: John F on October 29, 2005 7:22 PM


Wow. There's robbing the cradle, and then there's robbing twenty of them.

Posted by: ben wolfson on October 29, 2005 8:43 PM

Matthew Baldwin anagram:

Hid BMW, wan latte.

I think he's more of a fancy boy than he lets on.

Posted by: Jon on October 30, 2005 5:46 AM

I'd comp you a scone.
and there's nothing wrong with decaf, I figure decaf drinkers are the only ones that actually like the flavor of coffee (as they're not really getting anything else out of it).

Posted by: Ophelia on November 3, 2005 4:10 PM

I used to deliver coffee for a specialty roaster in Lake Tahoe. One of the clients used to sell t-shirts which loudly proclaimed "Death Before Decaf"

Posted by: David's Inner Geek on November 9, 2005 8:13 PM