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The 2006 Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers

My 2006 Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers appears in The Morning News today. A big thanks to everyone who sent in suggestions, especially:

  • umrain zero for the Rocket Fishingrod
  • Andre Torrez for The Beer Belly
  • Debra Duncan for Mullet Shampoo
  • knutmo for Polonium 210
  • My sister for Barbie With Pooping Dog
  • Robert for Giant Novelty Checks
  • Alan Taylor and Jon D. for the USB Humping Dog
  • Matt Waters for both Season Shot & Breath Capture
  • waterloo.bob for Neuticles
Zero thanks go to my "friend" Mark, who inflicted that godawful The "O Holy Night" mp3 upon me. A few days after I received it I stumbled across the same song on The Sneeze and, although I didn't steal it from there, I would have, if it wasn't already burned onto my PC's hard drive and my psyche. So a hearty "zero thanks" to you too, Steve.

Update: Yes, I know the X-Wing Fighter never shot missiles. I originally wrote it as the Battlestar Galactica ship, but then changed it to X-Wing so I could make the "Great shot!" joke, figuring that no one would actually be nerdy enough to notice. THANKS FOR PROVING ME WRONG, ENTIRE INTERNET.

Posted on December 22, 2006 to Elsewhere


Holy crap the mp3 from Some Anonymous Internet Superstar singing O Holy Night" was awesome ... like a paper cut smothered in old bay seasoning. I'm proud to report I made it through the whole thing and it was well worth it. Thanks for the great list!

Posted by: Guy on December 22, 2006 11:19 AM

I used to be cured of gritting my teeth. Now that I've listened to that mp3 in its entirety, that cure has been reversed.

Posted by: Karl on December 22, 2006 5:09 PM

I totally did not sing that song, which gives me yet another reason to live my life happily.

Posted by: Thomas on December 22, 2006 5:47 PM

Sid Vicious would be proud...

Posted by: dave on December 22, 2006 10:35 PM

I don't believe the X-Wing ever shot missiles. The toys that caused missile-firing to be verboten and got changed were Battlestar Galactica toys.

Not that this makes ANY difference whatsoever.

Posted by: Dave Lartigue on December 23, 2006 7:15 AM

I have seen so many comments from people who hate the song...WTF?!?!

I love that song! That is the best rendition of O Holy Night I've ever heard. I laughed, I cried, well really I laughed until I cried but you get the idea.

Thank you for making my holiday just a little bit better.

Posted by: Daniel on December 23, 2006 3:30 PM

What's with the return of neuticals? These've been around for about a decade; I recall the initial novelty, but don't know why it's being replicated these days. Not to blame you, Matt, but your article was the second or third thing I've heard about them in the last week. I might understand the resurgence if, say, one of several famous men with a single natural testical was in the news recently or something, but, well, we haven't heard from those gentlemen in a while, that I'm aware of.

Posted by: LAN3 on December 23, 2006 8:12 PM

They do neuticals for people? I thought they were just for dogs!

Merry-Happy-Joyous-Blessed-Whatever you celebrated! :)

Posted by: Debra on December 25, 2006 8:08 PM

I'm no expert, but I've been told by dog breeders that the neuticals are really for show dogs. Dogs are occassionally born with one testical - which would disqualify them for show purposes. The neuticals are to fool the judges (which is why the judges have to actually cop a feel when judging, which helps explain the different sizes and textures available).

I don't know if that makes it more or less ridiculous, but at least it's an explanation.

Posted by: Joey on December 26, 2006 1:59 AM

I did find The Beer Belly intriguing. Now, if there were only a way to couple it with The Stadium Pal (http://www.stadiumpal.com/) and bypass intestinal/urinary system involvement altogether.

Posted by: GoTribe on December 26, 2006 1:56 PM

Google indicates that there are indeed (as one'd expect) prosthetic testicles, but I don't think they're made under the Neuticles Brand. Thankfully the vasectomy has replaced the orchiectomy as the surgeon's choice for permanent sterilization in humans.

Posted by: LAN3 on December 26, 2006 5:18 PM

My favorite was the USB Humping Dog. I actually know a couple of people who'd like that. ::sigh::

Thanks for the plug on the mullet shampoo. I own a bottle - given to me by a friend... not because I have a mullet, but because I'm from central Illinois, where mullets run rampant. Keeps me from being homesick.

Happy Holidays, all!

Posted by: DebraD on December 27, 2006 10:08 AM

Very funny article! But your contributor's portrait looks like it was run off on a dot matrix printer, and then coloured in with a ballpoint.

Posted by: Jack Ruttan on December 27, 2006 11:40 AM

Joey, you are correct. But it still weirds me out. It shouldn't really, though, when you consider all the "average Joe" dogs who have them, so their owners feel better about them... guess that right there should totally explain why the owners would need them too!

Posted by: Debra on December 28, 2006 1:47 PM

I'm pretty sure the United Nuclear thing is a spoof, actually...

Posted by: Anonymous on December 28, 2006 2:47 PM

Never mind, I take it back - it is real.

Posted by: Anonymous on December 28, 2006 2:49 PM

I just saw a commercial on tv for the rocket fishingrod, had to laugh out loud.

Posted by: Dylan on December 29, 2006 11:03 AM

Oh, now why I am just seeing this *after* christmas?

My seven year old told me this morning he wants the rocketrod for his birthday next week.

The Barbie dog reminded me of another Mattel poop product from my own childhood, Baby Alive. You fed her some kind of synthetic mash and she passed it out the other end. When the synthetic stuff ran out, I just fed her regular food. I guess I should have chased the stuff with some water, because she wound up with maggots.

So far, I have kept my actual live babies maggot-free.

Posted by: Kyran @ Notes to Self on December 30, 2006 9:42 AM

You crack me up. I just ran across your blog for the first time today and was crying from laughing so hard. My husband thinks I am insane as I am sitting here with the laptop just cracking UP!

Have a good one!


Posted by: MinnesotaJo on December 30, 2006 8:03 PM

This sounds like the perfect survival kit for a weekend in Penticton.

Posted by: Jack Ruttan on January 4, 2007 7:52 PM

I almost didn't listen to it -- bad singing, how funny can that be, really?

I laughed until I cried, too.

And that breath capture vial sure is something. At first I thought the point was to send it to a loved one far away, a soldier at war or something, so they could open it up and smell it.

Posted by: bluewyvern on January 6, 2007 11:51 PM

Hi Matt, regular reader for several years here. I've noticed the lack of defective yeti updates lately, which is unusual for you, and was just hoping everything was going ok in your life.

Posted by: Kevin on January 7, 2007 6:25 PM

Matt, where are you?
I hope The Queen, Squirrely and everyone else are doing well. Your loyal readers miss your posts.

Posted by: Luna C on January 8, 2007 4:52 PM