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Iraqi Invasion: A Text Misadventure
Revision 88 / Serial number 54892

Oval Office
You are standing inside a White House, having just been elected to the presidency of the United States. You knew Scalia would pull through for you.

There is a large desk here, along with a few chairs and couches. The presidential seal is in the middle of the room and there is a full-length mirror upon the wall.

What do you want to do now?

You are not able to do that, yet.

Self-reflection is not your strong suit.

It's not that kind of seal.

They are several chairs arranged around the center of the room, along with two couches. Under one couch you find Clinton's shoes.

You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes.

It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers.

In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

You are not able to do that, yet.

You are not able to do that, yet.

You are on the far right of the political spectrum.
Jesse Helms is here.
John Ashcroft is here.

Radical Right
You are on the extreme right of the political spectrum.
Dick Cheney is here.
Pat Robertson is here.

You are not able to do that, yet.


You are not able to do that, yet.

Your favorablity rating is 58% out of a possible 100%.

Photo Op
You are at a the Emma T. Booker Elementary School, along with a gaggle of obsequious members of the mainstream media.
There is a book here.
There are some children here.

You read "My Pet Goat."

In the distance, terrorists attack the United States.

You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

You continue to read "My Pet Goat."

You fly around aimlessly for a while, then return to the White House.

Oval Office

Who do you want to give the speech to?

You give the speech to the American people.

Your favorablity rating is 84% out of a possible 100%.

You are not able to do that, yet.

You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

Osama Bin Laden, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, is here.

(Leaving Afghanistan first.)
You are not able to do that, yet.

You are not able to do that, yet.

Such language in a high-class establishment like this!

"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

"Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof -- the smoking gun -- that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud ..."

"We know that Iraq and the al Qaeda terrorist network share a common enemy -- the United States of America. We know that Iraq and al Qaeda have had high-level contacts that go back a decade. And we know that after September the 11th, Saddam Hussein's regime gleefully celebrated the terrorist attacks on America ..."

"Wilson never worked for the CIA, but his wife, Valerie Plame, is an Agency operative on weapons of mass destruction ... "

You schedule a vote on the Iraq invasion for just before the 2002 midterm elections. As usual, spineless democrats roll over like an SUV taking a sharp corner.

Your plan to invade Iraq now has the backing of the American people and Congress.

You enter the Iraqi capital of Bagdad, having toppled the government and captured the nation's key cities in only 21 days. You can't seem to find the promised throngs of citizens greeting you as liberators, but the footage of the Saddam statue being pulled down looks great on Fox!

Who do you want to give the contracts to?

What kind of contracts do you wish to give to Halliburton?

You give the no-bid contracts to Halliburton.

The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

You put on the flightsuit.

"Mission accomplished."

The mission is not accomplished.

The situation in Iraq remains unchanged.

Some insurgents arrive.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a small number of insurgents here.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a moderate number of insurgents here.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

An election year arrives.

Pat Buchanan is here.
Sean Hannity is here.

Compassionate Conservativism
You are right-of-center on the political spectrum.
John McCain is here.
Joseph Leiberman is here.

You get reelected.

Tom DeLay is here.
Michelle Malkin is here.

Radical Right
Rick Santorum is here.
Ann Coulter is here.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a large number of insurgents here.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a huge number of insurgents here.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is an overwhelming number of insurgents here.

Your favorablity rating is 47% out of a possible 100%.

You are unable to admit mistakes.

You are unable to accept responsibility.

I do not know what you mean by "victory."

Oh, how we wish you would.

Posted on January 17, 2006 to Favorite Posts, Games, Politics


You can make fun all you want, but according to your re-creation, Bush survived in Zork for, what, going on 6 years now. I consistently survived 6 minutes.

Posted by: Greg on January 17, 2006 11:38 AM


Posted by: Your Sis on January 17, 2006 11:39 AM

If Bush is so in the dark, why hasn't he been eaten by a Grue?

Posted by: James Wallis on January 17, 2006 11:43 AM

^^ ha!

Posted by: Matthew Baldwin on January 17, 2006 11:49 AM

He's only survived so long because he types so slowly.

Posted by: paul on January 17, 2006 11:56 AM

excellent post!

Posted by: progga on January 17, 2006 12:07 PM

Hilarious! Of course, if you'd been playing the Hitchhiker's Guide game, all you'dve needed to do to escape the Ravenous Osama Beast of Afghanistan would've been to put your towel over your head. You hoopy frood, you.

Or maybe he would've fit into the Thing Your Aunt Gave You That You Don't Know What It Is?

;) Hilarious, Matthew!

Posted by: Meg on January 17, 2006 12:07 PM

oh my. i love you.

Posted by: Alice on January 17, 2006 12:45 PM

Is there an intersecting set of radical Republicans and Zork players?

Posted by: Owen on January 17, 2006 1:10 PM

/wild applause

Posted by: Sanya on January 17, 2006 1:13 PM

He shoots, he scores!

Posted by: Scott on January 17, 2006 1:28 PM

So f'ing funny :)

Posted by: Molly on January 17, 2006 1:32 PM

LMAO Brilliant!

Posted by: Goldie on January 17, 2006 1:36 PM

> say "nucular"
Nothing happens.

Posted by: Bill Bradford on January 17, 2006 1:44 PM

That's classic stuff. Best Internet post since the Cheney poker game!

Posted by: Kevin on January 17, 2006 1:44 PM

I love it! It reminded me that I really need to look for a version of Zork for Mac OS X.

Posted by: Mike on January 17, 2006 1:49 PM

Jay-sus! That was a trip to the past. Too freakin' funny...

Damnit. Now I'm missing the computer lab and MUDDing.

Posted by: Suzanne on January 17, 2006 2:00 PM

Iran and N. Korea have openly announced nuculear programs. What will you do?

>enter diplomatic negotians

Sorry, you do not know the meaning of diplomacy.

Posted by: b on January 17, 2006 2:09 PM

That was funny and disturbing.

Posted by: Philipp Lenssen on January 17, 2006 2:31 PM

So good!

Thank you.

Posted by: Maven on January 17, 2006 2:33 PM

Haha, gg. Way to speak to today's generation ;)

Posted by: Erik on January 17, 2006 3:28 PM

Hi-larious! Simplistic and reminicent of Air America talking points but hi-lairious just the same!

By the way, did you ever play the Democratic Primary adventure? I tried everything I could think of, >SAY "JOHN KERRY REPORTING FOR DUTY", >SAY "YEARRGH", >SAY "I INVENTED THE INTERNET", nothing seemed to work. But they've never been able to work the bugs out of that system so...

Posted by: Duane on January 17, 2006 3:33 PM


Posted by: winks on January 17, 2006 3:40 PM

Brilliant. One of the funniest things I've ever read.

If only it was just an Infocom game.
Now all we can do is z

Posted by: M Henry on January 17, 2006 3:41 PM

This is brilliant.

Posted by: Dan Sroka on January 17, 2006 3:55 PM

We all bow before you!

Posted by: jon deal on January 17, 2006 3:56 PM

> Vote for Bush
A hollow voice says 'Cretin'.

Nicely done. If only small leaflets containing this post would be automatically inserted in every mailbox (north of house).

Posted by: Jough Dempsey on January 17, 2006 3:58 PM

That is fantastic!

I could have used that as an example in my dissertation!!

Posted by: Anita on January 17, 2006 4:03 PM

Sheer, utter genius...

Posted by: Princessdrea on January 17, 2006 4:24 PM

Holy shit, that's fantastically funny!

Posted by: Jeremy Zawodny on January 17, 2006 4:37 PM

Thank you, thank you, thank you. A true ROFLMAO event.

Posted by: Ham on January 17, 2006 5:24 PM

Oh man. This is fantastic.

Posted by: Sunnie on January 17, 2006 5:36 PM

Brilliant!!!! :) Well done! *applauds*

Posted by: Jon on January 17, 2006 5:56 PM


Posted by: Jagosaurus on January 17, 2006 6:14 PM

You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes."

now THAT's funny!!!

Thank you, Matthew, that was genius.

Posted by: bud on January 17, 2006 7:07 PM

Thank you for making my day. Laughter truly is the best medicine, even if it is from jeering at a moron.

Posted by: Mary the Avenger on January 17, 2006 7:19 PM

I did NOT want the post to end - but the ending was fantastic. Fantastic stuff!


Posted by: Jay on January 17, 2006 7:55 PM

Makes me wonder what the leather goddesses of Phobos would do with him. Excellent work!

Posted by: monoglot on January 17, 2006 7:58 PM

puhleez give your collective heads a shake...

There's no stoppin' the cretins from hoppin'
You gotta keep it beatin'
For all the hoppin' cretins
Cretin! cretin!
I'm gonna go for a whirl with my cretin girl
My feet won't stop
Doin' the cretin hop
Cretin! cretin!
Cretins wanna hop some more
All good cretins go to heaven

Posted by: Stuck in Canuckistan on January 17, 2006 9:42 PM


Posted by: Alex on January 17, 2006 9:42 PM

Bravo! :-D Only I wish it had ended a bit differently:
Michael Moore invites you to dinner.

You weren't informed that you are the main course. *burp*

Just a bit of wishful thinking!

Posted by: E on January 17, 2006 9:43 PM

Funny, but drags on

Posted by: Tim on January 17, 2006 9:45 PM

Fucking stupid.

Posted by: Jeremy on January 17, 2006 9:48 PM

Dishonest lefty dipshits. Like Zawodny.

Posted by: Larry on January 17, 2006 9:51 PM

Brilliant. Hysterical. LMAO.


Posted by: tracy on January 17, 2006 10:19 PM

In a strange coincidence, I had just been playing Colossal Cave Adventure online with my daughter when I read your post. (I know not this Zork whereof you speak: Apparently it was invented after my time, like, sometime after they first hooked up a monitor to a computer.)

What *I* want to know is, when is the threatening little dwarf going to show up? And when will Bush find himself at Witt's End?

Posted by: Carny Asada on January 17, 2006 10:20 PM

I don't see that here!

You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all the same.

You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same.

Floyd arrives. "Do you want to play?"

Posted by: Sandy on January 17, 2006 11:02 PM

...I hope Xyzzy is your real name, so Bush won't sue your donkey after the new law with anonymous messages in the internet!

Posted by: Whois on January 17, 2006 11:48 PM


http://www.robotskull.com/secrets//?q=node/129 has a non-political but equally funny (albeit a little more crude) text-based post.

Posted by: Tim on January 18, 2006 12:49 AM


Rape environment where, your bare lands?


Congratulations, you just raped the environment in your bare lands.

Posted by: Tom on January 18, 2006 1:32 AM

Brilliant...I'd love to read one of these for Tony Blair...haha...still laughing

Posted by: Sumiyoshi Pilgrim on January 18, 2006 1:46 AM

Matthew - I thought you were brilliant when you did the CVS/McRib post, but you have surpassed yourself. I am ON THE FLOOR laughing my head off over here.
Brilliant gameplay.

Posted by: whfropera on January 18, 2006 2:50 AM

Funny. Took a moment for the Zork memories to come flooding back.

Well played my friend, well played.

Posted by: Charles on January 18, 2006 3:06 AM

Fantastic, just fantastic!!

Posted by: natasha on January 18, 2006 4:20 AM

awesome. also, note the timestamp on the previous comment. time to roll!

Posted by: chewybrain on January 18, 2006 4:30 AM


Pssst - you spelled Baghdad wrong though :-)

Posted by: Mr Pedantic on January 18, 2006 4:42 AM

It's hilarious, and brilliant, but such a shame it's true.

Posted by: Anonymous on January 18, 2006 4:50 AM


Posted by: Havard on January 18, 2006 5:00 AM

So, so good. And without a single mention of a grue.

Posted by: Jon on January 18, 2006 5:09 AM

It's not that kind of seal.

It's so hard running Planet Space House, these days.

Kind regard.


Posted by: Hector Hamulec on January 18, 2006 5:32 AM

Parts were funny, like the pet seal thing, but this is the problem with the internet. 90% of the people who read this are NPR/daily kos/moveon.org types who think this is great/true AND all smart people agree (I read it in the NYT, it must be true, right?). Only an idiot would think we're doing the right thing in Iraq, and, while we're at it, abortion is good, ipso facto. Only some right-wing Halliburton troglodyte would disagree with this self evident truth, and then only to prop up the dictator Bush.
If you think everybody agrees with you, and you look at the election results, it must be weird. I had the same feeling during the Clinton administration. I remember thinking are the voters evil, or are they stupid? I think you, and most of your readers must feel the same way.

Posted by: Potroast on January 18, 2006 5:54 AM

Bill Bradford commented:

> say "nucular"
Nothing happens.

I'm afraid that's wrong. It actually should be:


Posted by: ojidfsa on January 18, 2006 5:59 AM

You got posted on meta

Posted by: Anonymous on January 18, 2006 5:59 AM

Fan.Bloody.Tastic :-D

Posted by: Richard@Home on January 18, 2006 6:13 AM

Excellent work. Funny indeed.
thanks...Oh, and even if people who get to read it already agree, this piece does give tem deas and arguments..


Posted by: gnome on January 18, 2006 6:21 AM

That's one of the funniest things I've read in a long, long time!

Posted by: Harry on January 18, 2006 6:51 AM

Absolutely the funniest.

Posted by: Tracy on January 18, 2006 7:02 AM

That was so funny, thanks a lot.

Posted by: Matthew Hinton on January 18, 2006 7:04 AM

The White House: you are in a maze of twisted little personages, all alike.


Posted by: The White Hat on January 18, 2006 7:08 AM

"If Bush is so in the dark, why hasn't he been eaten by a Grue?"

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Posted by: Hode Stevens on January 18, 2006 7:09 AM

potroast said: "90% of the people who read this are NPR/daily kos/moveon.org types..."

I appreciate that you've tried to make your point in a clear and (mostly) non-inflammatory manner, but I feel the need to point out that every NPR station has a different bent. I'll fully admit that some are rather radically left, but some are very balanced. If you find one NPR station that you don't like, try another. I loves me some NPR and I hate it hearing this stereotype repeated because it isn't always true.

Posted by: jakeline on January 18, 2006 7:30 AM

How hilariously sad.

Posted by: Carolyn on January 18, 2006 7:30 AM

OUTSTANDING! We linked to this on the Freak of the Week blog.

Posted by: Eh... not so much on January 18, 2006 7:48 AM

This is pure effing genius.
Where's a damn Grue when you need one...

Posted by: Molly on January 18, 2006 7:49 AM

That was so good and so painful at the same time. Ha ha ha ow ha ha ow ha ouch ha ha ha.

Posted by: Sean on January 18, 2006 8:14 AM

Absolutely glorious! :)

Posted by: phoenix on January 18, 2006 8:21 AM

You need to make a real text adventure of this.

Posted by: Art Wells on January 18, 2006 8:27 AM


I, for one, welcome our new intelligent, reality-based overlords. Oop, got into a bit of a wormhole thingy there for a moment. Sorry.

I bow down in the face of your superior style, grace, and wit, Mr. Yeti!

Now if I could just find my way out of the twisty passage I've been in since November 2000...

Posted by: Dr. Beads on January 18, 2006 8:27 AM

Hilarious. :D I misjudged how you would end it, though. I figured it would end:

You are not able to do that, yet.

Posted by: Jason on January 18, 2006 8:31 AM

Very well done! I love that the first thing he tries is "Invade Iraq." This comes together so perfectly I'm actually now a little worried Infocom progammed the United States.

Posted by: J on January 18, 2006 8:55 AM


Posted by: Noah on January 18, 2006 8:59 AM

>Where am I?

Posted by: Anonymous on January 18, 2006 9:01 AM

Who do you want to say it to?

You say "you're doing a heck of a job" to Brownie.

There is an uproar.

Not bloody likely.

Not bloody likely.

You are carrying too many things.
War on Christmas dropped.
Jack Abramoff dropped.
North Korea dropped.

Posted by: emily on January 18, 2006 9:57 AM

That was the bestest post evar.

Posted by: Esther on January 18, 2006 10:03 AM


Posted by: Tom Peyer on January 18, 2006 10:22 AM


Posted by: Useless Eaters on January 18, 2006 10:25 AM

"Dishonest lefty dipshits. Like Zawodny."

>Kill troll
What do you want to kill the troll with?

you swing the axe at the troll, but it hits the wall instead.

Posted by: Anonymous on January 18, 2006 10:33 AM

Wow, that was really good.

Posted by: the patriarch on January 18, 2006 10:39 AM


This is damn fine work, sir.

Posted by: RandomSam on January 18, 2006 10:51 AM

Great Read.
Thinking back, those test adventures were an exercise in patience. I remember trying 50-100 things to solve some problems, such as opening a door.
Getting a four-line description of the next room was the reward. Amazing. Kind of like Burning Man: The failures are so frequent, the successes taste like honey.

Posted by: Rob Cockerham on January 18, 2006 11:00 AM

Excellent! I think the dumbing down of the United States (from the top down) is proceeding according to schedule!

>Continue to read book at elementary school
Wonder what language this book is printed in!
(you're told the Trade Center has been hit)
>Continue to read book looking concerned now (book is still upside down)

Posted by: BarryJamz on January 18, 2006 11:26 AM

Amazing really great.

Posted by: shane on January 18, 2006 11:34 AM

Funny and yet sad.
I agree with Jason's proposed ending:

You are not able to do that, yet.

Posted by: Thomas Jefferson on January 18, 2006 11:36 AM

Classic, loved it :)

Posted by: A Axe on January 18, 2006 11:37 AM

If only it WAS Fiction ... and not reality. If only ... Wonderful!

Posted by: MMM on January 18, 2006 11:43 AM


The CIA will no doubt be in touch...

Posted by: Daniel Hoffmann-Gill on January 18, 2006 12:46 PM

Hi. This is the CIA. President Bush would like you to read this to him. He's stuck on the big words.

Posted by: Frac on January 18, 2006 1:47 PM

Very interesting....

Posted by: Will on January 18, 2006 2:19 PM

My favorite game, ever! And the very first computer game I ever played.
On a "portable" computer my Dad would bring home from GA Tech. The thing weighed a ton, and after you flipped down the keyboard, there was a tiny screen (maybe 5x5?) next to the port where you pushed your telephone handset into the box!
Ahh.. for the halcyon days of our youth.. . Or something that's not George Bush's America, anyway.

Posted by: jon on January 18, 2006 2:51 PM


You can't do that yet. Your term is not over.


You stack the supreme court.


You hide.


Supreme Court stops recount in Iowa and your brother is elected President of the United States. Welcome to the next eight years.

Posted by: Bryan on January 18, 2006 3:00 PM

so funny and so sad at the same time

matthew baldwin, you are a brilliant man

have i told you lately how much i love you? i dont think i have, although i say it on my blog all the time

Posted by: carly on January 18, 2006 3:04 PM

Absolutely smile-of-the-month. Outstanding post!

Posted by: Mark on January 18, 2006 3:04 PM

When is the trade secret technology to China for money (votes), ignore Osama, and BOINK the intern version of this adventure released.

Posted by: Jerry on January 18, 2006 3:11 PM

Hey Jerry 2006.01.18 03:11,

I was just watching a rerun Saturday Night Live from the mid-90's the other day, and there was a sketch on about horrible (no joke) Osama bin Laden.

So let's see... the country knew about bin Laden, Clinton-admin anti-terrorism people were working on bin Laden, Clinton tried to bomb bin Laden... and GW Bush didn't know about bin Laden, didn't know he was a threat?

Which is worse, boinking an intern or conducting thousands of illegal wiretaps on innocent Americans? Are either worthy of impeachment?

Posted by: Jin on January 18, 2006 3:54 PM

say "plugh"

say "plugh"!

damn. that's what I was afraid of.

Posted by: washburn on January 18, 2006 4:21 PM

SpaceQuest! Bush is about as good as a Tandy.

Posted by: s on January 18, 2006 5:23 PM

Fantastic stuff. Well done sir!

Posted by: writingstatic on January 18, 2006 5:29 PM

this is absolutely smashing stuff... a definite gem in the blog universe :)

great job!!

Posted by: Oreos on January 18, 2006 6:23 PM


Kill yourself? Very well, then...

***You have died***

Posted by: Mnglz on January 18, 2006 7:15 PM

Friggin' HI_LA_RI_OUS!

I played the original "Zork" in 1982, on a TRS-80 Model III while I worked at Radio Shack.

I was permanent Grue- Chow!


Posted by: Vince Daliessio on January 18, 2006 8:36 PM


Thank you.

Posted by: Deron on January 18, 2006 9:04 PM

Oh, the memories this brings back.... Where's the Pirate? Wandering around in the dark looking for batteries.... yup, I'm qualified to be President, too!

Posted by: Ahistoricality on January 18, 2006 9:29 PM


Posted by: Anonymous on January 18, 2006 9:34 PM

>Invade every blog with Presidential game
Boing boing invaded. NSA is watching you.

Posted by: Herkko on January 18, 2006 9:46 PM

I can't even begin to say how brilliant this post is. You gave the whole story!

"I do not know what you mean by 'victory.'"

Posted by: ozma on January 18, 2006 10:02 PM

Oh, this is just beautiful. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

Posted by: Hil on January 18, 2006 10:09 PM

i laughed heartily and kidney-ily.

Posted by: Simon on January 18, 2006 10:22 PM

I spent many an hour playing Zork on a Kaypro CP/M machine that I still have out in my garage, AND it still works!

I never did solve the whole thing! But looks like Bush didn't either! That was a great read!

Posted by: Tuba Les on January 18, 2006 10:59 PM

You nailed it!


Posted by: Shockwave on January 18, 2006 11:18 PM

We need more grass-roots Activision in this country.

If you like satirical adventure games, on my site there's a free game for Windows called "Ready" that I created a few years ago. All the graphics are made from the familiar bewildering diagrams of ready.gov.

Posted by: Cerulean on January 18, 2006 11:19 PM

This is absolutely inspired. I love it to bits.

[round of applause]

Posted by: Clare on January 18, 2006 11:46 PM

Excellent stuff. I want to suggest a witty addendum but my mind's not up to it. Thanks for a good laugh.

Posted by: Aaron on January 18, 2006 11:58 PM

Mr. Yeti:

I didn't find this post funny: I found it poignent. I think those people who are laughing fail to see this for what it is: a scathing idictment of the worst national leader we've seen in 60 years.

This would be very funny if it weren't so true.

Posted by: 3Thumbs on January 19, 2006 12:09 AM

The people who think this is other than a rather funny, clever spoof are rather sad. I mean, like thinking it is true, my gawd.

Missed these.

with what ?

you see an old shoe, three pieces of note paper,and a snazzy little blue number, apparently slightly marked.

Posted by: Ed Snack on January 19, 2006 12:25 AM

I agree with the previous poster:
It seems silly to me that "a scathing idictment" is met with a majority of responces referencing TV and movie shows, while some Fascist wingnut goes unchecked. Speaking of checked, I think GW just checked out all of our bank balances, tax returns and long distance phone calls !

Posted by: ifunky2 on January 19, 2006 12:32 AM

If you thing it looks bad from the eyes of a US citizen, think again: from Europe, it's Orwells 1984 Live, only about twenty years late.
The similarities are so mesmerizing that - from what little I can say about other peoples opinions - most of the world outside the US was left speachless when His Majesty The Cowboy Of The 21st Century was reelected for president and commander of the biggest military force in the world.
For those somehow missing the similarities between 1984. and today's USA, a couple of hints:
- what does the US Department of *Defense* mostly concern itself with the last couple of years?
- how have civil rights changed in the US in the last several years?
- what about fear? Is fear of the "enemies of the US" a noticable element of american life now?
- which station broadcasts the "Two Minutes of Hate"? CNN? ABC? Most of them? Two minutes per day or more?

...and so on.

Posted by: hefest on January 19, 2006 3:28 AM


Posted by: condoleaser on January 19, 2006 5:02 AM

Brilliant - so true to form. You showed a real knowledge of both the genre and the past six years!

Posted by: jared on January 19, 2006 5:56 AM

This post rocks... the scary part is that it is all too accurate.

Posted by: Dan on January 19, 2006 6:06 AM

This is fantastic!

Posted by: Anne on January 19, 2006 6:30 AM

Amazing how so many righties who don't want to own up to this are trying to dismiss it. Why can't they be eaten by a Grue?

Those of us who used to play those maddening text adventures appreciate this on multiple levels.

Posted by: Damian, the Left-Hand Player on January 19, 2006 6:37 AM

I'm throwing out my Bible and replacing it with this. It may be mankind's greatest achievement to date. Screw the Polio Vaccine and Renaissance!

Posted by: Bill on January 19, 2006 7:22 AM

OMG, this is FUNNY AS HELL. I laughed till I cried.

Posted by: Saur on January 19, 2006 7:53 AM


I did not know the Z-Code engine could handle prompted questions (such as the user typing "HALLIBURTON" as a response to the question caused by "GIVE CONTRACTS". I thought you had to retype "GIVE CONTRACTS TO HALLIBURTON".

But still, quite fun.

Posted by: Merle on January 19, 2006 8:09 AM

Brilliant. Someone on another forum suggested this addition:

I don't see that here!

You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all the same.

You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same.

You are in a twisty little maze of passages, all the same. You hear a rustling in the shadows...

Posted by: Jamie on January 19, 2006 8:42 AM

Somebody upthread asked if there were any radical right-winger Zork players.
And I thought it was bril-freaking-yent. BRAVO!

Posted by: Laura on January 19, 2006 9:18 AM


Posted by: Nimrod Gently on January 19, 2006 9:32 AM

Great stuff, very funny. But couldn't you have put some Hurricane Katrina stuff in there as well? Or some grues...

Posted by: Alasdair on January 19, 2006 9:35 AM

This is BEAUTIFUL. A real tribute to the ZORK games!

Posted by: Jason on January 19, 2006 9:50 AM

>liberate Iraq
"The Press reports you hate black people"

>remove Saddam
"The press reports you eat children"

>stop press
"The press reports you violated their civil rights"

"ACLU sues you for violating the right of the press to lie to the american people"

>explain point of view
"You cant hate black people with that"

Posted by: blah on January 19, 2006 10:07 AM

That is some CLEVER shit. Thank you for keeping the Internet a safe place for intelligent people.

Posted by: Shane Barber on January 19, 2006 10:11 AM

I was surprised by lack of a grue too!

But we all have our demons. ;)

Posted by: Torley on January 19, 2006 10:32 AM

This... is absolute genius. The comments are gems. Cheers, all!

Posted by: ajr on January 19, 2006 10:53 AM

Had Gore been in office, the game would have gone something like this:

You tell the children about how Love Canal was about you and how the internet was your vision.

In the distance, terrorists attack the United States.

You surrender America to the terrorists.


Game Over

Posted by: None on January 19, 2006 11:07 AM

You've already done that.

Posted by: Badams on January 19, 2006 11:08 AM

Yea verify, where *is* a grue when you need one? But I'll be linking to this post-haste. A couple more additions...

You start drinking.
Nothing changes, but thingsh are a little blurryish.

You start snorting coke.
Nothing changes, but you don't care anymore.

Posted by: FARfetched on January 19, 2006 11:09 AM

i don't know what a zork is, but i know that bush is a douche and someone should do something to "take care" of him, if y'all know what I mean...

Posted by: hildz on January 19, 2006 11:17 AM

Truely Brilliant.

Posted by: Chadrick on January 19, 2006 11:18 AM


Posted by: Mark on January 19, 2006 11:22 AM

That was a beautiful piece my friend. Funny as hell too.

That whole mid section was f**king beautiful!!!!
It's rare when one makes me laugh out loud like that!

Posted by: Tegan on January 19, 2006 12:33 PM

Hilarious! But yes, lacking a grue.

Also, the bit about contracts needs to be changed a bit - the parser was never that smart about context. Instead of:


It needs to be:


Posted by: Patrick Calahan on January 19, 2006 12:42 PM

Absolutely inspired! Holy shit, I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt now. The bit about go-left for elections is brilliant. Didn't think anyone else noticed. :/ Almost as funny is all the posters that know mudd, dungeon, adventure, etc... What a great crowd.

Best fishes to all!

Posted by: Frobozz on January 19, 2006 1:20 PM

>You can't read that!

>You read "My Pet Goat"


This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I laughed till I cried, then couldn't explain to my non-MUDding workmates what I was reading that was so funny...

Posted by: nothingoth on January 19, 2006 1:30 PM

Did Michael Moore's writing team post this? Sure seems familiar....hmmmm, oh yeah! Fahrenheit something, something, almost verbatim.

Very original.

Posted by: Elanor Mal on January 19, 2006 2:45 PM


>You happily give up your freedoms to fight the freedom-hating terrorists who will take away your freedoms. Who minds wiretaps if you have nothing to hide?


>You make fun of Michael Moore. He's fat! Get it! Cause he weighs a lot!

Posted by: Adam on January 19, 2006 3:15 PM

Bloody brilliant!!

Posted by: jahf on January 19, 2006 3:57 PM


Posted by: Marc Blank on January 19, 2006 4:07 PM


>You have regurgitated mindless proto-commie talking points.


>You drive to your lilly-white, privileged home in your suv (aren't you ashamed?)


>You don't own any Haliburton stock, but you wish you did.


It was pretty funny though.

Posted by: RochesterWatch on January 19, 2006 5:06 PM

Fscking brilliant!!!

Posted by: Gregory on January 19, 2006 5:21 PM

I usually don't laugh when I'm alone. But this was hilarious.

Posted by: Tuukka on January 19, 2006 6:58 PM

Yes, I literally Laughed Out Loud
Thank you.
Do you know my friend the Rosetta Yeti? He was named for a Japanese Magic: The Gathering card and we put out an EP in high school when I was known as the Liquid Ward

Posted by: chad WarMile on January 19, 2006 7:59 PM

Matthew, I just wanted to tell you that, even as we speak, my wife is ROFLHAO. This is brilliant stuff, my friend. But I hope you don't have to write a similar piece in four years for Jeb!

Posted by: Larry Levy on January 19, 2006 8:44 PM

Having been Grue stew many times, this is a real treat. Unfortunately, this will cause me to fire up the ol' z-machine and waste countless hours looking for my stolen belongings and trying to escape untimely ends.

Posted by: Hank on January 19, 2006 9:07 PM

Brilliant! Are you really American?

Posted by: Alec on January 20, 2006 2:10 AM

Genius, pure genius :)

Posted by: Fuckkit on January 20, 2006 2:21 AM

yeah yeah yeah na na na

Posted by: kelzandmarky on January 20, 2006 2:48 AM


Posted by: Manish on January 20, 2006 3:28 AM

Holy macaroni, this is good stuff.

Posted by: Teemu on January 20, 2006 5:04 AM

oso ona egitan
izugarri gustatu zait

Posted by: azzex on January 20, 2006 5:07 AM

classic! roflmao

Posted by: Madvillain on January 20, 2006 5:47 AM

a sad story but a great text adventure

Posted by: mike f. z. on January 20, 2006 6:08 AM

That's the funniest thing I've read in ages. On second thoughts it would be funny if it weren't also true.

Posted by: Tillerman on January 20, 2006 6:25 AM

This is probably my favorite blog post ever. Funny, funny stuff.

Posted by: Lizzybeth on January 20, 2006 6:33 AM

lets have sex?

ps- good post.

Posted by: robertpunkrock on January 20, 2006 6:44 AM

I have read this about six times. I still laugh.


It's not that kind of seal.


Posted by: Pamela on January 20, 2006 7:08 AM

It is as I have long suspected: you sir, are a genius. A snarky, wonderful genius.

Posted by: Sarcasmo on January 20, 2006 7:38 AM

"Clinton was an adulterer! Gore thinks he invented the internet! Why do you hate America?!"

Your attack misses the blog satire!

Posted by: Anonymous on January 20, 2006 10:42 AM

Classic. Simply classic. 8-D

And now, a bipartisan addendum!


Whom do you wish to fuck?

You have now fucked America.


Whom do you wish to fuck?

You are unable to fill Clinton's shoes.

Posted by: Ferrous Buller on January 20, 2006 10:56 AM

Nice job.

Posted by: Ex-Infocommie on January 20, 2006 12:16 PM

Lol @ Stupid Commies.

Posted by: openfly on January 20, 2006 12:47 PM

For those posters who've said that the parser was never smart enough for one-word answers to questions, e.g.

Whom do you wish to give the contracts to?



You're half right. The parser in the Zork trilogy wasn't that advanced, but later Infocom games such as Enchanter or Infidel had that capability.

Anyway - I'm no Yeti, but here's my concept of the Katrina chapter in the Interactive Affliction story...

You visit your ranch in Crawford for two weeks. You cheerfully pass the time cycling with Lance Armstrong, clearing brush, and wearing a cowboy hat.

Cindy Sheehan is here.

Time passes...
You take two more weeks at your Crawford ranch. It's so relaxing, you manage to ignore the racket a couple of miles down the road.

Some war protestors arrive.

Cindy Sheehan is here.
A group of protestors is here.


Time passes...

You enter your fifth week of vacation, eating some cowboy food. The weather in the Gulf Coast is getting fierce, but it doesn't concern you because the gulf in question isn't the Persian Gulf. Virtually everyone in New Orleans or in the weather industry predicts the breach of the levies in New Orleans.

Cindy Sheehan is here.
A group of protestors is here.

An aide timidly suggests that you pay some attention to the Hurricate Katrina situation, then hurries away to update his resume.

Too late; he saw this coming.

Air Force One gets you safely and reliably to Arizona, amidst calm weather whilst Louisiana is battered by Hurricane Katrina.

Come on, be serious.

You carefully give the appearance of showing concern for senior citizens by pitching your Medicare plan in front of a group of hand-picked old people, the only kind of people with whom you dare appear.

The New Orleans levies break, flooding most of the city.

You go even further from the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast. Who could blame you for that, right?

Country singer Mark Wills is here. He is offering you a guitar.

You accept the guitar, proving (as far as you're concerned) that you're in touch with heartland America.

The American public is wondering why the Federal Government hasn't done anything about the people. Jokes about you begin circulating on the Internet. Well, okay, jokes about you and THIS topic.

You go on Good Morning America, with an opportunity to accept responsibility for your mistakes, faults, and inappropriate decisions which are beginning to send your approval rating into a tailspin.

... or, you could just go with what you know. You claim that nobody anticipated the breach of the levies. Because you are the President, some people believe you. None of these people live in New Orleans.

Posted by: Woof on January 20, 2006 1:08 PM

This is not funny I like bush

-- vampyra ( dkt65@yahoo.com )

Posted by: Vampyra on January 20, 2006 1:58 PM

What do you mean "this is not funny?" What about Bush is there to like? He's an arrogant, ignorant, incompetant extremist. His ass needs to be impeached, along with Dick(head). I wish this was all a bad dream, but alas, it is not.

Anyway, good job, very funny.

Posted by: Scott on January 20, 2006 5:21 PM

F*cking total work of genius....

You salute the guy who wrote this. But what has that accomplished?

Posted by: sodface on January 20, 2006 6:50 PM

Pretty funny, but unfortunately I have to send a hit crew to kill you. I can't have people treding on my good name (cough) .


George W. Bush

Posted by: George W. Bush on January 20, 2006 8:55 PM

Genuis! But Brian... don't terrify me!

Posted by: Lady Muck on January 21, 2006 5:49 AM

You go to New Orleans.

You catch a drown black person.

Posted by: Me on January 21, 2006 6:34 AM

Finally, I find a clever joke from the disillusioned left. I have to admit, I support our President, and am not infatuated with Clinton as the author seems to be (the left just can't let him go) but I did find it humorous. Keep up the humor and maybe the left isn't all but lost as a positive force in society. Maybe Hillary will be the next President and maybe Bill will get another intern for our amusement all over again. :-)

Posted by: Thom on January 21, 2006 6:39 AM


Posted by: Your Mom on January 21, 2006 6:48 AM


Of course the left is witty and clever. Think about it. You can count the rightwing people in creative pursuits on two hands -- on one, if you count only those with talent.

Posted by: Anne on January 21, 2006 7:18 AM

get a new job

Posted by: Uncle Url on January 21, 2006 8:39 AM

Yeti, just to clarify. The person who signed as Your Mom is not really your mother. I am. And shame on them for not being honest. Nobody else gets to claim the honor of being your mother except me.

Posted by: Love, Mom on January 21, 2006 8:45 AM

P.S. Just for future reference, if I think you suck or anything else negative, I will tell you to your face. Not cowardly through some comments on a blog!

Posted by: Love, Mom on January 21, 2006 9:09 AM

yall might want ot listen to to the smart sounding guy up there. Macolm X once said "the only reason that the white establishment deals with martion lurther king jr. is that way the don't have to deal with me". I have a lot more guns than Malcom

Posted by: ryan on January 21, 2006 10:26 AM

Note to Thom: The LEFT Can't seem to let clinton go? Look at some fo the comments from people bitter about thsi post -- they try to throw Clinton's name into things and pass responsibility.

At any rate, Matt? This was Yeti's best post, dude... You ought to print this thing out for the Squirelly to read and never understand in the future. "You actually had games based only on text? How the hell did you survive?"

Posted by: John F on January 21, 2006 1:17 PM

There are no grues visible.
That is because the only grue there is the player. *rofl*

Posted by: Danix Defcon5 on January 21, 2006 2:03 PM

just great!

Posted by: Paul on January 21, 2006 3:05 PM

I dont even understand what this web page is about...


Posted by: Sarah on January 21, 2006 3:08 PM

Dude, I am at WORK. People kept looking at me askance as I laughed my ass off. This is the first post of yours I've had the privilege of reading, so I'm heading off to the archives now!

Posted by: Lisa C. on January 21, 2006 3:14 PM

i was led here by someone confessing to loving someone she'd never met, and now, i fear i may have to kill her so i can have you for myself...
walk good.

Posted by: sweet trini on January 21, 2006 3:27 PM

Democrats can play too! Read on...

Bush elected president.

Election contested. You still lost.

You demand a recount to capture the undervotes in only a few select heavily Democratic counties.

Recount taken. You still lost.

The case makes it all the way to the Supreme Court. The Supremes rule almost unanimously (7-2) that its absurd for you to cherry pick the recount counties. You still lost.

Bush inherits recession from predecessor's overtaxing and overregulating economic policies. Bush enacts needed tax cuts to jumpstart economy out of recession.

You scream about tax cuts that will only help the rich.

Bush tax cuts result in one of the shortest duration recessions in our history.

You demand to know where the jobs are.

Bush's tax cuts result in several sustained quarters of significant job creation, along with welcome advances in just about every economic indicator there is, all this despite a national tragedy, recession, and war.

Sept. 11 happens.

You go silent for about 15 seconds.

Bush finally decides to confront one of history's most brutal and aggressive dictators, knowing that we can no longer ignore his documented support of international terrorism and his repeated pursuit and use of WMD.

You scream that Bush fixation about Iraq is distracting him from Al Qaeda.

The Mainstream Media splashes about Bush's aggressive approach to Al Qaeda, including imprisonment of Al Qaeda abroad and thorough hunt for Al Qaeda at home.

You demand his impeachment.

Throughout the Iraq crisis, Bush chooses to ignore a docile, corrupt and increasingly-irrelevant European continent.

You scream about Bush's go-it-alone strategy.

Iran reveals itself as an increasing threat that must be confronted. Bush lets the Europeans take the lead on this one.

You scream about outsourcing our foreign policy and demand immediate, unilateral action.

A weary American public tired of the party of "No", which they perceive as bereft of constructive ideas, soft on terrorism, wishy washy on everything, guilty of treason, and engaged in politically motivated character assassination, hands the GOP a super majority of seats in the House and Senate.

For the next two years, Bush is absolutely unstoppable. You lose.

Posted by: Z on January 21, 2006 3:28 PM

Hey Z,

do you mind to do the perspective of a typical iraqi, too?

you are a sunni living close to bagdad. its summer 2001. saddam husseins reigns iraq. united nations sanctions make it hard to buy drugs, food and everything technical. this has to come to an end soon. what will you do next?


found none.


still none.
sep 11 occurs. some crazy guys from saudi arabia, morocco, egypt and other countries are hijacking aeroplanes and crash them into the twin towers and the pentagon.
bush alleges iraqi dictator saddam hussein to be responsible for everything bad in the world, since he's part of the 'axis of evil'.
usama bin ladin turns out to be the mad man behind 9/11. your children suffer, lacking food. what will you do next?


not available


yer not a related of mr. hussein


yer still not mr. husseins related
george w. bush wants to find wmd in iraq.
saddam hussein is re-elected as president 'florida style'. one of your three children dies of starving. what will you do next?

[to be continued]

Posted by: Slafing on January 21, 2006 6:02 PM

You don't have to hate Bush to find this funny -- or to admire the amount of thought that went into writing it. As usual, your cleverness amazes me, Matthew! (FWIW, the most priceless parts for me were the repeated attempts to INVADE IRAQ. :)

Posted by: Lori on January 21, 2006 8:12 PM

The most entertaining part of intelligent political satire has to be the long list of diatribes that follow.

Flame On!

Posted by: The Human Torch on January 22, 2006 12:25 AM


Posted by: web design india on January 22, 2006 5:21 AM

I voted for Bush; twice. I am a Republican. I thought Matthew's post was funny as hell.

For those of you that are interested, these "text games" are still being made by a small internet community. They are on par with (and at times, exceed) the original ones created in the 80's.

See http://baf.wurb.com/if/ for more info.

Posted by: An American on January 22, 2006 6:36 AM

Clever, and nicely done. I especially liked the "...is here." bits for the various LEFT / RIGHT actions. And the return to center for elections - nice touch.

Posted by: Radioactive Jam on January 22, 2006 6:57 AM

Funniest thing I've read in a while...well, it was, until I read the flames from some of the commenters. Those were pretty hilarious.

Posted by: Ali on January 22, 2006 9:55 AM

I passed this around to some guys in the office and heard laughter for the next 15 minutes. They educated me on the "Zork, Zorb" (whatever it's called) game that was played on the Com 64. That was before my computer geekness emerged. But anyway, great post. Funnier than hell if you consider hell a funny place like I do.

Love your site!

Posted by: CrazyForHer on January 22, 2006 4:07 PM

Oh man, I used to play Adventure on all kinds of machines (never a Commodore 64, though). This was absolutely brilliant. I know you missed a few classic Adventure events such as PLUGH and an oil field the size of a plover's egg and some twisty passages, but so what? You hit all the low points (because there aren't any high points) in the Bush Regime. Extremely well done and thank you!

PS that entry from "Z" on January 21st at 3:28 PM with the so-not-funny-it's-unintentionally-funny parody from the right was one of yours too, no? I mean, no one is that tone deaf, are they? I mean, no one except W.

Posted by: Maddi on January 22, 2006 11:44 PM

It truly is a work of commentary genius.

>Thank you.
No; thank you!

>Please; thank you.
Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.

Posted by: yllwsmly on January 23, 2006 1:29 AM

Umm, Z - as far as I can tell, I'm part of the American public, and I don't share the views you depict. In fact, I wouldn't be anywhere NEAR as angry at Bush and the toadies he surrounds himself with if (and this is my biggest thorn, but by no means the only one) he'd gone after the man who DID murder three thousand Americans instead of a guy who wants to but didn't.

Posted by: Woof on January 23, 2006 5:29 AM

"As usual, spineless democrats roll over like an SUV taking a sharp corner"

This is the first place I LOL. Beautifly done.

Posted by: Sharon GR on January 23, 2006 8:09 AM

I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

(moving on in that vein....)

You fall off the Segway.

You drop the dog on the ground.

You're caught cleaning your glasses on a "Late Show" staff member's pashmina during a commercial break.

You make a stirring speech.

You can't get the door open.

Posted by: dadoctah on January 23, 2006 10:15 AM


Posted by: Singe on January 23, 2006 11:24 AM

Love it!

Posted by: Andrew on January 23, 2006 11:40 AM

I guess you all need something to talk about since you can't come to grips with the fact that you LOST THE ELECTION. Democrat = Bitter!

C'mon, try to remember that sick feeling you had when they announced Kerry (and his idiotic and very psycho wife) as the LOSER(s)!

Posted by: Tin on January 23, 2006 11:52 AM

The first time I saw the SCORE command I figured there would be some response about an intern...

Then I realized that is only if it were about a Democrat.

Posted by: How Funny on January 23, 2006 12:06 PM

LMAO funny, just LMAO

Posted by: Gbert on January 23, 2006 12:28 PM

Uh... I hope all of you talking about MUDs know that Zork isn't a MUD... it's quite single player actually.

Posted by: DW on January 23, 2006 1:09 PM

Why is it that the republicans on this board are more bitter than the democrats? They own the country right now (Exec, Legislative and Judicial branches), have an opposition that just rolls over for just about everything and a media that couldn't find their ass with two hands and a flashlight. Is this sore-winner syndrome?

Further, Z, read your history. I don't think democrats are perfect by any stretch, and I could list a ton of things they've done wrong just like the repubs have. Politics is slimey. But note that the Republicans, instead of simply alllowing a state-wide recount (did they know they would lose?), forced a fight in each and every county. Did the Democrats only choose to fight where they thought they would pick up votes? Yes. Duh. Democracy in America died the day the Republicans refused to allow every vote to count...out of fear of fraud, out of fear of deceipt and out of fear that they'd lose.

Posted by: Nate on January 23, 2006 1:44 PM

Absolutely sweet!

Let the critics and trolls wallow in their maze of twisty passages all alike. As we all know, whining about the mazes won't get you out :-)

Absolutely inspired!

Posted by: curious on January 23, 2006 2:07 PM

Is there an actual working flash version of this? Like if you type it in, you can just type in the words and voyl-ah, the next prompt comes up.

Posted by: Yaanu on January 23, 2006 2:45 PM

I must say, Z's comments share a remarkable resemblance to standard republican propaganda. How unfortunate that he couldn't be more clever than a lucasarts game.

Posted by: Tom on January 23, 2006 5:41 PM

Laugh of the week! Thank you!
And thank you intelligent posters. some good follow-up on both sides of the fence

Posted by: Gumby on January 23, 2006 5:54 PM

Bloody briliant! I'd be having flash backs to my Zork playing youth if I wasn't to busy having nightmares that that's how he really runs the show.

Posted by: Blog Gently on January 24, 2006 12:14 AM

Yaanu. there is no actual game for this, in Flash or otherwise. However, there are tools available free on the web to *make* one, for someone with enough free time. Do a web search on Interactive Fiction.

Tin - this isn't about Democrats simply being bitter. I'm an independent, and yes, I WAS pissed when Bush got reelected. It's not because he's the opposition party, because there IS no party opposed to an independent - it's about having slogged through four years of a presidency which is hard to decide if it is more corrupt or more incompetent, and then seeing that we have to put up with four *more* years of it. Unless, of course, the American public comes to its collective senses and the agenda-bearing retard in the Oval Office gets impeached.

If you want a list of things that Bush has done poorly, I can provide you with one. It far outweighs what he's done well. But as long as there are people who treat politics like their religion - and people on both sides do this - then we will continue to see the indefensible being defended, and morons in office (again, on both sides) will have a scrap of leverage they can use to *stay* in office, continuing to do damage to our country and to the rest of the world.

Posted by: Woof on January 24, 2006 5:37 AM

Very funny, Thanks!

Posted by: Imperatrix on January 24, 2006 9:25 AM

Post. Of. The. Decade.

Thanks for that...

Posted by: Mel on January 24, 2006 11:56 AM

Very good! Geeks have votes too (I hope)!

Posted by: gforce on January 24, 2006 12:38 PM

quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever read....

Posted by: Tony on January 24, 2006 1:14 PM


Posted by: Greg on January 24, 2006 2:05 PM

WOW. That is totally brilliant! I am sharing this link with everyone I know.

Posted by: marlo on January 24, 2006 3:03 PM

And we are still in a maze of twisty, winding passages all alike.

Best post EVER!

Posted by: Matt on January 24, 2006 3:35 PM

Simply excellent. A real-time text adventure today :D. Is there a sequel maybe? :D

Posted by: Roland on January 24, 2006 4:15 PM

Now, in the style of Moonmist...

Start, Restore, Quit?


"Welcome to Defective Yeti! You are about to enter the Iraqi Misadventure Text Page. Which political orientation do you most favor: (d/r?)"


"Ah, I see you are of the Democratic side of the spectrum! Very well, very well, move on!"


It is a hilarious, biting critique of the incompetencies of the Bush administration, recast in the nostalgic style of the old Zork-type text adventure games.


You are very amused!


What kind of comment do you want to leave?


You compliment the author.


Many of the comments are the same as yours. However, there appear to be a number of fulminating flamers who have missed the point.


Which comments do you want to refute, the complimentary comments or the flaming comments?


You refute the flaming comments.

The tone of the conversation has deteriorated.


Your mood ruined, you leave the game.

Start, Restore, Quit?


"Welcome to Defective Yeti! You are about to enter the Iraqi Misadventure Text Page. Which political orientation do you most favor: (d/r?)"


"Ah, I see you are of the Republican side of the spectrum! Very well, very well, move on!"


You read the blog. It seems to be full of hypocritical, neo-liberalist drivel.

You are getting very angry.




You leave a withering comment.

Several other posters leave refutory replies. The tone of the conversation deteriorates.


What sorts of names do you want to call?


You have vented your vitriol.

The tone of the conversation continues to deteriorate.


Good riddance!

Posted by: mikkeneko on January 24, 2006 4:40 PM


Posted by: poo-on-stick on January 24, 2006 5:27 PM

You put on the flightsuit.

"Mission accomplished."

The mission is not accomplished."

That and the ending are my favorite parts XDDDD You're a very talented person.

Posted by: Crystal on January 24, 2006 8:10 PM

This link was posted to nashville.general and is getting rave reviews there. Excellent work!

Posted by: DK on January 24, 2006 8:13 PM

Laugh out loud funny--and disturbing at the same time. Historically, tyrants and dictators have trembled at satire and parody; if I may quote from the Screwtape Letters, "The Devil, that Prideful Spirit...cannot bear to be mocked." You're in great company, Matthew.

But you could've used a couple more bits. Especially since it definately needs a grue so here you go:

What do you want to add a grue to?
Grue added.



It is a large, oak desk, with several drawers. There is a report stamped URGENT and titled, "New Data on Terrorism Threat Posed by Al-Qada" here.

Behind the desk is a chair. In the chair is a lapdog.

In one drawer you find a bag of pretzels.

I don't think the pretzel would agree with you.

Condoleeza Rice is not that type of lapdog. But she does agree with you.


Rice says, "This report is by Clinton. I'll read it sometime in October 2001."

You are not able to do that, yet.


Radical Right
Rick Santorum is here.
Ann Coulter is here.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a large number of insurgents here.

The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

What country do you want to tour?

You tour America. There are some American citizens holding up signs here.

To avoid the citizens, you will have to stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

Citizens avoided.

You tour America. There are some American citizens requesting a town hall meeting here.

What do you want to screen the citizens for?

If you screen out the citizens with uncomfortable facts, you will stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

Citizens with facts that you would find uncomfortable have been screened out. You enjoy your town hall meeting.

You tour America. There are some flag-draped coffins here.

If you avoid the coffins, you will stay in the dark. You might be eaten by a grue.

You avoid the coffins. There is a grue here. It sees you and runs away screaming.

Posted by: Sunder on January 24, 2006 8:24 PM

Too funny, but quite appropriately sad because it is all too true.

Posted by: Anita Hope for Peace on January 24, 2006 9:15 PM


Posted by: Anonymous on January 24, 2006 9:22 PM

Absolutely brilliant! :D

Posted by: Marek on January 25, 2006 12:02 AM

Man, that was singularly funny. Truly inspired. I definetly enjoyed the post.

Some of those comments are just silly, though. Specifically the Neo-con types who are trolling this post for a reason that is absolutely beyond me. Certainly they must know that they're not going to win anyone over to their side by posting what they did. Which leaves one option: they're being obnoxious.

I'm excluding the well-spoken dissent from this.

Also-I listen to NPR, too, and I'm sorry, sometimes they're just as blind as others. I love 'em to death, but sometimes...gah! Anyway, Thanks for the giggle, mate. I appreciated it thoroughly.

I would like to also slot in my surprise at the lack of Grue, but it was wonderful either way.


Posted by: Rev on January 25, 2006 12:46 AM

Bush had an excellent reason for continuing to read to the kids seven minutes after learning of terrorist attacks: he had pledged in his campaign not to leave the children behind.

Posted by: Kevin L. Mahoney on January 25, 2006 1:14 AM

I think the people who are missing the grues are also missing an important point.

Which point do you want to pick up?

You pick up on the fact that GWB has an unlimited supply of grue repellent, no doubt manufactured by Halliburton. The lack of grues becomes clear.

BTW, someone was working on a flash version of Hitchhiker's Guide maybe a year ago.

Posted by: Hello, Sailor on January 25, 2006 5:05 AM

Wonderful! Thanks.

Posted by: Cynthia on January 25, 2006 11:27 AM

If the question was whether any of the original Infocom classics were available in Flash, I misunderstood; I posted that the Iraqi Misadventure (the subject of this brilliant post) was not available. But yes, the original Zork trilogy can be played online in a Java-enabled browser, as can the original Hitchhiker's game. Sorry, I don't have links for either, and the 'net filters at work won't let me look them up... but if you search for Zork Java, you're likely to find the one, and I think Hitchhiker's is available via Douglas Adams's site.

Anyway - if I haven't said it before - brilliant post. Loved it. :)

Posted by: Woof on January 25, 2006 11:49 AM

This was fantastic! The one I was waiting for was

"Run Government"
You have neither the tools nor the expertise. That would have made it perfect for me.

Posted by: Gorobei on January 25, 2006 6:29 PM

Thank you.

Trolls: as a Democrat, I am not wholly upset that President Bush was elected in 2004. He crapped in the bed, so he should have to lie in it. It's his budget, his non-growing stock market, his quagmire in Iraq, his Medicare Plan D, his Hurricane Katrina response, his FEMA, his illegal spying program. He failed to privatize Social Security last year and he's going to fail to privatize health care this year.

Bush the Incompetent is instructive. What has Bush done competently?

Posted by: Dan Lewis on January 25, 2006 6:30 PM

Y'know, I get really sick and tired of hearing people say that Gore claimed he invented the internet. It's so easy to change one or two words in a quote when the original quote isn't crazy enough to suit your opinion of somebody you dislike.

Catches phrases sure run this country. It'd be nice if people would take the time to check out the FULL story.


Oh, and yeah, the Iraqi invasion text adventure was classic. ;) Bush really has "stayed the course." Good for him!

Posted by: Radien on January 26, 2006 12:02 AM

This is absolutely fantastic! Absolutely!!!

Posted by: inventatore on January 26, 2006 1:24 AM

Kudos to the author.

Kudos to Woof, for pointing out the idiocies of tin.
I get really bitter when people point out the bitterness of others when they themselves are more bitter than the people they are claiming to be bitter.

That, and his brain is two sizes too small.

See, now I'm bitter

Posted by: Triskle on January 26, 2006 3:53 AM

Wonderful! Sometimes I feel so dishartened by everything I see on TV and read in the papers. It dose a body good to see that I'm not alone. I hope to see you all in a Bush free feature!


Posted by: Veritas on January 26, 2006 5:21 AM

hi my name is reece i like to lick poo it is really tasty hmmmm poo poo:P

Posted by: Reece on January 26, 2006 1:24 PM

omg! ha this is funny! so true though cause well lets face it...hes an idiot..hence the goat story

Posted by: ashlyn on January 26, 2006 6:06 PM

Oh, man! Priceless! :-D Where can you get more of this guy's stuff?

Posted by: AMH on January 26, 2006 6:56 PM


Posted by: PMcG on January 26, 2006 8:34 PM

HAHAHA. I'm funny and post on the internet about how big an idiot that 'Bush' is. hahaha funny funny person yay.

You are not able to do that with those limp wrists of yours.

Posted by: Anonymous on January 26, 2006 9:10 PM


Posted by: Anonymous on January 27, 2006 12:09 AM

You are not able to do that, yet.

You do not have an Extradition warrant. You must first make a formal request to the government of Afghanistan. The process can take 3 months to complete.

You have invaded the nation of Afghanistan, bombing the Taliban nearly out of existence.

You are not able to do that, yet.

Posted by: Gezza on January 27, 2006 4:56 AM

amazing. thank you.

Posted by: Matt on January 27, 2006 4:34 PM

"as a Democrat, I ... He crapped in the bed, so he should have to lie in it. It's his budget, his non-growing stock market, his quagmire in Iraq"

These three comments show you really have open eyes and an true sense of understanding. Oh that's right ... democrats don't have that. Not that republicans have much better tho.

All this ... just another example of wasted bandwidth!

Posted by: Bleh on January 27, 2006 6:23 PM

Brilliant post! I liked the content and comments both here.

Posted by: rachel on January 28, 2006 6:35 AM

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you, Matthew.

Trolls ignored.

Posted by: Thomas Veil on January 28, 2006 9:25 AM


Posted by: Kn@ppster on January 28, 2006 3:06 PM

Well done!

FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it's been made (legally) available for free download. There's a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there's a community of interactive fiction out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

Posted by: Thrax on January 28, 2006 9:34 PM

I think this is unfair and disrespectful.Mr Bush is President of the U.S.A and Leader of the Free World.

Posted by: David on January 29, 2006 3:46 PM

You're right, David. Nobody likes that stupid old first amendment anyway.

Posted by: Woof on January 30, 2006 6:05 AM

Oh wow... that takes me back...

Posted by: Colin on January 30, 2006 3:30 PM

Dead solid perfect! Look forward to Katrina Disaster Disaster, Social Security Crisis Crisis, and Warrantless Spying Misadventure. Meanwhile, I'd add this exchange to Iraq Misadventure:


You vacation on Crawford ranch for another month. Situation in Iraq deteriorates.


You clear brush.


There isn't any more brush on your ranch.


Cindy Sheehan arrives outside the compound.


There's no brush to cover you. And, why a duck?


You return to the White House and sign Schiavo bill. Courts continue to rule that she has no hope of recovery, and allow her feeding tube to be removed.


Which one?

Posted by: Man MKE on January 30, 2006 7:18 PM

Well done!

FYI, for those who miss Zork, (a) it's been made (legally) available for free download. There's a link at this unofficial Infocom site. And (b) there's a community of interactive fiction authors out there writing new stuff and putting it up for free download, much of it very good (better than Infocom, in some cases). This, this, and this are good places to start.

Posted by: Thrax on February 1, 2006 9:10 PM

Thanks, Thrax, for posting that link. Like I said above - I'm not in a position to dig it up myself. :)

Let me post a slightly less smarmy and (hopefully) slightly more effective reply to David.

First - Bush is not really the "leader of the free world," as you depict him. The rest of the free world didn't elect him, and had no say in his obtaining the position he has; Bush therefore has no legal or moral right to determine the fate of anyone who isn't a U.S. citizen. Not one single Englishman, for example - let alone the scores of thousands of Iraqis who've died since Bush *unlawfully* invaded their country, or even the remaining citizens, like the ones in Baghdad, more than half of whom still don't have electricity for more than 8 hours a day (www.factcheck.org).

The other point that bears mentioning - you appear to feel that, because Bush is the president, somehow he automatically deserves respect, perhaps even approval. This is fallacious. Just being the leader of the country doesn't make you a capable person or a respectable one. There was a fellow named Adolf Hitler who was the leader of Germany until sometime in the 1940's; he practiced genocide, killing thousands upon thousands of innocents because they weren't members of "the master race." He was a horrible man, yet he was in charge of a significant world power, not because he had good motivations, but because he had charisma sufficient to obtain and retain positions of leadership.

Understand, I'm not equating Bush with Hitler - at least, not in this post - but I'm just making the point that having the position doesn't automatically mean you SHOULD have it, or that you're in any way qualified for it.

Posted by: Woof on February 2, 2006 7:34 AM

I wish I was this intellegent!

Posted by: Man without pigs on February 2, 2006 11:47 PM

Hey it easy to be mean , but I trust Bush . It is better than the unresposable stupidity of Carter's support for Hamas expecting they will love us some day, when they would have our heads in a platter if they could.

Posted by: Arie Lasky on February 3, 2006 9:06 AM

The Democraps say we will lose.

The Democraps say we can't beat Saddams army.

You have to get permission from the United Nations first.

The French don't want us to.

You invade, destroy the enemy and find Saddam hiding like a roach in a hole.

For the first time in decades the Iraqi people were allowed to vote. Millions of Iraqis around the world stained their finger purple in order to exercise their U.S. given right to choose their leader.

Even though some people voted for the liberation before they voted against the liberation after they voted for the liberation, President Bush stays the course.

That depends on what your defination of is is.

Posted by: NiteClerk on February 3, 2006 1:54 PM

Absolutely brilliant.

Posted by: Arndt on February 4, 2006 12:24 PM

Good fun :) That's certainly now things look on this side of the atlantic.

Posted by: Jon on February 6, 2006 5:28 AM