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Butteryfingers
SQURRELLY: Hiya! THE QUEEN: You little -- MATTHEW: God damn it!
MATTHEW: Come on, you.
MATTHEW: Now, look: it's time to go to bed. Do you understand? I want you to stay in your bed. From now on. Do you understand?
MATTHEW: No, I'm totally for-serious this time. Stay in your bed. It's time for sleeping. Stay in your bed. Good night. Stay in your bed.
MATTHEW: He looked pretty tired. I think he's going to stay in his room this time. THE QUEEN: [Ominously] He'd better ... MATTHEW picks up the REMOTE CONTROL from the TABLE and sits on the SOFA next to THE QUEEN. He presses PLAY.
Enter THE SQUIRRELLY, left SQURRELLY: Hiya! MATTHEW: NNNRRRRGH!
THE QUEEN: That's it.
THE QUEEN: He won't bother us again. MATTHEW: Why was the Pam in his bedroom? THE QUEEN: It wasn't. I brought it with me, and sprayed it on his inside doorknob. Posted on January 11, 2007 to Favorite Posts, The Squirrelly Comments
Your wife is a genius. Posted by: Celia on January 14, 2007 9:52 AMBrilliant. Posted by: schmutzie on January 14, 2007 10:08 AMHumor, science fiction, and parenting tips in a big bag of goodness. Posted by: Kyle on January 14, 2007 12:33 PMCooking spray... who knew? That is a supreme stroke of brilliance that I'm going to have to remember and put to use at some point in the future. Posted by: Julie on January 14, 2007 12:46 PMAnd I was just worrying about investing in another set of doorknob covers, which I secretly suspect my child will immediately figure out. So much smarter. SO much cheaper. Posted by: Holley on January 14, 2007 3:33 PMI will have to remember that one! Posted by: Larisa on January 14, 2007 3:57 PMoh, well played madam. mine isn't even crawling yet, but that's a keeper. Posted by: adam on January 14, 2007 4:58 PMHell, mine hasn't even been conceived yet, and I'm remembering that. Posted by: Teman on January 14, 2007 6:12 PMSo weird. You described our evening here perfectly, substituting "Scoop" (please do not rent this movie, it is horrible) for BG, and substituting "parental groveling" for "Pam"... Posted by: matthew tiffany on January 14, 2007 7:26 PMAgain, the Queen proving why she holds the title. Other options to try cuz Pam's really a gnarly substance. Have you ever had to clean up that stuff? Yuck. Doorknob removal and replace with RFID lock. Doorknob obfuscator:
I bet hearts flew out of the top of your head. That was awesome! Posted by: flea on January 15, 2007 7:17 AMWow. Just wow. Posted by: Melissa on January 15, 2007 8:19 AMAll hail The Queen! Posted by: Lori on January 15, 2007 12:32 PMThe Queen is a parenting genius, no doubt. For a longer-term solution, my I recommend the simple hook and eye latch placed high on the door? Posted by: Judy on January 15, 2007 1:02 PMMy son (nearly same age as the Squirelly) recently found an uncovered can of Pam in the kitchen, and decided that he would "paint" his sheets and headboard. Needless to say, I agree with the comment above about "gnarly." Maybe he was trying to coat it for his own "easy removal." Posted by: north on January 15, 2007 1:16 PMBeautiful. My kid hasn't figured out how to turn the handle yet, but I'm keeping this in reserve. Posted by: maggie on January 15, 2007 2:41 PMFor-serious Posted by: AZ Dave on January 15, 2007 3:43 PMNice! Posted by: ajitomatix on January 15, 2007 11:25 PMA+, more entertaining than "Bedtime for Frances." Posted by: Lilly on January 16, 2007 2:50 AMCrazy glue would have made a more-permanent impression. Posted by: Hello on January 16, 2007 12:24 PMWow, she should be up for some sort of award for that one! Posted by: Liz on January 16, 2007 12:29 PMFirst off love it you call the kid squirrely! I love this. We actually have to gate our 2.5 year old in like some kind of convict. If only potty-training wasn't on the horizon... No way to give him access to the bathroom and not to us... Guess it's better than perpetually changing the sheets! Posted by: 2shews on January 16, 2007 1:52 PMWow, we never even considered that one. After multiple threats, we just put a hook & eye on the outside of his door. Dept. of Child Services knocking in door in 5...4...3...2. Posted by: Scott on January 16, 2007 4:41 PMNo wonder you married that woman! Posted by: JPed on January 16, 2007 6:08 PMI'm turning in to a freak for that show. When we are watching it, our kid wakes up, she cries and WE GO AND SLEEP WITH HER. Well, one of us lies down with her to put her to sleep and then we fall asleep with her. Oh my God, we are the wimpiest parents in the world. You mean your kid actually sleeps in his own bed by himself some of the time/ever? I was just assuming they didn't do that sort of thing. I need the Queen. I would marry her tomorrow. Now THAT'S a parent. Posted by: ozma on January 16, 2007 11:16 PMI bow in awe before The King and Queen. Posted by: Anita on January 17, 2007 5:41 PMIt's so rare that I laugh out loud at anything on the internet, but I laughed at this. Thanks so much for sharing that little snapshot of your life with us! Posted by: Jonathan L on January 19, 2007 10:12 AMcanola oil works great and is neater and easier to both apply and remove. Trust me, three girls will force you to be creative! Oh, by the way they're 30, 28 and 16 now and no the last one is adopted not an accident. Posted by: kattonic on January 19, 2007 4:13 PMHey there Matt. Long time reader, first time poster. Just wanted to drop a line and let you know you've been awarded one of the top 12 funniest people on the internet. I found the link from Digg.com Congrats on being so f-ing funny. Well man I'll let you get back to stardom, don't forget us little people. http://www.valleywag.com/tech/comedy/the-12-funniest-people-on-the-internet-229808.php Posted by: Mike on January 19, 2007 9:59 PMTHAT is absolutely awesome!!!!! I must remember the cooking spray tidbit for future use!!!! Posted by: Jana on January 21, 2007 12:38 PMDamnit! We have those darn Handicapped accessible door handles. I like the way your wife thinks, though. Posted by: Matthew on January 22, 2007 4:03 PM |